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this is not my essay but my friend's (a high school sophomore)...he worked really hard on this essay, yet only got a D+...does he deserve this grade? please justify your opinions with examples of what an A, B, C, or D quality work is.
______________________________

Prompt: Why do people change their identity?

"At least three main reasons exist explaining why humans have a tendency to change themselves in order to fit in with a desired group or class. The three reasons for the change are that they are lost and trying to find their own identity, they think they cannot be accepted for who they are, and/or feel that they can identify with several groups and, in order to feel that they belong, simply try to fit in with the most desirable group.


To illustrate one’s struggle to find his own identity, a classmate- and former academic rival- of mine did not know himself well enough to stand up for his beliefs when a group of academic slackers lured him into their circle. When the luring occurred, he was thirteen years old. He was already a teenager by definition, but his mind was still getting accustomed to the new lifestyle being introduced to him just then, a lifestyle which many teenagers equate with having worries about the opposite sex, peer pressure, and temptations with drugs, alcohol, and other negative vices. Perhaps he was not yet adequately informed about the risks associated with being a teenager because he still carried with him his childhood gullibility. As a result, he grew susceptible to bad influences. Many years before he turned thirteen, he put a lot of effort into his studies, so much effort that I found myself competing against him for the best academic title. Then one day, a group of slackers completely transformed him. The group persuaded him into thinking that grades are pointless by setting up the condition that, if he were to abandon his studies, the group would pair him up with a girl he considered out of his league. His vulnerability influenced his impulsive decision to be part of the slacker group. The group indeed paired him up with a girl- with several girls, in fact. As expected, he noticed a dip in his grades because of his shifted focus, but he refused to care. Having just entered his teenager years, my classmate was still in the process of searching for his identity when a group of bad teenagers led his search astray. The negative influences brought upon by my classmate’s acceptance of the slacker group’s enticing offer caused him to shift his priorities and abandon his personality; had he not been so vulnerable, he probably would have stayed loyal to his academic pursuits.

Some people change their identities because they are vulnerable and lack knowledge about themselves, yet others change theirs because they think society refuses to accept them for who they are. The media plays a large part in creating the notion of the ideal girl image in society. To use Britney Spears as an example, the media initially discovered her more for her vocal talent than for her sex appeal; she was merely twelve years of age when musical scouts discovered her talent. However, as media publicized her vocal talent more and more, her body image also got publicized with the same intensity. Noticing her looks in tabloids and magazine covers became inevitable. Spears, for example, found herself wearing items provided by media sponsors- items like insignia clothing to display her petite frame and signature make-up to highlight her beauty. Media, in this way, attempted to create the notion that her degree of attractiveness should be the standard for judging other people’s attractiveness. Teenage girls noticed that the media portrayed Spears as thin, attractive, and stylish. Furthermore, they noticed that because she possessed these three traits, she attracted a lot of attention from men. In fact, Justin Timberlake, one of Hollywood's best-liked male celebrities, asked Spears out on a date. Also, many women believe that good-looking males opt not to date unattractive females; sadly, such a theory about men is true in many cases. By virtue of being human, one feels the constant urgency to attract the opposite sex; if being thin, attractive, and stylish would help the women attract the men, then women would naturally want to be considered thin, attractive, and stylish. For this reason, women concern themselves with maintaining a petite figure, a gorgeous face, and the desire to be in-style. In extreme cases, women even spend large amounts of money on liposuction, implants and other body enhancement surgeries. Many people want to fit in with a desired group for various reasons, but in this case, the reason is to attract as much attention from the opposite sex as possible.

In the same way many girls change their identities by becoming thin and pretty in order to feel wanted by society, many others try to fit in by choosing a group with which to identify, even though their identities are not exactly a perfect fit for the group. People with such identities do exist in this world; for instance, some are more artistic than they are athletic, yet they want to be labeled as athletes because they feel they would be able to attract more girls. I have a friend who is very talented in the performing arts area, but he abides by stereotypes and thinks his participation in drama would instantly repel girls. I was shocked to find out that he associated himself more with football players than with Thespian Society members, since he had been part of theater productions for as long as I could remember. In contrast, he started playing football only in high school. Yet, he tells me that his strategy is worth the risk. My friend’s decision to change his identity as an actor stemmed from his desire to be one of the jocks; becoming a jock was his strategy to attract more females. He has, indeed, been successful, and his record of success has further motivated him to pursue his main objective. My friend’s experience is an example of how one chooses to identify with what he considers the most desirable group, a group for which he is not exactly a perfect or even a good match.

Society’s perception of one’s identity is similar to looking at a piece of cork through a magnifying glass. A blurred image of the cork resembles society judging an individual based on looks alone, a society that is not able to see past the outer layer. A more magnified image represents society judging the individual with limited information, since only the second layer has been revealed. Now, a highly magnified image would reveal the intricacies which make the cork distinct and represents society’s view of an individual after people have gotten to know him/her, inside and out, over a long period of time. Yet the latter image is not necessarily projected with the best photographic resolution, for certain facts are left for individuals to keep for themselves. At least society, through this highly magnified view, is able to judge the individual based on factors like personality and values instead of just looks."

(copyrighted of course)

By Luxaeterna4 (Luxaeterna4) on Tuesday, January 27, 2004 - 05:47 pm: Edit

hmmm. not great. not a D+ either. It reads like a first draft that deserves five more before it should be handed in as a final. It does not read very well, but the general structure is somewhat correct.
eval: C
sorry. Your friend has to stop writing in the first person. That essay should be analytical rather than reflective. It seems to me as though your friend got a D+ because he either: completely missed the point of the paper or
wrote it at 5 in the morning or
has a horribly anal english teacher

By Constellation35 (Constellation35) on Tuesday, January 27, 2004 - 06:05 pm: Edit

C

She needs to learn how to write a good essay.

By Marite (Marite) on Tuesday, January 27, 2004 - 06:06 pm: Edit

Gian:

This essay lacks a thesis statement; it also strings together examples which are only loosely related. I blinked when confronted with a discussion of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake after reading about your friend's and his friend, and further blinked when suddenly reading about girls' self-image.
Your friend begins with his (or someone else's) attempt to fit into a very specific group, then end with examples of the media's influence over young people's tastes. Not the same thing.

Perhaps not a D+ but a C or C-.

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Tuesday, January 27, 2004 - 06:13 pm: Edit

i really feel bad for him for getting a D+ when i myself wrote an essay on the same topic and got a B. i don't understand my teacher's grading process...because i didn't find my paper to be all that better.

By Averagemathgeek (Averagemathgeek) on Tuesday, January 27, 2004 - 06:16 pm: Edit

Before reading my comments, keep in mind that I am a math person.

First, the essay does not flow. I did not enjoy the use of transitions, as I thought they were verbose.

Another problem is that the writer is not focusing on the topic. The focus of the essay should be why people change their identity. However, the writer places too much emphasis on stories about other people. This makes the essay sound like a narrative.

The essay also sounds forced. The writer was trying too hard to impress the teacher with fancy essay techniques. It appears the writer was trying to increase quantity, not quality.

I would give this essay a C-. However, I think the teacher was just in giving a D+.

By Ecismyhome (Ecismyhome) on Tuesday, January 27, 2004 - 06:39 pm: Edit

Confusing, could have flowed much better, and lacking a proper thesis. In fact, could have used much more structure. The ideas are there, but the actual writing skills are not, or if they are they seem rather rushed. I am sorry.

"i myself wrote an essay on the same topic and got a B"
-What? The topic doesn't matter at all. If your essay was better, you deserved a better grade.

Also.
Why did you bother to include the line about copyrights?

By Girlforever101 (Girlforever101) on Tuesday, January 27, 2004 - 06:41 pm: Edit

C at best. It does sound forced (as noted by Averagemathgeek). It's also seems to drone on and on, sending the point of the essay in different directions. This is in my opinion, someone might think it's better. I really don't know.

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Tuesday, January 27, 2004 - 06:50 pm: Edit

hah because i had to ask his permission for me to actually post this essay on a forum. ecismyhome, my english teacher is really unpredictable so no one in my class could really tell the difference between B, C, or D quality work (maybe we're all dumb heh). all of us had to write on the same topic...what i meant was the quality of my work did not differ much from his (maybe i deserved lower). at least in my opinion. i felt really good about getting my B so i would not dare post my essay on here for it to be further scrutinized. but honestly, the teacher distributed copies of B, C, D quality work (with the authors' permission of course) but i couldn't really tell much of a difference between them...we're supposed to write our own critiques for each essay then we'll discuss them next week after midterms.

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Tuesday, January 27, 2004 - 07:03 pm: Edit

my teacher asks that we develop a set of criteria for judging the works...so far, i have (thanks for the ideas folks)

does the essay have...
-a clear thesis statement?
-clear transitions from one body paragraph to another?
-fluidity?
-a conclusion that does more than summarize the main ideas(s)?

does the essay avoid the use of...
-megablunders (pronoun reference: "which is" and the like)?
-"dummy subjects" (it is, there is)?

i need more ideas...please help.

By Dschnapps (Dschnapps) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 12:26 am: Edit

I thought that in general the essay was pretty disorganized and stream-of-consciousness. He promised to outline three relatively distinct reasons that people change their identity. Once he got to the body of the essay, however, he just gave us random examples from his friends and popular culture that weren't clearly tied to any of the three "topic sentences" that he offered in the first paragraph.

I'd probably give it a C.


By the way, I don't know if you were implying that his conclusion summed up his essay ...i think it did the opposite. It was a painful simile that I had to meticulously pick through to find any coherence.

By Thedad (Thedad) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 12:47 am: Edit

I dunno. It's smarmy, shallow, and badly organized. It *is* written in recognizable English but I can't say much more than that.

By Ecismyhome (Ecismyhome) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 12:54 am: Edit

Reading back through it, the essay's kind of preachy, too. And it is *very* difficult to read, doesn't flow at all, doesn't really pick out the points that are essential to developing a thesis (if indeed there was one).

By Nycschoolss (Nycschoolss) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 02:20 am: Edit

I probably give it a D because he actually attempted to write an essay. Biggest problem - ANSwer the question! Essay aint focused!... was your friend a bit 'drunk' when he wrote the essay?

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 12:13 pm: Edit

alright, i think i've got enough responses to actually reveal what this essay got for a grade. the teacher thought the essay was "below the standard," so he chose not to grade the essay (probably because it was below a D) and asked the author to rewrite it instead. also, my friend did not write this essay but some anonymous author from last year's english class did (when i mentioned that the author "worked hard," i wanted to see how you would factor in the effort/sentimentality in assigning the final grade).

i hate to say it but your evaluations were quite inflated ...i would probably give this essay a C too if I went to a school that inflated grades and if I had no basis for comparison...but fortunately i've gotten used to my english teacher's harsh grading standards and therefore would agree with him on giving the essay a grade below a D (especially when compared to the caliber of essays submitted by students in my school. sorry...the standards here are just that much higher). for example, constellation35 gave the grade a C, justifying her point by saying the essay is not good. If it is not good, then the essay does not even deserve a C...this is just one example of how grade inflation exists in some schools...clearly, exposure to grade inflation affects students' judgment of what constitutes C quality work. this thread, by the way, correlates with the other thread i started called "does your school inflate grades?"...i just wanted to see the severity of grade inflation in some schools.

while many posters gave the essay a C, their standards for making such judgment do not agree with my teacher's philosophy (he discussed some of the problems of the essay but did not elaborate further because he wanted us to figure them out for ourselves...we will discuss this essay in class next week).

like i said, the teacher asked the class to write a critique for the essay, so i read the essay over and here is what i came up with...

for those who missed it, the thesis statement is in the first paragraph. i thought this was obvious because it used words to directly answer the prompt. the author provided three possible reasons why one changes his/her identity and attempted to illustrate each one in each of the body paragraphs. however, the examples are not "parallel" (a term my teacher frequently uses) to each other...two of the paragraphs focus on a specific individual but one adressed pop culture- a much broader scope in comparison.

"The three reasons for the change are that (1) they are lost and trying to find their own identity"
the author attempted to explain this idea in the first paragraph, but the fact that he used a very specific example deters from the idea's credibility. he said that as his friend became a teenager, he grew "susceptible" to outside forces. why? because at this age, one struggles to find his/her own identity, and is therefore "lost" in the process of searching for it.

"(2) they think they cannot be accepted for who they are"
hmmm...the terms "society" and the "opposite sex" are used interchangeably but they are not the same...thus making the paragraph slightly confusing. that's the main problem, but other problems exist. the main question i asked myself when reading this paragraph is "why do the girls think they cannot be accepted for who they are?" the author states that humans have a "desire to attract the opposite sex" but does this really mean they are not accepted by society if they cannot attract the opposite sex? again, confusing.

"(3) and/or feel that they can identify with several groups and, in order to feel that they belong, simply try to fit in with the most desirable group." i initially thought this idea was very similar to the first one, but i then recognized that the main difference between the two is that in the first one, the individual is lost and doesn't know his/her identity...in the second one, the individual can identify with several groups but feel the need to join one simply to belong. but does belonging to any one group alter his/her identity? technically, the person can still identify with that group because it is considered one of the groups to which he belongs. so this point is a little contradictory. also, what happens to individuals who feel they can equally identify with several groups? this idea needs further development.

on a final note, the conclusion, while i like the concept, does not really relate much to the ideas mentioned in the paragraph. if the conclusion relates to any of them at all, it would relate mostly with the second idea (even then, "society" is not the same as the "opposite sex")...the other two issues are mostly intrapersonal, but if one pushes the concept it can also relate to the third idea (because the individual discussed felt the need to change himself to be more desirable to girls...again the term "society" and "girls" are used interchangeably- confusing).

bottom line: the author essay states a thesis statement, attempts to prove each of the three ideas discussed in each body paragraph, but fails to make them believable. stronger examples are needed, and contradictory ideas should be addressed.

if the following scale is used, then the essay does not even deserve a D. sorry...

A= superior; cannot be improved further
B= excellent
C+/B-= very good
C= good, solid
D/C-= okay
below D= major flaws in ideas/thoughts

thanks for all your comments though

By Aab123 (Aab123) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 04:12 pm: Edit

C does not equal good, solid at all.

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 04:17 pm: Edit

my friend, that's how it works in my school...if you accomplish good, solid work, you get a C.

By Krause (Krause) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 04:30 pm: Edit

D+??? No way man, shoulda gotten an F, maybe even a D-

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 04:34 pm: Edit

uhmm...krause i just said that in my third most recent post...except i'm not joking
(lol)

By Nycschoolss (Nycschoolss) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 08:07 pm: Edit

Gianscolere - According to your grading system, I think your friend should get an 'F' instead of a 'D.' He defintely has major flaws in ideas/thoughts - ANSWER THE QUESTION! How can you say your friend's essay was good, did you even read it?GEEEZ

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 09:03 pm: Edit

what?! you misunderstood. when i said, "my friend," i was addressing aab123. please read my long explanation as to why i assigned a grade lower than a D (did you even read this?). sorry but your final thought came too late...i had already revealed what actual grade the author received.

By Encomium (Encomium) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 09:21 pm: Edit

An A should be superior
A B+/A- Should be very good-excellent
A B should equal good, solid
A C should be average, flawed
A D should be significantly flawed, extremely poor
An F should be no paper handed in/gibberish

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 09:50 pm: Edit

with all due respect, encomium, i would like for your grading scale to take into effect... however some schools are just not as lenient. my english teacher, who is the head of the department, feels really uncomfortable giving out even a B+...i was devastated myself when i got back my first paper and it was a B, but i soon reminded myself to put things into perspective. i've gotten a C a couple of times too, where he commented "solid work (that's what i based my scale on). and for a C-, he used the word "fair" quality (like a C and C- creates much of a difference). really though he is a great teacher but an extremely harsh grader (in my opinion anyway). but if the essay deserves lower than a D and he senses that the student at least made some effort, he asks the student to rewrite it (his way of saying sorry it's an F, or in our case, an E)...i've gotten a D once but *not* on this essay topic (it was an essay about some book)...like i said this particular essay was not given a grade because it was considered "below the standard." when this is the case, he individually consults with the student to explain what went wrong in the essay, since some of the teacher's ideas are not easily discernible (to my inexperienced eyes that is).

By Bruceconti (Bruceconti) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 10:18 pm: Edit

Horrid opening paragraph, no "hook"...

By Nycschoolss (Nycschoolss) on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 11:55 pm: Edit

What are you trying to say? That your schools dont inflate grades and our schools do? Just cause you have one teacher who is a harsh grader doesnt mean anything, all schools have a teacher like that!!! Stop the complaining and take the grade as it is. GEEEZ

By Dschnapps (Dschnapps) on Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 12:17 am: Edit

I know you are trying to use this post as evidence that there is rampant grade inflation at other schools and that we should all bow down to your school's hard grading standards, but....

you kind of messed up the experiment by saying you got a B on the same essay for equal quality work. this makes us the think the grading standard is easier and that it should get a more moderate grade.

Also, at most schools, it has become the convention that encomium's grading scale is the norm (note I said schools, not ALL teachers at those schools.) At almost all schools, a C is poor for good students. A B is decent, but they really expect an A on most assignments. Yes, it would be nice if we could have one national standard, but, like its monetary cousin, grade inflation is just one of those facts of life.

By Ecismyhome (Ecismyhome) on Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 12:19 am: Edit

Erm...
I think that Gian tried to "fool" us, and thinks that he made a point.
But the real point that was made was that it was bad writing that deserves a bad grade. How do you avoid getting a B, C, D, or F?
Write a better essay.

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 12:16 pm: Edit

"I think that Gian tried to 'fool' us, and thinks that he made a point. But the real point that was made was that it was bad writing that deserves a bad grade."- ecismyhome

yes, it does deserve a bad grade so why did most of the posters give it a C? clearly, these people thought that bad quality work deserved a C, hence grade inflation. in my opinion, "bad" quality work deserves LOWER than a C.
_______________________________

"you kind of messed up the experiment by saying you got a B on the same essay for equal quality work. this makes us the think the grading standard is easier and that it should get a more moderate grade."--dschnapps

when i said that, i was hoping that the readers would try and find out *exactly* what flaws the essay had (by quoting from the essay). i wanted readers to meticulously look through the essay to find out why exactly this essay was considered "below the standard." how does it differ from B, C, D quality work? i was trying to throw the reader off by saying that i *thought* (thought, thought, thought) my work was of the same quality, yet it got a B. the teacher could not have possibly given one a B and the other below a D if he thought they were of the same quality...so of course, he must have seen a major flaw or flaws in the latter essay. again, i wanted you to ponder over *why* this essay was given the grade it got. i posted my 6:50 PM 1/27/04 comment to get people to *quote* directly from the essay...what exactly made it flawed? i even said in my very first post: "please justify your opinions with examples of what an A, B, C, or D quality work is" ...in order to see your justifications for earning each respective grade.
________________________

"What are you trying to say? That your schools dont inflate grades and our schools do? Just cause you have one teacher who is a harsh grader doesnt mean anything, all schools have a teacher like that!!! Stop the complaining and take the grade as it is. GEEEZ"--nysschoolss

my intent was merely to get a general sense of how one's exposure to an inflated grading system can influence his/her opinion of what constitutes A, B, C, D, or E quality work. perhaps most schools have at least one teacher who is a harsh grader, so i wanted to see how that one teacher influenced his/her students' judgment about grading. if one disregarded this influence, then he/she is most likely still under the influence of grade inflation. you don't have to agree with my experiment ...i was merely trying to prove something for myself not for anyone else. when you said "stop complaining and take the grade as it is," i sense that you misunderstood the point of this thread. why are you telling me to take the grade as it is? that was *not* my paper. if you meant to say that i should accept your grade evaluation, like i've said numerous times already, your grade evaluation is inflated. also, "stop complaining" about what exactly...grade inflation? i firmly believe that schools should not inflate grades.

i respect all of your opinions, anyhow. i recognize that educational systems can influence your thinking differently.

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 02:21 pm: Edit

you know what after thinking about it, i regret ever starting this thread (so unlike me). sorry to those who were offended and forget that i ever raised this issue up. really, i apologize

By Fallentear04 (Fallentear04) on Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 07:03 pm: Edit

In reality all you proved is that at 17 (or whatever age the reader on this board is), we are not qualified to grade papers.

By Ecismyhome (Ecismyhome) on Thursday, January 29, 2004 - 10:34 pm: Edit

It's cool, Gian. I understand. It backfired on you, you're honest enough to admit it. Don't worry, it was a good idea.

By Drago (Drago) on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 05:31 pm: Edit

Here are some corrections:

==
At least three main reasons exist to explain why humans have a tendency to change themselves in order to fit in with a desired group. One reason is that they are lost and trying to find their own identity. Another is that they think they cannot be accepted for who they are. Finally, it could be that [they feel that they can identify with several groups and, in order to feel that they belong, simply try to fit in with the most desirable group.] * needs to be rephrased.
=
There were at least 5 mistakes in the FIRST paragraph! There was an extremely poor opening here, and the person obvsiouly didn't proofreed. This would knock them 10 points down in my mind.
==
To illustrate a person's struggle to find his or her own identity, a classmate and former acedamic rival of mine* did not know himself well enough to stand up for his beliefs when a group of academic slackers lured him into their circle. When the luring occurred, he was thirteen years old. He was already a teenager by definition, but his mind was still getting accustomed to the new lifestyle being introduced to him just then, a lifestyle which many teenagers equate with having worries about the opposite sex, peer pressure, and temptations with drugs, alcohol, and other negative vices. Perhaps he was not yet adequately informed about the risks associated with being a teenager because he still carried with him his childhood gullibility. As a result, he grew susceptible to bad influences. Many years before he turned thirteen, he put a lot of effort into his studies, so much effort that I found myself competing against him for the best academic title. Then one day, a group of slackers completely transformed him. The group persuaded him into thinking that grades are pointless by setting up the condition that, if he were to abandon his studies, the group would pair him up with a girl he considered out of his league. His vulnerability influenced his impulsive decision to be part of the slacker group. The group indeed paired him up with a girl, and with several other girls, in fact. As expected, he noticed a dip in his grades because of his shifted focus, but he refused to care. Having just entered his teenager years, my* classmate was still in the process of searching for his identity when a group of bad teenagers led his search astray. The negative influences brought upon by my classmate’s acceptance of the slacker group’s enticing offer caused him to shift his priorities and abandon his personality; had he not been so vulnerable, he probably would have stayed loyal to his academic pursuits.
==
1) This paragraph does not illistrate someone being "lost" in my mind. It illistrates someone going astray.
2) Was this supposes to be a personal essay? NEVER use the words "my" "I" "mine" etc in an essay.
3) A famous literary character would have been better here.
Another -15 points here.
==
Some people change their identities because they are vulnerable and lack knowledge about themselves, yet others change their identities because they think that society refuses to accept them for who they are. The media plays a large part in creating the notion of the ideal girl image in society. To use Britney Spears as an example, the media initially discovered her more for her vocal talent than for her sex appeal, and she was merely twelve years of age when musical scouts discovered her talent. However, as media publicized her vocal talent more and more, her body image also got publicized with the same intensity. [Noticing her looks in tabloids and magazine covers became inevitable.]*Not a sentence* Spears, for example, found herself wearing items provided by media sponsors- items like insignia clothing to display her petite frame and signature make-up to highlight her beauty. Media, in this way, attempted to create the notion that her degree of attractiveness should be the standard for judging other people’s attractiveness. Teenage girls noticed that the media portrayed Spears as thin, attractive, and stylish. Furthermore, they noticed that because she possessed these three traits, she attracted a lot of attention from men. In fact, Justin Timberlake, one of Hollywood's best-liked male celebrities, asked Spears out on a date. Also, many women believe that good-looking males opt not to date unattractive females; sadly, such a theory about men is true in many cases. By virtue of being human, one feels the constant urgency to attract the opposite sex; if being thin, attractive, and stylish would help the women attract the men, then women would naturally want to be considered thin, attractive, and stylish. For this reason, women concern themselves with maintaining a petite figure, a gorgeous face, and the desire to be in-style. In extreme cases, women even spend large amounts of money on liposuction, implants and other body enhancement surgeries. Many people want to fit in with a desired group for various reasons, but in this case, the reason is to attract as much attention from the opposite sex as possible.
==
1) This had utterly terrible grammar-I didn't even finish reading it.
2) There was a lot of excess information about Spears-who CARES if she started off as only a good singer? The reason for bringing her up is simple: you want to show that she is, by the media, a standard for women's beauty. Period amen!
3) It doesn't really addess the thesis: "they think they cannot be accepted for who they are." A better example would be someone who was rejected for what they were.
Another -15 points.
==
In the same way many girls change their identities by becoming thin and pretty in order to feel wanted by society, many others try to fit in by choosing a group with which to identify, even though their identities are not exactly a perfect fit for the group. People with such identities do exist in this world; for instance, some are more artistic than they are athletic, yet they want to be labeled as athletes because they feel they would be able to attract more girls. I have a friend who is very talented in the performing arts area, but he abides by stereotypes and thinks his participation in drama would instantly repel girls. I was shocked to find out that he associated himself more with football players than with Thespian Society members, since he had been part of theater productions for as long as I could remember. In contrast, he started playing football only in high school. Yet, he tells me that his strategy is worth the risk. My friend’s decision to change his identity as an actor stemmed from his desire to be one of the jocks; becoming a jock was his strategy to attract more females. He has, indeed, been successful, and his record of success has further motivated him to pursue his main objective. My friend’s experience is an example of how one chooses to identify with what he considers the most desirable group, a group for which he is not exactly a perfect or even a good match.
==
1) Out of all the paragraphs, this did address the thesis. It did show how people change to be a member of a group they find attractive. (That normally isn't impressive.)
2) This paragraph used personal pronouns.
3) This person used 100% personal material. For all I know, this person could be making it up. How do I know that they didn't BS this essay? I don't.

Historical figures, literary figures, etc. would have been better here.
-10 points.
==
Society’s perception of one’s identity is similar to looking at a piece of cork through a magnifying glass. A blurred image of the cork resembles society judging an individual based on looks alone, a society that is not able to see past the outer layer. A more magnified image represents society judging the individual with limited information, since only the second layer has been revealed. Now, a highly magnified image would reveal the intricacies which make the cork distinct and represents society’s view of an individual after people have gotten to know him/her, inside and out, over a long period of time. Yet the latter image is not necessarily projected with the best photographic resolution, for certain facts are left for individuals to keep for themselves. At least society, through this highly magnified view, is able to judge the individual based on factors like personality and values instead of just looks.
==

This essay seems to be more about people judging others by their looks rather than the actual thesis stated in paragraph one. For a conclusion paragraph, this was far too long. It also didn't restate the thesis, etc. Another -10 points.

So...
100
-10
-15
-15
-10
-10
----
40 pts.

I would have given this essay an F, not a D+

drago

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Saturday, January 31, 2004 - 07:08 pm: Edit

lol

By Conker (Conker) on Sunday, February 01, 2004 - 06:09 am: Edit

In my personal opinion, that essay would get a B for writing style and an F for content. While I do agree that the essay is verbose and poorly proofread, the author at least demonstrates an ability to implement the appropriate vocabulary words into his essay. Furthermore, the author varies his sentence structure, and although he perverts the occasional sentence into cryptic bombast, it is acceptable.

Gianscolere, I'm interested in seeing some of your B work and comparing it to our school's writing standards.

Conker

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Sunday, February 01, 2004 - 11:32 am: Edit

"i felt really good about getting my B so i would not dare post my essay on here for it to be further scrutinized."

i still haven't changed my mind . like you, i would also be interested to compare our schools' grading standards but sorry i'm not willing to post any of my work up (whether it's an A-, B, C, or D). how about i'll ask my teacher for a copy of a B essay and keep the author anonymous (my teacher doesn't reveal the names anyway for sample copies)? check back maybe later next week.

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Sunday, February 01, 2004 - 12:46 pm: Edit

i hate to break it to you but your justification for assigning the paper an F is weak. it appears as though you were not able to comprehend the ideas well enough rather than the author not clearly stating his points.
___________________________________________

FIRST PARAGRAPH

"1) This paragraph does not illistrate someone being "lost" in my mind. It illistrates someone going astray." -- drago

first of all, you spelled "illustrate" wrong.
"Having just entered his teenager years, my classmate was still in the process of searching for his identity when a group of bad teenagers led his search astray." the author explicity stated that the classmate was vulnerable because he was transitioning from his childhood to teenager years. this transition involved his searching for his own identity. "because he still carried with him his childhood gullibility," his search was led astray by the slacker group. i thought this point was very clearly stated. however, the problem is that the author did not state how his classmate lived his childhood. what was his identity (besides being an academic superstar) as a child (the author's idea is controversial because one can be a successful teenager and an academic superstar at the same time)? the author mentioned how his classmate changed after he was "lured," but what is our basis of comparison for this change? that is the main problem, not the fact that being lost and led astray are two different things because they do correlate with each other.


"as this supposes to be a personal essay? NEVER use the words "my" "I" "mine" etc in an essay.
3) A famous literary character would have been better here.
Another -15 points here." --drago

taking 15 points just because the author used personal pronouns is outrageous. oh well...i guess some schools are obsessed with numerical grading.

my teacher's rule of thumb is that students can draw from their own personal experiences but they should also draw examples from literature, history, or pop culture for instance (which was used but to a limited extent).

_______________________________
SECOND PARAGRAPH

"1) This had utterly terrible grammar-I didn't even finish reading it." --drago

too bad that you noticed it had terrible grammar yet you weren't able to correct the errors. and for your information, "Noticing her looks in tabloids and magazine covers became inevitable" is indeed a sentence.
my teacher puts emphasis on grammar but more on the strength of the examples...he's not obsessed about finding grammatical errors just so that the student can receive the lowest grade possible.

"2) There was a lot of excess information about
Spears-who CARES if she started off as only a good singer? The reason for bringing her up is simple: you want to show that she is, by the media, a standard for women's beauty. Period amen!"-- drago

i think the author was trying to show that media was largely responsible for widely publicizing britney's image...because her image grew so widely publicized, "noticing her looks...became inevitable"...and seeing that spears was getting so much attention from the opposite sex, women desired to attain the qualities that britney possessed...the author tried to show that britney went from being popular mainly because of her vocal talent to becoming popular mainly because of her image (which sparked the movement among women of becoming more Spears-like)...the author argues that women wanted to become like britney spears more for her nice image than for her vocal talent (which is debatable but that's besides the point)... the author's points answer the question "why did so many women want to become like britney spears?" because first of all, the media over-publicized her image... and because her image conveyed, beauty, stylishness, etcetera, she was able to attract the opposite sex. as a result, many women wanted to be like her.

"3) It doesn't really addess the thesis: "they think they cannot be accepted for who they are." A better example would be someone who was rejected for what they were." --drago

not being accepted for who they are and being "rejected for what they were" is essentially the same. i brought up in my last post that the terms "society" and "the opposite sex" are used interchangeably...that is the main problem, not the fact that "not being accepted" and being "rejected" are two different things.


__________________________________
THIRD PARAGRAPH

"1) Out of all the paragraphs, this did address the thesis. It did show how people change to be a member of a group they find attractive. (That normally isn't impressive.)"-- drago

i disagree...the author argued that he could relate to both football players and theater students but more so with the latter group. i argued in my other post that technically, he didn't really change if the author stated that the classmate felt he belonged to both groups...only that he *chose* to identify more with football players.

"2) This paragraph used personal pronouns."
--drago

you already addressed this issue. again, i will say that *my* teacher allows students to draw from personal experiences and permits the use of personal pronouns. i can tell you right now that this is not the reason why the essay was given a grade below a D.

"3) This person used 100% personal material. For all I know, this person could be making it up. How do I know that they didn't BS this essay? I don't."

the second example with pop culture is not personal material, although the author used personal pronouns. i agree that the author could have used examples from literature and history.

_____________________________


"This essay seems to be more about people judging others by their looks rather than the actual thesis stated in paragraph one. For a conclusion paragraph, this was far too long. It also didn't restate the thesis, etc. Another -10 points." --drago

only the third paragraph deals with looks (being pretty, thin, etc.) while the other paragraphs deal with fitting in with the ideal group/class. that's why i argued in my last post that the conclusion doesn't really tie up the major ideas well enough.

bottom line: you arrived with the same grade as my teacher but most of your reasoning is flawed.


in my school, teachers are able to assign the grade with *proper* justification of *why* they assigned such a grade.

______________________

no hard feelings, drago.

By Drago (Drago) on Sunday, February 01, 2004 - 04:29 pm: Edit

"i thought this point was very clearly stated."

Obviously it wasn't.

Just because someone is transitioning from one point of their life to another does not mean that they're lost. All this paragraph showed to me was someone who HAD an identity and was pulled astray. I didn't see any mention of how this person was looking for an identity.

"that is the main problem, not the fact that being lost and led astray are two different things because they do correlate with each other."

But they're not the same. If you're lost, you take the wrong path simply because you're lost and looking for a path. If you go astray, you're on the right path and step off.

"taking 15 points just because the author used personal pronouns is outrageous. oh well...i guess some schools are obsessed with numerical grading."

No, I would take of 15 points for this paragraph because of the grammar mistakes, the personal pronouns, and the subject of the paragraph.

The way I look at a five-paragraph essay is that each paragraph is worth 20 points. This is comprised of grammar, content, etc.

In my current English class we have Form/Content grades.

"my teacher's rule of thumb is that students can draw from their own personal experiences but they should also draw examples from literature, history, or pop culture for instance"

In this instance, it would most certainly have been better if the author used a literary or historical figure for this point. I personally think that personal experiences, unless extraordinary, are weak.

"too bad that you noticed it had terrible grammar yet you weren't able to correct the errors."

Actually, I was able to correct it, but I had limited time on the computer. The other problem I have-as my friends tell me when I correct their papers-is that I change things that are grammatically correct because I think the arragement is poor. But, if you'd like, I can attempt to re-write this essay, without dropping the points, with better grammar.

"and for your information, "Noticing her looks in tabloids and magazine covers became inevitable" is indeed a sentence."

Sorry, apparently I put the wrong note there.

"my teacher puts emphasis on grammar but more on the strength of the examples...he's not obsessed about finding grammatical errors just so that the student can receive the lowest grade possible."

Neither am I. However, this person is, as you said, a high school sophomore. This person should know how to put an essay together. Obviously, this person does not know the rules of grammar, and a bad essay grade would be the most likely way of getting the author to learn more about it.

"i think the author was trying to show that media was largely responsible for widely publicizing britney's image...because her image grew so widely publicized, "noticing her looks...became inevitable"...and seeing that spears was getting so much attention from the opposite sex, women desired to attain the qualities that britney possessed..."

All right, then why does it matter how she started off as "just a singer" with no sex appeal? It doesn't apply to this paragraph or this point at all.

"the author tried to show that britney went from being popular mainly because of her vocal talent to becoming popular mainly because of her image (which sparked the movement among women of becoming more Spears-like)...the author argues that women wanted to become like britney spears more for her nice image than for her vocal talent"

Again-I don't see how the vocal talent is needed in this paragraph at all. The author's main point for this paragraph was "they think they cannot be accepted for who they are". Is the author trying to say that Spears felt that she couldn't be accepted for who she was, or the people who model themselves after Spears? It should be one, not both.

"(which is debatable but that's besides the point)..."

No, it's not besides the point. You don't normally want to put something "debatable" in your essay. Right here, the author needed a concrete example.

"not being accepted for who they are and being "rejected for what they were" is essentially the same. i brought up in my last post that the terms "society" and "the opposite sex" are used interchangeably...that is the main problem, not the fact that "not being accepted" and being "rejected" are two different things."

No, the problem is that neither someone "not being accepted" for who they are nor someone "being rejected" for who they are is clearly shown in this paragraph at all. My suggestion was to take an example of someone who was rejected for who they are, but that's not necessary entirely.

"i disagree...the author argued that he could relate to both football players and theater students but more so with the latter group. i argued in my other post that technically, he didn't really change if the author stated that the classmate felt he belonged to both groups...only that he *chose* to identify more with football players."

Since the paragraph is another personal experience, we really can't argue too much here. We can only take the author's prespective on the situation. The author said that this student was "very talented in the performing arts", but says nothing of this student's ability as a football player, so we, the audience, will have to assume that his abilities as a football player is less than his abilities as an actor.

Yes, he CHOSE to change from his better (as we assume from the writing) talent to his lesser talent because he was more attracted to the latter.

"you already addressed this issue. again, i will say that *my* teacher allows students to draw from personal experiences and permits the use of personal pronouns."

I am not your teacher. I am grading as I feel that most Sophomore English teachers should grade-or along the same lines that I think they should grade.

"i can tell you right now that this is not the reason why the essay was given a grade below a D."

It's not the only reason I'd give it below a D either.


"bottom line: you arrived with the same grade as my teacher but most of your reasoning is flawed."

I don't think so, to be honest. It all depends on where you've come from.

"in my school, teachers are able to assign the grade with *proper* justification of *why* they assigned such a grade."

I can do so, too. For a sophomore paper, this is far below average. If the author earns a grade of F, then he or she would understand that they need a good deal of improvement.

drago

By Averagemathgeek (Averagemathgeek) on Sunday, February 01, 2004 - 04:31 pm: Edit

Is this becoming a war of who can "post the most"?

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Sunday, February 01, 2004 - 05:08 pm: Edit

we agreed to give the essay the same grade but we disagree on why it deserves this grade.

i give up... if we keep saying our points over and over again, we won't get anywhere.

let's just agree to disagree. i'm smiling

By Conker (Conker) on Monday, February 02, 2004 - 09:31 am: Edit

Hi Gian,

That sounds like a great idea! I didn't know that your teacher was so willing to hand out anonymous essays to you guys, so I thought the only B essays that you could obtain were your own. I'm sorry if I offended you by asking.

Conker

By Rachelvishy (Rachelvishy) on Friday, July 30, 2004 - 01:56 pm: Edit

OK guys, instead of commenting on what he shouldn't have done, can we give examples of what he should have done for this essay? What should the examples be? I'm curious.