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Hello everyone! Here I have my first draft of the "all applicant" essay (i.e. "please describe yourself in an autobigraphical or creative essay," or whatever it says). It's in the very first stages of editing, and it is also not very good. Also- I chose to write a creative rather than autobiographical essay (PS: "----" means a new paragraph).

Please! I need your help! Any comments are welcome! The good, the bad, the ANYTHING! Thank you VERY much!

----Golden light reaches through the windows and rests gently on the floor, its hue becoming deeper and richer as the sun leisurely sets. Plumes of steam rise from the stove as my mother cooks halibut. The smell of saffron rice floats delicately into my nose, and I inhale deeply, trying futilely to satiate my appetite. Sssssssssss. The fish hisses in the pan as it is drowned in a butter sauté. Bubbles in the pot of water playfully jump up and gurgle as the water comes to a boil, beckoning the already-peeled potatoes. The warmth of the room seeps into my pores and envelops my body. The memories of the room wander through my mind.
----I uncross my legs and place them on the hardwood floor. My socks slide effortlessly along the slick surface. I look up at my mom, who is wholly enthralled in The Joy of Cooking. Wally, my dog, barks outside as the neighbors open their squeaky gate. My mom absentmindedly shushes him. Swathe
----The wind picks up outside and makes the tops of the trees dance with abandon. The phone rings, but no one picks it up. Brrring, Brrring, Brrring. Its symmetrical rhythm is out of place in the peacefully offbeat kitchen, where nothing has an even tempo. It becomes quiet once again; however I don’t seem to mind. This rare moment of solitude is soothing amid life’s customary chaos.
----Family dinner is a routine event in our household. Others pass it off as too traditional or mundane, but its consistency in my family has given my life structure and has given me a close relationship with my mother, father, stepfather, twin, older brother, and step sister.
----The golden rays of sun are dimming now, becoming pale peach beams. The light trickles in through the windows, splashing on the floor. It is soon mopped up by the dark as a swarm of shadows invades the kitchen, extinguishing the daylight.

There it is! I hope you liked it! And thank you again for reading it and helping me out!

By Tlaktan (Tlaktan) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 02:52 am: Edit

It seems poetic. I like it. Mine is autobiographical, more as if it were in the third-person even if it were written in the third person.

It seems a little bit too poetic, and if anything, it doesn't show you as well as it should.. Remember, the Ad-Essay is to give the adcom an insight into YOU.. :D

It does, but in the more implied manner.. and if that's what you were shooting for, ignore the above.

By Misfit6toy (Misfit6toy) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 06:45 am: Edit

i agree with tlaktan that is seems a little bit too poetic, also it's not really the most interesting to read because I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.

I like your main angle of dinner bringing u closer to your family - i think it's a great idea - but u dont develop that through your essay. instead, u focus on the flowery descriptions of your mom cooking - which could be a good introduction - but i think im a stickler for dialogue. dialogue or at least some kind of action will keep the reader's attention and also illustrate the family dynamic that u are trying to create.

so far, u have demonstrated a penchant for poetic descriptions but i think its a bit overdone and could use some more personal interactions. show, don tell, about dinner bringing your family closer together and i think it'll be great.

take my ideas for all their worth, lol. not sure if its what u were looking for -

By Clipper (Clipper) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 04:24 pm: Edit

I have to agree. As I read it I was waiting to find out about you, not your socks sliding effortlessy etc. When I got to the paragraph about the family dinner I thought maybe now you will tell us about who you are. I thought the essay was well written but not for the intended purpose.
Really, I don't mean to be harsh - you ARE a good writer - just focus on yourself and what makes you, you.
Good luck.

By Calidan (Calidan) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 05:02 pm: Edit

Thanks guys! All of these criticisms are really helpful- they're exactly what I'm looking for.

Does anyone have any idea on how I can introduce more aspects of me? I like the idea of dialogue, but I'm not sure where to fit it in- any suggestions?

I added a couple sentences to it, however I'm not sure how much I like them. At the end of the 4th paragraph, I added "It is a steadfast custom; it is our custom. It is a custom I don’t plan to forgo." Also, at the very end, I added "Tonight’s dinner is over, but I can already taste tomorrow’s."
~How do you all like those added sentences? As you can tell, my essay is still in the experimental stages, so anything can change.

PS- the word "swathe" is not supposed to be in there. I guess I botched some copy/paste thing I was doing. Oops :/

PPS- for all of your help, I would be more than glad to comment on anyone else's essay!

By Calidan (Calidan) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 05:09 pm: Edit

Oh, by the way, I was kind of just trying to portray one little slice of my life and how it reflects on me and my personality. I thought that that would be better than a big, general topic (or at least I could write about it more aptly).

Tlaktan- I guess I was going for the more implied characteristics of myself, rather than the overt. However, I think that it definitely does need to reveal more about me openly, rather than having to extract my values from the writing. Thanks!

By Tlaktan (Tlaktan) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 06:03 pm: Edit

Give me an email, I'd like to give you a private copy of my essay. It's in final draft.

By Calidan (Calidan) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 06:45 pm: Edit

danyull@gmail.com

By Misfit6toy (Misfit6toy) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 06:49 pm: Edit

hmmm maybe introduce some of your family members, it seems like most of the storyline describes inanimate objects - very well written, no doubt - but it would be nice to get a feel for some family dynamic.

i have no clue about ur family so im just going to toss out some random suggestions, lets see what happens - maybe a bit of dinner conversation, the way your family interacts whether by teasing each other, sharing the days highlights, someone's liking for a certain food, the rhythm of the evening, the give and take that brings u closer together, little details and nuances like that - im not sure if im even coherent at this point lol.

Oh also, i just realized it would be a good idea to revise ur ending - it sounds a bit ominous with the shadows invading the kitchen lol - and also the phrase "trying futilely to satiate" sounds a bit awkward bc "futilely" doesnt feel natural but rather like a deliberate sat word put in-

as for the two new endings - im a bit lukewarm about them as they are kind of cliche in a way, not exactly because of the words but because it ends almost too solidly - but that could just be my own idiosyncracy i dont know

and damn i realize im a lot better at criticism than concrete suggestions, so im gonna mull it over some more to get some ideas on how u can actually improve lol

By Calidan (Calidan) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 07:20 pm: Edit

Misfit6toy- do you think that it will work just as well if I indirectly include dialogue? I really son't like including traditional dialogue into my pieces (i.e. My mom asked "How was your day." I replied "Fine, thanks." Could I do this instead by saying : My mom would ask how my day was, and I would repeatedly respond that it was fine. Or does that sound too detached?).

By Calidan (Calidan) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 07:20 pm: Edit

...double post...

By Misfit6toy (Misfit6toy) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 08:34 pm: Edit

yeah i agree for this type of piece direct dialogue would be awkward - indirect dialogue should work better

in general do you think direct dialogue works better if u use it as the main device in the story? or maybe does it just depend on how skilled u are with it? idk, just curious...

By Misfit6toy (Misfit6toy) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 08:36 pm: Edit

hmm i think about the detached example u gave - maybe it all depends on execution. try reading some short stories with interspersed dialogue and observe the author's technique - or just make up a situation and play with it on ur own - dialogue is trickier than i thought...

By Calidan (Calidan) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 08:57 pm: Edit

IMO, dialogue is VERY tricky. If dialogue is the main device in the writing, then I think that direct dialogue is better. However, it does all depend on how skilled a writer is and how well he or she can smoothly fit it into a piece.

By Calidan (Calidan) on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 02:14 am: Edit

Ok, here it is, my new and improved (I hope!) essay:

----Golden light reaches through the windows and rests gently on the floor, its hue becoming deeper and richer as the sun leisurely sets. Plumes of steam rise from the stove as my mother cooks salmon. The smell of saffron rice floats delicately into my nose, and I inhale deeply, trying vainly to satiate my appetite. Sssssssssss. The fish hisses in the pan as it is drowned in a butter sauté. Bubbles in the pot of water playfully jump up and gurgle as the water comes to a boil, beckoning the already-peeled potatoes. The warmth of the room seeps into my pores and envelops my body. The memories of the room wander through my mind.
----I uncross my legs and place them on the hardwood floor. My socks slide effortlessly along the slick surface. I look up at my mom, who is wholly enthralled in The Joy of Cooking. Wally, my dog, barks outside as the neighbors open their squeaky gate. My mom absentmindedly shushes him.
----The wind picks up outside and makes the tops of the trees dance with abandon. The phone rings, but no one picks it up. Brrring, Brrring, Brrring. Its symmetrical rhythm is out of place in the peacefully offbeat kitchen, where nothing has an even tempo. It becomes quiet once again. This rare moment of solitude, however, is soothing amid life’s customary chaos.
----The familiar phrase “dinner time” resounds throughout the house and, one by one, my family meanders into the kitchen. I sit to the left of my twin and to the right of my mother, as I always have. My mom starts off the conversation as usual, asking how all of our days were; such a simple gesture that somehow means so much. These dinnertime conversations provide the conduit of communication that keeps my family open and honest with each other.
----Family dinner is a routine event in our household. Others pass it off as too traditional or mundane, but its consistency in my family has given my life structure and has given me a close relationship with my mother, father, stepfather, twin, older brother, and stepsister. It is a steadfast custom; it is our custom. It is a custom I plan to pass on. Because of these dinners, I have learned the merit of scheduling and punctuality. I have learned the importance of family, of reliability, and of continuity. These dinners have, in some ways, shaped many of the values I believe in today.
----The golden rays of sun are dimming now, becoming pale peach beams. The light trickles in through the windows, splashing on the floor. It is soon mopped up by the dark as a band of shadows rambles into the kitchen, subduing the daylight. Tonight’s dinner is over, but I can already taste tomorrow’s.

So are the corrections good? Does it now fulfill the prompt? Any new critiques/suggestions? Thanks again!

By Misfit6toy (Misfit6toy) on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 04:50 pm: Edit

the substitution of "vainly" works a lot better, nice choice -

the last sentence of the first paragraph repeats the structure of the previous sentence: "the ____ of the room" - im not sure if that was intentional, but i think you could make something more of that last sentence -

"asking how all our days were" doesnt sound quite right, maybe could be changed to "asking us about the day's events" or something like that -

hahaha i just realized your mom changed from cooking halibut to salmon - did u find out your admissions officer hates halibut? lol

i like the end very much now, it ends on a good note and the darkness isnt creepy anymore lol, good change -

in the new section about your family, i think you lack some of the lyrical style of the beginning. it might be a bit harder to do, but embellishing the language might keep the essay more consistent and enjoyable to read -

overall a definite improvement! good job -

By Calidan (Calidan) on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 07:04 pm: Edit

Thanks! I couldn't have done it without your help!

Oy yeah- some people that I had look over my essay said that "salmon" flowed better than halibut, because halibut is too blunt and sounds kind of gross- so I changed it. LOL.

The repetition of structure in the first paragraph is intentional, but if that's not clear or if it doesn't really work I can change it.

I definitely will work on making the language in the new parts better, it's just kind of hard to do it with reflection.

Thanks again! Any other comments, anyone?