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All right, there’s a mix of people in these forums… but I can see there are a lot of new upcoming Cal freshman on these boards in addition to current students, alumni, and folks from other colleges and even high school.

Given this mix of folks, I think it would be interesting to see what everyone imagines it will be like to be a new Cal freshman. Again, some have gone through it, some will be going through it shortly, and some can only rely on their imaginations/stereotypes of what it would be like.

It’ll be interesting to see how a story of “a day in the life of a Cal freshman” would turn out with such a mix of people. With that, I’ll begin the chronicle of a new freshman named Dan. Dan’s story starts during Welcome Week. Please feel to continue and add on – the story is what you make it. This isn’t just limited to 1 day either.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dan wakes up and finds himself on the top of a bunk bed which he nearly falls off of. He quickly remembers that he’s not at home, but in his new dorm room. He’s tired from moving in the day before. He had already said his good-bye’s to his family and so today was the real start of his college career as a free man. He sees that one of his room-mates is still sleeping on the lower bunk. What was his name again? Judging by the extra empty bed, the other room-mate hasn’t moved in yet. What?!!! 3 people in this tiny room? That’s impossible.

Dan climbs down from his bunk and steps out of his dorm room into the hallway. He sees boxes and trash down the hallway – leftover from all the student’s moving in the day before. He puts on his sandals and heads to the bathroom.

On the way, he sees…

By Ucaaron (Ucaaron) on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 04:07 am: Edit

Nobody, because everybody is sleeping!

By Fenix_Three (Fenix_Three) on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 12:42 pm: Edit

Happy that he'll have the bathroom to himself Dan gets into the shower only to remember that he left his towel in the room. Thankfully, he hasn't gotten wet yet, so he heads back, but discovers that he has also forgotten his key. He knocks on the door a couple of times, and after about two minutes his groggy roommate (George, that's his name!) lets him inside. George isn't too pleased to be awake at seven in the morning, so he falls back onto his bed and instantly falls asleep.

By Khan (Khan) on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 09:19 pm: Edit

Dan grabs his towel and heads back to the bathroom. Still empty - good! He gets in a shower stall and starts showering... Dangit! He forgot his soap and shampoo. Ah forget it. He decides to just take a shower anyway.

As the steam is starting to come up from the hot water, he hears strange, voluminous noises from one of the toilet stalls. What duh? Uhhhgggg!!!! He was not alone in the bathroom anymore. Was it the garbanzo beans they served in the cafeteria last night? Or the Rib-b-q? Must be. Got to get outta here!!!

Dan quickly turns the shower off and dries himself with a towel all while holding his breath. Without the shower drowning out any noise, it was unbearable. He gets his clothes on and bolts out of the shower stall. He heads straight to his room. As he opens the door to his room, he looks back toward the bathroom and sees a cute, petite girl walk out of the bathroom... Can it be? No way!!

By Twsmhs (Twsmhs) on Thursday, July 29, 2004 - 12:22 am: Edit

wow

By Khan (Khan) on Friday, July 30, 2004 - 12:36 am: Edit

(come on guys - this is no fun if I'm the only one continuing the story... ah forget it!)

By Sbpnoi112 (Sbpnoi112) on Saturday, July 31, 2004 - 02:56 pm: Edit

The day lingers on, and yet no one has seemed to awaken. Dan, in boredom, decides to take a walk on the other floors to find another early bird. On the top floor, Dan finds a room that seems to have activity in it, but, by gosh, he sees smoke seeping out from under the door! He instinctively rushes toward the room, feels the doorknob for heat, and knocks heavily to see if anyone is in there. A red eyed individual answers and truculently inquires as to his calling so early in the morning. Suddenly, a familar scent reaches Dan's nose. He thinks to himself, " I know this is Berkeley, but deng! On the first day!" Witnessing his reaction, the red-eyed neighbor quietly invites Dan in and shuts the door. It has been years since Dan quit passing the magic herb, for he needed to get his priorities straight to get into berkeley. The temptation, however, is nearly overpowering and now...his conscience comes into play......

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Saturday, July 31, 2004 - 05:29 pm: Edit

Dan punches Red-Eye in the face, grabs a brick of juicy weed, and races for the door. From out of nowhere come two large thugs waiting for him at the door. Without hesitation, Dan darts the other way towards the window. Red-Eye screams, "Get HIM!"

By Sbpnoi112 (Sbpnoi112) on Monday, August 02, 2004 - 04:27 pm: Edit

Dan jumps out of the window, darts past a group of nuns, runs into a homeless person, and is caught as a possible getaway car speeds right past him. (aight...that wasn't really creative...but i wanna keep this alive...and besides...that was stolen from that one german movie). Oh no, he wakes up and is given a second chance. Dan Rennt.

By Khan (Khan) on Monday, August 02, 2004 - 08:48 pm: Edit

He finds himself on the floor of the shower stall. Water is pouring down and he has no idea what has happened. What is going on?

The last thing he remembers is hearing those strange noises from a nearby toilet stall and the unbearable smell that followed it. The toxic fumes had apparently gotten the better of him and he was knocked out.

He gets up and turns the water off. He has no idea how long he's been out. He hopes not too long, but the wrinkles on his hands and feet say otherwise.

What a way to wake up from a dream of being "Berk-man!" He had the ability to jump from 8 story buildings, obtain bricks of weed with lightning speed, and punch-out red-eye punks... and to wake up to this?

He gets his clothes on and carefully gets out of the shower stall. He prays that no one sees him...

By Stanfordman99 (Stanfordman99) on Monday, August 02, 2004 - 09:08 pm: Edit

Then Stanfordman walks out of the toilet stall.

He whispers to Dan, "Damn, you Berkeley people have hella bad Mexican food. And the damn thing won't flush. Oh well, I'll pay you five bucks to clean the shtit up."

As Stanfordman walks out of the room, he drops a 5 dollar bill into the toilet and says, "This way you'll only get paid when you clean up the mess." Dan boils up with a tremendous rage, snatches a towell off the rack, and.......

By Khan (Khan) on Monday, August 02, 2004 - 10:26 pm: Edit

then busts out in uncontrollable laughter.

"That's what you get for wearing your Stanfurd shirt here in Berkeley!! You think you'd get by without consequence? Unbelievable! How naive..." says Dan as he shakes his head in pity and tries to hold his laughter in.

Stanfordman shrivels in disgust and utter humiliation.

Dan bids him farewell: "Good luck getting outta town." Dan swaggers past Stanfordman and heads to his room.

By Stanfordman99 (Stanfordman99) on Monday, August 02, 2004 - 11:17 pm: Edit

Stanfordman feels crushed and thinks to himself, "So that's why that pretty Berkeley girl kept laughing while we ate lunch. She must have put some Eslax in my taco." He washes his face, but is too embarrassed to look at himself in the mirror. "Man," he mutters. "I am such a dumbass. I just pulled a George Bush."

As Stanfordman walks out into the hall, he sees Dan talking with a bunch of Berkeley frat guys. "Oh ••••!" he exclaims. "They're headed right towards me and I still have my Stanford shirt on." He runs in the opposite direction and opens a door...........

By Mysticwistful (Mysticwistful) on Monday, August 02, 2004 - 11:34 pm: Edit

...where he bumps into Cindy, the girl who sabotaged Stanfordman's lunch. Secretly, Cindy is attracted to Stanfordman but dating a guy from Stanford would be seen as a cardinal offense on the Berkeley campus. Ashamed of her feelings, she tries to mask it by being as mean to Stanfordman as possible.

Stanfordman stands speechless in front of Cindy and feels a mix of embarrassment and anger. Before he can brush her aside, Cindy grabs him and hands him over to Dan and the frat guys. "I nabbed the sucker," she proudly exclaims, and gets high fives from them all.

By Buckojackson (Buckojackson) on Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 03:33 am: Edit

After 45 minutes of pummeling, Stanfordman awakens and removes the Stanford shirt from his nether region. He decides against suicide and returns to his campus.

Meanwhile, Dan has returned to his dorm room to find his roommate awake -- and he's pleasuring himself.

"Oh, you're back. Uhh...I needed to christen the room, if you know what I mean," explains a slightly embarrassed George. He gets up and offers his hand to Dan. "I hope we can become really close friends -- really close."

Dan shakes the slightly moist hand and recoils. "Yeah, that'd be cool, man," Dan mutters.

At that moment, the dorm's door bursts wide open, slamming against the wall like a shotgun. Dan and George quickly turn to find a 350 lb. black guy standing in the doorway with 3 large boxes on each arm. "Howdy, b*tches! Make room for Leon!" exclaims the new roommate. George and Dan look at eachother, shake their heads and smile as they realize that this year would be one that they'll never forget.

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 04:40 am: Edit

Leon dumps the boxes on his bed and shouts, "Presents for my new pals!" Leon takes a crowbar out of his boot, lifts it up high, and smashes the boxes open. From one box spill several semi-automatic weapons. The second box breaks open to release a mountain of cocaine. From the last box is a large container of extra durable condoms. "It's party time!" screams Leon. "Don't worry," says George, zipping up his pants. "I can handle this." George puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles loudly. At the doorway appears Lee, George's faithful Asian sidekick.

By Steveruleworld (Steveruleworld) on Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 06:43 am: Edit

As Lee spots the broken boxes and crowbar in leon's hands, Lee steps a few steps down the hall and dials for cops. A minute later Leon is on the floor, cuffed, being read his rights. The cops quickly examine the boxes, snap a few photos, and position a guard outside the room Leon is forcibly dragged from the room.

Being a crime scene, the room is immediately sectioned off and Dan and George are relocated to the double room across the hall which is suprisingly vacant. As Dan sets his stuff down on his new bed, he realizes he took George for more than he bargained for. Suddenly, Lee appears in the doorway and mentions a party going on later that night at a frat, though he couldn't remember which one. He apologizes for not introducing himself earlier, and mentions that he is a good friend of George. And that Dan should come to the party as well, more than enough fun to go around.

By Stanfordman99 (Stanfordman99) on Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 01:25 pm: Edit

Stanfordman comes back, and smacks Lee in the head for being subservient to a white man. "You're better than him," he replies. "You have to learn how to be his boss when you get out of college."

With his newfound strength, Lee runs off to Wall Street and becomes the founder of a publicly traded company. He hires George to wash his car and walk his dog.

By Pookdogg (Pookdogg) on Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 01:33 pm: Edit

Meanwhile, Dan and George get changed, slap on some deodorant, strap themselves onto backpacks, and begin the trek to the Crossroads DC. Dan's hoping they serve hamburgers for breakfast: after all, they're the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. As they leave, they absent-mindedly leave their dorm door unlocked. They get onto the elevator, and begin to descend. Stanfordman, sniffing an opportunity, decides to invite himself into their dorm, perhaps to do some interior redecorating...

By Buckojackson (Buckojackson) on Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 02:40 pm: Edit

His arms filled with posters of Asian male models, Stanfordman enters Dan and George's room. At that moment it hits him -- with Leon arrested and gone, he would absolutely love to room with Dan and George.

Stanfordman begins to hang posters of Asian men in provocative poses. After 10 minutes of this, he starts to ponder how he will approach the situation. Does he ask Dan and George if they would accept him as their 3rd roomie? What will his parents think? What if Berkeley housing finds out?

Just then, the dorm door opens. It's Dan and George, back from a great lunch with new friends. Stanfordman decides to bite the bullet and come right out and ask...

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 03:58 pm: Edit

"Dan, George...Can I live with you?"
George is stunned. "That's a long commute to Stanford."
"I know," Stanfordman says, "but I-I love you, George."
Stanfordman then turns to Dan. "And Dan...I am your brother."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Dan falls to the floor and clutches his head...

By Sbpnoi112 (Sbpnoi112) on Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 09:22 pm: Edit

Dan has insurmoutable rage. Being related to someone from Standford and not knowing about it seriously says something about his character, his relationship with his family, and his honor. He immediately reaches under his bed for his well oiled katana sword, shouts, and beheads standford man in one swift stroke. He then takes his head, shears off as much hair as possible, and mounts the head on his bedpost. He burns the hair cerimoniously in the trash can, its putrid stench causing his eyes to burn black tears that stain like ink on the floor. He knows he has wronged, crying in fear of what he has done, and commits suicide, saumrai style.

By Pookdogg (Pookdogg) on Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 09:32 pm: Edit

You can't kill Stanfordman!

And you can't kill Dan either. He was the main character. This story sucks without them.

By Khan (Khan) on Tuesday, August 03, 2004 - 10:23 pm: Edit

[Presses Rewind]

pppffffffffftttt...sscccrrrsssssssrrccccssss

Sorry guys - the folks in the editing room made a bad mistake. They have been fired.

We're back to where we left off...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Dan falls to the floor and clutches his head...

By Mysticwistful (Mysticwistful) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 12:15 am: Edit

As Dan screams at the top of his lungs, Stanfordman starts hysterically laughing. "Psych!" he replies. "That's what you get for pummeling me unconcious with your friends."

Dan boils up with rage, and thinks of a way to get back at him. As Stanfordman walks down the hall, Dan furtively follows him with a pair of scissors. All of a sudden, Dan notices somebody else is following Stanfordman from a distance. It's Cindy, and she.....

By Khan (Khan) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 12:39 am: Edit

(c'mon guys, seriously - let's stay away from scissors, swords, and the like - quite unnecessary)

By Deferreddude (Deferreddude) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 12:52 am: Edit

It's Cindy and she was stalking Stanfordman. Despite all the hatred of Stanford she proclaims to have, she secretly has a huge crush on him. Dan is completely oblivious of Cindy's hidden feelings and walks towards her.

"Hey putting Eslax in that guy's lunch was a genius idea," whispered Dan. "Now I know this idea of mine might not be as good, but I thought of a really cool idea to make Stanfordman's life even more miserable!"

Dan drops his scissors, and plans a maniacal scheme to exact revenge against Stanfordman. Taking a piece of paper, he sketches a plan to.....

By Buckojackson (Buckojackson) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 01:56 am: Edit

lol..i love how Dan constantly boils with rage.

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 04:57 am: Edit

...he sketches a plan to replace the toilet paper in Stanfordman's preferred stall with sandpaper. Cindy laughs and agrees to buy some sandpaper. Inwardly, however, she is shocked.
"I don't want anything to happen to Stanfordman's cute butt!" she cries in dismay. "What should I do?"
Suddenly, Cindy realizes that she, Dan, and every other "character" has missed every class on the first day of school. "Oh no! Why does all the bad stuff happen to me?" She cries softly in her dorm room, only to hear a knock on the door. She opens the door to find Stanfordman with slicked back hair carrying flowers and a box of chocolates.
"I picked you some posies," he says meekly.

By Lilpopers (Lilpopers) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 06:11 am: Edit

"Um,thanks" responds Cindy
"I was thinking, maybe we could celebrate Welcome Week together" asks Dan
"Maybe if I give him a little booty he'll leave me alone", Cindy thinks to herself
She tries to break him off, but he is obviusly an amateur, and faints to the floor under the pressure.
She steps over Dan (whose pants are half on half off, revealing his Elmo underwear) and comes face to face with Leon who....

By Pookdogg (Pookdogg) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 12:36 pm: Edit

If this is what Berkeley is really going to be like, I'm scared. Very scared. Anyways...

...says "What up, b***h?"

Cindy begins to respond to his sexist statement when Leon is gang-tackled by the police officers he had so deftly evaded a few minutes earlier. The cops, wanting to be sure he wasn't resisting arrest anymore, viciously club Leon with nightsticks until he was unconscious, then kicking him a few extra times, zapping him with a Tazer, and spraying him with pepper spray just for good measure. To save time, they shove the body out the window so they can pick it up on the ground floor. Belatedly one of the officers says to the other, "wait, I forgot we were on the seventh floor."

The second officer: "Whoops. Well, nothing a couple Ziplock bags and some paper towels couldn't do. Uhm, call the coroner and tell 'em we got a jumper. The usual."

As the first cop takes out cell phone, the second officer turns to Cindy: "you wouldn't happen to have some Ziplocks, would you? Oh, and some rubber gloves. Heavy ones."

He trips over an unconscious Stanfordman/Dan (which one is it?). He turns suspiciously to Cindy, frowns. She grins sheepishly and begins to explain when suddenly...

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 04:35 pm: Edit

A huge series of farts rip out of Stanfordman's Elmo underwear.
"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"brrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeee."
"brrr."
"br."
"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"Oh God," cries the second officer faintly. All of the officers and Cindy collapse. Stanfordman sleeps softly.

On the ground, the liquidized pieces of Leon slowly come together. The liquid shapes into the form of Leon, and solidifies. Leon cracks his neck and looks at his hand. Slowly, his hand transforms into a giant lance. He smiles.

"HA HA HA! HAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

By Chemyst (Chemyst) on Friday, August 06, 2004 - 10:05 pm: Edit

Despite the stench emanating from Stanfordman's arse, Dan somehow manages to revive himself from his place on the floor. He looks at Stanfordman and plugs his nose. "Dude, why can't you do that over at Stanford, man? It smells like a pig sty in here."

He then notices Cindy on the floor along with several of the cops. He grabs the girl and makes a dash for the door. This day had already gone rotten enough. He was going to make a break for it. Telegraph Avenue was the name of the break.

He took the unconscious Cindy and ran down Bancroft with Stanfordman following in close pursuit. So far Leon hadn't noticed the trio had left the building. Soon, they run into an old guy with a big brown beard and long brown hair wearing a hat who says, "If you're from Berkeley, I'll eat my hat with chopsticks!"

Dan ignores the fellow and tries to blend in with the other folks on Telegraph. Cindy was getting heavy. It was going to be hard to look normal. It's not everyday you're walking down Telegraph with a girl in your arms suffering from an overdose of human methane gas and a guy who's producing it like there's no tomorrow.

Soon the streets of Telegraph had cleared. The area was declared unsafe for humans due to the high concentration of methane and carbon dioxide in the area. It was roped off all the way from Bancroft to Ashby.

Dan stood, not knowing what to do.

By Stanfordman99 (Stanfordman99) on Friday, August 06, 2004 - 10:16 pm: Edit

Dan lets go of Cindy, and she runs into the comforting arms of Stanfordman. They make love on the spot, and the old guy with a big brown beard and long brown hair wearing a hat gets so excited that he eats his own hat with his chopsticks!

By Chemyst (Chemyst) on Saturday, August 07, 2004 - 12:24 am: Edit

Then the old guy began to choke on his hat.

The lovers, completely oblivious, never called the paramedics.

There was a dead man in the streets!

By Khan (Khan) on Saturday, August 07, 2004 - 12:47 am: Edit

The old man had choked while witnessing the most bizarre spectacle. He thought he had seen it all - but this was a first!!!

Stanfordman thought he was making love to Cindy, but in reality was making love to a trash can. The methane was producing hallucinations of grandeur.

Meanwhile, Dan and Cindy are long gone and there was a dead man in the street. Stanfordman is still making love to "Cindy."

By Ulaia (Ulaia) on Saturday, August 07, 2004 - 12:48 am: Edit

It soon gets dark, and no one seems to notice until Dan comes along, flashlight in hand, trying to find his "pals." He shoves Stanfordman aside and says, "Dude, are you ever going back to YOUR school?"
"Hey," Stanfordman retorts, "Stanford classes don't start until a month later...I can hang around here as long as I want..."
Dan brushes him off and goes up to Cindy, scratching his head, "Umm, I almost forgot to ask: what major are you anyways?"
"Why? Is it important? It's two o'clock in the morning" Cindy looks confused.
"Well, I thought maybe we might go to some classes together tomorrow morning."
Cindy frowns a bit, "That doesn't sound like you Dan, what's going on?"
Dan shrugs, "Thought I might sleep over at your place tonight - don't get me wrong now, I'm just going for the floor...cause you know...Leon..."
"OK."
"Can I come too?" Stanfordman tries to intervene.
"Only if you take care of this dead person here," Dan and Cindy reply in unison.
"WHAAAAATTT!" Stanfordman shrieks, just noticing the dead person at his feet, "But I didn't kill him!"
"Let's go," Cindy grabs Dan's arm.
"Okay Okay Okay," Stanfordman goes. So much for the friendship and lovemaking. It's really hard to think at two in the morning, and the huge trash can looks more and more promising with every passing second...

By Xonx34 (Xonx34) on Saturday, August 07, 2004 - 02:06 am: Edit

The following was written by tavilach:

Stanfordman is far behind, and continues to make love with "Cindy." He pauses for a
second, kicks the dead body into the middle of the road, and then gets back to his
love making. As he has sweet sex with the garbage can, he doesn't notice that the dead
body he shoved into the street causes a hundred-car pile-up.

Meanwhile, as Cindy and Dan walk over to her place, they hear a strange noise above
the wailing of the sirens.

"MMMMHMMMMMMM"
"HMMMMHMMHMMHMHMUUUMMMUHHHMMM"
"MMMMMMMMMHHH"

"What *is* that?" asks Cindy.
"It must be Stanfordman. He's probably taking a dump in the bushes..." says Dan.
"Oh."
"Those farts were forshadowing something far worse, it seems."
"Oh."

Suddenly, a strange guy pops out of the bushes. His fingers are stuck up his nose, and
his mouth is taped shut. It is no wonder that he's moaning...he can't talk, and he
can't breath!

"Haha, look at the nerd!" exclaims Cindy.
"Sit, boy" says Dan.

The nerd sits down, his face turning blue.

"Aww, the poor nerd must be cold!" says Cindy. "His face is turning blue. Maybe if I
pour some hot cocoa on him..."
"Great idea," says Dan, who goes into a shop to get some hot cocoa.

Dan comes out of the shop with the hot cocoa, and pours it all over the mysterious
nerd, whose limbs are starting to settle down.

"He's warming up! Yay!" shouts Cindy.
"Oh...crap...he's suffocating," says Dan.
"Bummer."
"Yeah."

Stanfordman catches up to them, and lets out a big one, which blows the tape off of
the nerd's mouth.

"Thank you, Farting Dude!" exclaims the nerd. "My name is Tavi."

By Buckojackson (Buckojackson) on Saturday, August 07, 2004 - 02:43 am: Edit

LOL..what a first day. ;)

By Theworldismine (Theworldismine) on Sunday, August 08, 2004 - 02:19 am: Edit

Tavi, who wears a pair of tape-wrapped glasses, and coincidentally, still has his fingers up his nose, beats the •••• out of Dan with his feet ... or at least tries to before being quickly picked up by one of the football players, given a wedgie, and then thrown in a looker in Wheeler Hall. He can be heard crying down the hallway, complaining that this is just like high school and that life is relatively unfair.

Meanwhile, Dan and Cindy are still walking to her place. On the way, Stanfordman makes another appearance. He farts in Cindy's face and scares her half to death. She then bitch slaps him four times, calls him an arrogant prick, whips out her Pepperspray, .... and jams it up his ass.

Dan is stunned. He now thinks Cindy is one kickass chick. He swoops her off her feet and ...


*I am so bad at this*

By Voodoochile (Voodoochile) on Sunday, August 08, 2004 - 12:08 pm: Edit

..gets a slipped disc. Yes, Dan should have spent more time in the gym before he decided to go around swooping people. What's more is he drops Cindy on her head and she gets knocked out.

Dan writhes on the floor, unable to get up, while Cindy is out cold. Just then, a hungry dog appears and starts nosing Dan's tasty crotch with much eagerness. Dan is helpless! The horror! Who will save him???

By Voodoochile (Voodoochile) on Monday, August 09, 2004 - 09:35 am: Edit

How come all of these story threads die whenever I post something???

By Pookdogg (Pookdogg) on Monday, August 09, 2004 - 01:00 pm: Edit

Don't worry Voodoo...this thread/storyline should have died long before you posted. When Stanfordman started humping the damn trash can, that should have been a warning sign...

By Liberty (Liberty) on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 12:40 am: Edit

Oski will save him! The mighty bear picks up the bear and flings it into the atmosphere! He then hoists Dan one one shoulder and Cindy on the other and rushes them instantly to the UHS in Tang Center. After dropping them off in urgent care Oski went on to put out a forest fire, stop a bank robbery, deliver triplets and find Osama bin Laden. Way to go Oski!

By Liberty (Liberty) on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 12:41 am: Edit

picks up the dog... whoops

By Stanfordman99 (Stanfordman99) on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 01:13 am: Edit

Oski rescues Dan and Cindy but leaves Stanfordman high and dry. "Save me," yells Stanfordman, but nobody hears him. Telegraph avenue seems rather inhospitable at night, so he goes back to his own college campus.

(Now this part is true)
Stanfordman walks sadly to his dorm in Wilbur, which is apparently the worst dorm complex at Stanford. His housing assignment really sucks, and his room has plain carpeting with nothing special or luxurious. He watches with envy as other froshies get wooden floors, high volume ceilings, and marble tiled bathrooms.

Stanfordman receives another blow from his stock broker at Ameritrade, who says he is ineligible to participate in Google's initial public offering. "Arrghhhh!!" yells Stanfordman. "Could this day be any worse?"

By Pookdogg (Pookdogg) on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 01:44 am: Edit

As it turns out, the day can get worse, and it soon does. Stanfordman almost gets run over by a golf cart, gets massively overcharged at the Stanford mall, and evidently has a mild allergic reaction to adobe and stucco. He is also astounded and repulsed by the poor quality of the school football team. Should have thought about that before deciding to go to Palo Alto...

But the wheel of fortune inevitably turns in his favor. Due to a housing mix-up, Stanfordman ended up rooming with a girl who bore a striking resemblence to Jessica Alba and had just inherited a few million dollars from a dead uncle.

Stanfordman spent the rest of the year successfully wooing and bedding said roommate and effectively departed from this fair story. Lucky bastard. You owe me one, Stanfordman.

By Auginator (Auginator) on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 03:54 am: Edit

Yes, it seems that all's well ends well. Oski saved the day, Dan and Cindy sleep soundly, Tavi is still shackled in his locker, and Stanfordman is continuing to woo his roommate.

However, we are in college, and college life can be deceiving. Dan and Cindy wake up and are off to breakfast at Crossroads. Cindy eats a fruit salad while Dan chugs down the sprinkles by the ice cream machine.

Stanfordman wakes up to find that his roommate is in fact a man, her moustache becoming visible in the sun light. They both head down to the local Cafetorium where Chardonnay and Caviar are served.

Another day begins at Berkeley, since in the shadows of Telegraph avenue, right next to the "Get High" water vase store, Leon skulks the treacherous street, "I'm gonna get those B**ches!"

By the way, the Trash Can contracts herpes, I wonder where it got that from?

By Ownownage (Ownownage) on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 04:13 am: Edit

Actually stanfordman didn't get the girl. You see stanfordman was kinda like dan, a bit awkward, lanky, socially inept. But he had a plan to get the Alba girl thing. He called across the room to ask the flaming hot girl for her sn so that he could talk to her online instead of face to face. Cuz Stanfordman wasn't good at talking to girls face to face. So he would talk to his hot roomate over aim. And besides, Alba girl was so hot and Stanford man was a bit horny. So if he did talk to her he would just stare at her face and chest the entire time and not really say anything except, ""mmm nice br....ains" So their room was pretty silent most of the times except for the clicks of Stanfordman and Albawoman's keyboard typing away, with Stanfordman trying to win over his roomate's heart via the AIM. So Stanfordman managed to do that for a while. But then, Albawoman caught Stanfordman looking at porn(of jessica alba) and bitch slapped him then gave him a zoolander style wedgie. Then she blocked him on AIM and that was the end of their relationship.

Meanwhile, Dan had recovered from his injuries and decided to get a job at Crossroads. Feeling entreprenueristic, Dan proposed a new menu to cater to the substantial Asian population at Cal. He proposed adding the following dishes to the menu: Kung Pao panda, General Tsao Panda, Peking Panda, Panda simmered under low heat with assorted vegetables, and Panda Stew. When Chen-Fu, the manager at the time, saw Dan's proposal, he bitch slapped Dan across the face. He chastised Dan for not being sympathetic to the Asian people. I mean how could he be so narrow minded and expect Asian people to eat their beloved and cute panda? So as a punishment and to teach Dan more about what it means to be Asian, Chen made Dan do 5 SAT verbal tests. Then he made Dan do SAT math tests until he got three consecutive 800's.

By Voodoochile (Voodoochile) on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 10:19 am: Edit

Just as things were getting a little bit too crazy, Dan woke up. "Yawn... that was one crazy dream. Hey, how come I'm naked?"
It was then that Dan turned to his right and there, sleeping next to him was none other than Oski the bear!
But what's more, to his left was... the trash can!!

"Wtf is going on?" said Dan, realizing that he had no recollection of what he did the previous night. "Oh well... Time for some Kentucky Fried Panda. It's finger Ling Ling good!"

By Ulaia (Ulaia) on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 02:22 pm: Edit

It's seven thirty in the morning and Dan is obviously hungry. He searches around for leftovers and finds none. Cindy, George, Stanfordman, and even Leon are nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Dan remembers that he had signed up for an eight o'clock lecture. Dammit! He can't remember whether it was a really important class like Math or some stupid seminar. He's already missed day 1, so he figures he can't miss today.

Dan stumbles around the hilly terrain of Berkeley in his pajamas. He thinks his host from CalSO once showed him where the supposed math class was going to be. Standing at the door, Dan hesitates...what if it's not the right one and everyone just stares at me as I walk in? What if it is the right one and the professor remembers how I didn't show up on the first day? What if...

Suddenly the door opens and hits Dan in the face. Furious that he lost his train of thought, Dan turns around..."Who the hell do you think you are, hitting people..." but he ends up swallowing the rest of his sentence when he sees that it's a girl.
Somehow, she isn't upset. Ok, Dan thinks, maybe I can ask her about the class. Another look at her and he already forgot about what he was going to say. As she brushes past him she gives a shy wink and says, "Sorry about that. My name is Dominique. I'm really in a hurry." Dan follows after her...still trying to remember what he was going to say...

By Techieguy (Techieguy) on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 08:46 am: Edit

Dan still tries to remember what he was trying to say. In his mind he thinks "Wow she's kinda cute". He looks around for other attractive girls, but in vain. There are none.

He catches up with Dominique and...

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 03:45 am: Edit

...exposes himself to her yelling, "Papa needs loving!" She screams and runs away. Dan zips up his pants and slumps his shoulders. "I was never good with girls," he laments.

There is a rustling in the bushes that catches Dan's atttention. Dan approaches the bush cautiously. From behind the bush, Leon smiles and melts into liquid form. Dan looks behind the bush and sees the liquid. "Hey," he shouts to the people passing by, "Free CapriSun!" He jumps in the puddle and splashes around. He doesn't notice the spikes forming...

By Foreignboy (Foreignboy) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 05:35 am: Edit

..until one of them pokes him in the posterior.
"Ouch, what a crazy, illogical day this is!" says Dan. "I wish I had gone to UCLA instead."

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 08:06 pm: Edit

The spike digs further and Dan runs away yelping in pain. He runs in circles and passes out in the center of a gathering croud. Hours later, he wakes up in the ICU. As he lies on his stomach, he hears a snapping noise behind him. He turns his head and sees a nurse stretching her fingers in a rubber glove.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

By Dmcwhiz123 (Dmcwhiz123) on Saturday, September 18, 2004 - 08:26 pm: Edit

the nurse then takes out a huge needle and jabs it into Dan...

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Sunday, September 19, 2004 - 01:24 am: Edit

And then Dan died. And so did Bubba from unknown causes. And Stanfordman had a stroke, went into a coma, and died 3 weeks later. Cindy couldn't handle it, so she took her own life.

And the 4 spent the rest of their lives happily singing by a campfire as ghosts. And then George Lucas went back and changed Darth Vader's face to Hayden Christensen's.

By Lilpopers (Lilpopers) on Monday, September 20, 2004 - 08:06 pm: Edit

Woah, they sure went through a lot in there first few days at Berkeley, but at least they didn't have to read Post Modernism is a Neocolonizing Global Force by Jameson.

By Dmcwhiz123 (Dmcwhiz123) on Monday, September 20, 2004 - 08:37 pm: Edit

lol lilpopers, shouldnt you be reading?