Please read my essay!





Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

Discus: What Are My Chances?: August 2004 Archive: Please read my essay!
By Dannyo1987 (Dannyo1987) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 09:55 pm: Edit

I really appreciate anyone who is willing to read my essay. I don't know if I sound to sarcastic in it.


Fear, it hides within us all as we mull about in our daily activities. Some fear heights, some fear ghosts, and some fear spiders, but all fear the unknown. Nearly all people fear death. Why? Because no one exists that can relay the story of death; death is unknown. What is more unknown than space? We know nearly nothing about space, especially aliens. Do aliens even exist?

I, like many others, fear the unknown and thus fear deep in the back of my mind that aliens may one day come and destroy the earth and make us their human slaves. It is for this reason that I chose not to believe in the existence of aliens as a younger child. I couldnít rationalize to myself fearing something that was not even proven to exist. So I closed my mind and managed to focus all of my thought not about a universe that spans trillions upon trillions of miles, or even the earth that measures a mere 24,000 miles, but in a house that was about 50 ft. wide. I managed to have superhuman ignorance and like many adults, believed only in what I saw. I obviously refused to even consider the unknown, so the thought of aliens never really passed my mind for several years.

When I entered 8th grade, my class had a huge unit on space. The thought of alien life began to creep into my thoughts again. Two conflicting factors began to form in my mind. On one hand, the odds of a planet like Earth existing are extremely slim. There are thousands of factors working against the existence of human beings. For example, if ice grew up instead of down, ice would just continue to build up until the planet froze over. So with thousands of factors working against our existence, aliens must not exist. But on the other hand, I also learned in that class that there our millions of stars in our galaxy. Well, not all of them have planets, so aliens still probably donít exist. But wait, I also learned that there are also millions upon millions of galaxies! Ok, maybe aliens do exist. But wait, itís even possible that there could be millions of universes! Aliens must exist.

So the odds of finding a planet like Earth are like finding a needle in a haystack. Humans can be thankful that we are somehow lucky enough to live on that needle, but I now realize that the odds that aliens donít exist are like trying to find a computer running on Linux at Microsoft, itís nearly impossible.

By Qwert271 (Qwert271) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 10:16 pm: Edit

Am I missing some sarcasm, other than in the last sentence?

By Ratix (Ratix) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 10:16 pm: Edit

Hehehe. I thought it was a cute little essay.
These are my "constructive" criticisms:

1.The first pharagraph needs to revised, especially the part where you suddenly change from death to space. It dazed me a bit trying to figure out if you were going to talk about death or space.

2.Pharagraph 2 somehow suggests that you are an atheist. I don't know, but that was my impression.

3.The essay becomes a bit colloquial for my taste at the end of pharagraph 3. But still cute.

4.The microsoft joke might work, but i personally don't like it.

5. My last and most important criticism. I might be slow, but I can't figure out just what you were trying to say because the first and last pharagraph has no connection whatsoever. It's good to restate your thesis again at the end.

General impressions: I don't think it sounds too sarcastic, it's just a bit immature and falls on humor. It is good trying to be personal and stuff, but keep it professional and keep it clear.

By Ratix (Ratix) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 10:17 pm: Edit

yeah... couldn't catch any sarcasm either.

Edit: Or maybe this whole essay is suppose to be sarcastic? That's not good. LOL

By Dannyo1987 (Dannyo1987) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 10:21 pm: Edit

hmmmmmm.....thanks for your help. Yeah, I thought about most of the stuff you wrote Ratix...but since it was the first college essay that I have ever written I wanted some 2nd opinions. I guess the sarcasm is more like raving...to me it sounds like i am almost starting to get mad when I talk about the universe and house.

By Dannyo1987 (Dannyo1987) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 10:37 pm: Edit

lol...if anyone wants to read it again, I made some changes. I don't really think I sound like an atheist though.

The universe expands at a seemingly continuous rate. Will it stop expanding or keep going forever? I donít know. Scientists have seen the boundaries of our universe. Does another universe exist? I donít know. There are many things I donít know, and I especially know very little about space, especially the thought of alien life. Do aliens even exist?

I, like many others, fear the unknown and thus fear deep in the back of my mind that aliens may one day come and destroy the earth and make us their human slaves. It is for this reason that I chose not to believe in the existence of aliens as a younger child. I couldnít rationalize to myself fearing something that was not even proven to exist. So I closed my mind and managed to focus all of my thought not about a universe that spans trillions upon trillions of miles, or even the earth that measures a mere 24,000 miles, but in a house that was about 50 ft. wide. I managed to have superhuman ignorance and like many people, believing only in what I saw. I obviously refused to even consider the unknown, so the thought of aliens never really passed my mind for several years.

When I entered 8th grade, my class had a huge unit on space. The thought of alien life began to creep into my thoughts again. Two conflicting factors began to form in my mind. On one hand, the odds of a planet like Earth existing are extremely slim. There are thousands of factors working against the existence of human beings. For example, if ice grew up instead of down, ice would just continue to build up until the planet froze over. So with thousands of factors working against our existence, aliens must not exist. But on the other hand, I also learned in that class that there our millions of stars in our galaxy. Well, not all of them have planets, so I still felt a possibility that aliens donít exist. But, I also learned that there are also millions upon millions of galaxies. I then started to realize that there was a pretty slim chance that aliens donít exist. Yet again, it is possible that there could be millions of universes. When I reached these conclusions, I knew that it was nearly impossible for aliens not to exist.

So the odds of finding a planet like Earth are like finding a needle in a haystack. Humans can be thankful that we are somehow lucky enough to live on that needle, but I now realize that the odds that aliens donít exist are like finding a needle in the Atlantic Ocean. Thus, I have come to the conclusion that aliens do in fact exist.

By Apply85 (Apply85) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 11:03 pm: Edit

I would nix the "or even the earth that measures a mere 24,000 miles." It's wordy and unnecessary.


"Two conflicting factors began to form in my mind." You never said what these "factors" are (and if you did, it's unclear). BTW- I don't know if you want to use the word "factors."

"I also learned in class that there ARE" (you wrote 'our' -- just letting you know if you haven't noticed)


I don't like the needle thing. First of all, "needle in a haystack" is very cliche, and you're going to want to stay away from that in a college essay. I think it's a nice idea to continue the needle metaphor ("lucky enough to live on that needle"), but it's ambiguous what the needle is. We don't live on 'a planet like Earth,' we live on 'Earth.' (Just technical stuff)And I don't know about the second part of the sentence with the Atlantic Ocean... you already said that, no need to say it again. And don't end with "Thus, I have come to the conclusion..." It's not a Lab Report. The motto of a college essay is Show, Don't Tell. Don't tell the reader what he can conclude on his own.


Where are you sending this essay? It's good that you've started writing a "down-draft" -- you shouldn't be concerned at the criticism you get for this, because you're just getting your thoughts down. But yeah, if you tell us where you're applying, we could try to better help you with revision and such.

--Just my two cents-- :)
Matt

By Dannyo1987 (Dannyo1987) on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 11:13 pm: Edit

ha...i always accidentally put in our instead of are. Lol, I don't know why... I even tend to miss it during proofreading(obviously).

This essay is for an honors program at UT-Austin. It's about rationalizing something that you once believed in but now do not.

And I don't necessarily think that using something cliche is bad, it had to become cliche somehow. Thanks for all your help!

By Apply85 (Apply85) on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 04:17 pm: Edit

Well, it depends. You're right-- cliches are good if you want to use something everyone already knows and can relate to. But in an essay using it the way you did to make a conclusion, I'd definitely steer clear.

Is this an essay you wrote while in the program, or for admission? The same would probably apply, but if it was for admission, I'd say definitely no for the cliche.

Cliche = unoriginal = why you, and not contestant #2?


But then again, it's your work. Do what you think is best.


--Just my two cents-- :)
Matt


Report an offensive message on this page    E-mail this page to a friend
Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.

Administrator's Control Panel -- Board Moderators Only
Administer Page