|By readmydamnstory on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 07:56 pm: Edit|
please rate this short story 1 to 10, 10 being the best 1 beign the worst, thank you.
You Are Not Invincible
The night’s wind screams and howls. Pssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Woooooooooooo!!!!! Whooooooooweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! The sound could pierce any man deep to the bone marrow. The sky rumbles as darker clouds cover the already dark night.
The lone man seeks cover under a lone tree where emptiness seems to stretch forever in all directions. The man crawls on the dry dusty ground and grabbed a tree’s mighty roots for dear life.
The ghostly wind screams to the man…as if demanding something. "Leave me alone!!!" the man yells at the darkness. "Stop calling my name!!" the man screams at the blood-lust wind.
The sky is laminated by a monstrous lighting in response to the man’s demands. The creaking sound when lighting hits the tree makes the man jump up only to be blown down again by the fierce wind.
Soon he realizes the tree is burning. The owner of the roots that he is holding onto for his dear life… the great tree….his only hope….his only protection. He crawls like a dog away from the falling tree only to find himself in complete darkness and emptiness….not even a tree.
He curls up and holds his legs close to his chest. His body is his only hope for his damned soul. Completely broken down mentally and physically, he weeps like a boy. He begs for a quick death but deaths would not come. He begs to live but life already abandoned him.
By and by the man wakes up in his beautiful garden for it was only a nightmare. The garden is filled with beautiful lotus and butterflies. This is only one of many spots that he brought with his inherited money. This is also his favorite spot to sleep off the expensive brandy that he consumes. But somehow, the garden does not seem as beautiful as before. The beauty sickens him like poison to his eyes.
Was that dream a message or a warning………
|By meryl on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 07:59 pm: Edit|
|By dxiw on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 08:08 pm: Edit|
|By 234 on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 08:11 pm: Edit|
7, sweet not bad not bad. We were given 15 mintues to write a story based on a picture in class.
|By ZIGZOG on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 08:15 pm: Edit|
Grammar: fair (get rid of the elipses)
Analogies, similies and such: completely out of place
quality of writing overall: slightly subpar, mostly because things seem out of context
find a more interesting subject or make this more interesting somehow. and please get rid of that bone marrow crap.
|By ZIGZOG on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 08:16 pm: Edit|
For a 15 minute assignment, you get a 7.
I couldn't even write that much in 15 minutes.
|By j on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 08:16 pm: Edit|
I like the onomatopoeia...
|By meryl on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 08:18 pm: Edit|
ZIGZOG, do you live in NY?? Do i know you?
|By Potter on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 09:26 pm: Edit|
for fifteen minutes, the short story is good. If this was a final draft then it has tons of grammar mistakes (tenses, etc), vocab issues, and extremely wierd usage of words like that "bone marrow". Makes you sound like an idiot. But, again for fifteen minutes, great job!
Report an offensive message on this page E-mail this page to a friend
|Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.|
|Administrator's Control Panel -- Board Moderators Only|