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My mother says that our move to Maryland was “drastic.” I totally agree with her. Here I was this slightly chubby, baggy-blue jeans wearing, amateur skateboarding, nappy haired, twelve year old black girl without a care in the world when suddenly the Oriental rug that represents my perfect life is pulled from under me. I was living in the “City of Angels,” “Land of the Beautiful,” the place where oranges and granola are sold in abundance, Los Angeles, California. Everything was perfect, especially at school. I was second chair cello out of twelve, the second “Queen Bee” in the cool 7th grade clique, and the cutest boy at school was beginning to like me. I had the perfect life; one could easily envy me.

The “Maryland” thing started when the “whole” family came over to our house for my Auntie Nne-Nne’s wedding. My Uncle George from Maryland brought three of his kids with him, and my Auntie Uchenna from Florida brought three of her kids as well. It was a blast having them over. I remember meeting my aunt’s oldest son Kenny for the first time. My mom and I were outside to greet them, I quickly ran up to Kenny and said,

“Gee, look at all the freckles ya’ got on your face!”

He frowned at me and stormed into the house. It was the first time I ever saw freckles on a black boy’s face. I never thought black people could get freckles. To make up, I took him to A.M.-N-P.M. for a double cheeseburger and large chocolate milkshake and gave him my yearbook to look at all the pretty girls at my school. My plan worked to perfection. One day, I walked into the guest room. My uncle George was talking to my Mom about taking a job at one of his medical clinics. He looked at me and asked if I wouldn’t mind moving to Maryland. I laughed. I thought the whole thing was a sick joke. Little did I know that I would be leaving sunny California three weeks from then.

I heard weird things about Maryland, especially about of its suburban neighborhoods. I heard that the nearest beach, Ocean City, was three hours away. I also heard there were no great burger joints like Carl’s Jr. or In-N-Out around, and the people all have funky southern accents. I thought I would die of sheer boredom. To ease the pain, my sisters and I told our friends that we were moving to Washington, DC. It sounded a lot more glamorous than Germantown, MD. Everybody we knew was fascinated with DC. It was known as the “East Coast L.A.” My mother called this move a “new beginning” for us.

I mean, we seriously needed a new beginning in our lives. My dad abandoned us several years before. One day, I knocked on Dad’s bedroom door as usual to say “Good Morning,” give him a kiss on the cheek, and get my allowance, but the door was locked. I thought nothing of it, and went to school. That was on a Friday, March 17, his birthday. I didn’t know he was planning to leave us. I thought he just wanted some privacy. I respected that. He was my father, but he decided that he didn’t want any of us in his life anymore. I haven’t seen or spoken to my father in about seven years. I don’t know his phone number, address, or if he’s okay. All I know is that he’s alive, not trying find out about his children.

To make some type of income, my mother decided to open up a restaurant in town. She would leave the house at five in the morning and wouldn’t come back until midnight. My siblings and I suddenly grew up. We had to clean the house, cook dinner, do the laundry, keep our rooms clean, and make sure our grades were on point as well. It was very hard for us and her. The restaurant was doing okay, but we weren’t out of the red. Money was still very tight. She closed down the restaurant, deciding that we, her children, were more important than burdening herself with a mediocre business. She decided there was only one logical thing to do, move to Maryland and work with my uncle or else…

I didn’t want to move. I didn’t care if I had to do chores or clean my room once in awhile. I just wanted to be with my friends and “could-have-been” boyfriend. But I sucked it up. I decided to make extra sugary lemonade out of lemons. We sold our house more quickly than expected. I knew we would be gone in a few short weeks. My friends threw me a huge party at school, but I couldn’t go because my transfer papers were filled out and processed. I cried for hours. I cried for the beaches I was leaving, I cried for Carl’s Jr., I cried for my friends, I cried for myself.

Germantown, MD, is a white, middle class town with about 200,000 residents. It’s not a bad area to live in, but we could have moved to a more “happenin’” place. We’ve lived here for five years now. I attended Rocky Hill Middle School for seventh and eighth grade, then moved on to “good, ole’” Damascus High School, where I attend now. Both schools weren’t nearly as diverse as my old school in California. Damascus is currently 15% minority and 85% white. Rocky Hill wasn’t any better. I have always been exposed to a diverse community when I was living in California. I had rich friends and poor friends. I had Jewish and Protestant friends. My best friends were Hispanic and Filipino. It didn’t matter to me, as long as they were good people. I decided not to sulk in bitterness because Damascus is not a diverse school. I decided I could save Damascus!

I became actively involved in many school activities such as D.O.C.C’s (Development Of Careers and Characters), International Club, and the S.H.O.U.T. (Students Helping Out to Unite Togetherness) committee. These clubs are multicultural and are used as minority support groups at DHS. I’m also a member of the Principal’s Student Advisory. The Advisory works with the principal, trying to think of different types of activities to improve race relations. I knew if I didn’t try to do anything to improve Damascus, I would be very unhappy and high school wouldn’t be fun. Because of my various leadership positions, I was selected to attend the National Conference for Community and Justice annual Youth Building Bridges Institute last year. I learned more about stereotypes and prejudice and how they affect our society. I learned about treating others with respect and dignity, no matter the color of their skin, sexual preference, or religious beliefs. I even wrote a poem about the experience I had at camp. It was published in their monthly newsletter. I am now a Y.B.B.I. delegate and a Student Representative for the Youth Building Bridges Advisory Committee.

I was also selected to attend the National Student Leadership Conference’s Mastering Leadership program this fall. I never met such a wonderful group of kids in my life. We created a bond so strong, deep and pure that it could never be broken by anyone. I became a more effective leader, a better public speaker, and now I’m able to step out of the “box” when thinking of ideas. Plus, I made twenty-five, funny, spunky, kind-hearted, brilliant, insane, and unique best friends in six days. I plan to attend the more prestigious National Youth Leaders Conference this spring. I can hardly wait!

I guess moving to Maryland wasn’t such a bad idea after all. I have accomplished so much while living here. I am not the “Queen Bee,” at school, nor do I have a boyfriend right now, but I’ve grown into a deeper, more resilient human being who may have the ability to save the planet one day. All I need is a degree from an awesome four-year institution of higher learning to guide me before doing so.

By asdfasd on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 06:58 pm: Edit

Your essay sucks big black...HORSE..cocks......the only plus is that it mentions you're black.

By realist on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 06:59 pm: Edit

that sounds really insincere and sarcastic... admissions officers will know that you're jut pulling all the strings of the college admissions process.. they want to learn about you, not your resume.. it was good up until you rattled off all your achievements and the last paragraph is weak.

"save the planet one day" even though you're being sarcastic, it's still iffy.

"awesome four-year institution" that's a weak reason for wanting to go to college.

By realist on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 07:00 pm: Edit

but you're still probably going to get in, so it doesn't really matter.

By nyugrl07 on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 07:03 pm: Edit

thank you realist, what was your essay about, hon?

By LMAO on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 07:04 pm: Edit

NYU can kiss my ass...that school is so easy to get into...it's my backup school

By realist on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 07:10 pm: Edit

i mean compared to most essays, it is really good, but i was just being harsh on it, k? my essay was about a book i published.

By nyugrl07 on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 07:11 pm: Edit

are u being sincere or not?

By realist on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 07:15 pm: Edit

i'm being sincere, i was just being rough on the weak parts... for the most part it's really good, but there are some iffy areas.

By Ashley Smith on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 07:16 pm: Edit

Well I would have to agree with realist ~ I thought it was really good until you started rattling off all your accomplishments... then I stopped reading. You set up this nice story at the begining about your family and why you had to move, finish with that. If you are going to say how it changed your life and the difference you made, focus on one thing and dont list 20. Otherwise very good! I am being pretty harsh too- just suggestions though.

By nyugrl07 on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 07:19 pm: Edit

thanks all, but i send it in already...

By suggestions on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 07:29 pm: Edit

your essay is great, well written and well organized.. but i would get rid of the last three paragraphs (because your achievement is all shown on your application) and add something about how the moving has shaped you as a person...

one more suggestion: never post something like your essay on such a public board.

By nyugrl07 on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 07:31 pm: Edit

OH YEAH... OOPS MY BAD...

By plagiarism sucks on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 10:37 pm: Edit

I'm sure parts of your essay have "worked" their way elsewhere.

By hi on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 11:12 pm: Edit

"one could easily envy me."

Awful.

I will add more when i find more errors. also, your crap about LA was stupid. Granola in abundance, wtf??

By nyugrl07 on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 11:13 pm: Edit

drink hateroade hi, i know you love it...

By irishgirl415 on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 11:19 pm: Edit

rambling.. self- absorbed... I cannot believe any teacher reviewing that would have let you send that diatribe to a college admissions team. I'd be fired for allowing the school name to be associated with your piece

By hi on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 11:23 pm: Edit

shh, im not trying to be mean.

it's a good essay, except you lack modesty. it's ok to list the things you have accomplished, but stuff like what i mentioned above and "All I need is a degree from an awesome four-year institution of higher learning to guide me before doing so" is really bad. you are 17. you should be prepared to learn and grow more, but you're making it seem like that's just icing on the cake.

By Hopeful (Hopeful) on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 11:47 pm: Edit

WOW, i dont know where to start. as others have said the only good thing about ur essay is that it mentions that u r black. the rest is TERRIBLE. i'm not saying this to mean. The language is that of a rough draft for a language arts class, totally unsofisticated "i thought the whole thing was a sick joke". u sound like u r having a convo with ur friends. thats one example of casual language out of very many in this essay. Also, you should not stress ur accomplishments. let them speak for themselves. this essay is to show ur ability to express ur ideas and come across as an educated and refined person (not tell them one more time what u have done)....i'm sorry to say that u come nowhere. sorry.

By www on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 11:52 pm: Edit

hopeful they WANT casual language.

and it's unsophisticated. DOn't lie..you are one of those AA ppl who just hate black ppl for applying at all. Ass.

By nyugrl07 on Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 11:57 pm: Edit

i love u, www

By Hopeful (Hopeful) on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:08 am: Edit

c, nyugrl07, ur style of writing is very down to earth, i personally like ur style. i kinda agree w/ u www, they do want casual language but only to an extent. they dont want huge words and crap that make the author seem arrogant. but i dont think they want a conversational style essay. its just like for a college inerveiw. would u talk with the interveiwer as u do normally? no. so then y would u write for the colleges the way u normally do?

As to the AA comment: Yes it does make me a little upset that somebody with lower stats will get into a better school than me. however, i realize that they have most likely expereinced much more adversity than i have, and i highly respect them for their ability to overcome it. As for this particular person, i'm not even applying to NYU, which i tihnk is an awesome school and all the more power to u nyugrl07 if u can get in, so i have no reason to hate nyugrl07 for applying because i will not be competing with her for admission. However, i wouldnt hate her even if i was applying, im not bitter like that.

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:19 am: Edit

i just wanted to be different not pretentious like a lot of kids who write on the post...

By Pat57575 (Pat57575) on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:29 am: Edit

nyu, you seem to think that anyone who criticizes your essay must be racist. Perhaps your essay just isn't perfect. (not bad though)

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:32 am: Edit

i'm not trying to be racist, it's not my fault aa can help me...

By u go gurl on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:37 am: Edit

the essay is fine. a bit long..definitely doesn't make you sound arrogant.
"one could easily envy me"= does not sound like your serious. I read it as a playful tone. You are showing what a high pt you were at. i liked it.

By Pat57575 (Pat57575) on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:38 am: Edit

I didn't say anything about aa. But somehow you seemed to conclude that hi was drinking "hateroade" after he pointed out some faults that didn't concern race. You also approved of www's message, even though hopeful made no mention of race/aa in his/her critique.

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:38 am: Edit

thanks go gurl, you kick ass...

By you go on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:44 am: Edit

haha PAT, you've got to get with the lingo.
Being a "hater" means who are criticizing ppl w/o a legit reason (usually envy).
Not racially hating..haha PAT. Dont worry you're awesome at math. We're not all perfect

By Socrates on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:50 am: Edit

PAT:
you also approved of www's message, even though hopeful made no mention of race/aa

HOPEFUL:
WOW, i dont know where to start. as others have said the only good thing about ur essay is that it mentions that u r black. the rest is TERRIBLE.

How could EVERYTHING be terrible. Nothing is that bad. hopeful made a pt to say that w/o race, nyugurl would be no where (it's "inferred")

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:50 am: Edit

thanks you go, these nerds think they know everything...

By you go on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:52 am: Edit

Pat is nice..dont make fun of her either. Lets be nice

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:53 am: Edit

whatever...

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:54 am: Edit

i really meant that nicely, for real.

By Socrates on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:55 am: Edit

You leavin me hangin nygurl07??
everybody who has defended you has gotten some praise.
C'mon

By you go on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:56 am: Edit

dude, it was more an attack against PAT than a defense for nyugrl

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:57 am: Edit

socrates, you're awesome, man. but i'm tried fighting with a bunch of snobs... i know i'm a good writer...

By Socrates on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:58 am: Edit

And what are you, Pat's lawyer. Let her defend herself. FINE, i guess i dont need praise that badly. I just need to appease my ego sometimes.
i never get a "you kick ass"

By Socrates on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 12:59 am: Edit

THANKS NY. You really are tho

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:01 am: Edit

you do kick ass socrates, sorry... i didn't mean to bruise your ego... night kids, i'm going to bed...

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:03 am: Edit

i hope you got my message, what college are u applying to... nyu, i hope...

By Socrates on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:06 am: Edit

NYU..maybe..im just a jr..not sure yet..nite

By Pat57575 (Pat57575) on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:13 am: Edit

lol, yep, I guess I failed to see that part of the message socrates. **hits self on head** I was always under the impression that a hater was someone that hated someone else b/c of belonging to a particular race or group (which really isn't a legitimate reason).

nyu, now you seem to think I'm a nerd and a snob. Quick to judge, aren't we?

you go, thanks for the compliments

By you go on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:18 am: Edit

you're welcome PAT.

I just wish there were more humble and down to earth ppl on this board.
I mean, you state your opinions and swallow your pride when necessary ("**hits self on head**").

Now if only i had your math ability...

By hi on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:23 am: Edit

this is the most arrogant essay i have read. it has good parts, but they are counteracted by the arrogance.

any white person who wrote "my position could easily be envied" would immediately be rejected (not to make this a race issue or anything ;) ). it sure doesn't sound sarcastic. your last paragraph is also very arrogant. it's okay to be ambitious, but you go beyond.

By Pat57575 (Pat57575) on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:27 am: Edit

I'm glad to see that someone here appreciates those qualities. You seem to be very open yourself.

Just curious, what convinced you I had math ability?

By 660M on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:32 am: Edit

you're a regular poster here..and i guess i can reveal my alter ego...660M.
im the guy who kept posting random problems b4 and u helped..wasnt it you who has like an 800M or something like that?

Either way im still grateful...

By Pat57575 (Pat57575) on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:37 am: Edit

The truth is unveiled! lol, I was just pat57575.

You're still welcome...

By Lets hear some swearing!!1you $%@#% on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:42 am: Edit

OK PPL, enough with all the compliments!!
THIS IS COLLEGE CONFIDENTIAL!!! WE PICK ON PPL HERE!!

mystery math guy and Pat
Socrates and nygrl
........get a room.

By M660 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:47 am: Edit

haha..i almost forgot.

No more mr nice guy, deal.

You're a prick, Lets hear some swearing,
one who #!@#$%%^$s all day.

happy?

By Ekr NYU on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 09:41 am: Edit

NYUGRL07, its too bad you sent in your essay already, it needs a lot of polishing up. I felt as though you were trying to cram too much info into a 5-6page essay. Your essay has no focus. Are you trying to convery your experience moving from one place to another? If so, than you should give less backround info, stuff about your dad, stuff about the cousin and freckles, and concentrate more on how the transition affected you as a person.
Oh, and I agree with what others wrote, you should rattle of your accomplishments. That is evident from the application. The essay is about you.
I am currently a soph. at NYU and I remember that my essay was quite personal. Since NYU does not have personal interviews, the essay is the only way you can show the comittee who you are.

By Mr Sincerity on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 09:47 am: Edit

The only reason why I'm weeping over your essay is because it needs a lot of work

By Fender1 (Fender1) on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 10:07 am: Edit

I thought it was below average, and your attitude to the comments that you elicted from posting it on a public board was terrible. Honestly, I am going to college to get away from as many people like you as possible. If you cannot take critizism, I have low expectations for your survival in college.

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:10 pm: Edit

how the hell do i sound arrogant? i was telling a story. all of my teachers loved the essay. i made sure everything fit. i worked very hard on my essay!

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 01:12 pm: Edit

my teachers LOVED it so it must be good. i'll let ya'll know if i get into nyu... (i don't mean this arrogantly.)

By nyugrl 07 is an idiot. on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 03:45 pm: Edit

"socrates, you're awesome, man. but i'm tried fighting with a bunch of snobs... i know i'm a good writer... "

You "know you are a good writer"? Wow, you have become one of those pretentious snobs you had once despised.

Your essay sucks. Creating the image of yourself as being (or having been) a ghetto dressed, skateboarder wannabe black girl isn't going to work to your advantage. In fact, the admissions officers are probably going to conjure up an image of one of those dirty freaks that they think are trying to rob them. Thousands of people get rejected for no reason, don't be surprised if you are one of them.

By BRAD on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 03:50 pm: Edit

LOL. Good point. She claims not to be arrogant, but in her few posts alone she has acted more snobbish than so many others on their forum. Hell, just look at the title of this thread. "My NYU essay...read and weep!!!"

By muah on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 04:40 pm: Edit

NYU Girl,
Well first of all there's no point commenting on your essay since you already send it in...but if your sending similar one's to other places, here is my suggestion. I think you should focus on one aspect of your essay...you go from moving to frekcles to your dad leaving. Focus on one of those(prbly not the freckles) I really like the imagery and down to earth voice you have. However, BY PUTTING YOUR ESSAY ON THIS BOARD IT IS EVIDENT THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR CRITIQUES...ALL LOT OF PEOPLE HERE HAVE BEEN GIVING YOU GOOD SUGGESTIONS AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN VERY APPRECIATIVE. If you want help, then you need to take the good and the bad, and just say THANK YOU TO EVERYONE...THIS WILL TAKE YOU FAR IN COLLEGE!

By Burberry (Burberry) on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 04:41 pm: Edit

what a loser

By wahahah on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 04:45 pm: Edit

who's a loser

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 04:47 pm: Edit

sorry guys, i mean it this time...

By booooring on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 06:38 pm: Edit

This essay is way too long. I couldn't get though it and I read some pretty damn boring stuff. It doesn't really matter what you say in your essay if you can't present it in an interesting way. Oh, and yes, you did come off as extremely pretentious.

By nyugrl07 on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 06:40 pm: Edit

i did, what's the biggest word that i used booooooring...

By booooring on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 07:06 pm: Edit

Generally, when you ask a question, you should place a question mark afterwards. Just a helpful reminder, but I guess you won't need to know fundamental English when Armageddon comes and you save the planet.
Honestly, your essay does not suck, I can tell you spent some time on it, but it's just not written well. I expected something more impressive to be posted...I mean, I certainly wasn't brought to tears. Only an arrogant person would be so proud of such an essay. Well, arrogant or ignorant. Take your pick.

By logansmith on Monday, January 13, 2003 - 07:23 pm: Edit

ok, I applied to NYU ED this year and got in...I've been investigating NYU for a while and have gotten the feel, I think, about generally what they are looking for. They're looking for real, honest, people, that know how to organize their thoughts in a structres way, be creative, etc, have good sylte, writing. this essay is WAY TOO LONG. I like the details you give in your essay, but its way to "like, uh huh, omg, yeah, so, well, anyways,". Its not clear, precise, theres no focus, it goes on tangents. For the future, if you get in, well great, but if you don't, work on condensing, focusing, grammar, less conversational.

By david035 on Saturday, January 18, 2003 - 03:16 am: Edit

the way i remember it, the NYU app specifically states they want the essay between 200-500 words...i went a little over, but you give new meaning to the word overkill. and admin-officers (esp. at NYU) like their standards to be met. thats the whole reason they create them.

my personal opinion...i hated you after the first paragraph. not only is all of that stuff incredibly useless to an admin officer (wow, second coolest in 7th grade? holy ••••!!!). it seems to me you fell in the trap of writing about trite, "high school" stuff...boyfriends, cliques, blah blah blah who really cares blah blah blah. the words have no substance or feeling. when you write stuff like "i mean" at the beginning of a sentence...that bites. im sorry to hear that your dad left you, but honestly i wouldnt try and use that as a ticket to college. best of luck. dont take these criticisms personally, i dont even know you, just trying to lend some insight. take it or leave it.

By Optimystic (Optimystic) on Sunday, April 06, 2003 - 05:24 pm: Edit

I can't believe how mean and cruel some of the comments are. My comment to you would be to "be yourself" and speak from your heart. I think that it would be great to display who you are, what you are and where you want to go. You did just that. State what you have to say succinctly. This will display that you are intelligent as well. Without meaning to be critical, your paper probably won't set you apart from what main stream white America already thinks about most African Americans. I know many caucasians believe that most African Americians come from the same sterotypical "broken family". I just happen to be African American and from Arkansas and my daughter scored a perfect 800 on the writing section of her SAT's. She is an absolutely fantastic writer and helps her "white friends" with their papers all the time. She attends an all-girls catholic school that's why. When I read one of her college essays, it did not talk about her hurdles, it talked about her passion for music and her favorite author and her voracious appetite for reading. It spoke about what motivates her. etc., etc., She used powerful and expressive words that had the capacity to move people and to show the reader what inspires her and why, etc., etc. I can totally relate to your paper as I too come from a disadvantaged background but by the grace of Almighty God, fortunately, this family is not a broken family and my daughter just happens to be black, upper middle class, academically and musically gifted (classical piano since age 4), but she spoke of what moves her being and inspires her, and not her background. She was just being herself. I don't make a habit of giving advice, but since you asked, I pray that you take what you can use of this advice and use it and what you find not helpful or useful, simply toss it away. May God Bless You in your endeavors and don't give up!