|By Isaman (Isaman) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 09:26 pm: Edit|
Thanks for clicking "here." Now that you are here, I would like to ask you to read two short essays for USC
1) Focus on one activity or accomplishment that is most important to you and discuss what you have learned from this experience.
As the world slept, a younger version of me would wake up in the early morning and head towards the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink. Without much thought, I would grab anything in my reach—pots, pans, spoons, forks, sponges—and create my own orchestra that caused an ear splitting sound so unbearable that it made the annoying alarm clock sound euphonious. My inclination towards playing with pots and pans served as the springboard for my quest to study a musical instrument—the classical guitar. It’s not every kid who chooses to express himself through rosewood and six nylon strings, but I happen to be one of those kids. Studying the classical guitar has taught me, along with music theory and technique, determination. Although my family and friends perceived my practicing of major and minor scales as “ruckus,” I never let their criticism discourage me from indulging my love for music. As time passed, my determination to “master” the classical guitar transformed repetitive scales into the compositions of Isaac Albeniz and Francisco Tárrega. Although I am not a virtuoso through five years of playing the classical guitar, my level of success has made me realize that “falling doesn’t make you a failure, but staying down does.” Granted, I “fell down” many times while exploring the world of music, but I never let myself become a failure by “staying down”—a lesson that determination has taught me.
2) let me find it :S
|By Isaman (Isaman) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 09:31 pm: Edit|
bump please? this is very important to me :-S
|By Wrinklefiber (Wrinklefiber) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 09:32 pm: Edit|
I'll tell you what I think if you rate mine. Look for "Picking Columbia essay! Assistance requested!"
|By Mjl86 (Mjl86) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 09:35 pm: Edit|
The paragraph is great, but playing 5 years of guitar isn't a long time. I've been playin the piano for 11 years...
Also you repeat the word determination too often, it seems as if you are telling instead of showing.
Also you should close the statement with something from the beginning about the forks or something, to remind the reader of your evolution.
|By Isaman (Isaman) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 09:41 pm: Edit|
thanks a lot man. anyone else? please give me ur input. bump por favor.
|By Collegehelp1234 (Collegehelp1234) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 09:45 pm: Edit|
fine I'm here.
I think your essay is great. Other than the liberal use of quotation marks, your voice comes through unadulterated by the act of writing. Your essay/paragraph shows an interesting character highlighted by a level of persistance and overal uniqueness. good job.
|By Isaman (Isaman) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 09:57 pm: Edit|
i hope you were being sincere. thanks again. bump?? deadline approaching
|By Wrinklefiber (Wrinklefiber) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 10:03 pm: Edit|
Try "a cacophony so unbearable an alarm clock seemed polite [euphonic's okay too] in comparison."
In the rosewood sentence, don't use "kid" twice.
I see a few typos.
And the word "perceive," wherever it was, doesn't work.
Overall, a solid piece. Tighten up the language, and smooth out your tone with words that fit your sentences (sounds a bit like you used a thesaurus right now, although that's minor). THanks for looking at mine. Good luck!
|By Isaman (Isaman) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 10:40 pm: Edit|
thank you, anybody else?
|By Isaman (Isaman) on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 08:05 am: Edit|
OK, be honest all you smart people. Does it really suck that bad? Somebody told me on this board that it's "hamfisted" and to "please die." I wasn't aware that my writting was that bad...
|By Isaman (Isaman) on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 02:36 pm: Edit|
bump por favor?
|By Isaman (Isaman) on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 06:27 pm: Edit|
bumpity bump bump
|By Wrinklefiber (Wrinklefiber) on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 06:52 pm: Edit|
No, certainly not. I've seen much worse writing.
It's okay/good now, but has the potential for greatness or near-greatness (good enough certainly) if you can tighten it up a little bit, as I've said, and improve the flow (especially with diction)
It sounds to me like you're trying to create some imagery, but you're using more formal terms in addition to your illustrative terms, which muddles your intention. Go either for the formal terms or the sweeping imagery (in my personal opinion, making a winner with the "bigger" words is more difficult and, if unsuccessful, makes a paper that's not just forgettable, but annoying and unwieldy. So, if you're uncertain that you can make that work, drop the formal language and go for the imagery. If the paper's successful either way, it's successful).
So, if you clear up that little conflict and do the other stuff, you should have a fine paper.
And don't bother with dying (although it would help my USC chances...).
And I'd like to think I'm smart, although some don't think so...(Will I get in? You [sic] thoughts for an odd case)
|By Isaman (Isaman) on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 09:50 pm: Edit|
thank you man, and please read my other essay if u have a cahnge under the forum 'college admission' under the post 'two short essays. plz critique.' you'l; have to scroll down to read the second because u have already read the first one. thank you.
bump, anybody else?
|By Shahab (Shahab) on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 06:00 am: Edit|
hey i don't think you explained the "falling down but getting back up part in depth enough... i know you talked about your parents not liking it but that doesnt seem to me an obstacle at all.. i would talk about obstacles you met while studying the guitar.. .maybe a song that gave you problems? maybe an instructor who didn't believe in you? i hope his helps.
|By Kazaraxa (Kazaraxa) on Monday, January 12, 2004 - 05:58 am: Edit|
Also, one should only use quotation marks in writing if they are using someone elses words, and telling who's word they are using. So you're quotations around Master don't make sense, and you should cite what you're talking about in the falling down part.
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