Comment on this Essay please...

Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

Discus: What Are My Chances?: January 2004 Archive: Comment on this Essay please...
By Joeybg (Joeybg) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 02:39 pm: Edit

Ok its not perfect but still what do u think any comments will be appreciated...

“So, that’s the end…it’s realy over…” I could still hear the words of my father echoing in my mind, as I was overhearing his conversation with the attorney through the cold aluminum door of my room.

Was it really that bad? For a couple of days I was sensing tha change in the atmosphere at home – less talk ;more awkward silence.Still,I never had the courage to ask my parents what was going on.I knew it was something with my father’s business but just thought ”Well,they are probably going through some hard time”.Alas,it was far more crutial.

Cigaret smoke was everywhere in the sitting room that afternoon.Like an fiberless semidiaphanous cloak ,its nuances had spreaded even in the smallest niche of the room.Still, in the twilight ,I could easily define the shadows of three silhouettes - those of my parents and their attorney.Faceless and motionless,they all seemed the same to me .Gray as this picture was ,light became an unwelcomed guest in the living room that afternoon.Shielded behind the shutters ,the winter sun could barely peep through the small holes between the different segments of the blinds.

“Go to your room Daniel”, commanded my mother with a rather mild tone, as if she was advising and not ordering me.I knew it was not time for protesting, so I withdrew.What she did not know, or at least I thought so then, was that I considered my room the perfect place for “accidental” overhearing of what was going on in the living room.I placed my ear very low on the white aluminum door of my room, so I could still be close enough to the gap between the floor and the door.The cool metal made me even more anxious.I felt my pulls sky-rocketing.More adrenaline entered my blood sream.Breathing became harder.All of a sudden ,the words started resonancing in my head and breaking the fetters of my obliviousness.My heart was beating faster and faster ,as I was reaching out for the nearby chair for support.I stood up.Now I knew.My father had been deceived by his working partners and devoid of full ownership of his business.I was devastated that day.I felt really sorry for my parents but also angery at those hypocrites who had commited such a heinous act.Would my father be okay?Haw was he going to take it?This work was his whole life.

The next day my parents officially broke the news to me.Secretly, I have always suspected that they knew that I knew, after all no house is big enough to hide a secret from a prying fourteen-year-old kid.

It took us more than a year to overcome the shock of having to start everything from the very beginning.It was hard for us all, but I will never forget that noone but my father bore the brunt of hard work.However, I observed with admiration a side of his character I thought he had lost beyond retrieve – passion for his work.This event drastically changed my perceptions. I have come to know , that it is with passion and strong sense of self that I should be going thought life…remembering that nothing is constant and all I possess today could be abruptly taken away from me tomorrow.

OK,does "...resonancing in my head AND breaking the fetters of my obliviousness..." sound good.If i drop out the AND and put a comma instead ,will it be right grammatically...and as a whole do u understand what it's all about:)

By Tellmewhy (Tellmewhy) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 02:56 pm: Edit

Do spell check a few times.
semidiaphanous...what the hell

Personal statements are supposed to reveal traits about yourself, this essay doesn't really do that. It's the story of your father, not you.

By Joeybg (Joeybg) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 03:15 pm: Edit

Tellmewhy u are right about semidiaphanous...tho it's not wrong it's quite pompous and I'm seriously considering changing it with something more humane...but why do u think it's the story of my father that I am telling?Actually I am describing a significant moment of my life, it just happens to be a important part of my dad as well?Thank u anyway ...if more ppl think it's too not personal than I might drop that essay out...

By Joeybg (Joeybg) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 04:07 pm: Edit


By Joeybg (Joeybg) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 04:35 pm: Edit


By Joeybg (Joeybg) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 05:37 pm: Edit


By Joeybg (Joeybg) on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 07:23 am: Edit

nothing to see here...IT'S CLOSED NOW...

By Wo4567 (Wo4567) on Sunday, January 04, 2004 - 06:29 pm: Edit

semidiaphonous is a bit much. obvious consultation of a thesaurus. write as if you were speaking to your peers. the alliteration with nuances and niche is nice but trite. same with hypocrites and heinous. after that it sounds terrific. i like the bio-mechanisms part. nice job.

By Nycdebater (Nycdebater) on Sunday, January 18, 2004 - 12:52 am: Edit

good fig lang...and nothin wrong wit using hypocrites..etc...i mean semiW/e yeh thats too much but heinous and hypocrite is a common word....nothing big about that....keep it.....just do spelling check...u really have too

goood essay though...the beginning of the second paragraph kinda turned me off for the moment

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Sunday, January 18, 2004 - 02:18 am: Edit

you have more spelling and grammar mistakes than almost any essay I have ever seen in my life. For a while I thought u were going to say at the end that u were dyslexic. Also, it doesnt' say much about you.

Report an offensive message on this page    E-mail this page to a friend
Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.

Administrator's Control Panel -- Board Moderators Only
Administer Page