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This is my other Yale essay. I put a lot more work into it than the running one, but overall I don't think it's as good. It's also 650 words, whereas the guidelines said about 500. It fits on two pages double spaced, though, and reads relatively quickly. Offer any commentary.

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For the Glory?
“Are we adopting seeds?” Brother John asked. “Make the call.” Kevin looked over to me; we both understood the situation. I surveyed the hotel conference room, stalling. Brother John wanted an answer, but it was the one answer I did not know if I could give. It was so strange… How could it be happening again?
At the beginning of sophomore year, my coach, Brother John, invited me to the Yale University Debate Tournament. I was stunned. Yale was a tournament that attracted only the best competitors in the Northeast! Embarrassment seemed inevitable. A polite refusal might have been appropriate, but I joined the debate team because it promised competition. I wanted victory, and I needed glory. Brother John was offering a chance, however slight, at winning that one, big tournament, so I had to accept. I promised myself that he would not regret his risk.
Upperclassmen were willing to share their knowledge. I became good friends with Jesse and Kevin, juniors who would also be competing. We spent long hours after school writing, revising, listening to and critiquing cases. The work, while difficult, paled in comparison to the practice rounds. I had to speak against my more experienced teammates, a most humbling experience. Kevin could tear my carefully constructed argumentation to shreds in three lousy minutes of cross-examination. Sometimes I just felt like giving up.
Finally, the day arrived, and we boarded the bus to New Haven. Just hours later, I was debating my first round. Hours of torturous questioning from Jesse and Kevin paid off as I nimbly dodged inquiries and attacks. As preliminary rounds drew to a close, my teammates and I felt confident, but we did not yet know who would “break” into elimination rounds. Loitering in the auditorium, we nervously chatted and waited. Finally, a director walked into the auditorium and taped a list to the wall. We pushed through the throng, trying to catch a glimpse of the list… Jesse, Kevin, and I had all broken!
We then ventured out for food, as excited adolescents tend to do. While we happily dined on fried dumplings and sesame chicken, Brother John walked in and signaled to Kevin and me. With a hand on each of our shoulders, he said quietly, “Chris is in Quarters.” I was in the top eight! I was elated, however I realized everyone seemed to be enjoying the moment but Kevin. Then it hit me: I had “hit” him. In the convoluted conventions of debate tournaments, I, being first seed, would advance over him. Kevin, someone whose training and insight had largely been the cause of my success, had been eliminated on a mere technicality.
A year and a half later, we were in precisely the same spot. We had hit each other at National Championships. Now, however, Kevin was the higher seed, though not first. All Brother John needed to know was whether we would use the original seeding, or whether we would allow debaters the oft-used alternative of adopting the seeds of defeated opponents. If I just were to concede to using original seeds, the round would be Kevin’s, but if we were to adopt seeds… I could be one of the best 8 in the nation! Brother John pressed, “What’s the decision?” I looked at Kevin. I knew he wanted to debate; he just needed the chance and he could win it all. “Original seeds,” I said, “Kevin should go on.”
He went on to take 2nd place on a 4-5 split judge panel in the final round. (I think to this very day that he should have won.) Although I had knocked him out of Yale as a sophomore, I had kept him in Nationals as a junior. I do love to win, but there are circumstances when something is more important. After advancing over Kevin, I had gone on to win Yale. But my greatest debate moment was watching someone who had taught me everything achieve everything he had ever wanted.

By Freudboy (Freudboy) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 02:18 am: Edit

its boring and pretty trite

By Zerostylus (Zerostylus) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 02:27 am: Edit

its very boring and rather trite

everyone else applying to yale will be writing this or better. distinguish!

By Kektek (Kektek) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 02:31 am: Edit

Haha too late now. Good to get honest opinions though, other readers were more positive (aka trying to make me feel better). My other essay (posted elsewhere) is more creative, so I guess I have to put my hopes into that one. Thanks again : )

By Kektek (Kektek) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 09:21 pm: Edit

Any other opinions? Is this going to kill me?

By Sac (Sac) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 09:41 pm: Edit

I like it. Not many people get a chance to make the kind of generous gesture that you did. If the purpose of an admissions essay is to make a reader say, "hey, I'd like to have this student around here for four years," I'd say it succeeded very well.

By Kektek (Kektek) on Tuesday, December 16, 2003 - 02:13 am: Edit

Deferred Yale EA