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Tell us about a person who has affected your life in a significant way.

My father is simultaneously the source of my greatest success and greatest failure. Growing up in Communist China, my father had to drop out of school and start work at age 11 to support his family because he was the eldest male and his father was paralyzed from polio. With what little money earned, he bought toys for his brothers and sister. Fortunately, his sacrifices were put to use; each of his siblings now live comfortable lives. On the unfortunate side, only his sister appreciates his sacrifice; his brothers show virtually no appreciation. I once asked him if he thought he made a mistake, if he had the chance, would he do anything differently. He simply said, “I did what I did, and I would do it again. There’s nothing like helping people, especially your family.” Consequently, he did not receive an appropriate education. He realizes how hard life is without an education and pushes me to study. As I look back, I would not be where I am today without him. It was his constant bickering that drove me to earn high grades and awards. Also, his advice was the driving factor behind my decision to become a volunteer at NYU Downtown Hospital.

However, when he sees me watching television or doing something lacrosse-related, he has a tendency to scold me. He follows strict Chinese punishment when parental commands are disobeyed. Sometimes he would push me too much, and I was unable to handle everything. It was a full-time job to please him and me. Hence, my grade dip in my sophomore year. Arguments broke out everyday because I began to question his obsession with grades so I abandoned my pursuit of them. In place, I followed a path of learning; it seemed pointless for me receive high grades and awards if I wasn’t learning anything. Even today, he still quarrels with me on his belief that colleges only see numbers and that’s what they accept.

Though we have our differences, I still hold a great deal of respect for my father. His sacrifice is the major influence behind all of my volunteer projects. He constantly told me to work hard, study, and earn high grades. However, his obsession allowed me to take a new perspective to work hard, study, and, above all, learn; grades can come later. There is still ambivalence between us because he wants to live vicariously through me. Ironically enough, he is the one person who unconsciously gave me an opportunity to become my own person. If I am able to free myself from his opinions, I am free to do pursue my own dreams rather than someone else's.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 06:15 pm: Edit

bump

By Voigtrob (Voigtrob) on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 06:35 pm: Edit

Tsk tsk.
1. Grammatical problems.
"I once asked him if he thought he made a mistake, if he had the chance, would he do anything differently." That sentence, for example.

2. "It was his constant bickering that drove me to earn high grades and awards." Uh, whatever happened to academic curiosity?

3. The whole middle paragraph seems very very fake. (In fact, almost the whole thing does)

4. "However, his obsession allowed me to take a new perspective to work hard, study, and, above all, learn; grades can come later." Uh, didn't you just say that his obsession involved you not worrying about learning? I can definitely see what you're trying to say but compared to what you've just said it doesn't come through at all.

5. "If I am able to free myself from his opinions, I am free to do pursue my own dreams rather than someone else's." This, again, doesn't make sense compared to the rest of the essay.

It comes down to the fact that you're not getting your point across well at all, at least in my opinion. I don't mean to be harsh... wait, yes I do. ;P
You've got a lot of stuff to fix - either find a new topic or think of EXACTLY what you're trying to tell them about YOU in this essay, and rewrite it with that purpose in mind. I know its harsh, but I'm just trying to help. :-)

By Dohinc (Dohinc) on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 06:37 pm: Edit

blah blah blah, everyone has an excuse, drop this lame one.

By The_Slc_Bug (The_Slc_Bug) on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 06:49 pm: Edit

Aren't Princeton's essays supposed to be short, around 250 words? This seems very long.

That's most likely because it isn't very concise. If you want to use this, you need to trim it down. Don't spend too long harping on your reasons for "grade dip." Spend only one or two sentences. You want to show them your father, you, and how he's affected you in a small space. You can't use too many different anecdotes or repeat things. Make these points flow together, and don't exaggerate or dwell on any of them. Be careful, almost meticulous.

1. My father did not receive a good education due to his responsibilities for his siblings.

2. Consequently, he pushes me to strive for education.

3. We disagree, in some ways, on what education really IS. However, without him, I would not be where I am today.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 07:13 pm: Edit

Voigtrob- must've been a long day, huh? 'cause from your suggestions, it seems like you didn't read it at all. he bickered me to get good grades; he was not interested in me learning anything. i could've cheated and he wouldn't've cared. so that's what happened to academic curiosity. that should also answer point 4. point 5: how has he influenced me? i am my own person because of him. he pushed to me to X and earn Y, but i didn't want any of that, so i did what i wanted. point 3: how is it fake? i'd really like to know that. are you me? so how do you know this isn't true?
dohinc: just be quiet. how is it an excuse?
the_slc_bug: i'll look into that format.

By Sunshine916 (Sunshine916) on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 07:25 pm: Edit

whoa shorter shorter. they want SHORT answers. i know this for a fact. i had to cut my essays a lot-it forces you to be concise.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 07:32 pm: Edit

ok. time for a revamp.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 07:57 pm: Edit

sunshine- did you write this for princeton? if you did, can i see a copy so i have a guideline of what to do?

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 09:33 pm: Edit

ok, here's #4. i'll do #1 later. just tell me if this seems too much as an excuse (though it's not meant as that).

Describe the accomplishment that has given you the greatest satisfaction to this point in your life.

For the first 15 years of my life, I equated education into grades. Breadth of knowledge was more important than depth of knowledge; I was never satisfied with my grades because I always expected perfection, if there is such a thing. Then, I asked myself: What am I doing wrong? I came to realize the truth: I was a slave to grades. I could not stand the idea of being bound by a world of rules and numbers. How can something as inanimate as numbers control me? My greatest accomplishment was when I made the decision to break away from my pursuit of grades and embrace a pursuit of learning. Have I learned enough? No, but perhaps that’s what drives me to learn more. A friend of mine, who is actually a student at Princeton, said this of his high school: “In the classrooms, we have learned value of hard work, determination, and commitment to excellence. We have pushed ourselves, striving each day to learn and accomplish more. The greatest thing that we have learned in the classroom was the pleasure of finding things out, the joy of learning.”

By Steffie1212002 (Steffie1212002) on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 11:14 pm: Edit

For all your essays, you need better beginnings (in journalism it's called a lead...in english, maybe it's an opening?). Anyways, they need to grab your attention. Your leads are soporific: "For the first 15 years of my life, I equated education into grades", and "My father is simultaneously the source of my greatest success and greatest failure," don't do that. Don't give the adcoms a chance to get bored w/ your essays. Good luck.

By Flameball63 (Flameball63) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 12:03 am: Edit

Gosh...the biggest problem with this is it's too cliche.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 12:10 am: Edit

flameball: can you back that up? it's not that i don't believe you, it's that i want to see why.

By Mzhang23 (Mzhang23) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 01:25 am: Edit

The essay length is fine.
I submitted all 600+ word essays, and they really don't care until you go over 800.

Personally, I believe it's hard to convey anything beautiful and meaningful in 250 words. Even 400 words is cutting it short.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 02:43 am: Edit

how about this? (same question as #4):

In the 8th grade, after watching the oh-so-wonderful and much-too-graphic “American Pie,” I was somehow led on, even inspired, to play lacrosse. It was originally planned to be an after-school activity but, it eventually evolved into an activity that opened many opportunities for me. In September, I submitted an article on predictions for the 2004 NCAA season, whereby I was selected to write for an online lacrosse magazine called LaxNation.com. In October, I was assigned to cover the First Annual Algonquin Cup Tournament. Two weeks later, I became Vice President. The climb up the “corporate” ladder was unreal. Slowly, but surely, I conducted interviews with professional and collegiate players, and received free equipment from companies to review. Even now, as I browse the Internet and talk to my editor, I realize how highly coveted this position is. The job permits me to walk freely on the sidelines with the players and walk into locker rooms to talk to the players. Every time I show a press pass, I feel somehow empowered, thinking to myself, “How many people want this job? How many people get to do this?” It’s always interesting to read people’s faces from the sidelines; they always have that look, which says, “Who is that? What is he doing there?” I cannot help but be overwhelmed by nostalgia when I think of the transition from watching the game in the stands to watching the game on the sidelines. I am more than happy to say that by joining this magazine staff, I have expanded upon lacrosse more so than most, although being an All-American is certainly something that I highly covet.

By Akikaze (Akikaze) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 03:12 am: Edit

All of these do seem quite cliché. In reading through them, I question whether or not your heart is in the right place, so to speak. In the last response, there are at least fifteen unnecessary commas. I also do not believe that you have responded to the prompt in a persuasive manner. Is this achievement only meaningful to you because it is such a desirable position? Because you like the way people's faces look when they see you down on the sidelines? It feels quite glib and shallow.

Successful applicants will write about things that have appealed to their soul and inspired them. What has this inspired you to do in life? Is it something you want to follow through with in the future?

I'm not trying to make personal attacks but I do believe that these are questions that the adcom will ask when reading through your responses. Know your audience when writing.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 07:06 am: Edit

ok, good point. i'll take that into account. maybe you can tell me what they want to hear here:
1. Tell us about a person who has affected your life in a significant way.
2. If you were given a year to spend in any way you wish, what would you do?
3. Since we are interested in who you are as well as what you can do, please briefly tell us about yourself. Please feel free to describe an experience to help you clarify your point.
4. Describe the accomplishment that has given you the greatest satisfaction to this point in your life.

By Unmatchedsocks (Unmatchedsocks) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 12:06 pm: Edit

Dude, I really hate it. You sound like a kid that will in no way get into Princeton. Rewrite that garbage. Get a totally new topic.

By Sooky6 (Sooky6) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 12:47 pm: Edit

I'm backing up Akikaze here; you're coming across to me as shallow and arrogant in that response. Being covetous, or having something that others may covet, is not particularly admirable. It is certainly not something you want to emphasize when asked to describe an accomplishment you are most proud of (or a similar question). They are less interested in the position/accomplishment/award itself than in what it represents about you, your experiences, your work ethic, your interests, your relationships, etc etc. Feeling like others are jealous of your power or influence is not a good reason to feel proud of something, especially from an adcom standpoint.

"My climb up the "corporate" ladder was unreal."
This is an example of language that sounds exaggerated, vague, and arrogant. It was not a climb up the "corporate" ladder--so what was it? (more like a steady increase in responsibility?)And was it "unreal"? What does that mean? It felt unbelievable? You couldn't believe it was happening? Why not?

It was an honor; we understand that. That, in and of itself, is not of paramount interest here.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 06:26 pm: Edit

hence, that's why i think my second one was better. "For the first 15 years of my life, I equated education into grades..."

or, can i say watching "the matrix" was an accomplishment?

By Akikaze (Akikaze) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 06:48 pm: Edit

Warriorlax22,

I really can't tell you what the admissions officers want to hear. Remember, you are writing a "personal statement." That means that it should represent you and you alone.

Earlier in this thread, Vogitrob told you that he felt that your writing was cliché and fake. Your response was,
"how is it fake? i'd really like to know that. are you me? so how do you know this isn't true?"

You're right. He doesn't know that this isn't true. However, the fact that he does not know you and has this impression solely based on your personal statement should be quite worrisome. This is precisely how the adcom at Princeton will perceive you.

When reading through your personal statements, the admissions officers should be able to understand what it is that makes you an individual. They should be able to feel the texture of your words. Nobody else knows the details of your unique and beautiful life. You need to decide what message it is that you want to convey to the University and then work in that direction. When you have something that you feel is beautiful and captures your essence, come back and ask for help again.

By Subparasian (Subparasian) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 07:05 pm: Edit

To get into college, you have to stand out. This is no different when writing an essay. Many people are average, but it's those who make something out of their mediocrity that get accepted. How about putting the reader in Communist China and telling it like a story? How about relating your pursuit for grades with pigeons in the park? BE CREATIVE!

By Subparasian (Subparasian) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 07:05 pm: Edit

To get into college, you have to stand out. This is no different when writing an essay. Many people are average, but it's those who make something out of their mediocrity that get accepted. How about putting the reader in Communist China and telling it like a story? How about relating your pursuit for grades with pigeons in the park? BE CREATIVE!

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 09:18 pm: Edit

unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, i haven't been to china so i would not be able to describe it. but i think i know what you're talking about. hopefully, this won't be cliche again. otherwise, i have some more rewrites.

By The_Slc_Bug (The_Slc_Bug) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 09:41 pm: Edit

You don't even have to get all metaphorical as Subparasian suggests, as that is very hard for some people to do. Just be PASSIONATE. Have fun writing the essay, rather than treat it as a formal, stressful bore. Craft it as if it were an art. You also REALLY shouldn't talk about American Pie in a personal statement. I'm sure 75%+ of the adcoms haven't even seen the movie, and the ones who did wouldn't be impressed with you using it in the essay.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 09:53 pm: Edit

yeah, i'm scrapping the essay anyway. i'm thinking of writing something about skipping a year of math, and still sticking with it. i think that's good. or writing about the first girl i ever asked out, but it's kinda cheesy.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 10:37 pm: Edit

am i getting on the right track? i think this shows the adcoms that i like a challenge and
don't mind failing as long as i tried.

This year, I made school history: I was the first student to ever skip AB Calculus. Now, I simultaneously write this essay and attempt to finish my BC Calculus homework. Not exactly easy. I clearly remember course selection time last year and my pre-calculus teacher approved my entrance into BC. I showed my friend and he just laughed and said, “Wow, are you serious? I can’t believe he signed off on that. It’s going to be so hard for you, especially since no one has ever done this before.” Sure enough, BC Calculus was no joke. I knew going in that it would be a class that would substantially bring down my average. I knew going in that I was making my schedule harder than the average senior. I disregarded all this and continued on. I know what it feels like to have the high grades, but for once, I would like to be presented with something I cannot do. It is a lack of something that drives us as humans. We have a goal, a purpose. It is that purpose that guides us, that drives us, that binds us. Would we be satisfied if we had everything? No, of course not. We could not live like that; we could not progress like that. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” It is my lack of knowledge of BC Calculus that satisfies me because it imposes a challenge upon me. The more challenges imposed, the smarter, the stronger, the better I become.

By Aznchuckbrown (Aznchuckbrown) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 12:39 am: Edit

I think you should seriously emphasize yourself more. I see some illustrations about yourself, but that just isn't enough to impress Princeton. I mean, for some non-ivy, maybe they'll accept your essay, but this essay just isn't impressive enough. I'm not being condescending to you or your essay as I am also applying to schools this year and I know the frustration of having to write out refined and impressive essays in only a handful of words. I would suggest that maybe you focus the essay even more, polish it until it is needle thin and razor sharp. Don't be so general, we are talking about personal statement, don't talk about societal values, talk about yourself. What makes you stand out? The Calculus class, so talk about yourself and the moral conflict, the peer pressure, and so forth, not the universal morals.

I think asking your father about his morals and his life and getting a deeper understanding would produce a more effective essay.

One last thing, try not to quote your thoughts or the thoughts of others too much, you want a concise but passionate essay. As they say, a picture's worth a thousand words, make your essay a picture, not an epic.

By Sooky6 (Sooky6) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 12:01 pm: Edit

You're still telling, now showing. Aznchuckbrown has it right; a picture's worth a thousand words. Its more difficult to TAKE US THERE--the place where you are frustrated--not just say, It was difficult...It was challenging...I took a risk...You have to step out of that first person and show us a scene that illustrates what you are trying to say. There are a few books out that catalog winning essays, which may give you some examples of different voices and approaches. The above paragraph lists some facts, and then a few generalities about what drives us as humans. It doesn't tell me *anything* about your experience in Calculus, except that it was hard. We know that: a) you are the first one to skip AB. b) Your friend was very impressed. c) despite the fact that it might impact your GPA, you took the class anyway. d) you respond well to challenge.<---but how do we *know* that? You have told us, but you haven't demonstrated it with any anecdotal evidence. These facts are listed in a very flat, one-dimensional way that will put adcoms to sleep. You have to bring us there, paint the picture--don't just tell us the bare facts.

You "knew going in that it would substantially bring down your average"--this doesn't exactly inspire confidence--nor does it make you some kind of martyr. And why are you writing your essay and doing your homework at the same time? What is this supposed to say about you?

Here:
"It is a lack of something that drives us as humans. We have a goal, a purpose. It is that purpose that guides us, that drives us, that binds us. Would we be satisfied if we had everything? No, of course not. We could not live like that; we could not progress like that."

This part is just awful. It is horribly written and tells us nothing about you. It could be summed up in one short vague sentence: People are motivated by the desire for *something*. But for what? What motivates *you* specifically? Every elite college applicant could say the same.

You are clearly having a hard time here finding a way to differentiate yourself, which is not uncommon at all! But you need to read some examples of excellent essays, and really think about what makes them so effective. It isn't that the applicant depicts his or herself as the most accomplished, most driven, or most brilliant (which doesn't make you stand out particularly at Princeton). They give us an image that sticks in our heads and tells us what kind of person they are, and why they would be a great addition to the community. You might think of it this way--if I read this paragraph, not knowing anything about you, how would I describe you? You're going to have to go beyond "a motivated student" or "enjoys a challenge" to stand out in this league. If I were reading it, I'd think you were a bright, competitive student that is used to high achievement, lacks creativity, writes poorly and is a tad arrogant.

You are probably tired of hearing the "show, don't tell" comment, but from what I see you aren't thinking about what that really means. When you do, you'll come up with something that makes an impact.

By The_Slc_Bug (The_Slc_Bug) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 01:57 pm: Edit

Exactly. You need an anecdote; a case in point; a story to illustrate. You need evidence for everything you write. That's what makes a strong essay. Think of it this way: if you were writing a research essay, wouldn't you need to use quotes and examples from sources?

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 08:46 pm: Edit

ok, i mean, bring you to a moment...i guess most of my "achievements" have been academic-related. how do i bring the creativity aspect in there? i can't think of any real achievements that were really creative. is it like bringing the extraordinary out of the ordinary, or something like that?

By Offbeat_Ophelia (Offbeat_Ophelia) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 09:23 pm: Edit

I'll be interested to know if you get in.

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 09:52 pm: Edit

same here.

By Chillinnigerian (Chillinnigerian) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 09:56 pm: Edit

l


I also must concur

By Chillinnigerian (Chillinnigerian) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 09:56 pm: Edit

l


I also must concur

By Warriorlax22 (Warriorlax22) on Tuesday, December 09, 2003 - 10:10 pm: Edit

i think this shows a little more...:

It is a little after 1:05 P.M. and we had just eaten lunch. I go to my locker and pack up my books. As I walk to class, I see my IB friends in the hallway, complaining about the amount of work they had. It is the second week of September. I walk into the classroom and sit in the last seat in the middle row. I watch all of the other students file into the room. The teacher starts the lesson by handing out a copy of the Mayflower Compact and explaining its significance on American history. I slouch in my seat and groan. I look outside the window and wonder, “What happened? How did it come to this?” I realize there is something wrong. The bell rings and I proceed to my last class. It’s the same procedure as history. It’s an endless boring cycle. No, more than just boring, it is downright depressing. I cannot stand it anymore. I go to the main office after school and say to the secretary, “I want to change my schedule.” She hands me a green sheet, which asks for what classes I want changed. I list all of them. Another week passes: same classes, same boring cycle. I am sent a note to see the Assistant Principal. It’s about my courses. I go to the main office and there are five other students in line. He finally calls my name like a dentist calls his patients. I step into his office. He is reluctant to do it. He says, “You didn’t fill out course selections last year. This is the best we can give you, and you should be happy with it.” A mixture of disappointment and anger fills my soul. I say, “No! This isn’t the best you can give me. This is a high school and your job is to allow me to challenge myself. What kind of school limits a student’s attempt to do as well as he can?” He seems taken aback by my exclamation. Did I speak too soon? Too strongly? Surprisingly, he takes another look at my schedule and we come to an agreement. He will allow two IB classes. He sets his stipulation: “But if you do not receive above an 80 on the first trimester report card, you’re out.” I am more than happy to accept his offer.
Oddly enough, it is a little after 1:05 P.M. again. I walk into my first IB class: Physics. I hand the teacher a notice of my transfer. He says to me, “Welcome to IB Physics.” He says it in a tone as if it’s a world from another dimension. I look toward the class and they look toward me. The reaction is inexplicable. They all speak at once. Some congratulate me, some smile, others are just speechless. It feels like a movie about a high school reunion. Also, surprised by the reaction, my new teacher asks, “Do you know these guys? Are they your friends?” I simply answer, “Yes.” I walk to my seat: middle row, last seat. I take out my notebook and begin to write notes.
This was my greatest accomplishment. I was given something that I vehemently opposed. Rather than accept it, I absolutely rejected it. I no longer believed that authority was infallible. I finally took control of my life.

By Aznchuckbrown (Aznchuckbrown) on Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 12:19 am: Edit

Isn't that well over the word limit?

But other than that, yes, this is far more illustrative than the previous. I don't know if this could be your ticket to Princeton, but it does have a better chance than your previous essays.

By Offbeat_Ophelia (Offbeat_Ophelia) on Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 12:28 pm: Edit

EVERYONE talks about the classes they took in school on their essays. writing about that sort of thing will not be to your advantage.

By Sooky6 (Sooky6) on Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 02:02 pm: Edit

Count the number of sentences that begin with "I", and try to cut it in half, then cut it in half again.

This is not an interesting topic, but if its the best you can come up with, then work on improving the writing. Read it aloud to yourself. It sounds repetitive. Have you been reading any essay examples?

By Harvestmouse (Harvestmouse) on Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 03:05 pm: Edit

Interesting. I'm in IB, and all my IB classmates went to BC Calc without taking AB Calc, so I never really considered IB or BC calculus to be feasible topics.
By the way, these sentences are a little too simple, and unconnected:
" It is the second week of September. I walk into the classroom and sit in the last seat in the middle row. I watch all of the other students file into the room. The teacher starts the lesson by handing out a copy of the Mayflower Compact and explaining its significance on American history. "
You can make it flow more. You haven't even allowed yourself a comma! Don't let this part of your essay seem like a laundry list of events; the beginning of your essay is most important.

By Torshmarsia (Torshmarsia) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 02:47 pm: Edit

im applying to princeton too... good luck. ughh january 2nd is frighteningly close!