Hi can someone read/edit my essay??





Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

Discus: What Are My Chances?: November 2003 Archive: Hi can someone read/edit my essay??
By Mrgiggles (Mrgiggles) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 07:22 pm: Edit

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
To aid the admissions committee in finding out more about you, please share your thoughts currently influencing your interests in medicine.

As part of life, you must face obstacles before goals. Small or big, they are there. Most of the effort put through to help one achieve their goals is made by the individual themselves; however, assistance from others usually brings out a more worthy attempt. Throughout my life, there has been no one that has affected me more positively than my baby sister, Steffanie.

Born on January 9, 2001, my sister was not only a surprise but also a blessing to my life. Already being a big brother to another sister, I assured myself that it’s just like learning to ride a bike and that I just need a little practice. Fortunately, I had relatives in Queens that had toddlers at the time. Almost every Sunday after church, I took care of a few of them for about an hour or two with a cousin of mine who is only one year younger than me. This training only fortified my confidence in being a good brother and helped my cousin have a girlfriend after mentioning our “Sunday Practice.”

Steffanie is one of the most important people in my life for so many reasons. First of all, she puts a smile on my face everyday. Whether it’s a good or bad day, she always brings even the simplest of joys to life. She also brings me back to my fond carefree memories of my youth. For example, once my father bought an anniversary present from Macy’s for my mother, and there was some bubble wrap in it. I watched Steffanie look at it and then start jumping and popping that thing like crazy. Of course, I threw it out afterwards but it was a Kodak moment. Another reason is her innocence, which I like to refer to as a “two-foot tall nemesis” to the trials of life. I also refer to her as the “mini-crazy glue” that keeps my family together. All this and more is just pure evidence to how important she is to me and that if anything should happen to her, it would be heart-stricken. Unfortunately, a couple of times they did.

My sister is probably, if not, one of the toughest little kids I know. Many of the things that happened to her, I question if I could go through them as well. When my sister was about a year old, she had broken her left clavicle (shoulder) bone. She was jumping on our couch and fell off. For about a month, she had been in cast. It was the first time I have met a child with cast that young before. Just this past summer, Steffanie had a seizure. My entire family was home at the time and was scared out of our wits. My mother was crying through most of the ordeal while my other sister was in the corner, not knowing what to do. I called 911 and briefly explained the situation to the woman on the phone. For the first time, in my entire life, I saw my father crying and I was shocked. During the entire episode, I noticed that he trying to perform some sort of CPR but I knew it was wrong. I knew this because I am on the Varsity Swimming Team at my school. Luck would have it that I recalled the CPR instructions on the wall which I memorized during every swim meet. I also noticed that she stopped breathing. Instinctively, I made my father move out of the way and performed what I remembered. Thankfully, I was able to revive my sister even before the ambulance arrived. I believe my sister is probably the luckiest kid I know but I’m definitely the luckiest brother to have her.

The question of how a child, almost fifteen years younger than me, has influenced me is an easy one. For one, Steffanie has given me the chance, by fate, to learn that by saving lives, you are not only able to save that individual but strengthen families. This was proven after she had the seizure. She also taught me that caring for people is not a chore, on the contrary, a way to understand our human selves in a more selfless manner. In a different perspective, the Medical Field is like being a Guardian Angels’ assistant. Even though you may not have magical healing powers, the learned skills come quite close to it. I guess one can say that I want to act as a “soldier against illness.” Being a part of this medical force is not a dream, but as you see, my goal. In my heart, if I can save a mother, father, child, or anyone, their life will not only be better for them but also for those around them. Yes, I do want to help people, I do want to save lives yet, I want to make a difference that will change not just the lives of those I encounter nevertheless to those I don’t.

One of the main things that I will miss after going away to college is not seeing my baby sister grow up. Sure, I’ll see her from time to time but not as much as I would want. I will miss so many “first-time” events in her life; the first day of school, first loose tooth, first time riding a bike, and so much more. Unfortunately, she will not even remember me since she’s so young. I’ll be off at college and just be known to her as, the other older guy in the family besides dad. In another perspective, I suppose this is how my parents will feel when I leave too.

My baby sister, Steffanie, is nothing short of a great influence to my life. She might not be an adult, my best friend, or even my pet but, she’s my sister and I’m her brother. She is the reason for why I want to become a doctor and why I will someday become one. Even though she’s a child, my time with her has proven more valuable an experience than not. Without her, I would not have realized that my true calling in life is exactly what I do and will continue to do, help those around me.

By Smartmika (Smartmika) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 07:28 pm: Edit

lol

By Bruceconti (Bruceconti) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 07:43 pm: Edit

ur shi tting us

By Jenlikewhoa (Jenlikewhoa) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 08:03 pm: Edit

its touching no doubt. ya gotta put things into perspective here though.

you havent really established a voice or anything. if u want the adcoms to be like.... wow what a badass kid, you gotta be able to write about your sister in a way that will make them remember you.

how do u do this? well thats for you to decide.
but dont just write everything for how it is.
aka.. my sister got hurt and i was very sad but i want to save lives now.

maybe you could approach this by simply focusing on the time your sister had her seizure. go into detail about that.

its cool that being a doc is your dream and all.. but its more than likely the dream of everyone else applying to med school, its nothign the adcoms dont already know.

just take out the cheesy,cliche stuff and be blunt and direct about how your sis influenced you.

By Sprite888 (Sprite888) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 09:53 pm: Edit

you got some good stuff to say, no doubt, you saved her life. Thats impressive. Anyways, ya' gotta sell it better. Try starting with some action to make it interesting and it will also be a segway into talking ablout yourself. ie... There is my sister on the floor not breathing and im thinking... then how doid you respond and what did you learn and how is this characteristic of your relationship with your sister. have some fun.

By Alex86 (Alex86) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 10:11 pm: Edit

too cliche.

"As part of life, you must face obstacles before goals. Small or big, they are there. Most of the effort put through to help one achieve their goals is made by the individual themselves; however, assistance from others usually brings out a more worthy attempt. "
how generic can you get?

"helped my cousin have a girlfriend after mentioning our ÒSunday Practice.Ó "
i know you are trying to be amusing....but don't forget you are applying to college.

"I believe my sister is probably the luckiest kid I know"
even if you dont intend to...this sounds self-centered.

overall, the idea is good but the execution is very standard. work on developing a voice, and dont rely so much on cliches.

(sorry i am an editor on my school paper, and consequently, very blunt. )

By Mrgiggles (Mrgiggles) on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 08:15 pm: Edit

dudes and possibly dudettes, thanks...i was hoping for people to be straight up w/ me on this essay, and i was proved right. btw, thanks and i'll work on it some more. TY.

ps
more critiques, comments, and suggestions are more than welcome cuz i'm taking notes like crazy, thanks.

By Voigtrob (Voigtrob) on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 08:19 pm: Edit

I agree with the above comments, it was an extraordinary experience presented in an ordinary way.

Sentence constructions like,
"This was proven after she had the seizure."
Are just really... boring I guess is the word, and indeed pretty useless as well. You need to get someone whose a really good writer you know to look over it with you and think of ways to make each sentence more effective, and eliminate as much unnecessary stuff as possible.

By Varr (Varr) on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 09:37 pm: Edit

AW!!!!!!! how sweet


"She is the reason for why I want to become a doctor and why I will someday become one"
hello id say !
"She is one of the reasons for why I want to become a doctor and why I will someday become one"
since its a lil dum to say your sister is the only reason you want to beocme a doctor!! yopu also need to say that its something you love! and not just because you love your sister!!!
Dont get me wrong it is a nice essay i liked it

By Kone (Kone) on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 09:45 pm: Edit

it's like saying my dog as played a major role in my wanting to be a urologist because i watched him lick himself for 15 years.

anyhow, i actually liked your essay but you gotta focus, focus, focus ... follow everyone's advice and trim the fat from the meat. you want to voice your experience as being impactful and life-altering (as it obviously is), but not cliched. clean up each and every sentence so you're not wasting any time or space.

By Kushm (Kushm) on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 09:55 pm: Edit

three main problems:
1) too cliche, 2) way too long, 3) gets boring b/c of length

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 10:09 am: Edit

You have buried the most important part of the essay: that you saved your baby sister's life, and that experience helped you decide to be a doctor.

I suggest cutting to the chase in the first sentence: Your baby sister is the most impt person in your life because you saved her life, and that helped you decide to be a doctor.

Then go straight to the incident.

The way you have written it now buries the most important points. Grab the adcoms' attention with your first line.


Report an offensive message on this page    E-mail this page to a friend
Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.

Administrator's Control Panel -- Board Moderators Only
Administer Page