Please, please, evaluate my essay





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Discus: What Are My Chances?: November 2003 Archive: Please, please, evaluate my essay
By Jennyzsong (Jennyzsong) on Saturday, November 08, 2003 - 10:56 pm: Edit

This is my long statement for the UC schools, it's not been edited by anyone yet... I just want to know if the main points are the way they are supposed to be?

I'm Canadian and am feeling very alone about all this appliation stuff and no one is telling me what to do, can people please please let me know if I'm on the write track to this essay writing business...


Personal Statement
1. How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college? (600+ words)

There was a stranger in our home. My parents received her in the dining room as I peered through the glass of the kitchen door, and she smiled at me as though we shared some silent secret. I remember her still, her pressed jacket and skirt, although the lines forming her face have faded, featureless in my memory. Even then, at seven years, her coming seemed significant somehow, marked the beginning of something I was yet to know. Papers were signed and slid into careful folders. Afterward I wondered what had passed, and my parents said, we set up an education fund for you. There was a sparkle in their eyes, but I didn't know what it meant.

Later I would understand this began my thousand-mile ascent toward university.

It was in the next year that I became determined to take the boardwide ‘gifted test’, an IQ test of sorts. My mother agreed; after all, it was she who stressed so frequently the importance of grades and achievements and finally college, which to me seemed too far away to matter. I was in grade three, and only two students at my school passed the test that year, to be deemed ‘gifted’ for the rest of their grade school careers. I was one of them.

My passing resulted in a multitude of opportunities that were not offered to other students. Three times a week I trekked down to the second hall where I studied advanced novels, composed short stories, and designed puppets or rollercoasters or gumball machines. No marks, said the teachers, would be allotted for these projects. They were for the broadening of our minds alone.

At age twelve I entered a French Immersion middle school. My previous French teacher had recommended me, feeling that I needed the challenge of instruction in a new (my third) language to sustain my interest. My gifted study continued there with still more vigour, the call of college dull but ever imminent. I followed a weeklong enriched course at a local university on media studies; I participated in a team engineering design challenge in downtown Ottawa; I registered for math contests held by the University of Waterloo. Meanwhile, I was attending Saturday school to preserve my native tongue and being instructed privately in drawing and painting.

I was not yet fourteen, but some instinct in me needed to find every promise of enlightenment there existed and to excel at it.

My parents were repeating frequently, college, college, college, but although I understood the sense behind what they said, my young mind knew it was still half my lifetime away.

Of course, before college could ensue, high school needed to transpire. My choice of secondary school was a difficult one, as the choice between friends and knowledge often is. I elected finally to sacrifice those I had befriended for the somewhat threatening halls of Bell High School, whose own laughing students are often heard exclaiming, we are gifted!

By then it was hard to ignore the whisper of college haunting every step through those halls.

There were less than four years left and college was near-tangible. I was aware of this daily, taking the most advanced courses offered by my school and the heaviest workloads I could manage, even when my classmates were dropping courses here and there and opting for lower level courses for the better marks that came with them.

I was actually taking more courses than ever. I had a curiosity for languages, and German seemed likely, being a relative of English, so I took the German classes offered downtown on Saturdays. On weeknights I was studying piano as I had been for 11 years now, in addition to musical history and composition with another teacher. I knew by then that my preparations for college were responsibilities that were my own.

As the third month opens and closes in my final year, I will join the frenzy of freshman applications knowing that I have done all that I can, and hoping that it will be enough. I am ready, and the screaming in my ears tells me I could pluck these notes of my future from the sky with my hands alone.


(700 words, must be cut)

By Virgo007 (Virgo007) on Saturday, November 08, 2003 - 11:28 pm: Edit

"I had a curiosity for languages, and German seemed likely, being a relative of English, so I took the German classes offered downtown on Saturdays. On weeknights I was studying piano as I had been for 11 years now, in addition to musical history and composition with another teacher. I knew by then that my preparations for college were responsibilities that were my own"

This is the only part of your essay where you mention your passion for learning. The rest is just how much your parents pushed you to think about college. Someone might think that your parents forced you to take classes, or that you took your classes because your parents set it in your mind to just go to college, and not pursue your desires. I would try and mention throughout the essay your seriousness to LEARN and not to just take classes.

Take care.

By Dolleykins (Dolleykins) on Saturday, November 08, 2003 - 11:33 pm: Edit

take out the fact that u gave up your frineds to go to a prestigous school, also why are "native classes" and german classes both on saturday, mention what your native language actually is, your last sentence really doesn't make much sence, make getting into college not seem like such a goal, i mean stress it just a bit less

By Jennyzsong (Jennyzsong) on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 12:13 am: Edit

i stopped taking chinese (my native tongue) before I started taking german.

and okay I get what you guys mean. hmmm but the question is how you're preparing for college? i dunno, I have to think a lot more. i just wanted to be truthful in saying that it was my parents who really pushed me at first, but then in the past few years i really realized that it was MY responsibility.

thanks for the input!


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