Constructive Criticism for my COLLEGE ESSAY!

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Discus: What Are My Chances?: September 2003 Archive: Constructive Criticism for my COLLEGE ESSAY!
By Briteeyez4322 (Briteeyez4322) on Saturday, September 20, 2003 - 02:07 am: Edit

Any kind of feedback would be helpful (yes I know I posted on the other board too.. but oh well)... also... should college essays have a title... if so what should I title this?

My hands tremble. The light catches on my eyelids and they flutter closed. Afraid. Voices murmur in the darkness. Waiting. The curtain rises and I am bathed in hot, sticky beams. The golden streaks of anticipation sting at my retinas and parch my lips. I cannot utter a sound. Mute. All around me is the buzzing of the crowd, and my blinded eyes dart back and forth, searching the chasm, struggling to pierce the veil of trepidation. Empty.

Then with unknown strength, my quavering fingertips grip the silver orb before me. The metal feels cold against my palm. A helpless sparrow beats its wings frantically within me: I strain a smile. Then the music starts. The little bird escapes from the prison of my throat and soars free. My eyes close and everything dims. Darkness.

As I open my mouth, the soothing melody of a Hibernian flute weaves in and out of the flowing tapestry of my soul while a faraway drum beats in time with my heart. My eyes snap open. Awake. Suddenly, I am running through the Scottish highlands as the morning heather brushes against my bare legs. In another instant I am embraced by the fresh scent of Transvaal citrus. Now in a flash I am deep in the Hessian Forest, surrounded by trees scraping the sky with their branches. And then I see only the strong white light glaring in my eyes. And I am floating. I am nothing. For I am neither British, nor South African, nor German, nor even American for that matter. And yet I am all of those at the same time. I am the tall grass and the sweet orange. I merge with sea and sky. I am the world and you are mine.

My eyes flicker open again. Only a moment has passed, yet I am no longer afraid. I think of those who came before me: My family, and yours. They are here with me. With them my song will be pure and unfaltering. And so I will sing, but it will be with your voice too. For I am not alone. And so I will sing, and our voice will be radiant.

By Heartfang2 (Heartfang2) on Saturday, September 20, 2003 - 02:30 am: Edit


why do i get the impression that you are trying too hard?

We hate cross-posters. Do everyone else a favor and do NOT ever cross post again.

To everyone else, don't reply to this post.

By Briteeyez4322 (Briteeyez4322) on Saturday, September 20, 2003 - 10:04 am: Edit

heartfang, sorry but this is how i actually write... why do you HATE cross-posters? i don't frequent these boards that often (i have a life) and didn't realize that there is some kind of decorum about what you can post where... my mistake...

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