Is this too wacky?

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Discus: What Are My Chances?: September 2003 Archive: Is this too wacky?
By Colonelkurtz (Colonelkurtz) on Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 10:47 pm: Edit

Is this essay too wacky, I try to express that I am a uniquie individual, but I worry about going to far over the top. It is also about a third draft and another revision or two is planned, to possibly be more about my personal qualities not mentioned and try to incorportate them. Also, is my humor well-taken?

The evening before I was to under-go one adolescent ritual, having four impacted wisdom teeth pulled, I pushed the limits on another teenage rite-of-passage I had just received, that of my driver’s license. My parents and I had entered into a dispute about whether or not I was allowed out with my friends to visit a female friend on the eve of the operation, and I inevitably had lost.
I suppose it was my male-testosterone that pushed me to do it, the stereotypical alpha-male drive to achieve a goal. It may very well have been my competitive nature from within amongst others, pushing myself to do things I never would have believed I would have done otherwise. Perhaps I just had seen too many action movies, always believing I could play the protagonist’s role in real life with superiority to those on the big screen, or maybe I just had too large of an ego to back down once I had been called out. Had I been told that I would carry out my star-crossed scheme a month or a week or even that very day before hand, not until the very moment I stepped out of my house solidifying my decision to carry on with the fateful Mission-Impossible/James Bond type plan would I have remotely believed that I had performed it.
The first of two alarm clocks I had set jolted me out of bed at 3:29 A.M. I raced over to my end table to disable the louder cell phone’s alarm, which had been set at 3:31 AM; in the minute case the first did not wake me. I propped up my comforter underneath with another blanket giving the appearance I was sleeping in tranquility with the covers pulled up hiding my head, for the risk my parents would casually glance into my room (obviously they would not have noticed an empty space directly in front of the house where my car would have been parked, but when one is in an tense situation, one tends to forget about the overall scenario and focus on the tiny details, or at least I do). I then put on black mesh shorts, a non-descript white tee shirt, a favorite faded orange baseball cap, and embarked from my room. After failing to creep and crawl stealthily down the stairs I found unusually creaky for only a nine-year-old house, I opened the front door, inch by inch, (actually well-oiled thanks to my painstaking preparation the night before), and shut it as carefully as possible without locking it (to make re-entry as easy as possible). Subsequently, I took my car key from underneath the front door mat (also pre-meditated) and walked clandestinely down to where my car was parked in the street. After unlocking my car door (locking car doors the ultimate deterrent in security for ever-vigilant suburbanites who live in fear because of the untold car thieves plotting against us, considering someone would actually want my not quite brand new car in the first place), I put my beige ‘94 Saturn in neutral and rolled it down my cul-de-sac and out of sight; in addition to what I hoped to be out of earshot from my parents. They were asleep with the windows fully open gazing out onto the circle lit by what seemed to be a radiant full moon from inside the house. Starting my car up carefully at the end of the street so as not to wake any neighbors up or arise suspicion, I pulled away from my cozy home and into the night. From inside my car however, it seemed infinitely less inviting and dark than the nighttime once well lit by the full moon I had envisioned in my room. Night had most definitely fallen and my journey into it began.
As soon as I had left my neighborhood, I immediately got on my cell phone to make sure the plans were still on, and that everything was under control. Upon receiving the go-ahead, I put the second part of my CIA-type operation into action. Once on the road my so-called “Cinderella License” would not legally allow me to be driving between the hours of 11:00 PM and 5:00 AM. This presented a problem when entering or exiting the turnpike because of the toll-takers recognizing that I was under the legal age to be driving at 3:30 in the morning. I briefly considered using EZ-Pass, which was in my father and mother’s cars. On the bill for it though, it shows through what toll booths one went, and I did not want to arouse my father’s suspicions; thus this was not an option. The wonders of modern technology failing me, I resolved to use the old fashioned “pull hat down low and don’t make eye contact approach” at the exit of the turnpike. I had the exact change ready so as to minimize the contact time with the PennDOT employee, and my plan worked flawlessly here, I do not believe he gave me so much as a second glance. From there, I went directly to the destination, re-established phone contact and I was in business.
My perfectly thought out plan was not so perfect after all, and all my actions eventually came crashing back onto me. Lying in bed and hearing the jarring ring of our phone at 5:45AM, and all the details of my night out and about swept over me and smashed me into a jagged coral reef with the force of a tidal wave. The light crept into my room, and back into my thought process as I recounted all the night’s past events. This is as good a time as any to mention that I have a reputation of clumsiness. As I was running out of the house I crashed into a cabinet, losing my cell phone in the confusion. Without looking back I had sped away from my rendez-vous, filled with fear and anguish of what was to happen to me as I realized my Achilles Heel would unfold to be to leaving the cell phone behind. Taking very few of the well-thought out precautions when I got home I bolted up the stairs, slammed shut the door and jumped into my bed, still miraculously unnoticed. That brings me back up to the phone call. After I admitted to my escapades that night and it was confirmed what I had done that late evening/early morning, I was faced with questions from everyone, all wanting an explanation. The guilt I dealt with may have very well been the worst part. I had lost all my parents trust after that momentous call as well as my whole persona in their eyes. By that point, I think I was the first person in the history of the world for whom surgery and teeth pulling could not start fast enough and last as long as possible; it would be the most peaceful few hours of the following week for me and about the most fun I would be having for a few months after my escapades.

As for the reader, I was never in any trouble at all with the police or the law in the case that that was a concern. I also have apologized to all parties involved in my evening excursion.

By Colonelkurtz (Colonelkurtz) on Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 10:58 pm: Edit

Oh yeah, my stats r:
690 V
770 Math

760 Math 2
710 US Hist
640 Writing

Vars Soccer
Vars Indoor Track
Vars Lax Capt
+ other community service and lots of ecs

I am considering applying to Penn, Uva, or Wesleyan Early

By Colonelkurtz (Colonelkurtz) on Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 11:00 pm: Edit

and GPA 4.3 weighted but 9APs, 10honors

By Sac (Sac) on Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 11:21 pm: Edit

The last paragraph backtracks in a confusing way, so that I'm not clear how you got caught.

But a larger question than that: what will an adcom get out of this that would make them want you to join their college community for four years? What I get from this is you break rules, lose your parents' trust, are sneaky and would do anything your testosterone inspires you to do. Obviously from your stats you've got a lot going for you. Why use your essay to show them only negatives?

Granted, I'm an adult. But so are the admission's reps who will read this.

By Supernova (Supernova) on Wednesday, September 17, 2003 - 06:20 pm: Edit

i dont like this sentence--- then put on black mesh shorts, a non-descript white tee shirt, a favorite faded orange baseball cap,

and i was also confused about the cell phone part...

umm idk how the adcoms will take it... i liked it...the drama and suspense were well done, i was taken in by your story

By Nealp (Nealp) on Wednesday, September 17, 2003 - 07:25 pm: Edit

trash it! you snuck out. okay...

By Cmaher (Cmaher) on Wednesday, September 17, 2003 - 07:28 pm: Edit

You really need to rewrite this.. many sentences arent any good

By Thegreatice (Thegreatice) on Wednesday, September 17, 2003 - 08:58 pm: Edit

Dude... back to the drawing... rather, writing... board... this really really needs some work... stop talking in the third person so much, don't use the passive voice, and tone down the vocabulary... don't try to sound pedantic because it ends up coming out bad and the admissions guys will know that you have no idea about how to write well.
From a true AP scholar... I did get a 5 in eng. lang., after all...

By Colonelkurtz (Colonelkurtz) on Wednesday, September 17, 2003 - 09:19 pm: Edit

Thank you everyone for your opinion, I haven't even showed this to my parents yet so I wanted a response before deciding to do anything with it. If you don't mind, any specific examples of the vocab that slows it down?

Also I think part of my liking of the story is that I was actually caught with my pants down by her dad while running out of the house when I banged my head into the laundry room cabinet door. I really don't think that would be taken too well tho by the adcoms, as you guys seem to think its over the top or too boring already. I think when I rewrite it I want to focus on traits that were apparent that night which will make me successful at their university. Thanks for the advice.

By Drfunk (Drfunk) on Saturday, September 20, 2003 - 12:10 am: Edit

well if you are gonna be racy go big or go home. Without mentioning the pants-down, head banging part it is impossible to understand what the hell you did. It sounds like you went driving to a party or your girlfriend's house, dropped your phone there? and somehow you were caught? Besides, that crazy stuff at the end is pretty exciting. Im not sure whether or not you should include this essay.. but if you decide to, juice it up with the extra details.

it seems a lot of ppl dont like your diction or the way you construct sentences.. i would change any glaring errors, then work mainly on condensing it.. its fairly long (pasted into MS Word and it's 1,200+ words)

By T0fu (T0fu) on Sunday, September 21, 2003 - 02:15 am: Edit

This is great--it shows that behind the good student, there is a human being that would be interesting to go to school with.

Don't let the man get you down--this is the only essay posted here that I've ever actually enjoyed reading.

The horrifying end of your tale isn't quite clear yet, but your idea is great and your style is fun.

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