Please read my essay..very different

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Discus: What Are My Chances?: September 2003 Archive: Please read my essay..very different
By Ceetotheizzle (Ceetotheizzle) on Saturday, September 13, 2003 - 11:33 am: Edit

February 2...
Wahhhh! Do I have to get up?
[ Yes, yes! You must! Today's the big day. Everyone's a-waiting.] Why should I care? The world's a mess anyway- way too materialistic. Everyone lives in a self centered- universe and I'm stuck inside. Oh well, I needn't worry.. it's all meaningless. And I am self- complete.
[ ...the people need you. Why are you so pessimistic?]
Heh, pessimistic- like there's anything to be optimistic about. Ah... what's the use. Might as well make it seem like I'm a benefactor. Fake it and fake it good.
I slowly crawl out of my stinking hole into that shabby universe that looks upon me with intriguing eyes. I do not understand. I try to help to world- change it for the better, only to be slapped back with indifference. [Ha! indifference- the powerful tool of human misconception.]
Do I see him? Where is that dark and devious thing I call friend? That infinite follower. That perpetual copycat. [ Is it he that wishes to be my friend or I that yearn to be his? I need something...please anything... anything to make this Journey worthwhile.]
Blindness! Flashes! White eyes glaring at me. [ This mustn't be it. This cannot be. I've been tricked! Deprived of my only wish.] Swift did I run... past the cheers and screams, past this hellhole and into my own hellhole. At least here I can be alone- like a ordinary, self- complete stone. [ Hah! " Do I dare disturb the Universe?" No, but still I try.. or so I thought- until I meet Lisa...]

I open my eyes barely aware of what I am doing or where I am- my place in the universe. As I begin to rub my refurbished eyes, words slowly become less opaque. I find myself starting at a theoretical physics book with Post-It notes full of poetry on the side. Suddenly, voices appears... screams. I turn around slowly only to see my own mother- jaws wide open- muttering some unknown chant at me. All the sudden, pain... my left ear numb. In shock I accidentally pick up a few lines of loud repeated chanting. " Why are you not studying? What is this poetry and science fiction stuff? ( To my mom studying meant preparing for college entrance examinations- the tests that will get me somewhere in life.) That will not bring honor to the family. That will not get you anywhere? You have no idea how many sacrifices I've had to make to get you this far. You are a student. Your job is to study. " I say nothing. In my mind I am just bursting to spill out my philosophy. I want to tell her that she is wrong. That the universe cannot be explained by a precise mathematical equation. Life must be balanced. Why can't she just let me be happy? Yet, I hold back. Respect is more important.

February 2...
Errrrr! Not again! When will this madness end? What sense can I make in this senseless world. All useless... all in vain. I should just stay here... forever. [No! No! Go, go get' em. Make their miserable lives glorified. Haleluyay! ] I can't, I can't- it's too tedious. But wait! What's that strange yet enchanting light I see? Could it be? Has this glorious moment come? Saved! Saved, I tell ya! Trembling with mixed emotions, I swiftly run to the light. Here I am! I see the light- that magnificent pristine talisman subliminal to this shoddy universe. It becomes clearer- the light- the body- the child- the set of wings- the winged angel- the time's winged chariot. I call for it, but to my dismay it runs. Come back! Why are you leaving? She laughs- giggling as if we were playing a game of tag. This is not funny! Yet, she keeps running- tantalizing me. Who is she? If only I could she the face- yet she repeatedly returns me with the back. Suddenly, she stops. She begins to tremble violently in all possible directions. Is she possessed? I catch up to her out of breathe. She turns around, eyes meet with eyes, face to face- begging for help. The shock of her face almost surpassed that of my own face. Lisa! What's wrong? What happened? Her face turns pale, her pupils painted with a homogenous layer of white. I hold her, suddenly realizing... understanding.... hoping. Perhaps this is my place in the universe? The lights go out.
I open my eyes again, not wanting to see what I will see. I've been here all night. It is now morning. The hospital saturates with nurse and doctors, each in his own little microcosm, each going about mindlessly like little busy bees serving the all-mighty bee. I get up and slowly walk to the Door- the door of truth, hoping that maybe, just maybe, truth and beauty will greet me with open hands behind that Door. That maybe I will discover some sense in this meaningless universe- this paradox of life. That the real world thrives on balance so that I may not tip the scale. That perhaps the love that I gave will be returned back. It was will hope that I opened the Door and there she was looking so sanguine, so adamant, so resilient. Her lips move slowly as if to send me a message. I hear! I barely make the words out..." I love you, brother!"

By Delirious (Delirious) on Saturday, September 13, 2003 - 11:52 am: Edit

Your diction is so terrible that I have trouble understanding the theme of your essay.

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Saturday, September 13, 2003 - 12:07 pm: Edit


By Bobbyh (Bobbyh) on Saturday, September 13, 2003 - 12:12 pm: Edit

Remember, you're writing for college, not for a novel. You're trying way too hard to stuff some abstract/emotional crap in it. To an adcom it may seem that you're also trying way too hard to impress them. Keep it in reality, at least most of the time.

Btw, I'm not trying to be critical but it's hard for me to like this essay because of the diction and unclarity of it.

"...each going about mindlessly like little busy bees serving the all-mighty bee."


By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Saturday, September 13, 2003 - 12:24 pm: Edit

/agree again

By Xtech (Xtech) on Saturday, September 13, 2003 - 02:07 pm: Edit

I hate to say it since it seems like you put a lot of work into it, but the diction is terrible and it's very hard to understand. You don't want to go this far trying to impress them. They'll just stop reading after the first paragraph like I did.

By Neo (Neo) on Saturday, September 13, 2003 - 02:18 pm: Edit

Adcom: What's going on?

You: I'm trying to be creative/unique/different.

Adcom: We think you're trying too hard.


By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Saturday, September 13, 2003 - 02:24 pm: Edit


By Abz1986 (Abz1986) on Sunday, September 14, 2003 - 12:46 am: Edit

Yeah you really need to make this more clear, I mean its a unique idea but its not going to work for college essays.

Your mom's like that too? Are you Asian by any chance?

By Heartfang2 (Heartfang2) on Sunday, September 14, 2003 - 06:37 am: Edit

agree with everyone..

and i don't understand what are u trying to say..

check out some of those sample essays on essay edge.. some are terrible, but the really good ones are not 'unusual', they are straightforward and conversational. more importantly, they get their messages across well..

anyway, for everyone else, pls rate my essay

By Ceetotheizzle (Ceetotheizzle) on Sunday, September 14, 2003 - 12:46 pm: Edit

i guess what i was trying to say was how my sister changed the world form me.. i was a "lonely' man at first until my sister came into the world and made my life worth living.

Thanks for your opinions.

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