Please rate essay for U of Chicago





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Discus: What Are My Chances?: September 2003 Archive: Please rate essay for U of Chicago
By Tbroiv (Tbroiv) on Thursday, September 04, 2003 - 07:33 pm: Edit

This essay is for Chicago. I chose to write about a topic of my choice in which I chose to combine two topics which I had been presented with in Essay Option four: The End of Everything combined with the Beginning of Everything. Please tell me what you think of my work.

The mansion is becoming empty; the billions of candles sheltered in its walls are now being extinguished one by one. The wind spreads down the staircase, creeping into the lower rooms, bringing dark to where there was once light.

Where the light still remains, photographs can be seen tacked to the walls by the thousands. The scenes show people, places, and events in no distinguishing order. They show the best and worse of humans in unbiased portrayals. The details fade as the light dims, the memories never to be remembered again.

Only one room is illuminated now. The flickering glow barely reaches past the doorways. The breeze begins to come in from the North door; many candles fade away long before the breeze touches them. The breeze is not the soft wind of a summer’s day, but air poisoned by the last crescendo.

In the corner of the room there is old man sitting in a red leather chair. He has been watching the candles go out for some time. He sits with his head low, seeming to barely notice the dimming light. He had given light to every candle in the mansion and now he just watches like he has done for countless ages.

He stares into the remaining light, looking deeply into the flame. Seeing into that he had created, the man takes one last look at his greatest endeavor. A nostalgic smile forms on his lips as he remembers better days that seemed like only moments ago. Maybe he should have stopped it, stepped in to prevent it all. “No,” he whispers, “it’s not my way.”

It is happening, only a few candles left. The man watches intently, his eyes deep pools of color reflecting only the dying light. The last candle, no different from all the others, is blown out by the wind. In the darkness there is only the sound of quiet weeping.

The man’s grief goes on for an infinite amount of time before he reaches out and grabs the first candle he finds with his fingertips. Reaching into his pocket, the man extracts a small bronze lighter and holds it in his hand. He turns the lighter over and over, thinking if he should give life to these candles once again; what would be the point? With a snap of his fingers, he ignites the flame and gives life to the candle in his gentle grasp. He takes another candle and lights it with the fire of the first. He repeats the process, slowly starting again where he’d begun so long ago.

The man knows it will take an eternity to light the mansion with the brilliance that it had only months before. “If only they knew,” the man says in a drawn out sigh, talking only to himself,“how brightly they radiated together.”

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Thursday, September 04, 2003 - 08:22 pm: Edit

This is an amazing story . . . I just don't get how it fits the topic. If you explain it to me, I'll be able to help you out.

By Tbroiv (Tbroiv) on Thursday, September 04, 2003 - 08:26 pm: Edit

what I'm trying to do is combine the topics of the end and beginning of everything...death followed by rebirth...Chicago said be creative...so I made a story

By Tbroiv (Tbroiv) on Thursday, September 04, 2003 - 08:27 pm: Edit

It's mankind getting a second chance

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 03:20 pm: Edit

Let me tell you something. This story is simply brilliant. The variations, technique, vocab, fluency, structure, . . . everything is awesome. Wow, this is good. I wouldn't change a thing.

By Sadeyedlady (Sadeyedlady) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 03:49 pm: Edit

overall its a good, original story but some of the syntax is awkward

By Nealp (Nealp) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 06:44 pm: Edit

yeah get rid of a ONLY SOME of the passive voice. it is mostly used well but there are a few instances where it creates a weakness.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 08:09 pm: Edit

Hey that is an amazing story! I didn't know that we could write fiction for our essays!!!

By Rowan (Rowan) on Friday, September 05, 2003 - 08:17 pm: Edit

Random suggestion: don't forget that "Essay Option 5" includes this line: "pose and respond to an uncommon prompt of your own." Perhaps you just left it off, but do remember to pose the question you answer. :)

By the way, I love the approach -- which is why I want to see what it answers. (I recognize the 'beginning of everything' and 'end of everything' from essay option 4, but your essay doesn't do the explaining it asks for, so I assume you're doing question 5.)

By Tbroiv (Tbroiv) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 01:42 pm: Edit

bump

By Chen (Chen) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 01:47 pm: Edit

Based on the meaning and basic content, it's an amazing story. I agree wtih the passive tense. You should get rid of almost all of it in addition to the "seeming" parts. Some of the vocabulary is cliche to me, but it's good you decided not to go with flowery vocabulary. Once I got past the first 1/4, I didn't noitce it as much though. With revising, I think you could add some more bulk to the middle, too. It seems kind of bare to me.

By Clickspring (Clickspring) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 04:11 pm: Edit

"Seeing into that he had created,"

DO you mean Peering into what he had created?

Nice work on the essay

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 04:31 pm: Edit

I agree with all of the suggestions on this post. But again, the story is awesome. Very few people can write really good fiction, you are one of them.

By Tbroiv (Tbroiv) on Saturday, September 06, 2003 - 05:13 pm: Edit

To Clickspring- the word 'Seeing' was intentional. Seeing, in the context of my story, is the man's ability to see past the facades that mankind can put up. He sees us for what we truly are.

By Tbroiv (Tbroiv) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 12:54 am: Edit

bump

By Misterbobbit (Misterbobbit) on Sunday, September 07, 2003 - 01:58 pm: Edit

It's a good story, but what does this reveal about yourself?

By Tbroiv (Tbroiv) on Monday, September 08, 2003 - 08:27 pm: Edit

bump

By Tbroiv (Tbroiv) on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 05:38 pm: Edit

After considering your responces and Emails, I've made changes in grammar, syntax, etc. The basic essay is still the same.

My Prompt for Essay Option 5: Please combine two topics from Essay Option Four and explain their combined existance through a short story no more than 2 double spaced typed pages.

The End of Everything followed by the Beginning of Everything!

The mansion is becoming empty; the billions of candles sheltered within its walls are now being extinguished one by one. The wind spreads down the staircase, creeping into the lower rooms, bringing dark to where there was once light.

Where light still remains, photographs are tacked to the walls by the thousands. The scenes show people, places, and events in no distinguishable order. They show the greatness and shame of human beings in unbiased portrayals. Details fade as the light dims, the memories never to be remembered again.

Only one room is illuminated now. The flickering glow barely reaches past the doorways. The breeze begins to enter from the North door; many candles fade away long before the breeze can reach them. This breeze is not the soft wind of a summer’s day, but air poisoned by a final crescendo.

In the corner of the room there is old man sitting in a red leather chair. He has been watching the candles go out for some time. He sits with his head low, seeming to barely notice the dimming light. He had given light to every candle in the mansion and now he only watches as he has done for countless ages.

He stares into the remaining light, looking deeply into the flame. Seeing into that he had created, the man takes one last look at his greatest endeavor. A nostalgic smile forms on his lips as he remembers better days that seemed like only moments ago. Maybe he should have stopped it, stepped in to prevent it all. “No,” he whispers, “it’s not my way.”

It is happening, only a few candles left. The man watches intently, his eyes deep pools of color reflecting only the dying light. The last candle, no different from all the others, is blown out by the wind. In the darkness there is only a sound of quiet weeping.

The man’s grief goes on for an infinite amount of time before he reaches out and grabs the first candle he finds with his fingertips. Reaching into his pocket, the man extracts a small bronze lighter. He turns the lighter over and over, wondering if he should give life to these candles once again; what would be the point? With a snap of his fingers, he ignites the flame and gives life to the candle in his gentle grasp. He chooses another candle and lights it with the fire of the first. He repeats the process, slowly starting again where he began so long ago.

The man knows it will take an eternity to light the mansion with its former brilliance. “If only they knew,” the man says in a drawn out sigh, talking only to himself, “how brightly they radiated together.”


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