|By Mysteryman (Mysteryman) on Sunday, December 01, 2002 - 11:48 am: Edit|
Alright I know there are a lot of these topics all of a sudden, but any comments on my essay would be appreciated.
When my dad first suggested that I should run on the track team I quickly dismissed the idea. To be blunt, I found staying home and playing video games much more enticing than running. In my mind I had none of the qualifications for such an endeavor. I was skinny, but had bulky thighs and had little aspiration to test physical limits. Nevertheless, my dad was persistent in his attempts to make me join the team and I eventually conceded.
I donít remember much of my first season of cross country, but what I do remember was that I felt I was one of the least likely people suited for running. One thing that I do distinctly remember is that on the first day of practice I did not have the energy to run the entire warm up. Most days I came home from cross country depleted of energy and wishing that I could spend the rest of the day watching television. However, whatever shortcomings I possessed in talent, I made up for them with my dedication. About halfway through my first season of cross-country I decided that I would continue running and prove that I could do it. By the end of my freshman year I was actually decent and as a result I decided to train over the summer.
All the confidence and pride I had built up from running quickly faded in my sophomore year. My times remained stagnant and I sometimes became both depressed and angry. I would think that I had done something terrible in a previous life for God to punish me like this. He had given me an almost insatiable lust to persevere in achieving my goals, but none of the raw talent that only he could provide. Occasionally I would wonder why I should bother to continue to run.
My junior year in running started off less than auspiciously. The cross-country coach could tell that I hadnít been training over the summer as hard as I could. However, he still gave me the benefit of the doubt by keeping me on varsity and for that I was grateful. Fate tempted me further in winter track when the coach did not put me on a relay team despite the fact that he claimed he decided who would be on a relay by how much dedication they possessed. It seemed as though every time I tried I would be close to attaining my goals, but at the last minute I would have them squashed, as in a cruel game of cat and mouse. With all this in mind, I had very low expectations in mind for spring track. However, I was pleasantly surprised when I became fairly good at the half mile and was actually the fastest one on the team in that race. Realizing that I was aspiring to a rank I so desperately desired, I trained extensively over the summer, taking fate into my own hands and shaping it into my future. All of that training paid off when I became the cross-country captain. It was hard to believe that at one time I couldnít even do a warm up, but now I was the leader.
Looking back on all this I realize the true impact running has made on my life. Iíve known tons of runners that have much more talent than me, but many lack dedication and eventually quit. Besides, I doubt I could take so much pride in something that I achieved without putting in laborious time and effort. Success based on pure talent is only using Godís gifts and to get anywhere in life you have to take what God gives you and turn it into something more. When I run Iím almost able to channel the pain and exhaustion I feel into energy. I think about how running is hard, but if I can do this than surely I can do well in school and do anything I put my mind to. Now, I finally understand what Plato meant when he said that ďThe perfect citizen is the scholar athlete.Ē
|By essayqueen on Sunday, December 01, 2002 - 12:42 pm: Edit|
would think that I had done something terrible in a previous life for God to punish me like this
as in a cruel game of cat and mouse
taking fate into my own hands and shaping it into my future
Success based on pure talent is only using Godís gifts and to get anywhere in life you have to take what God gives you and turn it into something more
When I run Iím almost able to channel the pain and exhaustion I feel into energy. I think about how running is hard, but if I can do this than surely I can do well in school and do anything I put my mind to
all the excerps copied/pasted above are sentences that struck me as out of place
there are many instances where you've used a $20 word instead of a 20cent word. it sounds as if you're trying to squeeze vocab into it. doesn't work because the topic isn't all that formal; the vocab is more appropriate for a formal.
good start, have real people that know you look it over, BUT NOT PROOFREAD/CORRECT IT - IT SHOWS WHEN ITS READ.
|By Mysteryman (Mysteryman) on Sunday, December 01, 2002 - 02:12 pm: Edit|
Thanks for the advice. I took your advice and fixed up most of the $20 words and I think my essay is somewhere near decent now.
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