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I'm bad writer. Moved to states three years ago without knowing English, I tried my best to be where I am now. But I still lack great deal of writing skill, and I'm worried sick about JHU essay. If you guys can take your valuable time and read it through, and of course give me some feedbacks on it (doesn't have to be positive), that would be greatly appreciated.

thank you.

With ten dollars in my hand, I am planning on doing something daring, so bald, that will knock people’s socks off-watching a movie with my dad. Ok, maybe it doesn’t sound so scary or appalling. But it surely does to me, since I have never tried that ever in my life.

I will go to the Blockbuster across the street, and pick up $7.99 previewed movie, the ones with actions rather than romance, the kind of movie he likes to watch. At least I think he does. Then I’ll pick up however many numbers of popcorns I can buy with what’s left of ten dollars, to have something to stuff in my mouth just in case things get awkward or too quite.

It goes long way back, me and my dad. I don’t ever recall going to a movie theater or even having a friendly conversation with him. It’s always been about either my grades or how I could be better in every things I do. Sure, we’ve done some things together, but they were all by obligations, not for our enjoyment as a father and a daughter. Thinking back, we’ve given nothing but feeling of hatred and disappointments to each other, regardless of what our real intentions were.

We yelled and screamed. I cried and hated him. He demanded, I obeyed. He asked, I answered. I remember the endless days of crying and being depressed. So isolated and lonely, I even thought of doing something extreme. I believed I hated him, and couldn’t wait to leave so I wouldn’t have to see him everyday. But lately, things have gotten little different.

First, there is tennis that he started teaching me. He might be a unkind father, but a wonderful teacher. We run, swing, sweat, and sometimes laugh. Also, there is my car, Toyota 4Runner, loved by both my and my dad. We talk of engines, car maintenance, and how better my car is than my mom’s Elantra. I feel like I finally found ways to bond with him, but it’s almost time for me to leave.

With ten dollars in my hand, I am planning on doing something daring, so badly that it’s going to knock my own socks off, not to mention my dads’. I will sit on a couch next to him, translating movie words by words, scene by scene. Maybe we will laugh, and I wouldn’t have to stuff popcorns in my mouth to break the silence, instead it will be for my enjoyment. There’s no guarantee that it’s going to work, but maybe, this ten dollars will open a new beginning of relation between my dad and me. Just maybe.

By Marite (Marite) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 12:48 am: Edit

>>With ten dollars in my hand, I am planning on doing something daring, so bald, that will knock people’s socks off-watching a movie with my dad.>>

"bold" not "bald." "knock people's socks off": far too colloquial. Replace with "it will amaze people."

It's too late for me to comment in detail. You actually write rather well. I'm wondering, though, if this is the message you want to send to colleges about the person you are.

By Jl87d (Jl87d) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 03:53 am: Edit

I agree with Marite, you do write pretty well. The thing I like is, that you have a lot a voice in the essay. You do, however need to work on a few things mainly your tenses, and pluralizations of words. Some of the others will be better at helping you do this, Grammar has never been my strong point.

By Caseyatthebat (Caseyatthebat) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 09:32 am: Edit

There are many grammatical errors, which seriously detract from the appreciation of your essay. I would like to help, but I am unable to do so at this time because of my work. If you have the time to hold-off for a while, I can give it a shot.

By Editrix (Editrix) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 09:55 am: Edit

Hhboyji--

I like the idea of the essay, and think the message it would send to colleges about who you are is fine (though I might take out the line about "endless days of crying and being depressed"). To me you come across as someone from a family that values achievement above everything else; it sounds as if you've achieved a lot, but also want to try to connect to your father on another level before you leave home. I found the essay moving, and was also impressed that you had learned this much English in only three years.

You do need to sit down with someone and go over the grammar in detail. Is there an English teacher or guidance counselor at your school who can help you do that? It's important to keep refining your skills at writing in English, both for this essay and for the later work in college.

Good luck--you sound like an admirable young woman.

By Garland (Garland) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 10:55 am: Edit

I don't ordinarily do line by line grammar, but your voice is so good, and so natural, that it's a shame to see it hampered by your still growing mastery of English. I may have missed a few, but this should read better. This is very light, because at some points, it's really a matter of slight awkwardness rather than actual error, and i don't want to overdue. It's still your words.

More globally, I agree it's risky to emphasize the depression/thoughts of doing something extreme, too much. This can make you seem like a risk.

Also, I'm not sure you should mention you have a Toyota 4Runner (nicer than your mother's car). This sounds a little privileged, at odds with your main point.

I like "knock their socks off" I think it works here. But the second time you use it, in the last paragraph, I'm not sure what you mean by "so badly" . do you mean "boldly" or do you mean you really want to do it "badly"? This sentence confused me.

The line "At least I think he does" in the second paragraph, is a heartbreaker. Really captures the situation.

Anyway, here's a grammar edit:

With ten dollars in my hand, I am planning on doing something daring, so bold, that it will knock people’s socks off--watching a movie with my dad. Ok, maybe it doesn’t sound so scary or appalling. But it surely does to me, since I have never tried that ever in my life.

I will go to the Blockbuster across the street, and pick up $7.99 previewed movie, the ones with actions rather than romance, the kind of movie he likes to watch. At least I think he does. Then I’ll pick up as much popcorn as I can buy with what’s left of ten dollars, to have something to stuff in my mouth just in case things get awkward or too quiet.

It goes a long way back, for me and my dad. I don’t ever recall going to a movie theater or even having a friendly conversation with him. It’s always been about either my grades or how I could be better in everything I do. Sure, we’ve done some things together, but they were all by obligation, not for our enjoyment as a father and a daughter. Thinking back, we’ve given nothing but feelings of hatred and disappointment to each other, regardless of what our real intentions were.

We yelled and screamed. I cried and hated him. He demanded, I obeyed. He asked, I answered. I remember the endless days of crying and being depressed. So isolated and lonely, I even thought of doing something extreme. I believed I hated him, and couldn’t wait to leave so I wouldn’t have to see him every day. But lately, things have gotten a little different.

First, there is tennis, which he started teaching me. He might be an unkind father, but he is a wonderful teacher. We run, swing, sweat, and sometimes laugh. Also, there is my car, a Toyota 4Runner, loved by both my dad and myself. We talk of engines, car maintenance, and how better my car is than my mom’s Elantra. I feel like I am finally finding ways to bond with him, but it’s almost time for me to leave.

With ten dollars in my hand, I am planning on doing something daring, so badly that it’s going to knock my own socks off, not to mention my dad's. I will sit on a couch next to him, translating the movie word by word, scene by scene. Maybe we will laugh, and I wouldn’t have to stuff popcorn in my mouth to break the silence; instead, it will be for my enjoyment. There’s no guarantee that it’s going to work, but maybe this ten dollars will open a new beginning of a relationship between my dad and me. Just maybe.

By Marite (Marite) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 11:10 am: Edit

Now that I am more awake, I've re-read the essay. I like your voice. It's very assured. despite your incomplete mastery of English. The essay is also very moving. It captures very well the pressures of growing up in an immigrant family both in terms of academic performance and difficulty of communication.
I would only suggest you think about the paragraph:
>>We yelled and screamed. I cried and hated him. He demanded, I obeyed. He asked, I answered. I remember the endless days of crying and being depressed. So isolated and lonely, I even thought of doing something extreme. I believed I hated him, and couldn’t wait to leave so I wouldn’t have to see him every day. But lately, things have gotten a little different.>>

I would suggest deleting the reference to "doing something extreme." Colleges have become very concerned about suicidal students and the adcom reader might flag this reference.

If you incorporate Garland's suggestions, you will have a very nice essay indeed.

By Midwesterner (Midwesterner) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 11:32 am: Edit

Be careful that you don't lose your individualistic voice. While Garland's rewrite is well thought out and well-meant, it sounds like Garland's writing, not yours.

By Garland (Garland) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 02:04 pm: Edit

MW: I tried to avoid anything that wasn't an actual grammar error. I think her voice exists apart from that. It is important to me not to affect that; if you list where you think i crossed the line, that would be helpful to the student.

By Flstudent (Flstudent) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 04:03 pm: Edit

It's beautiful. If you lengthen your sentences and and clean up the grammar too much, you may lose the touching imagary of your piece. Take suggestions cautiously.

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 05:08 pm: Edit

I really like the essay because it highlights your character and values, and you seem to value things that are truly important.

My only suggestion is to take the essay to someone like an English teacher or friend with good grammar skills so you can clean up your grammar.

You sound like a nice person. I wish you well. I also hope that you really will take $10 and do what you said you'd like to do in the essay.