|By Angeldesignpro (Angeldesignpro) on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 10:22 pm: Edit|
Hey everyone, I'd really appreciate some feedback on this essay. I think I like the topic, but I'm not sure if it "works" - does this make sense to you?
Today marks my 3rd week of eating lunch alone in one of the more empty halls of the school. As the mundane cafeteria food slides down my throat, the only thing on my mind is my Spanish homework for next period and the dismal interim that is on its way. Shifting backward as a group of students pass by, I realize that I really could stand to lose some weight. Maybe things aren’t as bad as I present them, but all things considered, freshman year isn’t treating me very well.
There was no flash of light or thunderous crash as he came into view, but my heart skipped a beat. I felt like I had seen him before as he skipped down the hall, a plaid bathrobe swimming around his ankles. Underneath the robe was a bright blue shirt bearing the Shakespeare Troupe logo, and on his feet were a matching pair of open-heeled slippers. This mysterious stranger had a few more inches than I, and my stomach knotted as I realized he probably weighed noticeably less despite that fact. His hair danced around him as he flew down the hall, and I realized it was much longer than I would ever let mine get.
He approached a stranger farther down the hall and presented him with a thick and worn document that looked as though it had been touched by half the school.
“Would you like to sign a petition to return the competition to homecoming spirit week this year?” he asked the student directly, and after a short conversation the strange figure had collected the signature and moved on.
When he had gotten a few feet passed me he slid to a stop, the fluffy slippers squealing under the friction. After a quick about-face he was bent down and looking straight into me with huge, sad eyes. His head cocked slightly to one side, and a faint smile grew from the left side of his mouth. “We’re going to turn out alright.”
The words splashed over my face and sank into my being, and I didn’t have a chance to open my mouth before he continued.
“I know that you are happy. Everything that you are is still a part of me, and everything that I am is also inside of you somewhere. It’s going to be OK – but between me and you,” he leaned forward and whispered into my ear, “we’ll like it better this way.”
He stood up, broke into a run, and leaped suddenly into a passer-by’s arms. Even as they collapsed together they laughed, and soon they were both on their feet and moving toward another pack of smiling people. I only had time to blink my eyes once before the apparition disappeared into the still afternoon air.
|By Hoo_29 (Hoo_29) on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 10:42 pm: Edit|
Om, I don't get it. What is the "so what" of this essay? What does it say about what you learned from this experience? And do you think that this really portrays you in a positive light? I know it was your freshman year and all, but all we learn about you is that you are a loner and think you're fat. Not too great a message. This really makes little sense and is just some random story, not a college essay.
|By Editrix (Editrix) on Friday, October 01, 2004 - 12:48 am: Edit|
I'm afraid I can't even follow what's happening here. Are you seeing a vision of your future self? If your first two readers are confused, there's a good chance the ad coms will be as well, and that wouldn't endear you to them.
|By Aim78 (Aim78) on Friday, October 01, 2004 - 01:31 am: Edit|
|By Irish200 (Irish200) on Friday, October 01, 2004 - 02:29 pm: Edit|
I am extremely confused......this seems like a jumble of randomness that had no bearing on your personality... you seem like a good writer but the CONTENT is missing....... when i read this i see a depressed lowly, unintelligent person who cannot accpet the way they are. I don't even understand the whole bathrobe kid thing.
|By Sgiovinc (Sgiovinc) on Friday, October 01, 2004 - 02:41 pm: Edit|
No comprendo tambien.
|By Marite (Marite) on Friday, October 01, 2004 - 03:02 pm: Edit|
Is this supposed to be about an apparition?
|By Athlonmj (Athlonmj) on Friday, October 01, 2004 - 08:48 pm: Edit|
that'll just confuse the adcoms
|By Aim78 (Aim78) on Saturday, October 02, 2004 - 12:20 am: Edit|
If it's Jesus Christ you're talking about, maybe you want to make that a little more clear.
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