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The night before my first day as a Congressional intern was filled with nervous excitement. As I lay in bed, I naively envisioned myself shooting to the top of the political spectrum. Delivering the keynote speech at the DNC, walking up the steps of the Capitol, helping deliver press conferences, even putting forth sweeping legislative initiatives, it all would be mine under the auspices of a summer internship. My dreams of political grandeur, however, were quickly dashed the next day, as I checked and rechecked the address to make sure I was at the right building.

The Neo-Classical atrium of the Capitol Building was replaced by the cheesy art deco atrium of the CitiBank Building and the Congressional office spaces were shared not with Hillary Clinton but with the regional headquarters of KFC. Once inside, the scene hardly improved. What I thought was my opportunity to prove myself in the political arena suddenly appeared to be nothing more than free labor for the Congressional aides to pawn their menial tasks on. I wasn’t complaining, but the days seemed to never end.

On a particularly boring day when I sat in a corner stuffing envelopes and wondering how to make this experience more meaningful to me, I had an idea. I carefully compiled a list of initiatives and thought of ways that I could help each staff member in a way that stimulated my mind and got things done. The next day, I nervously placed my list of ideas on the desk of our district chairperson, Holli. As she carefully reviewed each idea I tried my best to read her expressions. It wasn’t until she looked up with a smile, though, that I knew for sure she enjoyed knowing there were interns out there who wanted to get things done. Soon, Holli and I became a force to be reckoned with. Each day I was greeted with an update on what we had to do, and I felt my role becoming less mundane and my responsibilities expanding. Veterans would call in looking for replacement medals or seeking benefits, and instead of simply transferring their calls, I was given permission to take action and make things happen for these people in need. Soon, they even changed my position. I was no longer a mere intern, but a “Veteran’s Liaison Officer”.

Over two years later, I am still working closely with Holli and all the other members of the staff. I have successfully organized Veteran’s Workshops for the brave soldiers who fought for our country years ago, and I have produced newsletters that provide updates to these men and women on benefits available to them. Recently, a man whose military pension I had worked to increase called me to thank me for all of my hard work fighting for his cause. This sixty year old Vietnam vet, a man who had “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” listed dozens of times on his medical records, suddenly began to cry. At that very moment I realized how far I had come from the days of sitting on the floor filing folders with a bitter taste for politics. As he passed the phone to his wife and she explained how far the retroactive benefits in excess of $50,000 would go in helping them afford their prescription drugs and other expenses, I heard a click. As Holli picked up the phone to listen in, I saw the same smile come across her face as the one that appeared when I finally spoke up for myself a few years earlier. As I hung up the phone and Holli came rushing in to congratulate me, I saw from behind her a big folder that stated “KYLE’S FIRST CASE”. I, the poor kid who thought he would be doomed to sorting mail, was now a caseworker.

Something inside of me had changed, and apparently others took notice. Unwilling to let the days go by, I learned the benefit of speaking up. When I return to the office tomorrow, I will return to a job I love. A job that has planted a seed for political action inside of me and taught me more lessons than any classroom ever could.


There it is.

By Marite (Marite) on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 10:22 pm: Edit

Nice essay, Ilcapo. Well done!

By Achat (Achat) on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 10:27 pm: Edit

I liked this version better than the ones before. What is the word count?

You haven't gotten rid of the hyperbole in the beginning about expecting to deliver the keynote speech just because you were invited to be an intern. If you want to reduce the word count, this would be a candidate for removal.

The following sentence ends with a dangling participle:
"What I thought was my opportunity to prove myself in the political arena suddenly appeared to be nothing more than free labor for the Congressional aides to pawn their menial tasks on."
Reword it.

"At that very moment I realized how far I had come from the days of sitting on the floor filing folders with a bitter taste for politics."
You could remove "with a bitter taste for politics". It is redundant.

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 10:34 pm: Edit

WOOHOOO!!!

Even the slighest praise means so much right now - I'm incredibly stressed!!

By Achat (Achat) on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 10:35 pm: Edit

The word count is 698. I really think you should reduce it. As other parents have told you before, 698 is way too many words.

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 10:36 pm: Edit

You're right, I actually have some stuff I know I can cut so I'll get on that.

By Achat (Achat) on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 10:38 pm: Edit

I liked it, though. As a college essay it is focused and says something about you.

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 11:44 pm: Edit

This essay has come a long way since I last read a draft and is pretty good! Yes, it is too long but you have the core of it and so now work on cutting it down. It is hard to do but you can do it. This is one of your better ones.

Susan

By Bettina (Bettina) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 01:45 am: Edit

The entire first paragraph can go--all filler.

By Bettina (Bettina) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 07:43 am: Edit

On second reading, the 2nd paragraph can go too. I'll let you know about the 3rd and 4th.

Really, these 2 para's don't illustrate anything and just scream 'too cute'. Only a mother could love the you, here. These paragraphs describe mostly made up things that didn't happen, so are uninteresting.

And, "What I thought was my opportunity to prove myself in the political arena suddenly appeared to be nothing more than free labor for the Congressional aides to pawn their menial tasks on." This is just an awfully petty and pretentious way to portray yourself going off to a first internship--AVOID.

The piece only starts to get good when you begin paragraph 3 and 4. But I've read it before and didn't get to this version.

Try to avoid cliche--"force to be reckoned with. "Something inside of me had changed"--what exactly would that be?

Clearly you are a good writer, but a lazy one; you make CC edit all your rough work! (lol) You don't try to edit your work *in content*, being content with what first spews out, and just fiddling with that. I feel you could do much better, but you don't care. If you do proper rewrite you can sound less shallow (ie 1st and 2nd para's) and find more substantive layers to the meat of your essay. The end needs rewrite too.

In all, a far better essay than most posted here, but short in the honesty and lack of pretension simpler essays have.

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 08:13 am: Edit

Bettina made some good points regarding your essay. I also think if you were to cut, you could condense both the first and second paragraphs as you don't need this much introduction and the essay does not get rolling until much later. An intro. or context is good but you don't need two paragraphs to accomplish that when it is supposed to be 500 words.

She made a couple other points that are valid that you might want to think about. I also think you post a lot of rough drafts here and I think once you get to a final draft, then maybe post it. Frankly I am not into posting essays AT ALL on here. I think you should run this essay by your English teacher or other trusted adult or teacher.

Susan

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 12:36 pm: Edit

These essays actually are my final drafts. The problem is that if there was no CC, I would have just sent this essay in and been on my way. However, we can all see the necessity in posting the essays because you all offer me valid points that I personally cannot see.

It's not that I'm lazy and making you do the work for me, it's that I am the writer, so it's hard for me to find fault in my own work the way you guys can.

RE: my style.

There is no way to explain why I write, because my style is something I personally enjoy. I like the part about the "pawning of menial tasks" becauses it is funny to me...but obviously pretentious to you.

What if I sent the essay in without getting your advice? Then I could get an adcom like yourself who thinks I am an annoying pretentious kid when I really just thought it was funny.

Get it?

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 12:40 pm: Edit

Also, the first two paragraphs are my attempt at injecting some of my personality into the essay process. Sure, I could just tell the story of how I became a caseworker and now I get lots of money for people - but the point is that I started out with such high expectations, figured out a way to cure myself of bitterness, and then made my boring internship into something I love.

Without the first two paragraphs, you would totally miss the fact that I was appalled at how ridiculous my internship was. Honestly, it might sound pretentious, but does one really want to spend their time sitting in a corner filing? No. Why should I take that out of the essay when it chewed up 3 months of my life and served as a catalyst for the change of roles in the office.

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 01:07 pm: Edit

Ilcapo, of course you want various people to read your essays and help edit them or give feedback and you SHOULD!! My kids did too. They just did not post drafts online like you are and I am not saying not to but there are alternatives. They wrote drafts, editted them on their own, cut them down (very hard to do as you can see) to close to the word limits and then showed me, and I gave feedback (sometimes written like a teacher would do) and they would go back and revise and so forth. When they felt they had gone as far as they could after many drafts and also reducing the word count, they showed at least one teacher and asked for their perspective. In fact, my younger child did that yesterday after revising her three essays for UM and having had me edit and give feedback many times now. I still felt one other reader should give her feedback. So, I am agreeing with you that you should have other readers.

I know this was not your first draft as I even commented how far you have come with this essay and it is much improved and I like it overall. It still is too long. I get your reasons for the content of your intro and think they are good. If there was no word count, then they could stay as they are. But since there IS a word count limit, my recommendation, as Bettina's, is that you could get that point across in the intro but not take two paragraphs to do so. I don't have time to give you the exact feedback of what to cut and how to say it. But that is a general comment. I know how hard it is to cut. My current applicant kid wrote one of her 500 word essays and as a first draft it was 800 words and she has painstakingly kept revising and cutting and while it seemed like no more could go after she cut 150 words, she has done it and it is now about 550 words which is reasonable for a 500 word essay and fits on one page as well. It CAN be done. It is hard to do. I understand that you OWN those paragraphs and like them. I liked the stuff she had to cut too and if there was no word limit, those things would have stayed in. But there IS a word limit. Thus, you have to shorten or cut sentences that are not absolutely necessary to tell your story. Yes, you want to give that context you did at the beginning but if you really try, there are sentences in that entire two paragraphs that could go and still get the same point across. Then once you do that, examine every single sentence and see if there are any unnecessary words that if taken out, would not change the meaning or if there are ways to express the same idea with less words.

Good luck. I am not against revisions and think you should have readers. I personally would not opt to do this on a message board but that is your choice. And as a reader of a message board, I am not inclined to take the time and edit to the degree you need, as I do with my own kids. It is very time consuming. There may be adults in your life such as teachers or parents who can do this, as are there paid services. That is just my opinion.

Susan

By Xdad (Xdad) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 03:23 pm: Edit

"There is no way to explain why I write, because my style is something I personally enjoy."

And that is the beginning and the end of your problems. In a way, you must assume that posting your favorite 1,000 words will result in a solid 500 words essay, mostly based on editing by consensus.

The issue is far different. While you started with pretty good ideas for your essays, you have shown little willingness to work on them in earnest, and pay attention to the advice given to you. You have fallen in love with your own words and style, and refuse to realize their deficiencies. I have given you precise examples before, but take a look at this sentence: "Recently, a man whose military pension I had worked to increase called me to thank me for all of my hard work fighting for his cause." It may be insignificant to you -as shown in your obstinence to ignore the repeated advice- but the double me is a sure sign of poor editing and sloppy writing.

In addition of reading a few books on essay writing, I would also encourage you to check a PSAT or SAT-II writing guide and check the basic rules for the use of parallel sentences, gender accord, and pronouns.

As other posters have said before, your essays are not bad at the rough draft stage. While they are not very good either, the worst part is that they show little intrinsic improvement.

The blindest of the blind is the one who refuses to see.

By Xdad (Xdad) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 03:50 pm: Edit

Ilcapo, I read some of your posts in this thread, and I realized the origin of your continuing stuggle with the process. This one is particularly telling:

---

Quote:

Also, the first two paragraphs are my attempt at injecting some of my personality into the essay process. Sure, I could just tell the story of how I became a caseworker and now I get lots of money for people - but the point is that I started out with such high expectations, figured out a way to cure myself of bitterness, and then made my boring internship into something I love.

Without the first two paragraphs, you would totally miss the fact that I was appalled at how ridiculous my internship was. Honestly, it might sound pretentious, but does one really want to spend their time sitting in a corner filing? No. Why should I take that out of the essay when it chewed up 3 months of my life and served as a catalyst for the change of roles in the office.

---

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 04:45 pm: Edit

I'm not sure why you feel that I am not "trying" to improve my paper. Often, with so much advice I can forget a thing or two! Even when I look it over, I can sometimes read the same thing 20 times without realizing that I made a mistake in one small sentence.


In my opinion, each revision I do is a pretty serious one. I cut out alot, I add alot, I try to fix as much as I can!

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 04:46 pm: Edit

I'm not sure why you feel that I am not "trying" to improve my paper. Often, with so much advice I can forget a thing or two! Even when I look it over, I can sometimes read the same thing 20 times without realizing that I made a mistake in one small sentence.


In my opinion, each revision I do is a pretty serious one. I cut out a lot, I add a lot, I try to fix as much as I can!

P.S. I got an 800 on SAT II Writing, so I know where the mistakes are...I just can't always avoid them when I write.

By Marite (Marite) on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 05:09 pm: Edit

Ilcapo:

Although I liked your essay a lot, partly because it is such an improvement over the first version, Xdad makes some great points. I had my doubts about the first two paragraphs. They do set up the contrast between your grandiose expectations and the reality. But truly, the important point is that you succeeded in making a difference in someone's life. Xdad's suggestion that you start with the phone call is terrific. You can grab the reader's attention with this vivid anecdote then use flashback to discuss--very briefly--that your initial expectations of immediately having an impact were dashed by the mundane nature of the chores assigned to you but that you eventually came out of your torpor, and made suggestions concerning how your time and energies could be better utilized. The reward was the scene with which you began your essay. Experiences such as these convinced you that your volunteer work was worthwhile. Such a narrative strategy would draw attention away from your naivete and self-absorption and toward the positive aspects of your internship (and personality). Try it. It does not take a lot of rewriting, but you will be able to cut out a fair amount of verbiage and keep to the limits. I heard one adcom officer mention that some software programs actually cut off essays after 500 words. You're better off doing the pruning yourself than let a computer do it. (and don't argue with advice freely given--and solicited).

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Saturday, October 02, 2004 - 12:26 am: Edit

OK folks...

If you could just read the new version, I would appreciate it very much. I don't want you to think that I'm demanding edits and what not, but if you could point me in the right direction I would like to know whether your preferred the earlier version or this one. Thanks again for all the help you have ever given me.


As I packed the envelope full of information and sent it out, it never crossed my mind that a man’s livelihood hung in the balance. Tax forms, military records, housing information; to me it was simply data, but in reality it was the determinant of one man’s financial security. As I sent out the package I still believed that my job was simply to advocate a cause; I had done it before, in campaigns, mock trials, and in every day life. What I realized when the decision came back, however, was that my job meant much, much more.

I could barely make out the words of the man on the other end of the line. He was my first case, a man who had served in Vietnam that wouldn’t be able to survive without increased benefits for his military service. It was a man named John who had a wife and kids but who could not work, could hardly function in society, and who truly could not survive on the funds made available to him by the government. John was a man with post-traumatic stress disorder, partial paralysis, and haunting images of war plaguing his every thought. When his voice started to clear, I realized that this man who seemed tougher than nails was crying. The mail had just reached him, and a decision had been rendered on his appeal. Fifty thousand dollars in retroactive benefits, with a $250 increase each month. It meant the world to him, and he let me know as I sat smiling on the other end.

It had all started just a year earlier. On a particularly boring day when I sat in a corner stuffing envelopes I wondered to myself how I could make my rather mundane intern experience more useful. As a nervous freshman, the thought of asking my intimidating boss Holli for a quasi-promotion was a frightening thought. What I realized after a few more days was that I knew I could contribute more to the office. So I compiled a list of initiatives and handed it to Holli with a look of trepidation. As she carefully reviewed each idea I tried my best to read her expressions. It wasn’t until she looked up with a smile, though, that I knew for sure she enjoyed knowing there were interns out there who wanted to get things done. Soon, Holli and I became a force to be reckoned with. Each day I was greeted with an update on what we had to do, and I felt my role becoming less mundane and my responsibilities expanding. Veterans would call in looking for replacement medals or seeking benefits, and instead of simply transferring their calls, I was given permission to take action and make things happen for these people in need. Soon, they even changed my position. I was no longer a mere intern, but a “Veteran’s Liaison Officer”.

Over two years later, I am still working closely with Holli and all the other members of the staff. I have successfully organized Veteran’s Workshops for the brave soldiers who fought for our country years ago, and I have produced newsletters that provide updates to these men and women on benefits available to them. It was my work in this arena that has led veteran’s such John to contact me and request my assistance in helping them get the most out of the services and benefits available to them.

When John’s wife picked up the phone and told me how far the money would go in paying bills and managing debt, I fully realized the potential impact even a mere intern like myself can achieve. Something inside of me had changed since the day I sat by myself stuffing envelopes. I became a young man unwilling to let the days go by, and I learned the benefit of speaking up. When I return to the office tomorrow, I will return to a job I love. A job that has planted a seed for political action inside of me and taught me more lessons than any classroom ever could.

By Marite (Marite) on Saturday, October 02, 2004 - 08:06 am: Edit

>>I could barely make out the words of the man on the other end of the line. He was my first case, a man who had served in Vietnam that wouldn’t be able to survive without increased benefits for his military service. It was a man named John who had a wife and kids but who could not work, could hardly function in society, and who truly could not survive on the funds made available to him by the government. John was a man with post-traumatic stress disorder, partial paralysis, and haunting images of war plaguing his every thought. When his voice started to clear, I realized that this man who seemed tougher than nails was crying. The mail had just reached him, and a decision had been rendered on his appeal. Fifty thousand dollars in retroactive benefits, with a $250 increase each month. It meant the world to him, and he let me know as I sat smiling on the other end. >>

This is what you should start your essay with, but you should edit heavily.
>> He was my first case, a man who had served in Vietnam that wouldn’t be able to survive without increased benefits for his military service.>>
delete the "that"and replace with "but who."

>>It was a man named John who had a wife and kids but who could not work, could hardly function in society, and who truly could not survive on the funds made available to him by the government. >>
Delete.

>>John was a man with post-traumatic stress disorder, partial paralysis, and haunting images of war plaguing his every thought.>>
Replace with: "John suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder which prevented him from working and thus supporting his family."

>>It meant the world to him, and he let me know as I sat smiling on the other end. >> I would replace with "It meant the world to him, and he wanted to let me know."

Then move into flashback mode.
>>As I packed the envelope full of information and sent it out, it never crossed my mind that a man’s livelihood hung in the balance. Tax forms, military records, housing information; to me it was simply data, but in reality it was the determinant of one man’s financial security. As I sent out the package I still believed that my job was simply to advocate a cause; I had done it before, in campaigns, mock trials, and in every day life. What I realized when the decision came back, however, was that my job meant much, much more. >>
Edit so that it is consistent with using the anecdote as the beginning of your essay. This will be paragraph 3.

The chronology of the last two paragraphs is unclear. I suggest you start paragraph 4 with "Since then, I have organized... (delete the first sentence and the boastful "successfully"). You can mention that you are still working closely with Holli right after "I sat by myself stuffing envelopes." delete the next sentence; it detracts from your overall theme of providing assistance to people like John and instead suggests that the point of the essay is that you spoke up and made your job less boring (it's what you started with, but it is too self-absorbed a perspective to be appealing to adcoms). I suggest you delete the last three sentences and close with something suggesting that John's case had shown you the value of doing work that you had previously considered mundane or even tedious.

By Achat (Achat) on Saturday, October 02, 2004 - 09:50 am: Edit

I agree with Marite that it would look better if you could start with the phone call.

"but in reality it was the determinant of one man’s financial security. "

change 'it was the determinant of one man's financial security'

to 'it determined the man's financial security'.

I liked this version MUCH better than earlier versions.

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Saturday, October 02, 2004 - 06:29 pm: Edit

If you don't mind, could you tell me how this conclusion sounds??

When John’s wife picked up the phone and told me how far the money would go in paying bills and managing debt, I fully realized the potential impact even a mere intern like myself can achieve. Something inside of me had changed since the day I sat by myself stuffing envelopes. I have come to understand the value of working for others, and I have been exposed to the inner rewards of taking action for those in need. While at first something as ridiculous as wounded pride stood in the way of my embracement of a “mundane” job, it is now the pride in knowing what I can accomplish that has sparked an insatiable desire to help others. Even the simplest of jobs has taught me that motivation can be found anywhere.


By the way...Marite and Achat, your latest suggestions are great! I feel like I have totally revamped the essay without losing the key points. Thanks again.

By Marite (Marite) on Saturday, October 02, 2004 - 06:33 pm: Edit

Edited:

When John’s wife picked up the phone and told me how far the money would go in paying bills and managing debt, I realized the potential impact even a mere intern can achieve. Something inside me had changed since the day I sat by myself stuffing envelopes. I have come to understand the value of working for others, and I have been exposed to the inner rewards of taking action for those in need.

By Achat (Achat) on Saturday, October 02, 2004 - 10:36 pm: Edit

I was going to make some of the same suggestions. I would go with what Marite says.