"wat activity u continue&y" ASAP-critique please?





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Discus: Parents Forum: 2004 Archive - Part 2: "wat activity u continue&y" ASAP-critique please?
By Stuckat410 (Stuckat410) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 03:38 pm: Edit

which activity would you choose if you were to choose only one, and why

for umich...
please critique asap, since i am giving my application form tomorrow to my counselor


thanks everyone!

On a typical Saturday morning, the three praise band members and I can be found joking to each other, or critiquing the latest movie while setting up our various instruments and microphones to embark upon another session of practice. We are extremely close, thanks to the hours of Saturday morning practices and Sunday morning performances. I contribute to this band as the electric guitarist and vocalist, and would not give it up for anything. Guitar and music has been a part of the majority of my life, thanks to coming from a musical family. Being able to contribute my guitar skills to my church means a lot to me, since my religion has been important for the entirety of my life. I would definitely want to be a member of the praise band again, because producing great music with peers who become some of my closest friends is something I truly enjoy, and would do time and time again.

By Achat (Achat) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 08:42 pm: Edit

"Guitar and music has been a part of the majority of my life, thanks to coming from a musical family."
Don't use the term 'majority of my life'. Say 'has been a major part of my life because I come from a family of musicians'.

"Being able to contribute my guitar skills to my church means a lot to me, since my religion has been important for the entirety of my life."

This sentence is a repetition of the sentence preceeding it, just remove it.

"with peers who become some of my closest friends is something I truly enjoy"

Change to 'with peers who have become my closest friends'.

By Interesteddad (Interesteddad) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 08:54 pm: Edit

Is playing in the praise band one of the two best reasons you can give Michigan for believing that you will add to campus life?

If so, can you come up with some concrete example of your praise band enriching the lives of others? Or something that you have learned about teamwork or communication by playing music with others?

Or maybe some imagery or feelings that transport us to the audience for your praise band?

Or maybe a particular song whose meaning you finally understood after playing it for the fortieth time in church?

Or, could you use "praise band" as a hook to show us WHY religion is important in your day to day life and HOW your religion makes you a better person?

By Searchingavalon (Searchingavalon) on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 09:26 pm: Edit

"Guitar and music has been a part.." I think it's "have been..."

Maybe it's just me, but I didn't know what a "praise band" was, though I did figure it out by the end of the paragraph. Is there a phrase you could add to the beginning of the paragraph to clarify what kind of band this is.


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