Revised essays! sorry parents...





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Discus: Parents Forum: 2004 Archive - Part 2: Revised essays! sorry parents...
By Stuckat410 (Stuckat410) on Wednesday, September 15, 2004 - 04:54 pm: Edit

If you are undecided, what areas are you most interested in, and why? (approx 250 words)

I am not undecided, but undecisive. If the world ran my way, I would be a violin-playing pre-school teacher who is a pediatrician by day, and news broadcaster by night. But a quadruple major is next to impossible, therefore my top two choices are broadcasting and pediatrics.

I love kids. Though one may call me a kid at age 17, I beg to differ. I am nothing like my favorite 3-year old who enjoys laying me down to sing me to sleep, nor am resemblant of the angelic mini-humans who investigate the wonders behind my car keys. With my love for children comes a fascination in the medical field. Human life is miraculous: how each body part systematically works together to produce a healthy human being. So why not combine two of the things I have a deep interest in, and study pediatrics?

But my interest in the broadcasting world stops me from declaring a major just yet. It excites me to know that nothing will ever be the same if I were to work at a television station, because news is being made as I write, and as you read. The busy-ness of it all also appeals to me, as cameramen run to and fro in order to prep the cameras for the next news broadcast, and as the anchors shuffle through their notes for one last check. I want to film the news, broadcast the news, and write the news. I want to bring kids back to health. I want to do it all.

266 words
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At the University of Michigan, we are committed to building a superb educational community with students of diverse talents, experiences, opinions, and cultural backgrounds. What would you as an individual bring to our campus community? (approx 250 words)

As the jet ski bounces off the tips of each mountainous wave, I whoop out of exhilaration. "Faster!" I take a sharp breath in, as the words I scream are pushed right back into my mouth due to the speed of the jet ski. Then it flies over a new mountain range of waves, produced by one of the plethora of motorboats occupying the crystalline lake, causing a fresh new spray of water to gently lap at my face. Welcome to the world of jet-skiing: a new found glory of mine, born just this past summer.

Weird as it may seem, my school life is resemblant to that of a jet ski. When school starts out, I am much like the jet ski on idle being maneuvered out of the launching zone--meaning I silently attend each class, without so much of an utter past the terse "here" during attendance. But as the realization of a new school year hits me, I rev the engine in order to prep myself to plummet out of the launching zone--meaning I prepare myself for whatever might come my way during the duration of the school year. Then I shoot out into the lake, and tackle all assignments given to me with as much horsepower I can muster up. I am a hard worker, and will continue to be at the University of Michigan. Regardless of any waves that may cause the road to be bumpy at times, I will gear back up and shoot through the school year. Like the life jackets that keep us jet skiiers safe along the ride, I will be the life jacket to my classmates and help them through times of trouble. Maybe even create a jet-skiing club along the way.

And one last note. Where else can you find a Wolverine fan from Columbus, Ohio?

316 words
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Describe a setback or ethical dilemma that you have faced. how did you resolve it? how did the outcome affect you? if something similar happened in the future, how would you react?

“Kkkaaathhherrinneeee!" screams a high-pitched voice. I squat and brace myself for a violent hug, resembling a football player bracing himself for a charging linebacker. “Oof," I wheeze, as I fall onto the sparkling gym floor, which is so slippery that one can easily get hurt. As soon as I break free from Sylvia’s breath-taking (literally) embrace, she starts jabbering on about the week’s happenings. Following her speech comparable to William Henry Harrison’s in length, she fills me in on the new class bully, who is yet another addition for her growing “People I Hate Most" list.

Sylvia is a beautiful 8-year old adopted from Russia, recommended by both her teacher and parents to “The Lending Tree", a mentoring program for elementary school students. She was severely abused in Russia thus resulting in some developmental problems, warned my advisor, and was a headache to control. I shrugged these warnings off, thinking I could control all kids that dared to cross my path. But I was beyond wrong—if right is Florida, I was skiing out in Vermont. On one occasion, Sylvia nonchalantly suggested that I hold back that particular week's bully, so she and her friend could “kick the crap out of him." Of course I did not comply with her request, meaning my mentoring stopped right there and then for that particular day. One wrong move on my part results in her refusal to even look in my direction, let alone talk to me. I pleaded with her, begged her, even bribed her (with candy) to listen to me, but it was like communicating with mannequin. After a couple of weeks, I wanted to quit—switch mentees—anything. But one day, as Sylvia swung back and forth on her beloved monkey bars, skipping every other bar--which is strictly forbidden for safety's sake, she said something that changed everything. “I hate myself, I want to kill myself because I'm so stupid!" Upon hearing this, I wanted to grab her off the playground (since she was breaking the rules anyway) and hug all the built-up feelings of hate, negativity, and sadness out of her. Eight-year olds do not deserve to think such thoughts—no one, regardless of age, does.

Following that incident, I started seeing Sylvia in an entirely different light. Regardless of the rules she may break or the classmates she bullies, she had a dark past, something none of her classmates had endured. Just because she is eight years old does not mean she could not comprehend what had happened to her in the past, which is something I had naively thought. I grew to love her as a mentee, and willingly, not grudgingly, went to see her on a weekly basis. I cannot say that Sylvia is now a happy and obedient kid, but at least she knows that there is someone out there who genuinely cares for her. My patience grew tremendously as I worked with her, as did my will to work harder when things get tough. I became her support, her “big sister" and her friend. I know I have accomplished something when she looks up at me with her gorgeous hazel eyes and says “You're my best friend."

529 words

I'm sorry for posting for the millionth time, but I'm trying to get these done asap in order to send them within the next week or so... since everyone here urged me to apply as soon as possible for the university of michigan.

If I've been annoying you for posting so much, I apologize-

but to everyone else who is still willing to give me any critiques on these essays, thank you!!!:)

By Stuckat410 (Stuckat410) on Wednesday, September 15, 2004 - 06:20 pm: Edit

oops, spelling error- undecisive = indecisive...

By Achat (Achat) on Thursday, September 16, 2004 - 10:37 am: Edit

"Weird as it may seem, my school life is resemblant to that of a jet ski."
That is a stilted sentence. How about:
"my school life resembles that of a jet skier about to launch".

I thought your 'What can I contribute' was a bit shallow. Didn't you say you were of Japanese descent? Couldn't you use that as a hook, saying you bring unique perspectives to the college because of your ancestry and would add to the enormous diversity of the college? I would think that would be fascinating since there aren't too many Japanese immigrants to the US. Just a thought..

I personally think the other two essays are all right if you can't think of any other improvements. When you say you are indecisive, that is a negative but sometimes there isn't much harm in telling the truth. Most 17 year olds don't know what to do with their lives.

By Marite (Marite) on Thursday, September 16, 2004 - 11:00 am: Edit

There is a difference between being undecided and indecisive. The first is a temporary state, the second is a character trait. I doubt that adcoms look for someone who is prone to dithering, but they will totally understand that a 17-year old is open to new experiences and possibilities.
Also, "undecisive" is not a word.

By Achat (Achat) on Thursday, September 16, 2004 - 01:04 pm: Edit

Yes, I agree indecisive is negative. It would be preferable not to use that word at all. In fact, I liked the previous draft, where you just said you were 'undecided'.


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