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Do the parents on this board want their children to attend college reasonably one to three hours away from home or across the country (three hours plus)?

By Thedad (Thedad) on Tuesday, April 08, 2003 - 03:10 pm: Edit

Ideal, imo, would be 2-3 hours away. One hour is far too close...in both directions. As it happens, I'm resigned to a six-plus hour plane flight. Part of me wishes otherwise but I completely understand and support her objectives.

By Hautbois (Hautbois) on Tuesday, April 08, 2003 - 04:04 pm: Edit

I have enjoyed the distance we have for our son: it's a 5 1/2 hour drive. (Flying takes nearly the same amount of time!) I guess next year we'll have a slightly longer trip for our daughter, but it's still a manageable distance (I suspect we'll be more likely to fly there, but don't know for sure).

One hour is awfully close.

I've not had to deal with a greater distance. Our son was accepted to NYU but didn't go there. If he had, he would have been on campus on 9/11. I must say that I was glad to have him on this coast (and still at home at that point, actually) then, and wondered how I'd be dealing with him being in NYC instead.

By Morgantruce (Morgantruce) on Tuesday, April 08, 2003 - 05:33 pm: Edit

If your son or daughter is fortunate enough to find the *perfectly* matched school, gets admitted, and is accommodated financially---you would be foolish to nix the deal because the school is located across town or country. Getting all those planets to line up perfectly is very tough to do; demanding geographic precision as well is asking too much.

One of my daughters is at school 18 hours away by Greyhound. She has learned much from traveling that distance. My other daughter is going to be attending a school this fall that we can drive her to and back in just under one day.

One would think that both distances would afford a degree of independence. The truth is: distance has really little to do with the growth of independence. Not too long ago a greater majority of students commuted to college, got their degrees, and went on to live productive, independent lives.

We probably all know of several unfortunate examples of students who were unable to deal with the sudden responsibility of living a distance from home. The two cases that I know of that come to mind involve parents who were not at all surprised to find little Johnny back at their door at the end of one semester. The point is-- if your child has found an undue fascination for irresponsible behavior while in high school, sending him three states away to a well-known party college might not be the wisest choice. He's also going to have problems attending a community college.

Distance from home is relative. The real question is: What "distance" will your child have to reach out to act responsibly?

By Wadad (Wadad) on Tuesday, April 08, 2003 - 09:57 pm: Edit

It depends on the college student. Unless there are special concerns that require more than usual support from the parents, I think at least 3 hours drive away is best. I don't want them to come home at the drop of a hat. They (and we) need to adjust to our new independence.

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 01:40 pm: Edit

Everyone's situation is different so I just will share ours. I am not concerned about my daughter separating. To the contrary, she has spent the past six summers away from home and loves it. She likes calling and staying in contact but is never homesick and I know she is very much looking forward to college. We did not put any restrictions on her as to location (or anything other college aspect for that matter). Of her own vilition, she has said she wants to stay on the East Coast (we live in Vermont). She gave as her reason that it would be easier for when she would need to come home periodicially, to be able to drive, than if she were across the country which she found would be more limitting that way and costly to boot. If she had wanted to, however, we would have said fine. Right now, all the colleges on her list (she's a junior) are within 7 hours drive from us. She also says she does not want to go to college in Vermont, her reason being that though she likes living here, she wants to experience something else. I can understand that. I even remember when we moved to Vermont prior to even having kids, thinking that it was a great place to grow up but when they go to college, it will be a positive thing to experience another lifestyle so they can be more informed down the line in adulthood as to what they like as a place to live. That seems to be what she has thought to do on her own. Of course, that rules out some good schools like Middlebury. Also, I believe she will be valedictorian of our school and in Vermont, all vals get offered a complete full four year scholarship ride to University of Vermont. Let me tell you, that will be hard to turn down (she does not even intend to apply) as I do not have the first penny saved for college yet! We shall find a way (I hope). But, I can see why she does not want to attend UVM....though it is regarded well....cause she feels she did not have to work this hard if she were going to go there, the level of challenge with the student body is likely not what she is hoping for, it does not have her intended major (architecture), and she really wants to live outside VT for college. A lesser reason is she hopes to still ski race in college and she could never make the top ranked UVM team. So, that is the thinking here. It could always change but for now, her list still consists of schools in the east.
Susan

PS...I saw that Washington Univ. in St. Louis has architecture but her response was....mom, there is no skiing in Missouri....so back to her list which is a fine list anyway...just trying to make sure we did not miss any schools worth considering given her interests. ;-)

By Thedad (Thedad) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 01:47 pm: Edit

Susan, your daughter and skiing is a lot like mine and ballet. Mine also wants to experience living somewhere else, which I respect. A lot of good schools get eliminated that way but that's what the process is designed to do. I only wish mine had more "good fit" and "safety" schools on her list.

By Kmom (Kmom) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 03:17 pm: Edit

It's nice to find this thread - as we're close to realizing that #1 son may be 1200 miles from home come September. I THINK he'll be fine with it - he's a very independent kid. I am only waking in a panic once or twice a week , instead of the every-night pattern when I first realized this was likely!

Seriously - if there are any parents with suggestions on the logistics of settling your "young adult" far away from home, please share.

I know I will be fine if he is!

Thanks

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 03:24 pm: Edit

Thedad...I hear ya on the target and safety schools. I am getting a bit concerned just cause even if my daughter (yours too) has the kind of qualifications to get into the schools on her list, the chances just keep appearing so slim with admissions to these challenging colleges and the stories coming out of rejections of many fine fine students like herself! She is number one in the class and she hears that this year's val got rejected to her choice schools supposedly only got into Evergreen State! scary, huh? Some on these forums seem to apply to NUMEROUS schools, as many as 15, oy yoy yoy! Right now, my daughter has seven schools on her list....and visited them all. She used to have nine but has since eliminated Cornell and Carnegie Mellon as their architecture programs are professional five year BArch and she now wants the preprofessional degree in architecture (like any other major) and then grad. school for MArch. She just is not 100% certain to make the kind of committment to this major that the professional five year programs demand even upon applying. So, that brought the list down to seven. While there are many schools she could be very happy at (her starting list had 30), this is completely narrowed down by her desire to major in architecture and many schools do not have that major. Should for some reason, she change her mind for a major, the schools on her list offer a myriad of other choices but vice versa would not be true at a place, say, like Amherst or Williams. I have tried to explore if there are any other schools that meet her needs/interests. I have mentioned MIT to her which had been eliminated early on from her list as she wants more of a liberal arts college/university and not one that is slanted overall to the sciences/technology....though they have great architecture there. Of course, here I would love to add more target schools and MIT is not exactly that! Then last night I was reading Smith's site (thought of you). My daughter has said from day one she wants a coed school so I highly doubt she will look at Smith. However, upon reading the site in depth, so much else about the school she would love. They actually have architecture as a major. The housing set up seems like something she would like (she is attracted to the residential college system at Yale and Smith is kinda a house within the college as far as living goes a bit, it appears.) Also they have a ski team she could make and a tennis team she likely could make, as well as dance, music, and other stuff she does. Two girls from our small high school are freshmen now at Smith...both were good students....one was the lead in the musical last year with my younger daughter. We also know a good ski racer from our town who skis for Smith's team (is a top rated deaf ski racer actually). I will tell my daughter about Smith despite it being all girls...given the proximity of the other colleges, but not sure she would want to consider it and besides, it is not exactly a safety school....I'd call it a target for her.

Right now, her list has.....Princeton, Yale, Penn, Brown, Tufts, Connecticut College, and Lehigh. The last two are her safeties but I am fully aware that these are not totally givens cause they are not easy schools either but for a student like her, they seem to be safeties but I am thinking with how things are going, ya just never know! I feel she will get in somewhere. I hope having just seven will be ok. I mean seven SHOULD be but am starting to wonder with the admission rates lately if that is a safe number and these schools are not exactly predictable. She may go for ED or EA somewhere, still to be determined. Luckily she likes each school on that list, and that is best in my view as she may have little choice when all is said and done and no sense pining away for just one dream place. I'll ask her about MIT and Smith...maybe she will want to add two just in case but she should not if she is truly not interested in those places. I think a child should only apply to schools she feels she would like to attend. I guess she could use more target schools too, like you say in your case.

Yesterday, I ran into her chemistry honors teacher in the store (I believe my child is her top student with a 99 average) and one thing led to another and she is astounded that I could even feel a little apprehensive whether or not my daughter can get into these schools. She was like, "you cannot be honestly concerned? She is so exceptional, she will get into the best schools." And I am like, "she has the credentials but so does everyone else and it seems like many are rejected who are just as exceptional." She has been a teacher for years but I wonder if she truly realizes that my daughter is not a shoo-in anywhere! People look at my child I think as an applicant who has everything going for her...I mean I do not know what else the child can do that she does not already....but from educating myself and reading these forums, I am starting to wonder. I still feel confident she will get in some places, just she will not be able to pick which one on her list. Thankfully she is pleased with each one after visiting. Also, a girl at our dance studio in the dance troupe my younger child is in, is val at her high school and applied to many good schools and from talking to her at dance last night....I do not think she got into any of them but her safety....Goucher! Ouch....even waitlisted at Vassar. I don't know about you, but such stories are alarming when I have a val in my house who does many of the same things as this girl....dancer, musician and student government, and so forth....and does three varsity sports on top of that. Makes ya wonder.......

Let me know what your daughter thinks of Smith. From what you have shared, I think she has a strong chance at Smith and Barnard and these are more in her target range. I know girls from here who have gone to Barnard....great students, were not the top student in the class, however. Both were dancers. Good luck on your trip.

We have opening night tomorrow night for my freshman daughter's musical, Into the Woods. On same day, both my girls are performing with their dance troupes out of town during the day...will be some day. My younger one choreographed one of the dances actually herself and I have not seen it yet....I will be warming the audience seats day and night in the coming days. That's the parent job!
Susan

By Thedad (Thedad) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 03:54 pm: Edit

Susan, correctomundo that Smith and Barnard are in my daughter's target range. George Washington is a demi-safety and Mount Holyoke and UC Irvine are the safeties. NYU is a demi-reach and Harvard, Yale, Columbia, Georgetown, and Stanford are all lottery tickets though I have just the funniest feeling I can't shake that she'll get in a Georgetown.

Let me give you some nuggets about Smith, which for your daughter is third-hand: we went to a preview party at the beginning of January and the 15 current students attending the party were the best advertising that any college could hope for. It's quite clear that social opportunities with guys are not lacking. It has *become* clear that the lesbian contingent is not a problem if you're straight and wish to remain that way...if you want an absolutely terrific e-mail on the subject from the mom of a current student, let me know...this had been a concern of mine. (However, if you're not gay-tolerant, you might have some problems. But that's probably true at a lot of the New England colleges.)

But where I saw the cartoon lightbulb go off over daughter's head was when one of the young women said that when she attends class at Amherst, she knows the women there have to be bright--otherwise they wouldn't be there--but they just let themselves be overshadowed in class by the guys and that that doesn't happen with Smith women. Bingo...my daughter has already experienced guys who aren't comfortable with a female having strong opinions in class participation. I've got to say, initially a "women's college" was the furthest thing from her mind. She is also intrigued by the lack of core requirements and what this would allow her to do in selecting courses...a complete antitheses of her other favorite, Columbia.

My take as a parent on Smith is that it's an absolutely superb place for young women to develop...a very asymmetrical comparison with Harvard, Yale, or Columbia which offers other things...not that Smith's academics are shabby at all.

Btw, all the students at the party said that they just loved the house system.


Kmom, has your son ever been away from home before?

By Emeraldkity4 (Emeraldkity4) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 04:01 pm: Edit

My daughter limited herself to our region when looking at colleges for reasons of her own. ( weather- percieved snob factor I imagine). She gained admittance to all of her schools so I suspect, she could have had a few reach schools on her list, but how many reach schools are in the Pacific Northwest anyway?
She has spent every summer since middle school teaching riding at a residential camp,but that is fairly close by and she often came home during the breaks.
I think most of her graduating class, remained on this coast, although several are in the midwest and a couple on the east coast. I admit it has been nice being able to have a fairly short drive ( 3 & 1/2 hrs with no traffic) when picking her up in the spring and driving her back down in the fall. ( She doesn't have a car, there is really no reason too, Portland has fantastic public transportation and it isn't worth the hassle and expense to bring a car)
I have also taken her sister down several times on the train to see her during school breaks which has been nice as she really misses her. If it required airfare, it would be a little bigger deal.
Then again sometimes it needs to be a bigger deal. One friend never did get acclimated to Reed, because she never gave herself a chance. She drove back to Seattle virtually every weekend to see her boyfriend, she has since transferred to another school.

By Emeraldkity4 (Emeraldkity4) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 04:13 pm: Edit

On the logistics of attending school across the country I have a couple suggestions.
contact roommate once known and decide who is bringing what_ tvs rice cookers whatever you might share.
Some things that are needed like extra long twin sheets can be a pain to find, but web sites like Bed bath and beyond has all the stuff for dorm rooms ,and you can have it shipped there instead of at home.
Other stuff can also be purchased around campus but double check accessibilty first for those rural schools.
Only take what is needed for the first few months, other clothes can be boxed up and shipped later or purchased once they see what is wanted.
We were able to drive everything down, but still had to run to fred meyer as much was forgotten. The school bookstores also often have dorm packages , like sheets, hangers etc.
Most kids do have their parents fly out or drive out with them for the initial move in period and for convocation.
However, just help them bring in the boxes, don't organize, just leave it. They need to own their room, and they will be proud to show it off when you come back for parents weekend.

By Mike (Mike) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 05:33 pm: Edit

Well Reed, U of W and Whitman are top notch tier ones in the NW. Biggest temptation for me to leave the area is the possibility of scholorships for out of area LACs. SAT/act scores in the midwest tend to be lower there for 1st tier.

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 06:57 pm: Edit

Thedad....thought I would followup with you. Just got to see my daughter briefly....lol...in between her tennis team practice and her piano lesson...gotta catch 'em when you can. SHE said to ME before I said a word, that now she wants to look into MIT afterall....is not sure why she had cut it off her original list. I think when I told her they have a varsity ski team, her eyebrows raised, as well as an excellent architecture school. She also likes Cambridge...has been many times...liked Harvard but will not apply since no undergraduate architecture design...but still has Tufts right next to Cambridge on her list. My husband and I lived in Cambridge the first four years of our marriage....I was still going to Tufts (married very young) and he had graduated Tufts but was in a four year graduate school in Boston. I went on for my masters at Harvard, so we know Cambridge real well and I know she does like that area too. So, MIT has a ski team she likely could make. The only school on her list with a varsity ski team is Brown...she might be able to make that one too...the rest have club ski teams that compete against other colleges and she said that was fine...just does not want to give up the ECs she has done her entire life.

So, while we were on the subject....I told her I knew she never wanted an all girls school but told her stuff I learned about Smith and given that it is nearby and shares stuff with the other colleges...and how it has architecture....the housing system, and a varsity ski team (she knows one girl on it from here). Well, lo and behold she says she is definitely now interested in checking it out and acknowledges she really would not know what an all girls school is like having never been to one and wants to look into it....told her stuff you shared. So there you go! That would add two schools to her list. Granted they are not safeties...Smith is target I think and MIT is still reach but the main thing is that it might be safer to have more than seven to apply to only cause of how unpredictable admissions is in the category of top level schools she has on her list. Now she wants to visit these two schools but frankly she cannot miss any more school....has to miss for ski races, All States in music, dance shows, tennis tourneys and each weekend is booked up and college is almost out and it is best to visit when in session. These two schools are about 3 1/2 hours each from us and so I told her at least we saw the seven on her list and we could see these two in the fall if we had to and she agreed. I guess there is late summer when she gets back but I would rather visit when students are there, plus she knows three girls from here who go to Smith no less.

So, thanks for sharing....it made me look into it further and it has been hard to find schools that are challenging that also have architecture. A few are just too huge for her taste such as UMichigan and so forth. The kind of curriculum at Smith sounds a little similar to Brown and she does like Brown. Last year a set of twins from our school (boy and girl, boy was valedictorian)...one went to Brown ED and the sister twin went to Smith ED. So, there are kids from our school that got in....never something to ignore. We do not attend a school where kids are applying to many of these top tier schools at all. So, we are far far far from a feeder school or one that the adcoms are real familiar with ! On the other hand, there is something to be said being from rural VT and not just another kid from Exeter, Deerfield, or Westchester County, etc. where tons of applicants compete with one another. Who knows....

Let us know about Smith when you return. Also, she is a dancer, just does not do ballet (my other daughter does, however).
Susan

By Emeraldkity4 (Emeraldkity4) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 07:04 pm: Edit

I would agree that academically Whitman, Reed probably Evergreen and the UW are the tops in the Northwest.
But considering the numbers of competitive LACs and U's in say the Northeast and obviously the Northwest can't compare.
Thats what I meant by saying that she really didn't have any reach schools. While Reed is getting much more competitive for admission, still most people off the street have never heard of it ( unless they watch the Sopranos), and since some people gauge schools by where they are ranked with US News, they can have a little attitude regarding Reed. It doesn't bother me though, I certainly didn't suggest schools to her for their "name" value.

You may find the same thing if you choose to go to a highly regarded school in the midwest like Carleton or Macalester.
But those who are in academia know about them, it's just that the man off the street doesn't.

By Thedad (Thedad) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 07:17 pm: Edit

Susan, will do. Slightly more than 87 hours until the taxi comes calling to take us to the airport....
Too much to do, too much to do....

One thing I'll add about Smith: virtually every interaction has been at a higher level than it "had" to be, if you know what I mean. The level of personal attention and interest is...head turning.
I don't think daughter is *really* being recruited but it sure feels that way.

By Mike (Mike) on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 - 07:31 pm: Edit

Reed appears to do well for kids with grad schools in mind. Whitman's rep appears as good as many NE LACs at attracting top students. LACs size tend to make them not well known to the general public. Doesn't mean that they don't lead to top grad schools. If your daughter was accepted at Reed or Whitman she could have gotten into many other top LACs in the US.

Collge names appear more important on the East coast then on the west. And the regional names appear more impressive close up. No doubt Stanford has as much "prestige" on the west coast as Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Columbia and a lot more then the remaining Ivies.

I can't imagine picking a school based on the US News listings and I doubt people hire you based on that info. After all at least one of the Comprehensive top tier schools in the west is locally a joke in my community

By Kmom (Kmom) on Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 12:57 pm: Edit

Emeraldkity - thanks for the logistical advice. Throughout the admission process I was envisioning this move occuring by car to a school 4 hours away or so... Now we're debating fly vs. drive, who goes along, shipping, buying stuff when we get there, etc.

Thedad- DS attended a HS journalism conference in Dallas last fall - did just fine. He has also done quite well on his own when he's home and we travel (with people to check on him)- in fact he looks forward to it. He's a very independent and mature kid, but also likes the security of his home base. I had anticipated that a school 3-4 hours away would allow him to come home occasionally, without becoming a security blanket. Now we're looking at much longer stretches away - and we all have mixed feelings about that!
Thanks for the interesting postings on Smith - I have a very bright and underchallenged 7th grader; going through this college admissions process with DS#1 has given me new perspectives on helping plan for her future as well. We've considered the options of a women's college - she's interested - so your insights are very helpful to file away.

By Tsdad (Tsdad) on Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 02:48 pm: Edit

Well, loquacious bunch aren't we?

We're in Virginia. In August my son will be starting college in LA. He has been going away from home during the summers since 4th grade and spent last summer in the Czech Republic.

He is beginning to get very concerned about this move, and insists that he wants us near him. We'll be retiring the year he graduates. He's been told that we'll move out if he has a career that keeps him in California, which we expect since we're sending him out there to go to film school

By Thedad (Thedad) on Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 03:23 pm: Edit

Tsdad, where in L.A.? If you need a local resource, touch base, even buy a meal for a starving student, drop me an e-mail.

I've been deeply touched, just short of astounded, at all the kindness I've received from people who know me only from on-line: a dinner with information, a daughter meeting us before a tour to talk about dance, an ex-wife(!) of someone at another school meeting us for lunch. Wow.

By Norwegianwood (Norwegianwood) on Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 03:43 pm: Edit

My daughter will be graduating from an international school in europe this June. She has been admitted to several schools in the U.S. (Colby, Bowdoin, Wellesley), and recieved generous financial aid packages. She has also had offers in the U.K.. The distance issue is a problem for me, less so for her. She has lived own her own during the week, in a small flat in the city where her school is located. She comes home on weekends. She has been doing this since she was 16. I am an expat. who hasn't lived in the States for over 20 years. The terror situation frightens me. Any advice out there?

By Elleneast (Elleneast) on Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 04:14 pm: Edit

Regarding school locations and distance:
Of course I wanted my daughter to apply to the local community college so we could still have coffee from time to time. :-) Knowing her dislike of winter weather I naturally assumed that she would want to look at Southern and West Coast schools. We live near a major airport so I was not terribly concerned about the logistics of getting her anywhere she wanted to go. My thought was - rather than the nine hour drive which some of her friends will have to New England, how about a five hour flight to the West Coast or a two hour flight South? She nixed that idea almost immediately by deciding to stay within driving distance. As we got farther along in the college visiting process she figured out what she wanted....learning as much from the schools she actively disliked as those that she liked. As last summer ended she refined her preferences to urban and mid to large schools in the Northeast (considering the fact that she is always freezing, I was floored). Her top schools eventually became Brown, Yale and Columbia. Columbia's core curriculum (with a guaranteed small class size) and it's NYC location became the determining factors for her early decision application. If she had not been accepted, she would have applied to 8 or 9 other schools. Some of these would have been smaller schools in New England. Smallish might not have been her original desire but a couple of them held some appeal and would have given her a broad based pool of applications in the second round. None of her choices were truly dependable back up schools but I have yet to hear of anyone getting totally shut out....as long as they applied to a broad selection of schools within their range.

My daughter's class is pretty much done with the college application process and I have noticed that the kids who are least satisfied with their results are those whose parents allowed/encouraged them to fixate on one school or the Harvard/Yale/Princeton grouping, with no thought about the "fit" of student to school. One thing that I have learned is that there are a bunch of terrific schools out there. Finding backup schools is the real difficulty as no school is a shoe-in these days.


This is a really useful board for the parents of Juniors and Sophs. You are thoughtful parents who are encouraging your kids to think about multiple schools at slightly different levels of selectivity within their academic range. That is soooo important. Many, many kids with great credentials are not getting into their "first choice" schools, but there are mostly happy stories to tell about kids who end up at their other choices.

By Thedad (Thedad) on Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 05:53 pm: Edit

Norwegianwood, the "terror" situation is vastly overrated. The greatest actual damage since 9/11 has been heart attacks from stress over "Yellow" or "Orange" alerts. Far more prudent to worry about a drunk driver on the highway than a terror incident, imo.

By Tenisghs (Tenisghs) on Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 06:00 pm: Edit

Wow! My thread had generated a lot of positive responses. =)

By Elleneast (Elleneast) on Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 06:10 pm: Edit

Norwegianwood, ITA with Thedad. That being said, you will see more police in areas of high traffic (touristy areas in major cities and at airports) than in the past.

By Boysmom (Boysmom) on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 07:34 am: Edit

I feel I must defend going to school close by. My second son had options all over the country. Briefly considered Notre Dame, but he had been a UMich fan since childhood and had his heart set on it. The fact that he could get there in 45 minutes didn't deter him from attending the school of his dreams and an excellent university. He absolutely loves it and comes home no more often than the kids who went much further away. On the other hand, he CAN if he wants (like to take his girlfriend to her senior prom). Every kid is different, and if they need to go further away to gain independence, then let them. But if they are already mature and independent, sending them close bu won't change that. His cousin who went across the country because his mom felt he needed to, came back at the end of the semester. You can't force maturity.

By Tsdad (Tsdad) on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 08:20 am: Edit

Thedad:

Thanks for the offer. My son will be at USC. We'll miss him, but it's the best place for him considering what he wants to do with his life.

I believe that you raise them and then you let them go. Granted 18 is a little early for the letting go part.

By Jenniferpa (Jenniferpa) on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 08:24 am: Edit

I agree with Boysmom: even kids at school close to home do not necessarily spend more time there than others further away. Case in point: a friend has two sons, one at college in CA, one no more than an hour away here in PA. He only sees the one here when he actually drives to the school himself, whereas the other comes home on a fairly regular basis.

Personally, I really, really want my daughter at least 3 hours away, and I'm almost prepared to move myself to make that the case LOL.

Elleneast: I also was convinced that my daughter would want a warmer climate, since she also is freezing all the time (is this a girl thing?), but she's actually more interested in schools here in the north. Perhaps there's an element of the devil you know at work here?

By Tenisghs (Tenisghs) on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 08:59 am: Edit

Jenniferpa, I am 18 years old and I have extreme anxiety about leaving home.
I live in Michigan, and I'm basically deciding between two schools: Northwestern University and University of Michigan.
I'm so happy that I started this thread because it basically depends on the distance factor.

UofMich is only 45 minutes from home. Northwestern is five hours from home. (Driving-time)
My parents want me to make the decision, but I've never been away from home for such an extended period of time.
Heck, I don't even go to sleepovers for I want my own privacy and my parents not far. My mom made a joke for me to attend the local college that is only five minutes away.

I know I will have to develop into an independent person. My friends say that due to my homesick anxiety that I should stay in Michigan for my undergraduate education, even if the school has 35,000 people. (My graduating class is 80 people!) I don't like the fact that my fear of leaving my parents will deteremine where I should go to school. Northwestern is obviously a great place, and I like the smaller size. I just don't want to mess up, and realize that my parents are not there for me.

Basically, I don't think I'm ready to let go of my parents.

By Thedad (Thedad) on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 09:58 am: Edit

Tenisghs, *part* of the going to college process *is* messing up, messing up in a fairly secure environment that lets you learn how to recover from messing up and then [one hopes] mess up less frequently.

By Kmom (Kmom) on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 10:15 am: Edit

Tenisghs,

Only you can decide what you can live with. There are some kids who just don't do well being away from home, and that's fine. But if you feel that you'd like to develop more independence in a relatively "safe" environemnt -that's what college is for.
Being 5 hours away will not make you let go of your parents. Though it will change your relationship, that change may be for the better as you develop wings. Being 45 minutes from home might make it a little too easy to revert back to security when you face challenges. And when you really need the break of a visit to home, 5 hours away isn't all that bad. My advice as a mom - Follow your instincts - don't let fear influence you, but be realistic and honest with yourself about what it is you really want .
Good luck!

By Tenisghs (Tenisghs) on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 11:58 am: Edit

I look at my best friends who will attend out-of-state schools (George Washington, Cornell, Penn, Columbia, Dartmouth, and even another Northwestern) and how one of their reasons include a new perspective of life OUTSIDE Michigan. A lot of kids in my school for unstrange reason want to get out of Michigan ASAP lol. Like Michigan is a given if you're in-state. I don't know how they can do it, but maybe I can do it as well. I am such an introverted person when it comes to my privacy and comfort zone.

If I look at my parents, they will rather see me at the five-hour-distance school to develop independence than to stay at Michigan. I will be home probably once a week (the school has nasty food; I will cry for my mother's pork chops heh). People say that "Oh, even though Michigan has 35,000 students, you will meet so many different people!" True, but with a campus as large as it is, I think people will tend to stick with their own groups and cliques than to intermingle with the unknown. At Northwestern, many people will force themselves to become social; majority of the students are not from the Chicago-metro area.

By Autodidact (Autodidact) on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 11:58 am: Edit

Tenighs: There's physical distance and emotional distance--and they are quite distinct. I know kids who feel secure, loved, an close to their parents when thousands of miles away and others who feel they are separated by insurmountable emotional distance when sitting in the same room. If you have a close relationship with your parents now, it will not change if you are separated for college--they'll love you wherever you go. There's the phone, the internet, audio tapes, video tapes--and you can always meet somewhere in the middle if you really need a hug. Home is a secure cocoon, but it's time to spread your wings and take those initial flights which will allow you to soar. Have faith, take heart, and go for it. Best of luck!

By Emeraldkity4 (Emeraldkity4) on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 04:18 pm: Edit

I have a daughter who has an anxiety disorder, ( she is almost 13), until recently she could not get to sleep at all by herself ( woke up many times during the night if she slept at all) it manifests itself in other ways also, but she has gone to away camp since she was 8, it is the sleeping alone she doesn't like, not that she needs her parents.
Recently she had a school assignment where she had to prepare a biographical speech of 7 minutes and give it in costume to the entire middle school.
Since she is in special ed for the anxiety, I asked her teacher if she could give the speech just to her instead of the whole school. However, the teacher wanted all of the students to have the same assignment, and perfoming in front of the audience was part of it.
Long story is she did great. I snuck in to see her performance, and even though she was bumped up to the first one, she did fantastic, and was very proud.
doing things that are a little scary for us, is how we grow, sticking to the safe path, only reinforces our weaknesses.
I am not for advocating that everyone who is afraid of heights become a window washer, but conquering fears, in reasonable steps is very empowering.
My parents raised me to be afraid of the water.
Living in an area surrounded by water, this was not practical. I began to meet my fear, by going on river rafting trips, the excitement, helped me get over it quickly.
COllege is a safe place, to move into the next stage of your life, to meet new people, and try on new aspects of your self that perhaps those that are close to you might squelch.
Change is scary and stressful even when you are looking forward to it, but don't back away from it just because it's a little uncomfortable at first.

By Autodidact (Autodidact) on Saturday, April 12, 2003 - 03:08 am: Edit

Well said, Emeraldkity! If separation doesn't take place as a natural order of things, life --and particularly marriage down the line--will prove difficult too. I don't remember who said it but I remember the paraphrased quote: It is not because an undertaking is difficult, that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare, which makes any undertaking difficult. Go for it!

By Nyugrad (Nyugrad) on Sunday, April 13, 2003 - 10:14 pm: Edit

In this age of cell phones, beepers and internet, parents and kids are only a phone call or e-mail away.

By Calmom (Calmom) on Wednesday, April 16, 2003 - 08:49 pm: Edit

My son is on the east coast, I'm on the west, and I am VERY GLAD he chose to go so far. I had a very hard time the first semester he was gone, missing him - but I got used to it. I talk to him by phone frequently - there was a 3-hour call on our phone bill last month when he was talking to his sister, I can't imagine why they would spend 3 hours on the phone. I got my son a cell phone with free nationwide calling and virtually unlimited evening & weekend minutes, so he doesn't have to worry about expense of calling me. (I know from the phone bill that he really does use the phone primarily for calling home, he uses the dorm phone for local calls). With IM we are pretty much "aware" of one another's presence (online) almost all of the time.

The reason that I am glad my son went far is that he was born & raised in the SF Bay area, and it simply is expanding his horizons and experience to spend time living on the east coast. He probably will come back, eventually -- he misses the ethnic diversity and the warm weather of California -- but basically for a kid who grew up in one place in a fairly sheltered lifestyle, it's nice for him to be able to spread his wings a little.

I actually think that with distance, our relationship is somewhat better than it would be if he attended school close enough to take coming home for granted. I mean, he doesn't view our house as a place to do laundry, and when he comes home or calls he spends time talking to ME - I probably spend more time engaged in real conversation these days with my son than with my teenage daughter, who still lives at home but habitually walks in the front door, goes straight to her room, shuts the door, fires up the computer & phones her friends. (Possibly, the only way to have a conversation with a teenager may be via phone or instant messaging, hence the advantage of putting a little distance between parent & kid).