The prez of the college said WHAT?





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Discus: Parents Forum: 2004 Archive - Part 2: The prez of the college said WHAT?
By Aparent4 (Aparent4) on Sunday, September 12, 2004 - 09:12 pm: Edit

A friend with a d at a LAC says the prez said to put away the cell phones. Prez says there are too many conversations between mothers and daughters! Sounds like Big Brother to me...

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Sunday, September 12, 2004 - 09:21 pm: Edit

Wow, that comment about mothers and daughters is pretty pathetic! My daughter has called home five times in the past 12 days of college and I have treasured each call as she has chosen to call to tell me of her daily adventures for every few days, raving about how wonderful each thing has been and how happy she is. Ya know that is priceless or at the least, worth the 40K tuition!

I can see the President asking that cell phones not be on in class or in certain buildings and so forth and that she might be frustrated to see kids walking around with these on their ears constantly but the comment regarding moms/daughters is quite off the mark. I think what many are doing who walk around with cells is talking to friends or making arrangements as a form of communication available today. I don't think she is seeing girls calling mom while walking around the campus. Most likely go some place to do that and it is not impacting their participation with the activities at hand. She should be encouraging kids to touch base with their families, if anything.

My daughter is so busy and I am grateful she has chosen to even fit in calling home. She is not relying on calling home for support or is not in the least bit homesick but wants to share her excitement and happenings on campus as we can't do that on a regular basis at home anymore. She WANTS to share about it and I naturally am dying to hear about what she is doing and all that too. I cannot imagine discouraging this in a million years! Is that pres a mommy? I have heard some college presidents and some directors of admissions or some deans speak when I have visited campuses with my daughter, be it for admitted student events, etc. Several have been excellent and have actually touched upon the parent part of this experience and have mentioned being parents themselves and so I could tell they could relate to that perspective. This pres above does not seem to be a parent!

Susan

By Aparent4 (Aparent4) on Sunday, September 12, 2004 - 09:54 pm: Edit

"She is not relying on calling home for support or is not in the least bit homesick but wants to share her excitement and happenings on campus"

Susan, that's my experience, too. And she does call while walking around campus...because reception from her room is almost nonexistent!

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Sunday, September 12, 2004 - 09:56 pm: Edit

Aparent, actually my D is not calling us from her room either, I do not think. Reception in her room seems spotty. It seems to work near her pillow, that is about it. She says she can receive calls and it is not that much of a problem but if she knows she needs to make a call, especially a longer type one to me, she goes elsewhere to call.
Susan

By Alongfortheride (Alongfortheride) on Sunday, September 12, 2004 - 10:21 pm: Edit

I guess that's it's a matter of personal perspective, but the Assoc. Dean of Engineering at my son's school said that he thought the proliferation of cell phones had served to reduce the sometimes destructive effects of homesickness. And I agree with you, Aparent4, this is Big Brother. Your friend is paying tuition to the school to educate her daughter, not make sweeping pronouncements on the appropriateness of family relationships.

By Barrons (Barrons) on Sunday, September 12, 2004 - 11:57 pm: Edit

Learning to break away can be part of an education.

By Emeraldkity4 (Emeraldkity4) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 12:02 am: Edit

so what school was this ?

By Mimk6 (Mimk6) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 12:40 am: Edit

How is it any of his business if it's not impacting instruction? My D did call me upset this week -- overwhelmed with her first paper and feeling homesick. So what? She comes to me when she's upset at home why should she not call me if she's upset across the country? Why shouldn't she call me if she just wants to chat? It's not like he's paying the phone bill.

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 12:58 am: Edit

"Learning to break away can be part of an education."

You can be very secure in separating and breaking away but still want to maintain a relationship with close family members! In my own family, my kids have gone away every summer for YEARS and neither ever got homesick (not knocking those who do but just saying this is not the case with these kids). My older D who just left for college, I am not worried about whatsoever in terms of her breaking away or being on her own or feeling homesick. However, she wants to stay in touch in our relationship and share her happy daily news and happenings. In fact, besides her wanting to share with us, she knows how much we love to hear from her and she would call even just to make us happy to hear from her.

I am 47 and my mother expects to hear from me often too (lives in different state) and is upset if I do not call as often as she deems is appropriate. This has nothing to do with breaking away or separation. I left home back when I was 18 and married at 20. But long distance relationships in a family are a good thing to maintain by staying in touch. While I agree that breaking away is important, I do not think calling home, particularly for those who are not homesick or not dependent on mom and dad so much, is a bad thing. In fact, I think it is a sign of a healthy loving relationship. Plus, as I mentioned, if it gives the parents pleasure, particularly in light of the investment, to hear from their child, it is the least they can do to give back. I would hate to see the issue of "breaking away" and being independent, etc. be tied to not calling home very much.
Susan

By Frazzled_One (Frazzled_One) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 06:47 am: Edit

After three years of rather sporadic communication, my college senior daughter finally got a reliable cell phone with a generous plan this summer, and now calls me 3 or 4 times a week. I am loving it, of course! She had a summer job at school this summer and often had to walk home after 9 PM; though it's a safe area, I told her I'd be happy to keep her company as she walked home, and we got into the habit of talking almost every night. Since she's had 3 years of "separating," our relationship has evolved beyond what it was during her freshman year, when I would have loved more frequent phone calls but didn't get them. Yet I know friends with daughters who call quite often during their first weeks away from school, and what's wrong with that?

As for the prez' comments - jeez! Doesn't he/she have more pressing business than clucking about cell phone use? I say, if a kid calls to talk to Mom at this point in her life, she either really wants to or really needs to.

By Bookworm (Bookworm) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 08:13 am: Edit

Maybe this Prez's comment more a projection from his/her own life, e.g. being caught up in caretaking. Either she running to an ill Mo, or wife ignoring him to be with ailing mom. After all, Prez's have personal life, and if this one bothered by a mom who calls frequently, and interrupts busy day of a Prez, the annoyance gets displayed.
probably stupid thought, but can't figure why anyone would see a gal on cell phone and assume she is talking to her mom, rather than a g/f or b/f.

By Rhonda63 (Rhonda63) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 08:28 am: Edit

W/o more info, I wouldn't assume the president was issuing a Big Brother type edict, perhaps just expressing a concern about kids having a hard time cutting the apron strings.

I know a couple of kids (all 3 girls) who called home pretty much daily or every other day when they were UNhappy at school. Once they settled in and started enjoying themselves, the calls were fewer and farther between. I'm not saying every kid who calls home frequently is unhappy, but it's quite possible that if you ARE unhappy, it's an easy escape to call mommy or daddy every day, since they will sympathize, rather than forcing yourself to get involved and find a place for yourself at college.

My D rarely called us, although I called her about twice a week. Virtually everyone I knew with kids either in college or older said it's a GOOD thing, it means she's not spending her time thinking about us.

I do think kids need to develop their own lives, and if your parent is your best friend when you're 20 years old, you probably need to break away and find your own place in the world. But that can certainly happen gradually. If your kid sounds happy to you, then everything is probably fine, even if they're calling every other day (and even if they're not!)

Bottom line -- I don't think it's a good idea to brag one way or the other. If someone hears that a kid is calling all the time to talk about her activities and is deleriously happy with college, those whose kids DON'T call may wonder "what's wrong with me, or with my kid?" And vice versa -- those who brag "my kid NEVER called, s/he was SO involved in school from the get-go," may make those with kids who call all the time wonder whether their kids are truly settling in as they should be.

Each parent/child relationship is somewhat unique, isn't it.

By Megsdad (Megsdad) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 08:32 am: Edit

Note received from Wellesley College
(September 10, 2004)

Our daughter wrote us a note this week expounding on how happy she is with her classes, her roommate, and her entire college experience. She went on to thank us for giving her the opportunity to attend such an outstanding college. She told us how blessed she felt. She ended the note by telling us how we were her best friends! I don't think there is anything wrong with children talking to their parents. We encourage her to call us and give updates and she has. My wife and I look forward to these calls and cherish them. There hasn't been one hint of homesickness. She is having a ball with her classes and especially her social life ("MIT and Harvard guys are great").
I realize there will be "low times" and we will be there for those as well. And she has already found an active Christian campus community and will draw strength from her faith too.
I told her this morning in a card how happy I was that she had found such a "good fit" for her college experience. All those trips to look for the right school certainly paid off!!

Many people ask us the secret we hold concerning how we raised two children who never gave us any trouble and excelled in all they did. It is so simple... good communication!! Keep those cell phone calls coming, baby!!!!

By Rhonda63 (Rhonda63) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 08:57 am: Edit

I don't like the idea of being my D's best friend. I want her to feel she can talk to me, of course, but I want her to have her own life, which she will ultimately have to live without me in it. If she considered me to be her best friend, I'd be a little concerned.

Perhaps this is just one of those "boomer generation" things that I'll never be able to understand.

By Emeraldkity4 (Emeraldkity4) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 09:06 am: Edit

I don't like the idea of being my D's best friend. I want her to feel she can talk to me, of course, but I want her to have her own life, which she will ultimately have to live without me in it. If she considered me to be her best friend, I'd be a little concerned.

I am wondering what context this college president made the comment, is it an offical statement or was he referencing perhaps parents who want to micromanage their students experience from afar? I also agree though that there is natural distancing from when the girls were younger. I call my mom everyday when she isn't traveling, but that is mostly checking in, I realize that some families are very close even when the kids are grown, but I can pick my friends but I couldnt pick my relatives!
When my daughter was at school, I would call her every so often, but she was never in her room. Email was better as she got back to that more often.

By Aparent4 (Aparent4) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 09:16 am: Edit

Evidently this president believed that the female students were calling their mothers to get help with problem situations such as figuring out how to set up things in the dorm or organize things for themselves on campus.

I have to say, I also detect some sexism here. Most of the moms I know say they hear a lot more often from their daughters than from their sons. Can it be that females have a different communication style? Why not respect that?

Seems to me that if the whole world were talking on cell phones instead of blowing one another up, this planet would be a much better place, but I digress.

As Susan and others point out, to assume that a cell call is made because a student needs help coping is to make a rather big leap.

This prez is lucky my kids don't go to that school, or he would have received a letter from me. Or a cell phone call!

By Rhonda63 (Rhonda63) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 09:20 am: Edit

Emeraldkity -- You're right, as we (and our parents) get older, there is more communication. I talk to my mother probably every couple of days, and I would talk to my sister probably daily before she moved out of country.

"...if it gives the parents pleasure, particularly in light of the investment, to hear from their child, it is the least they can do to give back."

I don't like the idea of linking calling ot the "investment" we are making in tuition. I am paying those tuition bills as an investment in my D's future, not as a way to get her to call me. Does that mean that people who are paying less shouldn't expect as much calling?

And while I always enjoy talking to my D, I don't want her to feel obligations to call me right now. Plenty of time for that later, when she's an independent adult, lol, and I'm a doddering old woman.

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 10:15 am: Edit

As each situation is different, it is another reason to not make assumptions. Also, I do not think sharing that a child has called home on regular basis to share her happiness and enthusiasm for the experiences she is having is really bragging. It just is how it is.

I don't think the fact that a child calls home means they are looking for support or help. SOME are and there is nothing wrong with that unless of course the kid is not managing well on their own. But I can only speak of my own experience where my daughter is not calling home for help or advice but merely to share what is going on in her life and to let us know how much she has enjoyed each aspect, be it many new friends, experiences living in a very new setting contrasted from where she grew up, her new classes, her new EC activities and what not. I am definitely not my daughter's best friend. I am simply her mom and actually she is calling and talking to dad and sister in the same way, to let us know what is going on in her life so we may share in her happiness and connect with her since we cannot do that as we used to or as often anymore. I am positively certain she does not feel obligated to call. No expectations were mentioned other than keep in touch, we love hearing from you, but not how often or by phone or mail or anything. It is all her call, both literally and figuratively. She has been away from home many summers, including on the other side of the world and always called every few days to fill us in on her life. I see this as a healthy relationship and I am glad she is choosing to do this but we did not make her do it and I know she is not doing so as an obligation. I know she WANTS to call and share and hear what is going on at home.

College daughter is supportive of her younger sister and likes hearing what is new here. When her sister recently went through a week of auditions and callbacks, she called to hear the results and support her. She is going to travel home in Nov. to see her sister's production, even though she normally would not have come home til Thanksgiving. This is not an obligation. She told me that of course she is coming here to see her perform, and would not miss it. She is welcome to bring college friends up here. But overall, she will not be coming home other than vacations.

I did not mean to link it quite the way being depicted with the "investment" as if she owed us this in return. She has already thanked us numerous times, as well as during our "good-bye" moment for giving her this opportunity to attend this college. That was pay back enough. I did not invest in college so she could call me, so that is not what I meant. I meant that it is nice to have a child who is sharing with us and giving back in the sense that she knows we enjoy hearing about her adventures because we supported her in getting there in the first place. She does not owe us but she wants to let us in on how it is going cause she appreciates that we supported getting her there. That is what I meant. This is one kid I have never had to MAKE call home. Now, for my other child, I do have to give the expectation that we want her to call every so often when she is away. Each kid is different. Staying in touch with kids, wherever they are, I think, is a positive thing and need not imply that they feel they need help or assistance being on their own. My younger one would never call home needing help, lol. My kids like being away actually! But I realize when you hear of some kids calling home often, it CAN be a situation where the kid is not adjusting and needs a lot of support. Some do need help coping. I am not bragging that mine have not called for that reason, but merely mean that is the nature of their particular calls so one cannot assume it is a red flag that the kid chooses to call home every few days.

Where my D goes for her summer program, they have a rule where kids cannot call home during the first week of each three week session. I understand this rule fully as for some kids, they need to adjust to separation and may be homesick. Our kids never get homesick but we had to go with this rule anyway. My child stays six weeks and thus in the fourth week, it is back to no calls allowed even though it is not an issue for her, but of course, they must have one rule across the board. So, I do get that end of things.

Each child's situation differs a lot and thus it is difficult to make assumptions about any one situation. I also am sorry that it is viewed as bragging to share if a child has called home very happy with her school after two years of this college process now that she is finally there. In fact, I loved hearing Megsdad's account of his D at Wellesley. Some of us have been on here for two years and I really do want to hear what everyone is hearing from the kids now that they finally are experiencing the college they chose. I even met Megsdad at Smith and each of our D's chose other schools so I really like hearing how it turned out for her and actually Megsdad, that sounds wonderful! It truly seems like she found the best school for HER.

Susan

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 10:29 am: Edit

I would like to add that I am glad that my daughter has chosen to call both sets of grandparents since arriving at college. Both have supported her in going to college, and much else. It is not like she is homesick for any of them as none of them live near us at home but in other states. I am sure she not only wanted to let them know how she is doing but she also knows how much pleasure they derived from her call. They all let me know. My niece also just began college and called my mom a few times and I know it was not for support as she even sometimes is very annoyed with her grandmother (they live near each other) but she knew the happiness it would bring to call from college and let her know how much she was enjoying it and thanked her for helping her to go there. That is why it is hard to read assumptions into kids calling home from college as not quite separating. Some are calling home in terms of giving thanks to those who helped get them there to let them know how much they ended up loving it. It has meant a lot to all the grandparents to get these calls, let me tell you. That was the kind of "giving back" I meant earlier, not as much for the actual money investment but for the support those around them gave to make their dreams come true.

Susan

By Alwaysamom (Alwaysamom) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 10:33 am: Edit

I think the calling home issue, from our experience and our friends', has been almost a direct reflection of how our relationship has been with that particular child prior to their going away to college. We are certainly not our children's best friends but we have a very open and communicative relationship and always have. It has continued when the first two have gone away and I have no doubt that when the next leaves next year, she will be the same. We talk on the phone probably every other day and often email and IM during the week. Our girls are very close and probably talk to each other more than any of them talks to me or to my husband. We're a gabby family I guess. :)

By Patient (Patient) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 10:36 am: Edit

If the prez had a college filled with kids like my S, he'd be saying, "Get out those cell phones and call your mother, you've been here 4 years and you haven't even told her what you're majoring in or that you're getting married next month."

(Exaggerating a bit, I think/hope)

By Rhonda63 (Rhonda63) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 10:37 am: Edit

Soozie -- if you read my message again, I was not suggesting that EVERY kid who calls home frequently is unhappy. In my experience, several who have been unhappy have done so at that time. But I do think that there is some bragging going on here, (sorry if that offends you) probably on both sides, and while I don't have a freshman in college, I could see it being troubling to those who are dealing with the emotional effects of kids recently leaving for college who DON'T call.

I'm not going to say any more here b/c I've probably already offended you, by the sound of your posts.

By Garland (Garland) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 10:46 am: Edit

Okay, yeah, I envy the "called". Maybe it's sons, (though in saying that I'm sure I'll hear from those with loquacious ones) but my S, who was as chatty and friendly as can be imagined when home, has reverted to sporadic emails and IMs. I do miss the sound of his voice. His oh-so-worldly older sis says I'm being neurotic, but I think I'll chalk it up to one of those "wait until you have kids" things.

Seriously, though, it's okay to hear that other kids call home more. LIke the "kid's adjustment" and "parent missing them" threads, we all have different experiences.

By Soozievt (Soozievt) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 10:58 am: Edit

Rhonda, I just respectfully disagree that is all. And it's all ok. It appeared to me that some assumptions were made so I was explaining my point of view.

NOT calling home can also mean a very happy kid. As you mentioned in another post, perhaps on another thread, I can't keep track, a kid who does not call home can be a good sign of a very engaged happy camper. I was simply saying that a kid who DOES call home can also be happily engaged and well adjusted but enjoys staying in touch, but does not NEED to in order to be ok.

I would hope that just cause I shared that my child has been really enjoying each day so far of college and each aspect, that it would cause someone else to feel bad if their kid does not call home. Kids are different. There can be very happy kids who just do not think to or want to call home much. In fact, I have another child in my own house who I have to remind to call us when she lives away from home each summer. When she does not call home as often as I would like, I KNOW it does not mean she is not happy or having a great time, but simply that she cannot be bothered to call. My college one is busy but likes to make the time to share and knows we enjoy it, just different kids, even in the same family.

I would truly hope that sharing that a kid was happy at her new college was not taken by others to be concerned or compare if their kid is not calling home.

I am fully aware that some are not adjusting but does that mean not sharing happy news if they are? I was in the local market recently where one of the cashiers is a classmate of my recent grad. She knew my daughter had left for college and asked me how she was enjoying it. This girl is working for a year to earn money and get ready for college. She was not a friend of my D's but they knew each other due to a small school. I told her that she has liked it very much and is having a great time and is glad she picked her school. This girl went on to tell me of some classmates of my D's who honestly were not her friends or in her classes so I only knew a few of them. She went on to tell of kids who were at various state (rural) colleges (not the university) and how one quit after the first day, and the others do NOT like it at all. Different kids, different experiences. I don't think that means one cannot share that one's kid actually does like her school and is happy so far. This girl even said she felt my daughter deserved all she was experiencing due to her hard work (she was known as a very dedicated student by her peers). At the same token I was encouraging this girl for the choices she has made to put off college for a year to figure out what she wanted to do and also commended her for working hard to earn money. She was sincere and so was I.

Susan

By Sokkermom (Sokkermom) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 11:01 am: Edit

I think most parents of sons wish they would call more often. It could be a gender thing. I still have to remind my H to call his parents. They live in Florida, so I have insisted that he call more often with all the recent hurricane activity! His calls are very important to them. He is now their only son, as his younger brother (age 37) died tragically two years ago. (He also has three sisters.)

I agree that the calls from college are a very personal thing, with no right or wrong answer. I don't believe that weekly calls are impeding the independence of my son at all. We chatted for close to an hour on Saturday. He seems to value our opinion on things and we value his. He is still very much part of our family and always will be. I think he likes to share news (good and bad), and even check on his little sister and give her some brotherly advice! I think that is the sign of a relationship that works for us, and I hope it continues.

By Emeraldkity4 (Emeraldkity4) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 11:04 am: Edit

My college daughter is fairly chatty at home, she was tickled to find that while in high school she was considered fairly quite and reserved, compared to other Reedies she is quite the social butterfly.
But when she is at school she just doesn't usually think to call, although she will sometimes forward random articles for me.
She does communicate with her sister often though through IM, even her sisters friends have her on their IM list and talk to her quite a bit.
But I am just not very social, so even though I miss her, I don't really realize how much until she is home again.

By Achat (Achat) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 11:10 am: Edit

It has been about 3 weeks and my son was not that communicative and I was very curious to know what's going on. He's gotten better now. I don't call him, he seems to call every weekend. I also IM him almost every day late at night (well, it's late for me, but around 10:30 - 11) and get a idea of what he's up to. I hope he does not mind. The IM lasts about 5-10 minutes at most.

He doesn't seem to mind but he takes the IM as a 'how are you doing?' call. IM is a little less intrusive than a cell phone. At least I hope so...one never knows with kids. What do other parents think? I also began a conversation the other day about the Chechen rebels and had a usual debate that I have with him face to face. We both love the give-and-take.

By Megsdad (Megsdad) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 11:17 am: Edit

Thanks Susan!
You better than most on here know why getting positive reinforcement from our daughter is important. She really is at the right school!!!

By Farawayplaces (Farawayplaces) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 11:19 am: Edit

I think this is an issue like another that popped up on this board: the no-problem-to-have-them-leave-home crowd vs. the mourners.

I was a mourner, and felt a little defensive about it when I saw the other gang's messages.

Likewise, I am *very* close to my son and daughter, and both plunged into college life and seldom called. That felt right to me. Then our daughter graduated and had a Gap year--she called a lot more and that was fun! I don't think it's any reflection of how close families are, but just a style the family chooses.

I guess it's just a reflection of how important this parenting thing is. We tend to be a little defensive about how we've raised our kids--as if we need to prove or justify that how our kids are is "right."

By Patient (Patient) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 11:30 am: Edit

Since I have 3 and they are all across the spectrum in terms of communicative to non-, I don't get defensive about it one way or the other.

Communication styles in families, now THAT sounds like an interesting study. I studied the Enneagram theory at one point a few years ago and I remember some things about how the families formed from the different personality types can be expected to have very different communication patterns, none right or wrong, just all very understandable in terms of the various family members' makeups.

By Alongfortheride (Alongfortheride) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 11:46 am: Edit

Achat, we do the IM thing with our son also. We can catch him during the day between classes or at night if he's in. I do think it gives him a little control over the process. He can join in if he wants, and if he's busy with other stuff, he can decline. It's really funny. At first, he was very short as if to control the contact and break away. Now, he can be a real chatterbox. His dad thinks that he's been away long enough that he's missing our conversations. Even though he is "all grown up" and out on his own, he uses us as a sounding board when he's exploring new options. I hope it continues, either by IM or by phone.

By Achat (Achat) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 11:51 am: Edit

Thanks, Along. That's what I wanted to hear. I don't know how intrusive IM is. He does decline at times, saying he is busy, so I think it is a good medium for him as well.

By Archermom (Archermom) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 12:41 pm: Edit

My main form of communication with D is email...she sends a fairly extensive update every 7-10 days or so. Although yesterday, she did have a good IM exchange with her sister...especially since she learned that we are repainting her bedroom for sis! It's been a month and we've used the cell under 8 times for quick conversations....she needed her AP Chem book...forgot her PIN , etc. It's all good...better this way...if she called every day, I would really begin to worry.

By Txtaximom (Txtaximom) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 02:25 pm: Edit

My son uses his cell phone to call...his girlfriend! We've called twice to check in, but usually we catch up on the IM for a few minutes a couple of times per week. We've also had a few emails. Son is more likely to talk to his brother (one year younger).

This weekend when we talked to oldest son, we found out debate tournament results for second son (who also does not use his cell phone to call home). So now I call PA to find out what is happening here in TX.

By Latetoschool (Latetoschool) on Monday, September 13, 2004 - 05:37 pm: Edit

This is an interesting thread. The summer prior to freshman year, our university pres mailed all the new parents the book "Letting Go", together with a cover letter urging us to read it. Then, at parent's orientation she spent a considerable amount of her welcome speech reminding us that it was time to "let go". I wonder if close family relationships and frequent communication are a problem in some way for college presidents and their administrations?

In any case, mine will go for days and days without calling or sending email, and then, I'll get five calls in one day, or twelve emails in one day, a smorgasbord of stuff, all of it happy, information, forwarded documents, requests for money or things to be sent, plus all the notes of "I love you" pepppered throughout. Sometimes we'll spend hours in email volleys, and have multiple discussions in progress at the same time (I don't like IM - feel like that's her space). Then, silence again for days and days. I wonder what the communication experts would think of that...whatever the case, it works beautifully for us. I don't mind the days of silence - it's actually a relief, sort of a rest period before the next flurry of communication.

By Mimk6 (Mimk6) on Tuesday, September 14, 2004 - 01:30 am: Edit

My D and I sometimes send brief e-mails throughout the day if we're near computers. It's kind of fun -- just little conversations. My son and I used to IM when he went to college -- he was never a phone talker but would IM with me. I think it's a nice way to stay in touch without being intrusive. Heaven knows they stay in touch with the rest of the known universe via computers.

By Bookiemom (Bookiemom) on Tuesday, September 14, 2004 - 02:04 am: Edit

This thread has really made me rethink my D's freshman year last year. She was very homesick her first semester and called me almost every day, many days more than once. I work at home, so I am usually here. I thought it was a good means of support for her, but now thinking back, perhaps if she hadn't had me to lean on so much, she would have been forced to concentrate on making friends more. Maybe that is what this college president meant. In my own D's case, if she hadn't been able to talk to me and to her boyfriend so easily, I don't know if she would have stayed at college all year or returned for soph. year.

This year she is living off-campus in a house with four other girls, and she is much happier. She calls me now to ask how to cook things! Our calls now are much shorter because she is carrying 21 credits and she is studying all the time.

By Eadad (Eadad) on Wednesday, September 15, 2004 - 06:32 pm: Edit

OK it's looking like a trend here, it's definitely a guy thing to not call very often.

I guess they (or maybe it's just their machismo) need to prove to us (and probably to themselves as well)that they really can be independent and self-sufficient.

Just like Garland's, Sokkermom's,and Achat's, our experience had been that he called about once a week, usually on the way to somewhere and usually in a hurry. The only exceptions thus far had been when he's had a question about something that he didn't want to wait on, and that wasn't very often. I must add however that after completing three full weeks of classes he has slowed down enough to have at least one nice phone visit with us per week.

There is no hint of homesickness and he's been far too busy to have it sink in if there was any.

My wife and I were discussing this the other day and frankly we are so delighted that he is as happy with everything from classes and profs to new friends, activities and college life in general that, it's hard to feel slighted.

I have been occasionally IM-ing him from work and my wife "talks" to him online some evenings as well. Interestingly, last nite he mentioned to her that good old fashioned mail was nice too.

I suspect that one thing that hasn't changed through the years is the nice feeling they get when they open their mailboxes and actually have mail. I guess all the technology can't replace that!

By Xdad (Xdad) on Wednesday, September 15, 2004 - 07:20 pm: Edit

Eadad, I could borrow your post and simply change the name. It's amazing how much our boys still have in common. I could not help smile when reading your post.

By Rhonda63 (Rhonda63) on Thursday, September 16, 2004 - 08:54 am: Edit

Eadad -- not just a guy thing. My D called very infrequently freshman year, although I called about twice a week. We e-mailed occasionally, but I don't do IM. She was perfectly fine and happy and had a very good year, so it definitely does NOT mean they are unhappy if you don't hear from them (probably just the opposite).

By Eadad (Eadad) on Thursday, September 16, 2004 - 11:24 am: Edit

Xdad

Didn't realize who you were until now....please give Xiggi (and the rest of the family) our best.

You are so right. I saw so many similarities in Xiggi's many posts on CC to discussions we were having at home and often marveled at how much alike they still are.

I am sure that he is loving CMC. It was so nice to reconnect with him and catch up during the whole college admissions process.

I hope you all know that you were missed at SM...we kept wondering if (and hoping) he'd show back up sometime in upper school.


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