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Read it first - at the end I have a note for my helpers


The mailbox has always been a place of wonder for me. A place where it is easy to get lost in bills and magazines, but where the slightest bit of personal attention means so much more when sent through the postal service.

It all started when I was transplanted from my family and friends to a brand new town. It was 2nd grade, and while kids are generally more open to forming new friendships, the move shook me up and left me unable to let go of my past and open up to the future. As I walked home each day and passed the groups of rambunctious boys I yearned to be a part of, my only solace was popping open the mailbox to see what had been delivered. As my fascination grew, I became keenly aware of everything from American Express payment due dates to Pennysaver coupons. Though none of the mail was meant for me, it still proved a joyous occupant of my time.

When my mother came home one day with a brand new computer, I figured my luck had turned and I would now be able to accomplish more than merely opening mail that was not mine. The computer, however, was stocked only with two applications. While I had become an expert of managing finances through my close inspection of each bill, the spreadsheet program was slightly too advanced for me. Instead, I turned to Microsoft Word. Though it took a few days, I had soon mastered the art of letter writing and had completed personalized letters for each member of my family back in Connecticut. In the mornings I would carefully place the letters into the mailbox and proudly raise the red flag, and in the afternoons walk eagerly home in hopes of their being a letter awaiting me.

My love for mail extended even further when I purchased a book which contained a list of businesses, celebrities, and dignitaries followed by their personal addresses. Suddenly, I was opened up to a world of possibility wherein the actor I saw on screen or the pitcher I saw at Shea Stadium became as accessible as my friends in Connecticut or my neighbors down the street. Not knowing who a particular addressee was didn’t stop me from researching them and subsequently sending off a letter. Kofi Annan, a man I had never heard of, soon heard from me in the form of a thank you note for his intervention on behalf of Serbs living in Bosnia. Drew Barrymore recieved my letters of encouragement in battling her drug addiction. Even President Bill Clinton got a piece of my mind, in the form of harsh criticisms against his actions in office. As each letter was sent off, my family grew weary of me having my hopes dashed by not receiving a reply. But just as quickly as I sent the letters out, they came pouring back in.

As each letter came to me, a new lesson was learned. Naïve to the idea that a celebrity might have his or her very own therapist, I spent most of my time acting as a generous giver of advice to these celebrities three times my age. In return, I received A-list encouragement and fascinating ideas. With each day I spent juggling my “real” friends and those which I knew only by mail, I grew more confident in the diverse character I was becoming. As both giver and receiver of a range of thoughts, each piece of advice passed through me, leaving a mark of distinction from every person I came in contact with. Whether it be Maya Angelou’s encouragement to stay in school and go to college or Pat Benetar’s rambling on the benefits of music education, no lesson has been lost. And more importantly, I have stored inside of me the glorious delight I felt as I reached into the mail box, ran into my house, sprawled onto the couch, and explored the thoughts of someone else. Whether these thoughts came from near or far, someone famous or average, an awareness of all ideas has fostered in me a sense of respect that is blind to fame, race, gender, or class.

Though I hope that my mailbox always remains full, I know that I am slowly outgrowing the simple rectangular container. Life is not as neat and tidy as a mailbox, and things that range from the useless to the profound will never be able to fit in a box if it is unable to expand.



So I'm ready for your critique. I revamped it in many ways, taking out the whole "I was sad and mail made me feel good". Instead, I am taking a different approach that talks more about my desire to hear all sorts of thoughts/ideas and how the mail was able to satisfy that craving as a child (and how college will satisfy me as a young adult)

Let me know if you think it "works" or if you got the idea I was going for. Please feel free to tell me its horrible, I'm used to that sorta thing! Keep in mind that it's 3 AM and it might seem jumbled! Also, I need some help with the conclusion, let me know.

Thanks for all the help!

By Achat (Achat) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 08:04 am: Edit

Ilcapo, it's Monday morning and I have a ton of stuff to get ready for. I'll send you personal email if you don't mind later during the day (late afternoon).

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 07:56 pm: Edit

Anyone

By Marite (Marite) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 08:18 pm: Edit

>>But just as quickly as I sent the letters out, they came pouring back in.>>

You mean "replies poured back."

>>As both giver and receiver of a range of thoughts, each piece of advice passed through me, leaving a mark of distinction from every person I came in contact with.>>

dangling participle.

There are a few more grammatical problems.

I would start with "It all started..." .."Unable to let go of my past and open up to the future" It sounds both verbose and pretentious. Can you say more simply that you had trouble making friends and clung to old relationships?

You seem to suggest that you've used the computer merely to compose letters. What about email and the internet? Have they opened up new possibilities for communication?

The ending is too trite, especially if you are going to talk about electronic communications. Another issue is that it it is not clear how your voluminous correspondence has affected you. Some of the replies surely were not memorable. So how have they helped you grow as a person?

By Achat (Achat) on Tuesday, August 17, 2004 - 07:59 am: Edit

Ilcapo, I did not get to this yesterday and won't be able to today either. Lots of trouble at work. Maybe tonight if you are still looking for advice.

Anyway, I agree with Marite's conclusions. The ending is not that great. Couldn't you come up with some other conclusions? Something about how it helped improve your writing skills, or helped improve your self-esteem when you needed it? Or even that in giving advice to others, you were giving yourself advice? It sort of ended in a whimper.

By Achat (Achat) on Tuesday, August 17, 2004 - 08:06 am: Edit

If you also gave specific advice on how some celebrity thanked you for seeing something from a new perspective, then that would show that you learned from that experience and helped others.

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 03:12 am: Edit

I'm depressed.

When I start to think about colleges, where to apply, etc. my mind immediately drifts to the fact that I have not finished my essays. Every time I download an application form I can't even open it because I know I won't be able to fill in the essay space. AHH

I'm having a nervous breakdown

What I wanted to say in the essay is that I had this great experience of learning other peoples ideas. I was able to get into the head of celebrities and learn from them. Since they were all successful in their endeavours, I was inspired by what they did. Perhaps I will mention how I wrote a letter to a NY Times columnist and ended up being a contributor to his film critiques from time to time...but I don't know. Space is running out, no one on the site seems to love it ..........

should I just move on?

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 04:05 am: Edit

OK ready...its gonna need to be trimmed.

To an outsider, my early fascination with letter writing might appear disturbing. To a seasoned traveler, exposure to lands both near and far in the form of letters might seem rather pathetic. However, to me, both my fascination with mail and the epistolary travels which the postal service provided me with, have granted me the ability to understand places and people outside the bounds of my town, state, or country.

When I was in first grade, my mom brought home a magical box she thought might cure me of the home-sickness I was feeling as a result of the 300 mile move we had just made. Though today it might be mistaken for a small space ship, at the time, the Gateway 2000 was a fascinating, cutting edge piece of machinery. Looming large above my tiny frame, the PC that sat in my basement seemed to be the solution to my boredom and restlessness. Despite its enormous size and thunderous groaning, however, the computers functions were shockingly limited. Games or internet navigation an impossibility, I begrudgingly began the process of mastering the art of Microsoft Office. Though it took a few days and a plethora of hideous brochures, flyers, memos and calendars, I soon mastered the art of Microsoft Word letter writing. With so many people back in Connecticut waiting to hear from me, the application provided a perfect mix of fun and practicality. Though my mother stared quizzically at me as I typed away, she could not complain as my boredom had been temporarily cured. The letter writing hobby soon developed into a joyous occupant of my time. In the mornings I would carefully place the letters into the mailbox on my way to school, and in the afternoons I walked home eagerly in hopes of their being a letter awaiting me. The day I was finally bitten by the letter writing bug was the same day I received my first response. The joy that seeped deep within me when I found my very own letter propelled me into a letter writing frenzy.

Soon, though, I was running out of people to write to. It was my mother who came to the rescue again, however, when she purchased me a book that contained a list of businesses, celebrities, and dignitaries followed by their personal addresses. Suddenly, I was opened up to a world of possibility wherein the actor I saw on screen or the pitcher I saw at Shea Stadium became as accessible as my friends in Connecticut or my neighbors down the street. Not knowing who a particular addressee was didn’t stop me from researching them and subsequently sending off a letter either. Kofi Annan, a man I had never heard of, soon found salutations from a first grader for his intervention on behalf of Serbs living in Bosnia. Drew Barrymore, the actress who had just exposed herself to Dave Letterman and the American public, received my letters of encouragement in battling her drug addiction. Even President Bill Clinton got a piece of my mind, in the form of harsh criticisms against his actions in office. As each letter was sent off, my family grew weary of me having my hopes dashed by not receiving a reply. But just as quickly as I sent the letters out, the replies poured back in.

As each letter came to me, a new lesson was learned. Naïve to the idea that a celebrity might have his or her very own therapist, I spent most of my time acting as a generous giver of advice to these celebrities many times my age. In return, I received A-list encouragement, fascinating ideas, and sometimes, the dreaded form letter. With each day I spent juggling my “real” friends and those which I knew only by mail, I grew more confident in the diverse character I was becoming. As both giver and receiver of a range of thoughts, each piece of advice passed through me, leaving a mark of distinction or a question to ponder. Whether it be Maya Angelou’s encouragement to stay in school and go to college or Pat Benetar’s rambling on the benefits of music education, no lesson was been lost. Sometimes, the letters granted me great opportunity as well. When by chance I chose to write to a Newsday film critic whose reviews I disagreed with, I never imagined that years later I would still be in touch with him, and still be being mentioned in his columns every few weeks. Another opportunity came when I sent off a letter to a man whose name I had come across as an up and coming chef who would be having his own television show. When the cooking expert got back to me, he invited me to one of his first tapings for a personal tour and taste test. For weeks, my mother and I struggled to decipher the message he left on my answering machine. Emerald Isle? Ephemeral Fry? It wasn’t until the day of the taping that we learned it was “Emeril Live”, and it wasn’t until six months later that we realized we had taken part in the beginnings of a publicity tidal wave.

Some days, after I had dropped off the mail, I would lie on my bed and imagine the envelopes that were floating across the world with my address on their upper left hand corner. My imaginations took me to the most spectacular places, and showed me the world without ever having to leave home. The estate of Princess Diana, the prison cell of Rubin “The Hurricane” Carter, even the Capetown ministry of Desmond Tutu suddenly revealed themselves to me. For the period of time when I awaited a response, the imaginations were blurred in my mind - but when I opened the mailbox to find that a letter had been sent back, the picture became clearer as I scanned the text and the thoughts of someone else revealed themselves to me. Whether these thoughts came from near or far, someone famous or average, an awareness of all ideas helped foster in me a sense of respect that was blind to fame, race, gender, or class. As I have continued to grow as a person, the letters have been replaced by people and places. Classmates in a lecture hall, the dangerous streets of Harlem, co-workers at a museum– the people and places that I have encountered throughout my life have proved to me that the joy of receiving mail can be found in many forms, and that the pleasure of learning the paths others have taken can be duplicated as I find a path of my own along the way.





It needs to be trimmed, and its also 4 AM, but I really like it! I feel like I have finally, yes FINALLY, conveyed what I have wanted to convey (albeit in a confused, 4 AM manner)

Help me all you can, but please be positive

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 07:58 pm: Edit

someone help me!!!!

By Bookworm (Bookworm) on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 10:39 pm: Edit

I really like the gist of your essay, and I have since the beginning. Suggestions are more about editing. I like the focus on whom you wrote to and who responded, so I'd be prone to begin with simple line about moving in 2nd grade and missing your friends. Next line would be u
learning to use new computer (don't distract reader with description of said computer), writing letter to family & friends. "though it took few days...letter awaiting me."--this is fine, and flows from intro.
Then, mention your mom bringing you book of addresses, and writing to famous people. Leave out part about not getting responses, because you did. The next 2 paragraphs could be condensed, without losing the examples. For example, going to Emeril Live is cool, but reader doesn't need to know you couldn't understand the message. More significant is that your ever supportive mom took the time to portake in this adventure.
In closing PG, mention how you thrived learning the art of letter writing, how responsive so many people were, how the correspondence matured you, and sadness about the shift to IM.
Many parents have suggested that you-any applicant-have someone read and help with trimming. I truly think your essay is original. This is my first time offerring suggestions, so I hope some ideas are helpful

By Ilcapo (Ilcapo) on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 12:11 am: Edit

hey bookworm - thanks for the suggestions they have certainly helped!

I think I might like this one the most so suggestions will certainly help me work with it.

By Achat (Achat) on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 05:06 pm: Edit

"For the period of time when I awaited a response, the imaginations were blurred in my mind - but when I opened the mailbox to find that a letter had been sent back, the picture became clearer as I scanned the text and the thoughts of someone else revealed themselves to me. "

You have used 'revealed themselves to me' several times including the previous sentence. Don't repeat the same phrase over and over. Just end the sentence at 'the picture became clearer to me'. Don't use 'revealed themselves to me' in general. It feels like you are a psychic staring into a crystal ball. How about 'suddenly became a lot more than an abstraction to me'.

"and that the pleasure of learning the paths others have taken can be duplicated as I find a path of my own along the way. "
I think this sentence is also cliched. Try to find an alternative. How about 'learning from other people's choices have helped me create a clearer identity for myself'.

"A-list encouragement". I don't like that either. Don't use cliched words and phrases. Try to rephrase in a unique way.

By Achat (Achat) on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 05:17 pm: Edit

Don't make it sound like 'Entertainment Tonight' or other shows like that. 'A-list encouragement' sounds like you have picked up the phrase from some magazine or tv show. Look at the essay in that light and make it sound as if it comes from you.