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Anyone else have a child who is still deciding where he or she is going to go? Any suggestions on helping (or staying completly out of it)? I'm afraid my suggestion will seem tainted with the money issue as one of the top two on S's list offered generous merit aid, the other not a cent, but money isn't a big enough issue to matter if he were way more interested in one than the other.

By Sybbie719 (Sybbie719) on Thursday, April 22, 2004 - 08:21 am: Edit

yes, D is still in the decision process. Staying out of it, will not let anyone else interfere either. Just be there if and when they need you to be a sounding board.


Don't want her to feel pressured that she has to do what someone else wants her to do instead of doing what makes her happy.

Money at both schools are equal so we could not use tht at leverage.

By Mom2003 (Mom2003) on Thursday, April 22, 2004 - 09:25 am: Edit

In the same boat here. One visit is going on. Choices between top LAC and top research university is not easy but I have faith that my son will decide whatever feels right to him. We are staying out of it totally but happy to talk to him whenever he wants to talk. Although I am really curious as to where the decision will come out.

By Julia_525 (Julia_525) on Thursday, April 22, 2004 - 09:43 am: Edit

At a assembly around this time last year, seniors had to stand up and say what their future plans were and where they were going and what they wanted to study. DH and I couldn't wait for our S's turn. We were really sure that this was the moment we would know his decision. S stood up, introduced himself, and said "I don't know where I'm going or what I want to major in." He got the biggest applause of the evening. When he absolutely had to make a decision, he picked the one that I believe was in his heart all along. It's just so hard to give up other opportunities.

By Rhonda63 (Rhonda63) on Thursday, April 22, 2004 - 09:48 am: Edit

Julia -- why does your school do this? I could see some kids just not wanting to say where they are going -- although i suppose in that case they could say what your son did!

BTW, I know several kids last year who were undecided until the VERY last minute (driving their parents crazy, I'm sure!)

By Kjofkw (Kjofkw) on Thursday, April 22, 2004 - 09:59 am: Edit

No decision here. AUGH!!!! I THINK between CMU (Carnegie Mellon)and Rice (Computer Sci.). He visits CMU again this weekend. There is no "right decision". He likes the Rice environment. He likes the outstanding CS program at CMU. Don't know what it will take, but we're NOT staying out of it! He has a tendancy to not think about things he doesn't want to think about. This decision is hard, and he's avoiding it. So everyday we try to ask just one different thing, or suggest an alternative way to make decisions (ranking pros and cons, dart board, journal writing, etc.) Justifyably he ignores us. Perhaps he is debating them internally and not talking, but knowing s., I believe he is just pretending the problem will go away. This will be a very interesting last minute decision.

By Rhonda63 (Rhonda63) on Thursday, April 22, 2004 - 11:10 am: Edit

Kjofkw -- have you heard the "flip a coin" approach? Ask him to flip a coin to decide -- heads one school, tails the other. Then he should consider his reaction at the result -- let's say it turns up Rice and he is disappointed, that means he should pick CMU!

By Plrscott (Plrscott) on Saturday, April 24, 2004 - 08:57 am: Edit

My dd was accepted to the three schools she applied to. She also received merit aid from all three schools. She turned down Loyola-New Orleans, accepted Tulane, her first choice, and held on to LSU-honors. We sent in the intent to enroll at Tulane, registered for housing, and paid the deposit. The other night we were driving somewhere and she burst into tears saying she thinks now she'd rather go to LSU now than Tulane. None of her friends are going to Tulane and she's starting to get scared. Just about everyone in her class is going to LSU or the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. I think part of her problem is she's been trying to find a roommate via Tulane's rommate finder and no one has replied to her e-mails. (I did notice when calling the schools that the people answering phones at LSU are much friendlier than the ones answering the phones at Tulane.)We live in Louisiana so she would be one hour away at LSU and two hours away at Tulane and Loyola. LSU would be practically debt free due to TOPs, scholarship, etc. Tulane would cost us another 10K per year, unless she gets more aid. She is under a great deal of strain as she is in the top 3 in her class and the valedictorian, salutatorian and historian positions keep changing, plus the 4th place kid is close. She also has a boyfriend staying here and going to UL, who is giving her a hard time about Tulane. ( I think he liked the idea of going to LSU football games with her.) Tulane is by far the better school. LSU has come a long way since I was there in the late 70s, early 80s. Their honors college is great. She can get her major at either school and can get accepted to med school from either school, though I'm sure it's much easier from Tulane. But, with med school, does she want to go into major debt for undergrad. We had been through all of this and now we're back at square one. We've already accepted Tulane and will lose the deposit. Will we lose anything else if she changes her mind by Friday and decides to go to LSU? Her dad is so upset. He is 100% behind Tulane. I, on the other hand am an LSU alum and love the fact that there would be little to no debt. My daughter also suffered greatly from homesickness when she was younger and LSU is closer. She's from a small school, so Tulane's smaller campus and class size is a plus for her. Plus she'd get actual professors and not so many grad students who don't speak English like she would at LSU. Decisions Decisions and my dd is the worst at making them. AGGGGGHHHHH

By Mominva (Mominva) on Saturday, April 24, 2004 - 09:03 am: Edit

Would it be harder to transfer into Tulane if LSU is 'all wrong', or harder to transfer to LSU if Tulane is 'all wrong'? Family motto here: 'Don't close doors which cannot be re-opened.'

By Jenniferpa (Jenniferpa) on Saturday, April 24, 2004 - 09:23 am: Edit

In the same boat here: DD still deciding between two programs. On the whole I've stayed out of it, but last week I did ask her if she wanted my input. I've tried to be balanced about it: I do think one situation/program is better than the other, but I can see the attractions of both. Last night she told me that she thought it would be #1, but when I asked her if I should go ahead and write the check, she said she wanted to think about it some more! I'm not talking about it, unless she raises the issue.

Jennifer

By Concerneddad (Concerneddad) on Saturday, April 24, 2004 - 09:28 am: Edit

Plrscott, I am sorry your D is going through this. My S has yet to decide between Tulane and Wash. U, but is leaning towards Tulane still. Tell your daughter that he too is pre-med, and he is coming from 2500 miles away. He is a confident and caring young man, and will offer friendship and support willingly to someone who needs it. A no, he does does need a girlfriend, he has one who is going to CU.

hang in there.

By Patient (Patient) on Saturday, April 24, 2004 - 09:34 am: Edit

Mom2003, in exactly the same boat. In the middle of one admit weekend. Very, very hard to make that choice, isn't it? I don't think it is too stressful for my son and we are just being supportive because you can't really lose whichever decision is made; but still there is so much to be said for either route....

By Plrscott (Plrscott) on Saturday, April 24, 2004 - 12:15 pm: Edit

It would be harder to transfer into Tulane than into LSU. Either way, the scholarships would be lost at the one she doesn't choose.

By Valerie (Valerie) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 09:11 am: Edit

Plrscott,

Been there with another, am there right now. However, it is not S holding up the decision. He'll probably go to the school we can afford. Unless a mircle happens.

Regarding your daughter, I can't help but remember the H.S. college counselor years ago telling a group of us college prospective parents to allow your children to select and go where that want to go. Even if they change their mind. Of course if you can afford it. Also, he said, most kids follow where their peer group is going and that is to be expected. It's hard leaving home and breaking all connections. My S went to the college of her choice. My husband and I argued like crazy behind close doors. Just like we are doing now. I was not happy about her decision. However, it not only turned out to be the right school for her but she did tremendously well. 6 yrs post grad and she is happy, healthly, married and employed. And, guess what, she was employed by a well known firm on campus before she graduated. She is still with them.

This a really hard decision for all of you. hope my story helps in contemplating. Good Luck.

write and let us know where she will be going. You know sometimes, it's better - if you can afford it - to loose the extra depsoit and have her make a decision a few weeks after H.S. grad and she has time to rest and distance herself from her peer group and the pressures of finalizing and leaving her H.S.school forever. Also, another look on the campuses if you can do it. A piture is worth a thousand words and takes the burden of the decision off your shoulders.

By Musicmom (Musicmom) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 10:03 am: Edit

Lalady-
I DO feel your pain!
Our son ended up with three reasonable school choices but they did not include his absolute favorite reach school.
He weebled back and forth between two:
The 'next best' school objectively on paper,further from home and more expensive, even with big merit $$.
The best state school one hour from home with a fine program in his major but not stellar. Less $$ of course but we convinced him that should not be the deciding factor.
Ultimately, he chose the state school since he would be studying music privately there with a professor he knows and admires. His gut said this was the best choice for him.
It still is hard to close those other doors and he just yesterday wrote cards/letters declining his other two.
I feel for your daughter's situation but I bet either choice would work out for her. We asked our S to listen to his heart and choose the school HE wanted, not the one he thought we would prefer or where he thinks his GC or music director or private teacher thinks he should choose.
Now, if he can only hack the formidable academics at his choosen school!
Best of luck to your daughter.

By Juliet1 (Juliet1) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 10:15 am: Edit

I have a similar situation. D was rejected by her dream school, accepted to all others WASH u, GW, Tufts one other ivy and others. She will have a free ride at our state school and get a check for spending money each month. We visited all the schools, she said she loved WASH u but has yet to make a decision. When I tld her WASH U is just as pretty as her dream school her response was nothing compares to - . Any advice. Even though money is not a big issue - we still have to work hard for it- should I let her pick her school or tell her since she is not crazy about the others go for the free ride at our state school - which happens to be a top 50 schools according to US NEWS. I really want her to be happy and succeed wherever she goes. Thanks. We need advice.

By Plrscott (Plrscott) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 10:26 am: Edit

We've already decided the lost deposit will be ok. But, is it fair or ethical to be registered at two schools at the same time? I feel really badly about that. There are kids who didn't get into to Tulane or who are waitlisted right now who could get her slot and others who could get her scholarship if she doesn't choose to go there. Her graduation is May 22. I don't know if we should wait that long. Plus, we need to fill out papers for a Plus Loan for Tulane. We can't do that until she knows for sure and the paperwork says 7 days. I guess we can reapply. I don't think we need to take out a loan for LSU. Her stafford is all she would need, I think.

By Valerie (Valerie) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 12:25 pm: Edit

Juliet1 & Plrscott

Oh, the Intensity, the shuffling of the feet, the biting the lip, the nerves, the tears, the silent treatment, the sensitivities. Nobody ever told us it was going to be like this - being a parent - even if they did, we wouldn't have comprehended.

Sometimes kids need us to make the decision for them
Sometimes kids just need to sleep on it - for awhile
Sometimes another visit to the campuses are needed - if you are able

Julie! I lean toward having D go to the state school since she is not happy with any of her choices

Plrscott - gosh, this is a tough one. My h & I were contemplating the same thing until yesterday. We chose not to double accept becuase of loss of deposit and because we know others are waiting. It does seem unethical but sometimes unavoidable. Colleges understand this though, that is why most will give you your lst paymet of money back less your depsoit if you change your mind by July 31st. Read the fine print. See what each school says. Hard decision especially since you need to flll out paperwork for Plus Loan. Go with your heart, it's really your best intuition of right choice

Good Luck, to each of you. Let us know

By Kjofkw (Kjofkw) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 01:36 pm: Edit

Plrscot and others:

See also the archived discussion "Sending a deposit to two schools". I don't know how to make the link work, so I copied one of my old posts here.

CMU asks you to sign the following: "I will enroll at CMU for Fall 2004. I understand that I must notify all the colleges and universities which I have been admitted of my decision to enroll. I will not post an enrollment deposit at any institution other than Carnegie Mellon"

Rice states: You should be aware that students who make admision deposits to more than one university may have their offer of admission reviewed with the possible consequence of the acceptance being withdrawn from all the institutions who hold their deposits."

There is an exception for waitlisted students.

Rice is part of a consortium of schools who have agreed to similar guidelines. The list includes many well known institutions including most ivys, and others often sited on this board (too long to type them all).

I don't know what schools you are considering 2 deposits. I also don't know if the schools abide by their statments.You may need to wish verify before taking the chance of losing an admission.

By Dogs (Dogs) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 08:31 pm: Edit

Our son is still "undecided". My husband took him to visit Tufts and BU Honors (15 K merit) a few days ago then he seemed to suddenly be interested in NYU again and had a few negative comments about Tufts. So I aggreed to take him to an accepted student event at NYU on Tues.(train from Phila.) and now it seems Tufts is back in the running. We lived frugally so we can afford to send him to any school, middle class so no fin. aid, but a sacrifice for us and worth it, but I had told him early on that if they are all equal then he should consider that NYU is most expensive with Tufts not too far behind. Unfortunatly at dinner tonight he seemed to kid me that I wanted BU because "its cheaper". That isn't the point. If he loves NYU or Tufts we can handle it but if he doesn't seem to be able to decide than $ can be a factor. He leaves for a band trip early Thurs. so we told him he needs to decide by Wed. but now he says he'd rather call us from the trip on the 1st with his answer. Can you believe this? I am actually pretty calm about the lack of a decision and the last minute timing I just wish he had a strong preference for "his fit". Am I the only one with an undecided child at this late date???

By Fiza (Fiza) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 08:39 pm: Edit

I'm still deciding between Tulane and a state school. Stinks how money has to be a factor. I'm basically trying to convince my parents to let me go to Tulane but if I have to go to State U I'll be pretty happy as well since its a pretty good school and its well known for its biz school (I'm an econ major)

We're still thinking about it and [I'm] considering the double deposit thing.

By Ch2 (Ch2) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 09:07 pm: Edit

Still no decision here. I don't know what I am going to do. I wish this could be over for good. Good luck to everyone else on making up their minds!

By Plrscott (Plrscott) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 09:10 pm: Edit

Our state school didn't require a deposit, so I would only lose Tulane's. We're letting them know this week. As of now, she is leaning towards LSU and its honor's program. Over spring break, after visiting both campuses again, she was all Tulane. It could all change tomorrow.

By Kissy (Kissy) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 09:44 pm: Edit

30+ years ago, my older sister transferred out of her small LAC in the midle of nowhere. Trouble was, she couldn't decide which school to attend. She had deposits at 3 schools!!(no joking!). The morning she was to head off to college, she had the car packed up while our father sat behind the steering wheel, waiting to hear if they would be heading to NY, NH, or VA. Right then and there, she based her decision on the "roommate letters" she received. She liked the prospective roommate from the NH school the best, so that's where they headed. She ended up being happy with her choice, as she earned 3 degrees at the school. But, talk about being indecisive!LOL

By Thedad (Thedad) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 09:48 pm: Edit

Plrscott, throw out all the bad reasons for not wanting to go to Tulane: no friends going there, the bf wanting to go to LSU football games, the potential homesickness issue (college is about growth), and the fact that you're an LSU alum. [Fwiw, my D was homesick the first time she went away to summer ballet camp...for about a week. Two weeks later she was calling home to ask for more money....]

Look at the smaller class size and classes with professors instead of incomprehensible TA's.

Listing pro's and con's is a start. Examining what's substantial and what's fluff is the next step.

By Maiby (Maiby) on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 11:02 pm: Edit

Hi- I'm glad I'm not alone with this last minute, down to the wire decision! My s is deciding between Colby and Bates (we never had a chance to see Colgate or Bucknell).. I always thought he'd go to Colby if he got in but now he's hedging with the isolated location, yet a strong environmental program. We've tossed a coin and each time it comes out Bates... hmm.. I have to say, a lot more research has been put into Colby on my end only because I thought that had his edge over the past (it seems light eternity) year.
I guess we toss the coin again and send in a check somewhere by Tuesday am. It has to received by May 1st, not postmarked, right?

By Sac (Sac) on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 01:26 am: Edit

No decision here yet. Still visiting schools! Tick tock, tick tock....

By Reidmc (Reidmc) on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 01:34 am: Edit

Sac - you've got the jazz guy, right? What schools are in the running?

By Over30 (Over30) on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 09:00 am: Edit

Sac, we're not visiting, but waiting to hear from a financial aid office that we've called and called, and emailed and emailed, faxed and emailed again. I may have to get on an airplane tomorrow.

We all want this to be over.

By Nannerl (Nannerl) on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 09:56 am: Edit

Reading all those posts reminds me that I went through something similar over two decades ago (okay, longer than that!). I was accepted into all four of my schools -- Brown (then Pembroke), Cornell, UPenn and U of Rochester -- and ruled out Pembroke as too conformist (it truly seemed that way at the time) and Cornell for other reasons. People had been sooo nice to me at Rochester, but I was drawn to Penn by the proximity of NYC (where I grew up), Phila (where my brother lived) and also the academics and reputation. After accepting Penn and withdrawing from Rochester and going out to dinner with my family to celebrate, I burst into tears and became hysterical. (The fact that my boyfriend was going to be at a school somewhat closer to Rochester was a factor, too.) I then quickly shot off another letter to Rochester rescinding my prior letter, and accepted them. Well the admissions folks must have been used to this kind of thing . . . they called my home, I was out, and said to my mother, "We're trying to find out if your daughter is planning to matriculate here." My mom said, "She's going to Penn." It may sound awful to have had her decide, but it was actually a great relief. I had a very good four years at Penn.
I am so happy, needless to say, that I have a son who made a decision, applied ED (Tufts), and couldn't be happier. But I fully empathize with your daughter. Personally, I think she should choose the more challenging school, with the idea that she can transfer if she's unhappy. But I bet she'll love it . . . In any event, please let her know she is not alone in this indecisiveness but that it will all work out in the end. (Note: I went through something similar four years later, with grad school!)

By Sac (Sac) on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 11:44 am: Edit

Reidmc --

Yes, I have the jazz guy (though he does not plan to major in music). Still in the running, in varying order on any given day: Stanford, Harvard, Columbia, UCLA (with Regents Scholarship). He's going down to UCLA today. He applied there in the college of Letters and Science, which does not include the jazz studies program, so the irony is that while it's the university with the most to offer in the way of jazz, it's also the one at which he might get the least chance to play. That's one of the factors he hopes to check out on his visit.

On the other hand, I just realized that with UCLA being one-third the cost (including scholarship), he could probably take private lessons with some saxophonist in LA.

By Valerie (Valerie) on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 07:00 pm: Edit

Plrscott

Congratulations on yor daughter's decision to attend LSU. It will all work out in the end, I am sure of it Tough decision though. Important: daughter happy!!

Valerie