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Happy Mother's Day to all our moms out there. I thought that today (and the coming days) would be a good occasion to ask moms what they feel a mother's role should be in their child's college process. Should a mother's role necessarily be different than a father's? Do any mothers and fathers work together to facilitate the process?

Are there any other issues at work here? Thanks for sharing your opinions.

By Shennie (Shennie) on Monday, May 13, 2002 - 12:35 pm: Edit

Well Dave, I have to admit that I have taken a much bigger role in the process than my husband. I am more interested in it than he is and must admit to having to feel more in control of the process than he does. I also am the person in the family that keeps track of dates and deadlines. However, my husband has certainly been involved. He has done some of the traveling with my son and we have always discussed finances, the different options available, etc. My husband does the taxes in the family so he was responsible for the FAFSA and Profile.

Ultimately, however, we both agreed that the decision was my son's. We tried to get him to take as much responsibility as possible for the process. I would research schools and gave him a list of those I thought he should look at. He made the final decisions about where he would apply and did all the applications. I made travel arrangements for visits and auditions (music major). I went with him for initial visits and hubby went with him for auditions. My son made the final choice of where he wanted to go and hubby and I together decided how we wanted to deal with it financially.

My guess is that the process will be similar for sons #2 and 3. My involvement has been greatest already in trying to come up with an initial list for son #2 to look at (currently a sophomore.) Since he doesn't have a clue what he wants, I thought I would give him list of 25 -30 for him to investigate and start from there. Hubby is perfectly happy to let me do this.

By Dave Berry on Monday, May 13, 2002 - 01:57 pm: Edit

Thanks for your insight, Shennie. Let me play devil's advocate here for a minute. How would you answer those parents out there who would say something along the lines of: How do you expect son #2, who is currently clueless about college matters, to wade into a list of 25-30 colleges? Really. Have you taken the time to cover the whole range of choices in your list, from small LACs to big state universities?

I just thought I'd take advantage of the situation to post what some people will think when they read your statement. BTW, Shennie, are you a professional working mom or a mom whose work is done at home? Thanks again for your thoughts.

By California Mom (Calmom) on Monday, May 13, 2002 - 09:01 pm: Edit

I'll pop in here, with another comment about how the process went for us, son no. #1, also clueless.

I think when my son was a sophomore in college, I began to pick up copies of the US News college editions, or some other equivalent, when they hit the stands. I didn't say or do anything - just bought the magazines and brought them home, laid them on the kitchen counter as I unpacked the groceries. My son snatched them up, took him to his room, nothing else was said.

I live in California and I and my son's dad are both UC grads, both for undergrad/graduate work. I think I always simply assumed that my son would end up at UC, though of course I was happy for him to look elsewhere. But I do think that is why I never felt the need to pressure him or do investigation on my own.

In junior year, we were sidetracked when my son decided he wanted to do a summer foreign exchange - his Dad had plans to take him to visit some midwest campuses over the summer, but the kid ended up on the other side of the globe instead.

In August, after he returned, we talked and he told me that he would like to attend a small liberal arts college. I felt immediately that this was the right choice for him, but I honestly don't know where he came up with the idea. In any case, at that point, he put me to work. I purchased a couple of college guide books, and he asked me to make a list of -- get this -- every single liberal arts college in the United States so that he could look at the descriptions for each. (Good thing that I had bought the "300 best" type books and not something more comprehensive!).

Well, we managed to narrow it down -- I got him to agree to eliminate colleges with strong religious affiliations and those located in states or regions where he knew he wouldn't want to go -- but I did give him his list. (I'm lucky that he's a guy - there are quite a few women's colleges that would have fit the bill otherwise).

We started with about 75 colleges, and he worked his way through the list with a set of obscure color coded marks that he put by each school, then had me give him an edited-down list, deleting those with negative or insufficient positive marks. That brought it down to about 40. From there it was a matter of picking the colleges that most appealed to him; there was some attrition simply because some colleges didn't stand out as being particularly different from "similar" ones that he planned to apply to. He ended up applying to 6 private LAC's.

The good thing about this process for my son was that he really got a chance to think about what each college offered and get a stronger sense of what he wanted. Also, my son really "owned" the process, but I was provided with enough busy work to keep me happy. (I was also delegated the responsibility for tracking various deadlines, helping round up info for specific colleges that had not already sent us their viewbooks and brochures, etc.)

The downside is that it was kind of haphazard and time-consuming, and my son relied a lot on information in guidebooks that turned out to be inaccurate as to some details. If I had it to do over again I would have bought a book called Cool Colleges: For the Hyper-Intelligent, Self-Directed, Late Blooming, and Just Plain Different by Donald Asher, but that book didn't come out until too late for us. But it might have saved some time for us -- three of the colleges my son chose, including his top two choices and the college he now attends, are on Asher's list of the "Top Ten Most Innovative/Unorthodox Colleges".

By hoping to help on Monday, May 13, 2002 - 10:00 pm: Edit

Just wanted to add my own experience -- we are dealing with teenagers here! So it was that my son would tell me, "Don't bother me with this stuff, leave me alone, don't go on those stupid boards, etc.," and then when he wanted information, he would politely ask, "Could you go on your boards and ask such-and-such?"

Because we visit the Berkshires every year and tend to stop into the Clark Art Institute at Williams or go to the theater there, our son had decided from a very early age that he had no desire to go to a small college. Don't ask me why; this kid has known his own mind since birth.

Junior year we visited a bunch of universities -- not a very original group -- in anticipation of his applying early to one of them as his reach. After he fell in love with one, this mother's role was to insist he analyze rationally his attraction to the school in question. I did some homework of my own, and started conversations about his choice until I was persuaded he had thought it through. Then I sat down with him and we came up with a schedule for finishing up various aspects of the application process. As he worked on the application, I helped by reading his essays and commenting on them. My husband participated by being the only person in the household who remained sane throughout all this! ;-) And, because it was my day off, I was lucky enough to be standing at the front door when our son opened the mailbox and yelled from the curb, "There's a BIG ENVELOPE!"
Tears and hugs. What's a mom for?

By Shennie (Shennie) on Monday, May 13, 2002 - 10:36 pm: Edit

Dave - To answer your second question first- I am a professional working mom. I work as a middle school counselor so I have some more familiarity with the process than my husband does.

And as to your first question about my list of 20-30 colleges, it will be based on what I know about my son and where I think he might best function. Right now, all he can come up with is that he wants to go to school in the PNW and probably major in biology or English. My list will include quite a few schools in the PNW, but also schools from other areas of the country. The initial list will probably not include any schools over 10 or 15,000 students because I think he will do better in a smaller environment.

When he is ready next fall, we will go through the list together. I will give him brochures we have received and check out websites. He can then write for more info from the schools he likes. I can also start to get him narrow in on what he is looking for. What does he like or dislike about certain schools? At this point, we are not looking indepth, but on the surface. Eventually, I will get a better handle on what he thinks he wants and be able to expand the search to include other schools that seem to fit his needs or narrow it down further. I am hoping that by Feb. of junior year, he can have a list of 6-8 schools he would like to visit.

Right now, when I hand him books of schools with 300 or 400 listings, he just gives me a blank stare. If I don't give him a starting place, the entire process will feel overwhelming. On the other hand, if I give him a list of 6-8 schools to investigate, he will not have anything invested in the process and it will end up being my college search, not his. I think this method will work for him. It will help him be a part of the process without feeling like he has no guidance at all. I will keep you posted!

By Amomynous on Tuesday, May 14, 2002 - 10:58 pm: Edit

Even though experts would probably disagree, I think a mom's role is to be a mom, to venture an opinion whether asked or not. Moms should try to temper suggestions as much as possible because whatever a mother says tends to be amplified. So, "Do you really think Duke is a good match for you? Why do you think so?" inevitably translates to "my mom thinks Duke sucks". It's okay for Moms to gently challenge their children's thinking but they shouldn't make ultimate decisions for them.

Mothers can also help with certain administrative tasks, like arranging campus visits. They make good sounding boards for essay topics and recommender selections, and could edit.

Fathers should share responsibilities depending on the natural division of labor in the family, their own interest and that of their child.

By amd on Wednesday, May 15, 2002 - 08:08 pm: Edit

Donald Asher's book (recommended by Calmom) seems like a great book. Even though my next kid won't be applying for college for a few more years, I am tempted to buy the book.

By seniordad2007 on Tuesday, June 04, 2002 - 10:44 pm: Edit

Calmom and hoping to help- plase name names of schools. there seems to be a conspiracy on this cc not to name college names. perhaps this explains the lower activity than on review.com
however, the posters seem more sincere here
without the rougue element being present.

By Vidalia on Tuesday, June 04, 2002 - 11:10 pm: Edit

There may be lower activity, seniordad, but satisfaction seems higher, maybe for the reason you cite.

By California Mom (Calmom) on Wednesday, June 05, 2002 - 01:53 am: Edit

Seniordad,

I'm surprised at your question, given the detailed nature of my post above. Which part of our process do you want? The names of the colleges in the "300 best" type books? Our list of 75 possibilities after eliminating schools with strong religious affiliations, undesireable (to us) geographic locations, and all-women's colleges? The 40 that my son was left with after reading up on the 75, and doing his first round of elimination? The 6 that he applied to?

It's no secret on this board where my son is going to college - but it makes no sense to me in the context of my post above that you'd ask. The whole point of my post is, my son figured out his own criteria, and then read college profiles and other information to narrow down his list to those which best fit his ideal. My kid's "ideal" probably isn't the same as your kid's "ideal" -- in fact, my younger daughter visited my son's campus this past October, and when I asked her how she liked it, immediately responded, "it's too small!" Strike one off daughter's future list.......

By Holly Golightly on Wednesday, June 05, 2002 - 05:44 am: Edit

Seniordad, be sure to check the section called "College Discussions - Individual Schools." It's the area where people do name names. If you don't see messages about the schools you're interested in, it's perfectly okay to post and message there and ask about them.

By 1sttimecollegemom on Wednesday, June 05, 2002 - 07:23 am: Edit

I had to laugh when I read Calmom's statement she had to list every LAC. I was instructed by son to list every school in the country located near the ocean with marine science/zoology available. A school having no marine science would be okay if in fact the biology department would let them design their own specialties. Actuallly, I had fun researching this, although I wouldn't tell him this. We then together made out a spread sheet listing factors that were important to him, important to us parents, and intangibles. This was a big undertaking but has proved invaluable. When he gets mail from the school,looked over the website, or visited a school he deletes the ones he's definately not interested in. The list has been narrowed to 10 or so now and he's decided to apply to 7. One reach, four matches, and two safety's. He's just got to narrow down 3 more to get to his final 7. It's been amazing to watch his progress, I think I've been instrumental in his search, because he does ask my opinion on almost all of them, but he also realizes that even if I tell him my opinion and we don't agree it won't stop him from applying. Hubby and I told him long ago, to apply where he wants, and somehow someway, we'll find a way to afford it and make it happen for him. I want him to be happy, first and foremost.

By Dadster on Thursday, June 20, 2002 - 03:51 pm: Edit

That's a great approach, 1sttime, and it should be adopted by more families. Often kids end up visiting or applying to colleges for no rational reason - perhaps they knew someone who went there, or the brochure looked interesting.

Of course, you were lucky to have a starting point - it's tougher when the kid is planning to major in "undecided" and can't decide between big and small, urban and rural, snow skis or water skis, etc.

By Roger (Roger) on Saturday, June 22, 2002 - 09:15 pm: Edit

Seniordad, naming names is fine here. We encourage identifying colleges whenever someone has anything useful to say about them. Of course, some posters may choose to keep aspects of their own family's college process confidential - that's fine too.