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Do any parents (or others) have experience with a situation in which you conclude that your kid is simply not prepared to go to college after high school. (Particularly has not developed good time management skills, ability to defer gratification, ability to set priorities, etc.) What are the options (structured) for such kids? Where does one go to find out about "5th year of high school" type programs?

Having just spent four years of $$$$ on a private school that DD has not taken advantage of, and looking at a kid who does not in any way look prepared to take advantage of college, I'm not anxious to pour money down that rathole just because "it's the expected next step." That seems to me like a very much more expensive version of the expectation of a car in the driveway for the 16th birthday.

This is not a total washout situation. Kid has a B average, but doesn't try, doesn't care. Really just wants to go to college as the move to independence, having acquired none of the survival skills necessary for independent living. (I'm talking academic skills.)

Suggestions?

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 01:29 pm: Edit

Set firm rules about what you'll pay for. For instance, you could agree to pay for her to go to a local college and live at home. If he gets a "B" average, you'd let her transfer.

Another option: You could agree to pay for the college of his choice only if she maintains a certain average.

By Dstark (Dstark) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 01:30 pm: Edit

Maybe a gap year would be a good idea.

By Marite (Marite) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 01:35 pm: Edit

Mauimom:

Has your DD actually applied to colleges? If she has, wait until she gets acceptance letters. Chances are, she can defer going for one year.If you read up the Harvard website, Harvard strongly encourages matriculants to consider taking a gap year. During that year, she could do a variety of things such as working, interning, traveling, volunteering to work on a campaign, etc... The extra year would help her achieve more maturity.
Do not, however, let her take a full load of courses at the local college, because she will then be considered a transfer student and probably in contravention of the terms of her acceptance to her college.

By Jamimom (Jamimom) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 01:43 pm: Edit

There is an excellent book out that addresses this issue more completely than I can. I will look for it this weekend. Take a few hours at a Borders and look in the college book section and you may find it. It is written by a New York mom with a bright son from a great school who was not ready for college and blew his first year. This prompted the author to research the options such kids have and she has done a great job, I feel.

I, too, have had kids who just were not ready to move on. The first was my nephew who pulled too many immature, bad judgement things his last year of highschool that I felt sending him on to college was like sending that school a bomb ready to go off. So he spent a miserable year at home taking classes at cc, working and trying to earn back some priviliges and stressing the family and me out terribly. The second year was a little better and he did end up at a college his third year out and he was ready by then. He transferred to an elite school his 4th year, was accepted to a very selective ba/md program that year and finished college an med school combined in the next 5 years. It was not an easy journey.

My son very narrowly missed the same fate but he managed to toe the line when the ultimatum came, largely, I suspect, because he had seen his cousin's outcome and he really wanted to leave home. He was like your daughter. B average, did not try, did not care. We sent him off to college, well aware that he might come rolling back because he picked a pretty tough school. He was miserable his first year and just got by with a C average. But he did not fail any courses and got all of the needed credits. He swore he would transfer, said he wasn't going back, but he did. He is now in his senior year and I am pretty sure he will graduate. Did not like his experience here. He would have preferred to have played and had fun and done nothing and gotten his Cs that way. Here he had to work his tail off and sweat that he would fail and be grateful for the Cs and occaisional B. But he grew up during that time and though he still is not an academic type of a person, I think he will do well in the work force. He needed to grow up somewhere and college was the halfway house he needed. I was afraid that the step was too steep for him and honestly, I was on the brink of keeping him another year, but he did squeak by me and it seems to have worked out. We are fortunate that the US college system is a sort of summercamp with some baby sitting services. Unlike most foreign schools where the kids are there solely for academic growth most of our residential undergraduate schools make a huge effort to provide a community where the kids can grow up.

I work at an inner city school where the kids really are not prepared to go on to college. But the alternatives for them are very bleak. I try to get them to go to college just to widen their horizons a little and get the idea of college into their brains. To consider it a possibiltiy. To get a taste of a different life out there. That to me is as important or more important than the academic growth.

My son now in high school is not in the least bit interested in academics. He will study theatre in college. My husband mutters that he would be better off getting a job as a waiter to support his auditions and hanging out. Probably true but at age 17-18, I feel better sticking him into a school where he can be with kids his age and grow up a few years before he gets his job as a waiter to support his auditions and hanging out. He needs to go somewhere for the next few years and I don't want him around here. The first one really wore me down and though the outcome was positive, the process was a journey through hell. The probleme with keeping them at home is that they will tend to hang around others who did not go off to school for reasons often more dire than theirs and then there is trouble in the makeing. I was scared to death that my nephew would get too comfortable with that life style and would stick with it till we would be forced to throw him out. It did not come to that but believe me the possibility was always there.
Good luck with whatever you and D decide to do with the next year.

By Mauimom (Mauimom) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 01:43 pm: Edit

Marite, yes, she's applied to colleges:

1 ED rejection (Northwestern)
1 EA deferral (Fordham)
2 EA acceptances (Tulane & Denver)
5 RD pendings (Tisch, BU, Loyola Marymount, Drew, Ithaca)

She's one of these kids who's managed to get by by being smart, as opposed to organized and purposeful. Now she's reached her level of smartness (i.e., she can no longer succeed by just being smart). College will be beyond this and will have a myriad of distractions to pull her away from the work she needs to do. She has not shown/developed any self-discipline to turn off tv, not run AOL instant messenger, etc and get to work.

Thanks for your input.

By Jamimom (Jamimom) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 02:10 pm: Edit

I would look at the LACs carefully. On the Pomona and Stanford thread there is a nice discourse on LACs that I agree with totally. They can often provide the atmosphere needed to make the next step. I would not suggest a huge school like BU in Boston unless she takes a year deferral which maybe she should take anyways. She does not sound that different to me from many of the kids I see. She is not in trouble or destructive. Just not interested in academics. That happens a lot. When she goes off to college she will be forced to give academics more of her focus or she will likely flunk out and/or feel the pressure from her inattention. That in itself may give here incentive to study more. Or she may just be the type who will get by and use college to mature enough to get into the "real" world. Neither of my sons had any interest in academics in highschool despite being smart kids. Don't believe S1 developed any interest in it in college either, unfortunately, but he did grow up and learn to get through difficult material he despises. An important lesson, I believe.

Though a gap year is certainly a possibility, I just want to warn that it can have the opposite effect if it is not carefully planned out. Many kids who take that gap year cannot bear to leave the easy life with no committments. If she is going to take a year off, I strongly recommend that it is structured with specific things she has to do. You do not want to get her used to lounging till noon, working a menial job and then partying all night, making just enough to support her fun and sponging off of the family for her needs.

By Blossom (Blossom) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 02:32 pm: Edit

Mauimom, although our situations are different, I want to encourage you to hang in there and wait a bit before making any decisions. Although our son did well in high school (not in everything, but in most things) he had atrocious work habits, was extremely absent-minded, and was not the sort of mature, disciplined person one would think was ready to move on and out. He chose a college with a notoriously difficult workload as his first choice; we decided not to argue the point since we figured no way could he get in.

Well, he got in. I had a miserable summer after his graduation since I was so concerned that he just didn't have the maturity or life skills to cope with living on his own, let alone do his work, not flunk out, not starve to death or be kicked out by his roommate for never bathing, etc. He also had never really developed money management skills although he'd been working for years and only ate when reminded.

He has surprised us. For every kid you read about in the local newspaper who sounds like 17 going on 40, there are dozens of kids who spend their adolescence-- guess what-- being adolescents! I don't know if your kid is ready to leave home or not, and I don't know if the motivation to stay in school is strong enough to get her past the study habits hump, but I would encourage you to wait before making any decisions. In some ways, senior year is like living with a toddler all over again-- the developmental milestones come fast and furious and without warning.

One thing that helped us-- he won an outside merit scholarship that had a GPA requirement, and we made it clear to him that if for whatever reason he decided that college was not for him, he'd need to enlist in the military or get a job. We would love and support him until he got on his feet, but there would be no deal like "the money we're not spending on tuition you can spend on a car" or "feel free to go off to Europe with your girlfriend until you figure out what you want to do with your life". He had worked a number of menial, minimum wage or worse jobs in high school, so I guess he figured that rolling out of bed at 9 and going to lectures and handing in papers every week or so was a better deal than getting up at 6 am like his parents to get to work on time!

A gap year is great if its HER idea-- i.e. something she wants to do, or if she recognizes that she's not ready for college. I know several kids who spent the gap year living the high life (relatively speaking) and then the idea of spending your afternoons in a chemistry lab sounds too dismal to contemplate once the year is over. Recognize, too, that her peer group if she does some gap thing, will be similarly immature kids.... so lots of reinforcing of those behaviors.

By Ariesathena (Ariesathena) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 02:35 pm: Edit

My older sister was very similar to your kid - smart, just not prepared to go to college. My parents said they would pay for it if she maintained a 3.0. She pulled it off the first semester, but not the second. My dad said that he would have been happier (this was after the miserable second semester) if she had gone to him and said that she wasn't ready for college... it would have been economically better to pay for her to have an apartment and live on her own (with her getting a job) and then going to college when she was ready. Unfortuntately, that didn't happen... and she was about 24 before she realized how nice it would be for someone to pay for her college. Well, she is 25 and has yet to finish school - in part because she proved to be so irresponsible at college that my parents aren't going to pay for it now.

Given that, I would really recommend that you have your D move out, help pay for an apartment, teach her to set a budget, and help her look for a job. Let her know that you'll ship her to college when she is ready for it.

By Massdad (Massdad) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 03:06 pm: Edit

I tend to agree with Blossom. I look at my D with total dismay at times. Even in this application process, she never seems to read the whole letter, pay enough attention to deadlines etc. I COULD conclude that she's not ready for college. After all, she's not as good at planning and organizing as I am. Then I remember how I learned to plan and organize. I then realize that she's been lackadasical about some things because mom and dad are there to do it for her.

The beauty of higher ed is that schools recognize the frosh are still teens. They hold their feet to the fire, but don't throw them into the fire if they screw up. So, what better way to learn than to need to get things done?

Finally, what's the worst case that could happen? That she drops out? Flunks out? Would that be so bad? There are so many ways to restart even after a bad year to two.

So yea, the toughest part of this transition out of high school is that the next steps are, for the first time, going to be done the kid's way. We don't have much choice. But it is essential for growing up.

By Jamimom (Jamimom) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 03:13 pm: Edit

Blossom, your son sounds just like my first son. And much like this second one that is driving me nuts now. I am hoping that getting out of the house bring some maturity along for him as it did for the older one.

Ariesathena, a 3.0 is pretty steep. My son would have been out on his ear at that rate. He blundered through with a 2.0 for the first two years. He just might have a 3.0 this senior year. I know I did not have a 3.0 my first two years either nor did many at my school. They seem to be doing as well, as a group, as those who graduated summa cum laude.

But Mauiimom, honestly, she does sound more typical than terrible to me.

By Garland (Garland) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 03:44 pm: Edit

I concur with Blossom, Massdad, and Jamimom. I also think that 3.0 was pretty steep; wonder if she'd have a bachelor's by now if she'd been given a little more chance to grow?

I also worry about my S's work habits. School has been too easy for him, and he skims the edge of disaster when it's not. Has a year long term paper due in a couple weeks, on two novels. He's halfway through the first.

And he chose a really tough college, with a killer reading list in the required freshman courses. My H and I are getting gray hairs wondering how he'll get through it. But S is sure that in that environment, he'll do it because everyone else is. What should I say to him...I don't have faith you will? I have to believe he'll rise to the occasion; I know he can. Maybe they'll be some bumps along the way, but I think he'll learn more by tripping on them (and learn to watch where he's going.)

By Ariesathena (Ariesathena) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 04:34 pm: Edit

The 3.0 requirement may be steep, but was certainly do-able at her college (which was not difficult academically at all)... she got a 0.8 or something the second semester, which is when my parents decided to pull her out. They did say that a 2.0 or 2.5 would have been fine (accompanied by a few parental harrumphs, but fine) - just something to show effort.

A 3.0 certainly can be steep - I remember my dad getting on my case about my grades... I was certainly working as hard as I could, but the curves were killing me - we ended up in a fight, where I told him that if he demanded a 3.0 and no less, I would switch majors. He told me that I was being overdramatic, and I told him that the chem-e average was a 2.7 and asked if I should make an appointment with the dean.

At any rate, I'm not really a proponent of the strict GPA requirement for anyone... you can ask that they go to class every day and hand in their work, but a strict cutoff doesn't really accomplish much. Rather, (unless they are at a school like MIT or doing a tough major), if they go to class every day and study for an hour or two at night, then they will probably pass with decent grades.

Emphasize that there are three types of students: those who study and don't party, those who study and party, and those who only party. The first two types will make it through, while the last will have the most trouble.

I took several time-management courses before college, which I found immensely helpful. Try to get your kids to take them before they enroll in the fall.

A final thought: freshman courses seem designed more for transitioning from high school to college than for college courses. They hold your hand a bit more (having syllabi passed out at the beginning, lots of review sessions, daily homework assignments, six small papers throughout the semester); the upper-level courses are the ones that really throw you into the fire. That's when we got problem sets which were due in two weeks (and took hours to complete), 20-page papers due at the end of the semester, a project which would be assigned with a month to complete. With these projects, you really need the entire time to work on them - you can't procrastinate the way you could in high school. If your kid walks out of the first of those courses with a C, he probably learned a lesson and will be better off later. I'm sure many of you remember those days well.

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 05:10 pm: Edit

Given that your DD has a "B" average and was doing well enough in school to apply to Northwestern (even though she was rejected, she still must have been overall strong to apply), I suggest that unless she messes up big time between now and the start of college, let her go off to college. Just set reasonable limits on what kind of grades she needs to maintain for you to continue paying her way.

Some students like your DD do manage to get organized and rise to the occassion when they're in college. They really don't want bad grades, adn when they realize that more effort is required than h.s. required, they suck it up and do what it takes. Some learn the hard way and have to take a year off, but after seeing what kind of low level job they have to get without a degree (of course this assumes that parents don't let them do nothing during their year off), they return to college with a strong work ethic.

I wouldn't write her off now. Lots of students go to college and aren't very organized, but still manage to do fine, even to graduate with honors from high level colleges. BTDT.

By Easydoesitmom (Easydoesitmom) on Saturday, February 28, 2004 - 06:54 pm: Edit

MauiMom : I can offer no advice as I am still grappling with this problem . Wonderful kid but very distracted D who also is finishing a 4 years private school with no concept of time management either . She is very bright , does work study faithfully , scores well on tests without studying , always has her nose in a book or doing community service but assigments are always late , always last priority so I understand your worries .

It was suggested that perhaps if she wasn't ready to go away to college , maybe prevent some financial damage by having her start college by commuting from home .

Looked in to all the gap year programs ( expensive ) and she could go to Nepal & stay with her Aunt and do missionary work there but in America , I don't think a gap year would work well .

Jamimom - I sense that you are from the Westchester/ Upstate New York area and wonder what you have heard about Potsdam SUNY ?? D got an awfully good aid package from there and other than Purchase, I think it's the next smallest SUNY college . They are also known for a good Freshmen Initiation program .
O

By Mmhome (Mmhome) on Sunday, February 29, 2004 - 12:24 am: Edit

Wow, there are other parents out there actually willing to admit their kids are goof-offs! Thank you, I thought I was the only one. My DS has an attitude that is "Why study and get an A when I don't do a damn thing and get a C- and pass?" Fortunately, he attends a pretty well-respected prep school and he managed somehow, someway to get admitted to a few halfway-decent LAC's. One very small school even gave him a scholarship of 5K a year and we were so surprised we actually called them to see if they had made a mistake! Anyway, he has chosen a school in Colorado and very seriously looked at me and said "You know Mom, I'm gonna need some skis" I have already spent over 100K on his education and now he wants skis! You gotta admit, the kid has nerve. His father and I gave some serious thought on a gap year but then decided if he doesn't want it it won't work. We have made clear our expectations, he works, he passes, he graduates in 4 years. Then he is on his own. If he flunks out of school, he comes home, joins the army or gets a job, but he will move out and support himself. Get your stuff together and prove that you have matured and we will consider subsidizing college again. Fortunately, I know he can live on his own cause he has been at boarding school, but I know I am going to have some sleepless nights during that first semester at college. (Oh hell, I'll admit it, I'm having sleepless nights now worried sick he is going to flunk a class and not even graduate hs.) Right now he is home for the week-end and didn't bring home a single book or notebook. It will be very interesting to see how he manages colelge with this laid back attitude. By the way, his teachers love him and he is very charming. I am afraid he is going to have a rude awakening when he finds out charm doesn't pay the rent.

By Easydoesitmom (Easydoesitmom) on Sunday, February 29, 2004 - 03:24 pm: Edit

I always felt that private schools have some drawbacks , especially with a block schedule . But then again , she may have blown off a big public school . My son is in a public magnet inner-city high school that's very large and one have to work hard to get noticed by the teachers . At her school , to me , it couldn't be easier for my D to manage her time . The teachers actually spoil her and know her interests and they are very encouraging but it's going to be a rude awakening when she goes to college . She got into Hiram College ( albeit another small school in terms of faculty - student ratio but a more serious atmosphere ) . She hasn't made her decision ( and we are waiting for the aid package).

By Iflyjets (Iflyjets) on Sunday, February 29, 2004 - 04:50 pm: Edit

Ariesathena:

Could you please pass along any more information you have about those time management courses you took before college? Might be a good tool for some of our kids this summer! Thanks.

By Perry (Perry) on Sunday, February 29, 2004 - 05:33 pm: Edit

Interesting article in today's New York Times (2/29/04; web version) about the growing trend of taking a gap year before college. One of the points the article makes is that some colleges like to see kids taking a year off; they tend to be more mature; sometimes the very colleges that reject them accept them the following year, etc. This article may provide you with some ideas about what to do with an kid who does not seem ready to enter college after graduating from HS.

By Chrisjr (Chrisjr) on Monday, March 01, 2004 - 03:13 pm: Edit

a related issue is finding a good prep school that will accept a pg student based on academics as opposed to athletics..It seems like every pg person I know is a jock,,does anyone know of any good pg programs in new england that are not for jocks only? appreciate your answers,,thanks

By Ariesathena (Ariesathena) on Monday, March 01, 2004 - 03:39 pm: Edit

IFlyJets:

During freshman orientation, there were a few time management/study skills courses offered... I attended all of them. There was another one offered after first semester, which my dad signed me up for. My summer job before college was in sales, and our manager was adament about getting us to manage our time well (as we could structure our work pretty much whenever we wanted). Often, during weekly meetings, she would have someone discuss good time management strategies, good ways to keep ourselves organized, etc. I really did learn a lot from that, and having some things repeated over and over helped to assimilate the skills.

My manager stressed that we needed to create schedules for ourselves. She said that we had to plan in our fun time and our work time - otherwise, it feels as if you are working all the time (which is true). She did say that when we were working to not take breaks every other second - for example, when calling customers, not to put the phone down. She said that if we immediately called someone else after hanging up, then things get finished more quickly than if you hang up, get a snack, check your email, and then call someone else. It did apply to college very well - I didn't want to start my math homework, IM people for a half hour, take a shower, do more math, and realize that I started it three hours ago and wasn't done... I would just do the homework and then IM, shower, etc, and felt a lot less stressed.

I know this is a little scattered, but it might be helpful. If I hear about any general time management courses, I'll pass them along.

By Marite (Marite) on Monday, March 01, 2004 - 03:41 pm: Edit

By pg, do you mean profoundly gifted?

A private school that does not take in jocks because it does not have a P.E. program is Boston University Academy. Juniors and seniors are expected to take courses at Boston University. The school has about 120 students 9-12, plus a few 8th graders. It is not a boarding school.

By Chrisjr (Chrisjr) on Monday, March 01, 2004 - 03:52 pm: Edit

Hi Marite, actually I was looking for a post graduate program..I will graduate in June of 05' and am thinking possibly of attending another school for post grad work. unfortunately, the one's I have looked at have PG programs geared to the athlete who wants to improve his/her grades ,,thanks for your response,,I will check out BU academy..

By Jamimom (Jamimom) on Monday, March 01, 2004 - 04:00 pm: Edit

Not many post graduate programs for non jocks because statistically they do not help non jock or non URMS get into better schools.

By Digmedia (Digmedia) on Monday, March 01, 2004 - 04:06 pm: Edit

pg - pregnant
pg - pretty good
pg - parental guidance still needed

By Anxiousmom (Anxiousmom) on Monday, March 01, 2004 - 06:23 pm: Edit

I think kids do a lot of growing up BECAUSE they are in college and forced to do things for themselves. If you wait until they are ready, you may be waiting a really long time.......

By Helena (Helena) on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 10:43 pm: Edit

I understand that this is a place for high school and college age kids, but I was wondering if you have any suggestions for S who is finishing undergrad school and shows lack of motivation and decision. I see many of the same signs of your high schoolers!. Three months till graduation and no plans!! I am very worried.

By Jamimom (Jamimom) on Friday, March 05, 2004 - 08:15 am: Edit

Easydoesitmom, I lived in Westchester County for nearly 4 years and basically got 3 kids through highschool and much of the college processes from there. All of the SUNY schools are very good. The intention was to put in a system like California's but if never got off the ground in size or national attention. I know many kids who went to Purchase for non theatre arts and loved it. S1 has several friends there that he visits. The other little SUNYs I could not keep straight. All of the SUNYs are selective within their stat ranges, which makes it very tough for many kids to get into these schools. Less than half can take advantage of this low cost, good quality system.

The biggest drawback of the SUNYs is the lack of non NY students. Busloads of kids from each area go there, so a lot of the kids know each other well before college. S1 did not like that as a newcomer to NY but now feels it would not have been an issue but for the first month or so.

I now live in an area without so many choices and appreciate the SUNY system more than I did when I lived there. State system, any of them are always short of fund, dependent on the whims of the state and do not often have the frills of a private college but the SUNYs are a great choice.

By Kelly1 (Kelly1) on Friday, March 05, 2004 - 01:09 pm: Edit

Jamimom,

your comments - "You do not want to get her used to lounging till noon, working a menial job and then partying all night, making just enough to support her fun and sponging off of the family for her needs"

So true! This thread is so refreshing because it applies to my situation personally to some extent. Many of your comments just hit the nail.

I think the ideal situation - happy medium - would be that students are self-motivated, and parents would pay attentions, and provide help and the input when they are necessary. It seems that many of the parents fit that mold.
However, I see two extremes in the real life. One is that parents are overbearing and too hands -on - way ahead of their children in their academic career, and the children are passive but comply. The other is the case where children are self-motivated, handling college applications and financial aid all by themselves, and parents are clueless and just cut the check when asked.

My older one (S) is naturally smart but not too self-motivated, and some push from me worked. I know I would have to wait until they become self-motivated, but what if they never do that or do that but not until when it is too late?

By Gacomd (Gacomd) on Monday, March 15, 2004 - 03:43 pm: Edit

I've really appreciated all these messages on readiness for college. I am debating that about my h.s. senior (S).

He has some ambition to do well academically, but time management/procrastination is a problem. In addition to that, it's awfully hard for him to get out of bed for school. I used to work hard at getting him up but now have to drive younger child to school, so am gone before he absolutely needs to get up. He can walk to the school bus on his own, but I'm always anxious that he isn't going to get himself there, or at least on time. He was tested as ADD as a younger kid (now it's just "slow processing speed"), has had problems with depression, which he seems to be coming out of. Doesn't seem to be depressed now and is going through a long process of weaning himself from effexor (yipe--steer clear of that one). I get a sick anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach fairly often, fearing that he won't "function," which to me means do a reasonable job of keeping up with homework and get up and get to school. Maybe because at one time he wasn't functioning and the reason for it was his depression (?).

Anyway, I'm going from a long time of trying to be there for him, be emotionally supportive, see that he gets up and drop him off at school, even trying to help him to get motivated to do the homework when he was down--to hands off, he has to do this by himself because next year I won't be there to do those things, as my husband says.

One question: When kids are absent at his school, parents are supposed to call in and say why. An unexcused absence is grounds for suspension. I might not know if he didn't get to school until I get home from work. I have up till now called the attendance voice mail later and said he was out sick. (He has actually been sick--depressed, or suffering from withdrawal from effexor.) But last week he missed some time partly because he felt somewhat bad from effexor and partly because he was very behind on homework (after a 3-day weekend of not getting much done). I am being told to let him handle it with the school, but if I don't say something he will get suspended. --What to do??
Thanks for any responses.