Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

Hi, I just need commentary on my essay. Please comment on the overall content and writing style, but feel free to comment on anything else as well. Thank you.

Prompt: Mahatma Gandhi said "We must become the change we want to see in the world." Reflect on your world and your place within it. Discuss how you have or plan to effect change in your world.


Mahatma Gandhi and I have one thing in common in that we have both seen worlds plagued by unbelievable levels of poverty. He, however, had political goals in mind when he proclaimed that “We must become the change we want to see in the world.” I subscribe to his philosophy and reflect on how I plan to become an agent of change when I experiencing the poverty in Managua, Nicaragua. While I cannot single handedly make poverty vanish from Nicaragua, my recent trip to Nicaragua offered me some insight on how I can make lives change even on the smallest scale, beginning with my own.

I remember that my stay in Nicaragua began in my grandmother’s very small one bedroom house. The living conditions were horrible, and I began to prepare myself, for what I thought would be my worst vacation ever. All of a sudden, my thirst got the best of me.

“Grandma, can you please give me a glass of water,” I kindly asked.

“Mijo, I’m really busy right now, but if you want water, there is a well not to far from here,” my grandmother responded. “It’s about three blocks from here.”

I thought to myself, “How ridiculous.” Never before had I been forced to walk three blocks to quench my thirst. Due to the level of poverty in Nicaragua, however, I began my three block journey.

I hadn’t yet completed the first block of my journey, and already I was besieged by people who wanted money. Perhaps it was the “nice” pair of shoes that I was wearing that made me an easy to target for these people. It very well could have been the “fancy” cologne I had on that released an aroma indicating to the natives that an American was amongst them. Whatever it was, to these people, I was nothing more than “una persona de plata,” which in English translates to “a wealthy person.”

While I have never considered myself necessarily wealthy, I’ve always known that I am better off living in the United States than in Nicaragua. How well I understood this truth was determined the moment my ears caught a beautiful voice. I didn’t know where this voice was coming from, but my ears couldn’t resist its magnetic force. The sound guided me through the streets, and finally, I found the source of that enchanting voice. I stood before the little girl that would change my perspective on personal property and philanthropy forever. She didn’t know it, but as she sang the lyrics to “La Mora Limpia,” a Nicaraguan folk song, I began to reflect on how up to that moment my world had been comprised of materialistic values. With every word she sang, my mind reflected on every luxury that I have ever bought and never used. I reflected on how my very shoes were considered a luxury to this barefoot child. Overwhelmed by this child’s voice, I gave her all I thought I had, twenty dollars.

I continued my journey until I reached the well. While I filled my grandmother’s bucket with water, I realized that I should have given that child more than simply those twenty dollars. At best, that money, as Emerson put it, was “a wicked dollar,” for I did nothing to change the child’s world. What I had perceived as philanthropy was in reality pity, and pity will only take a person’s intentions so far. Pity did not allow me to understand the girl’s needs, and pity was preventing me from displaying true, heart felt philanthropy. I believe that recognizing my inability to help this child was the first step towards changing the world I am currently in.

After filling my grandmother’s bucket with water, I returned to the singing child one more time as quickly as I could. I didn’t know her name, but I called her out.

“Mija, come here quickly,” I called.

As the little girl approached me, I gave her what she needed most—my pair of shoes and a hug. I realize that my shoes fit her a little too big, but having nothing else, I truly felt that she would appreciate the shoes considering she was walking around barefoot. It was my way of thanking her for changing my perspective on human philanthropy.

As my vacation reached its end I asked my grandmother to keep my luggage and to distribute my clothes to the people within the village. A pair of shoes, a jacket, and a shirt will not save the world from poverty. But my efforts, combined with the relief programs aiding Nicaragua, have left a mark in the hearts of at least a few children in Nicaragua. A pair of shoes and a hug was just my way of starting my own change which will hopefully allow me to become an agent of change.

By Audreyhepburn (Audreyhepburn) on Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 01:03 am: Edit

Hi ISAMAN! I posted on this essay before... I like it! there are some synax problems but overall I think you come across as a very kind person. i'd suggest having an adult or teacher help you rephrase some of the sentences. btw, PLEASE check out my essay- its at the top of the parents forum- "Please critique my essay UCLA THEATER"
Thanks!!

By Isaman (Isaman) on Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 01:19 am: Edit

thank you, and i promise that i will review your essay as soon as i finish my hw. As of now, i g2g...i applied to UCLA also, but as a history major.

Can an adult please read my essay??

By Isaman (Isaman) on Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 09:30 am: Edit

bump

By Isaman (Isaman) on Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 09:05 pm: Edit

bump ?

By Bee (Bee) on Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 09:22 pm: Edit

I think the first two paragraphs could be taken out...start with the dialogue.

By Meredith (Meredith) on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 11:37 am: Edit

Working wells in Managua with water fit for human consumption? I guess there might be a few, but if you are from an educated, middle class background and the Ad. Comm. reader is really savvy, he or she might suspect that you are lying. Still, it is an excellent essay. I agree with Bee about the first two paragraphs.

By Sac (Sac) on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 01:14 pm: Edit

I like this story. But I'd certainly delete the first paragraph. (Quibble in the second: why is it kindly that you are asking your grandmother to get you a glass of water? You mean you asked her politely? Why wouldn't you ask politely? Perhaps, if you want to use an adverb, it should be naively, since you assumed water was in the house. Or perhaps you should not use an adverb.)

Use the space you've save to reflect more at the end on how you would change the situation, since the prompt asks for a plan.

By Isaman (Isaman) on Sunday, February 15, 2004 - 10:50 am: Edit

No...

I am not from the middle class.

I am educated because I work hard.

I am poor, actually. My parents combined income is so low that we are legally poor. So yes, I am not lying.

Thank you for the feedback, however