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So sorry to gatecrash -- I'm no parent, I'll admit. I'm a senior this year, undergoing the whole applications ordeal, but came to this message area out of curiosity and I have been so inspired by the calm, sensitive, supportive posts you all write one another. I know this college quest is the most excruciating experience I've ever encountered and that I wouldn't be able to do so without my angel of a mother -- your children are indubitably struck with the same emotion. Which brings me to my question: I was deferred by my first choice school in December (Harvard, so while disappointing, no great surprise) and so applied to eleven more schools, as well as continuing to apply for scholarship after scholarship. The combination of uncertainty about the future and recurring deadline stress is killer to be sure, but my mother is taking it harder than I am. Even though I completed the majority of my applications (all except financial statements) on my own and am an entirely self-motivated learner/studier, this whole journey is totally decimating her. Ever since my deferral, she has been increasingly emotionally sensitive and prone to short periods of depression over the whole affair. I know she wants only the best for me, but her over-involvement only stretches my stresses to include worry over her well-being. She shouldn't have to be unhappy over this, but my attempts to tell her such haven't gone over well. Without giving the false impression that I don't want her involved in this important decision, I'd like to convey that we've done all we possibly can, and until acceptance letters start rolling in, thinking about it too much does nothing more than make me nervous. Is there some way for me to let her know I appreciate her energy while assuaging her concern? Or is what she's going through an inevitable aspect of parenthood?

Thanks so much
Kat

By Dstark (Dstark) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 12:47 am: Edit

Has she read the thread handling rejection?

By Mattmom (Mattmom) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 08:57 am: Edit

I think what you've just written is the msot reassuring thing you could say to her. You sound as though you are handling the whole process wonderfully well. As a parent who's been through the process once and is now in the midst of it again, I can tell you that there is some weird chemistry that goes in the minds of parents regarding the college application process, and perhaps we turn into kids to some extent, with allt he fears adn insecurities that teenagers suppsedly have and that as growups we aren't supposed to have anymore. Does you college counselor have any commetns regarding your overall prospects (based on how well you've epxressed yourself and the excellent attitude you seem to have), the long-term outlook should be fine. If you're comfortabel with your counselor, perhaps he or she could have a "spontaneous" and supportive chat with your mother.

By Thoughtfulmom (Thoughtfulmom) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 09:43 am: Edit

Katicus, thanks for sharing your thoughts so eloquently. Your empathy, perspective, and maturity are impressive. I'm sure these traits will stand you in good stead--in the sometimes crazy and unpredictable college admissions process, but even more importantly in the ultimate final exam: real life!

"Or is what she's going through an inevitable aspect of parenthood?" I think so...kind of like labor pains. (Thank goodness babies have the gift of amnesia and don't remember all the noise we mothers made when they came into the world--the guilt and angst might traumatize them for life!)

It is a scary time for parents--this business of sending our children off into the world. It's not just watching the craziness of the process of getting admission and facing rejection, it's also figuring out how to pay for it, and--ultimately--it's about launching and letting go.

But most of the time, I think the process works out well in the end, just as most births do.

Although I know (at an intellectual level) I made plenty of noise when my kids were born, what I remember now most vividly is the totally blissed-out state immediately after they were born and I was holding them.

You strike me as exceptionally wise and mature for someone so young--your mother is fortunate to have you as a daughter.

My suggestion: find things to do together that both you and your mother love (that have nothing to do with college!) and enjoy them together while you're waiting for those college admissions letters.

Go for walks through the snow, go ice skating, play board games, volunteer somewhere together, take a yoga class together, go outside on a clear crisp night and look at the stars with her, go to a concert of music you both love, read a play aloud together, get her to teach you her favorite tricky recipes or how to knit or crochet or some other thing she does well that you've never gotten around to learning, sing some songs together, or whatever will make some special memories together in this last year at home, memories you can both cherish in the next phase of your lives.

By Lizschup (Lizschup) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 10:32 am: Edit

What thoughtful posts. Reading these posts has made me feel better about what I sometimes perceived to be my own over involvement. Katicus, as I read your post I saw myself. My son was waitlisted at Harvard RD and rejected at Yale and I found it extremely difficult to separate myself from my son's feelings. In fact I grew up with a mom who to this day doesn't let me own my own problems- she takes them on in such a way that I either avoid telling her problems or I end up minimizing mine so she won't get over involved. So as a parent it is something I also have a tendency to do but I work very hard to separate my child's problems from my own. There is just something about this college process that makes that so difficult to do. I think in part because it represents the end of parenting and motherhood as we've known it. It is probably one of the first times that we have to let go of our parental control in such a dramatic way. There is a good article that I found through links on CC that might help your mom and you. The link is www. parentassociation.com/college/failed_rite..html. It is also mentioned in an article on this site "Confessions of a Prep school counselor". The author is Michael G Thompson. Hang in there. Hopefully as Thoughtfulmom said your search will have a positive outcome.

By Lvdad (Lvdad) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 11:44 am: Edit

The other posts in this thread have addressed your situation more elonquently than I ever can. I just wanted to add that you sound like a wonderful young woman, very mature beyond your years. I know how stressful a time this can be for you and your mother. This can be a very difficult and "wierd" time for us parents. We are trying to walk a very fine and blurred line to help/guide our children through the college search process, all the while trying to know when to back off, and remember that this is their search. All this happens as we try to prepare ourselves for the reality that one of our children is leaving the nest. Over the past year and half, I have been the parent who has been involved with my daughter during her college selction process. At times it has been simply too much emotionally for my wife. The other posters in this thread have made some wonderful recommendations. By all means, do things together with your mother that have absolutely nothing to do with college. Stay connected to her in any way you can. I have seen firsthand that this has helped my wife. I am sure you will be successful wherever you go, and that your mother is tremendously proud of you. Good luck.

By Marite (Marite) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 12:04 pm: Edit

Katicus:

I feel for you. Sometimes, the only cure for hurt and pain is time. Your mother needs time to work through her disappointment. But if it is at all possible to talk about it, you might point out that the Harvard deferral means that Harvard thought you were qualified to attend, but that Harvard is trying to build a class out of more qualified applicants it can admit. In other words, though deferral is not likely to turn into acceptance because of sheer numbers, it is not a commentary on your worth as an applicant. If anything, it should give you and your mother assurance that you are qualified enough to be accepted at other schools.
Finally, while Harvard is a great school, there are other equally good (and equally prestigious) where students can get a top-notch education and be happy.
Beyond this, try to connect with your mom over non-college related activities. Wherever you end up going, this time together is precious. Yu might show your mom the thread about " now that apps you in..."
Good luck and keep your spirits up!

By Emptynester (Emptynester) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 12:40 pm: Edit

"In other words, though deferral is not likely to turn into acceptance because of sheer numbers, it is not a commentary on your worth as an applicant."

Such true words of wisdom! In the last few years we know only two students who, deferred from HYPer competitive schools EA/ED and then waitlisted RD, were finally accepted during the summer. The strain on the family made the normal college craziness look calm. And the students had other excellent offers during RD that they weren't even able to appreciate. Was it even worth the stress? Our approach as parents was that if the schools fortunate enough to receive early apps from our kids didn't choose to accept them... we were finished discussing that school. It was off "the list". IMHO it is much better to move on and get excited about realistic possibilities. And beyond HYP they are probably all very realistic options for this poster and all your kids.. good luck!

By Sac (Sac) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 02:02 pm: Edit

How wonderful to be concerned about your mom's state of mind in the midst of all the intense stress of your senior year. I assume you've found a way to let her know that you're ok now with not going to Harvard and excited about the other possibilities in that list of 11 schools still to be heard from. Perhaps if she knows not just that you're ok but that you're concerned about her, she'll find a role she can still play here, which is to reassure you that she's not disappointed in you but for you.

It's not only hard to let go of children, it's hard after months of involvement in the college admissions process to let go of the college admissions process. No more advice to give, strategies to formulate, deadlines to keep track of... And, if you are the only or last child, there is also a sense of impending loss at work. Of the various excellent suggestions people have made, I especially liked the one of cooking with your mom, or perhaps learning from her any real-life skills you haven't yet, from laundry tips to grocery shopping to packing, time management, managing a budget... A friend of mine gave my daughter a binder full of practical advice on these things that she had given to her own son when he went off to school. It was such a hit that, the next year when my daughter moved into an apartment off campus, I typed up a binder full of recipes, making sure to include her favorites. Perhaps you could ask your mom to put together something like that for you. Your adult life is just starting and she may need reassurance that she still has a role to play in it. And thinking about such things shows her that you've moved beyond the deferral to thinking about your life beyond home, wherever that may be.

By Iflyjets (Iflyjets) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 02:59 pm: Edit

Healthy parents always want the best for their children; it's a kind of biological imperative. So, it's natural that, if your mother believed Harvard was the best college for you, that she will feel unhappy that you didn't get "the best," (at least, not without having the decision deferred).

This is where "keeping things in perspective" must become more than an adage (as hard as that may be at times). You are obviously a wonderful, caring, and wise young woman. Let your mom know that others see these qualities in you; that these qualities are a part of you and will never go away regardless of where you ulitmately attend college. Lots and lots of other talented students will also not be accepted by Harvard, but will still go on to be the wonderful people their parents had hoped for them. So, your mom's "imperative" for you, wanting the best, will come true even at another school, primarily because of who you are.

We parents invest so much in our children, and the college appplication/acceptance process is probably the last big "event" we can help our children with before we (symbolically and somewhat literally) send them out into the world. Of course we want this event to be the "best" we can give them, the pinnacle of our efforts for some parents. It is because your mom loves you that she IS so invested emotionally in this process. I think gently reminding her that, not matter where you attend college, she has done a wonderful job of parenting you (obviously, she has helped you grow into an articulate, exceptional, thinking, and caring person) and has given you the "best" tools with which to craft a happy and successful life. These tools are her legacy, not the college itself; that's the persepctive. She has given you the "best" whether you go.

I think the advice others have given about spending time together is excellent. In the long run, it is these moments that count, and these are the memories that she will cherish well past your college graduation.

By Encomium (Encomium) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 04:43 pm: Edit

Katicus, I just want to say I read your post and you are quite articulate and well-spoken for someone your age, especially when writing in such an informal place as a message board. Did you win the Gold Key or get an 800 SAT II Writing by any chance?

By Vadad (Vadad) on Friday, January 09, 2004 - 05:14 pm: Edit

Kat:
I echo the folks that have branded you a great kid for your compassion and eloquence. Remind your mom your time together on a regular basis is growing short and go do some of that girly stuff with her that Thoughtfulmom suggested. The more time you spend with her, the more she will ease out of the funk she's in.

By Valpal (Valpal) on Saturday, January 10, 2004 - 01:24 am: Edit

Katicus, by now you're sure to be overwhelmed by the wealth of wisdom you've received here. This group of parents is about the most intelligent, insightful, and supportive gathering of people I've ever had the privilege of getting to know. There's not much I can add to the many wonderful insights expressed so far.

Your post did, however, make me think of my situation with my own daughter. Sometimes, I'm quite taken aback by the depth of my reaction to my D's disappointments. She invariably copes with them much better than I do. Often, my immediate tendency is to dive into a deep (but thankfully, brief) depression. I have a history of clinical depression that dates back to my early teens, and have since learned to be on the lookout for the landmarks of an impending mental health detour. Sometimes, major depression can be set off by relatively minor setbacks. I'm not trying to imply that your deferral from Harvard is insignificant, but in the grand scheme of your undoubtedly positive prospects, your mom's response might be indicative of something more serious, especially if it continues unabated for a long period of time. I'm not presumming to know anything about your mom's mental health history, so please forgive me if I've somehow over-stepped my bounds. But if you implement the excellent suggestions made by the parents here, and they seem to come to no affect, you might want to consider asking for help in this matter from family, friends, clergy, or a mental health professional.

Your mom obviously has every good reason to be extremely proud of the young person you've become. Good luck to you!