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I welcome any help. Thank you.

When we met, I was thirteen and sleeping through class; he was trying to struggle through the lesson. It was his first time trying to teach a Sunday school lesson and it was my millionth time trying to sleep through one. At the time, my parents were forcing me to go to church every Sunday even though I did not want to be there. Mr. Jerome was my Sunday school teacher. He would turn out to be one of the best people I ever met.
When I finally did wake up, I looked up at my new teacher and began to size him up. Though he was obviously young, he was already balding with a retro ponytail. His rumpled clothing appeared to have been put on straight out of the clothes dryer. He also had a four day growth of beard. However, I decided that despite these obvious short comings, I would at least try to let him have a chance. I mean, he deserved credit for not giving up on a lesson that had put everyone to sleep in the first place.
I’ve learned a lot from Mr. Jerome but nothing is as valuable as what I learned in the tenth grade. That year, I was diagnosed with a mysterious, unexpected low vision syndrome. I stopped going to church. I always seemed to find an excuse. I was too tired, I had to rest my eyes, I was too sick. Finally, my mother told me I should first, call Mr. Jerome and second, start going to church again.
When I returned to church, Mr. Jerome was planning a trip for the kids to go on a “survival expedition” and I was expected to go. I told Mr. Jerome I couldn’t do it. “You’ll have to do it,” he said. A panic attack set in. My head spun and my chest fluttered. I wondered: Am I going to live through this?
Upon arrival at the site, I immediately knew I had to face my fears. When I started on the course the next morning, I thought I was going to die. However, I successfully made it half way across the course without falling when disaster struck. I slipped and fell. Luckily, I was harnessed in so I didn’t really get hurt. The harness, however, put more pressure on my abdomen than I have ever had before. I felt like vomiting Was someone sticking their finger down my throat?
It was at the moment of sheer agony that I heard Mr. Jerome. He was both laughing and cheering me on, “Bill, you have to do it, you can do it, keep going, man.” I didn’t understand the laughter; he sounded like he was having a good time. Strangely, I realized that I may have been in pain, but it really wasn’t so bad. There were much worse things than being hung by ropes thirty feet in the air. He made me realize that I would live through it. I felt strong, ready for any challenge. Nanoseconds later, I felt my pants. They were at my knees slowly inching their way down my legs.
I was glad to have had that experience. Without it I probably never would have fully understood that things are never as bad as they seem. Without knowing it, Mr. Jerome taught me a valuable lesson. He probably will never fully know what he did for me, but that’s probably for the best. Sometimes the best lessons never end.

By Susu (Susu) on Saturday, January 10, 2004 - 06:36 pm: Edit

Start over. I don't get it at all.
a. Mr. Jerome is someone you met at 13, didn't think too much about, then saw again on a church trp in HS? Doesn't sound like a long-term relationship.
b. What is connection between pressure on abdomen and pants falling down? Pants falling down sounds funny, but you don't use it. (And how do they fall past the harness?)
c. Connection between your vision problem and doing the ropes course? Not obvious. And (hint-hint) if you do have a serious vision issue, play it up. Describe how little you really can see. Get the sympathy of the reader. Make him/her understand just how difficult doing a ropes course would be for you.
d. Really, pick a different incident in your life, or totally re-write this one.

By Marian99 (Marian99) on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 09:59 pm: Edit

Thanks

By Audreyhepburn (Audreyhepburn) on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 10:10 pm: Edit

this essay is a little disjointed, especially since you have very weak transitions between incidents. I would omit the first paragraph- or else change it.
good luck!

PLEASE check out my essay:
"PLEASE critique my personal statement UCLA Theater" It is under the Parents Forum topic

By Audreyhepburn (Audreyhepburn) on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 10:13 pm: Edit

oh, wait... its called "PLEASE critique my essay UCLA THEATER"

thankyou!

By Everet (Everet) on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 10:14 pm: Edit

Um well there's no fluidity in this essay overall. What is your theme? Be more clear. I advise you to re-write this essay. Make it sound like a story that you're telling someone. Sell your essay. It's all about presentation.

My head spun and my chest fluttered. I wondered: Am I going to live through this?

expand...You're just cutting it short. This kind of blocky writing is throughout the essay.

No hard feelings? Just trying to help you as much as I can.