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My daughter was very good about curfews, etc., during high school. Even when her friends got to stay out later, she didn't complain TOO much. Now that she's home from college, though, she thinks that she is exempt from any rules at all. Her logic seems to be, "if I can do whatever I want at school, why should it be different at home? Besides, I'm legally an adult."

This disagreement caused some arguments during her last visit. Has anyone else had to cope with this, and did you come up with any good arguments? Or did you just put your foot down and say "because it's my house, that's why?" Or did you give in?

By MomPa on Tuesday, January 15, 2002 - 09:31 pm: Edit

When our kids were in college, and even when they visit on holidays, now long since graduated, their schedules were/are 180-degrees opposed to my husband's and mine. Our son, for example, will stay out until 3:30 a.m. read until near dawn, and then sleep until 2 p.m.

My husband and I figured it would just be easier to accommodate their schedules rather than create a big fuss. Fortunately, both of our kids had summer jobs all through college that made them get up early, so that put pressure on them to get to bed at a decent hour. That made summers bearable.

My husband and I tried to keep our own intrepid youth in mind when considering how to handle this. We were pretty self-absorbed when we were young so many years ago . . .

By Dadster on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 05:18 pm: Edit

Momerrific, it's kind of a balancing act. Draw the lines you think are important, especially safety related things like drinking & driving, for example. I wouldn't get too excited about curfews and minor rules. Every family is different, of course.

By R Storm (Anonrs) on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 09:45 pm: Edit

It's like dealing with a two-year-old; you want to choose your battles.

By GatorDad on Friday, January 18, 2002 - 09:06 pm: Edit

Absolutely right, R Storm. We've taken a relaxed approach to rules, and everyone is still alive, the house is still standing, etc. Not that kids still won't see how far they can push you...

By Momerrific on Saturday, January 19, 2002 - 10:47 am: Edit

OK, OK, I hear you! I'm not really a control freak. I think that you all have a point - only draw a line when it's necessary. As R Storm suggests, I'll choose my battles... Thanks!

By lamomw on Saturday, June 08, 2002 - 08:40 pm: Edit

It is now Summer of 2002. My daughter is home for summer break and unlike other "breaks" from school to home throughout the year, I haven't felt the need to search for help to deal with different approaches to combat new found independence and college life of no rules until this break. I found a great article on MNSBC entitled "When College Kids Come Home" Since returning home for the summer my daughter has pretty much made home a place to catch a few hours sleep, shower, eat, then off again either to work or to hang out. I never went to college traditionally. I had to work my way through it over many years. So, I feel somewhat resentful when I see the good life being taken advantage of. I pay for college, extra trips, extra $$ for whatever all year only to have the family home used as a flop house. Has anyone else expereinced this the entire summer? If so, have you pretty much allowed it and picked your battles wisely (no drugs, no drinking and driving, etc) (duh)? I feel there should be some respect from these newly higher educated higher cultured kids. What are these kids going to do once they graduate and really have to work only to find out there really is no summer vacation every year? I try not to be a control freak too but when I foot the bills I feel there should be some respect. If they want to live the "free life" let them do it at their own expense and while they are at it they can pay for their own college education too. A venting Mom.

By California Mom (Calmom) on Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 05:02 am: Edit

I'm confused -- you say that your daughter is "off again either to work or to hang out" - so it sounds like she has a job. What is it, exactly, that you resent?

I'm in the same situation, my son is home from college after freshman year. He doesn't have a job yet, but he was out looking for work as soon as he got home, so I'm not complaining.

But what has changed is that my son now cooks meals for himself, cleans up after others (as well as himself) in the kitchen, takes initiative on household projects, drives his sister places without my asking, and basically acts a lot more like a young adult and less like a teenager than ever before. No - he isn't contributing to household expenses, and I am paying a lot more for groceries with him home -- but so far, I'm happy to have him home.

When he goes out with friends I don't ask him where he's going or when he's going to be back unless he also wants to take my car, and his hours are kind of strange these days. But that's not an issue for me. (I don't worry or wait up for him, because the family dog has taken on that responsibility - she always barks a few times to let me know when one of the kids comes in or out.) by the bark

I think that if you feel your daughter is treating you disrespectfully, you should tell her, but be specific about what you want. If her habits are inconveniencing you, or if you feel that she should be contributing more to household chores or for some of her own expenses - say so! But I can't tell from your post whether that is what is going on, or if you just resent it that she's working part-time and spends her free time with her friends instead of staying home. After a year in a college dorm, she is used to spending a lot of time with young people her own age.

By Kat (Katwkittens) on Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 11:00 am: Edit

Hi! New to the board, only my second post. I too, have a "freshman" finishing up her first year away next week... am picking her up at school and settling her into her internship for the summer. I know this is going to sound mean but we (her 4 siblings and I) told her at Christmas she would need to either have an internship (not at home) or remain at her school for summer session, for every summer. She graduated HS last year and was able to matriculate as a first quarter junior with her CC units she took while in high school. She was offered a wonderful opportunity for the summer which will help her academically, career-wise and financially. We as a family knew if we told her early enough she would need to look for something and secure it early, her opportunities would be more numerous and in turn more beneficial to her.
As for when she is here during breaks, (Christmas so far) rules are always the same. My house, my rules. Same for her sibs...no questions. No ROOM for questions.
Ok, ok so I win the award for Mean Mommy of the year!!!
But her siblings have definitely saw the benefits to this approach, her brother (rising junior) is attending a wonderful university program for the summer on scholarship. The next 2, sophmore and freshman both have summer classes, (hs) and their sports practices to attend everyday. So they all know the score, when they are home and when they leave and come back....my rules, and as the kids say "it's not UP for discussion!"

By lamomw on Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 08:20 pm: Edit

California Mom: Thank you for your question. The job my daughter has is in our business so it was a given, along with everything else. I realized my husband and I would have to make certain adjustments when our daughter came home for the summer; I suppose we didn't expect the changes to be so drastic. We have tried to talk to our daughter but she does not seem to understand why she can't come and go as she pleases as long as she works and pays certain bills. She doesn't understand why we would expect her to help around the house with a few chores and she especially does not understand why her lack of respect for us and lack of mature and responsible judgement in other areas (that we won't go in to here) would create a concern as to wheter we should continue paying for college at all, or make her pay her way through so that she would learn to appreciate it. We are talking about a kid that has basically been fed with a silver spoon all of her life that seems very unappreciative of it, basically. Plus, I agree with kat, if you want to live in my home you live by my rules. If you don't want to live by my rules then you are free to live somewhere else. We have explained this to our daughter but she does not want to have to move out because she has no where to go. So, we continue to suggest she follow our rules, which we feel are pretty liberal but not the same freedom as dorm life, we admit. Our other concern is the fact that our daughter has come home and chosen to "hang" with people totally different from those people she was friends with before college. To be blunt, she hangs with losers. Why should we continue to pay for college when her goal in life is to be just like them?

By Ohiomom (Ohiomom) on Sunday, June 09, 2002 - 08:59 pm: Edit

I guess my first question is what was she like before she went off to college? You say she has been fed with a silver spoon all her life and seems unappreciative of it...was she ever appreciative? Or has she been allowed to expect the silver spoon to always be full? If she has never been appreciative or respectful of what she has been given in life, it's not fair game of you to to be angry now that she is not behaving differently.

Hindsight is always 20/20, but parents who give, give, give to their kids and never demand respect or appreciation for it and then when the kid reachs a certain age or stage of life expect them to somehow realize that they should be more appreciative etc. are just setting themselves up for a big disappointment. Kids rarely appreciate anything that they think they are entitled to.

I also sense that you are tempted to pull the financial rug out from under her because you are not happy with her current choice of friends and other habits that you chose not to go into. That is your perogative, however you will definitely set yourself up for alienation by her if you do so. Maybe you should first consider...Is she performing up to her abilities at college, are her grades where they should be? If she is doing well in school, then her choice of friends and new habits aren't hurting her education, that you are paying for. If she's not, then maybe you should set some guidelines on what your expectations are for school and if she follows, you pay, if she doesn't, she pays.

I don't have a child in college yet, but we have already had the discussion that we will pay for her college education as long as she is giving 100%...if she doesn't, because of reasons like too much partying or neglecting to take it seriously (which would be highly irregular for her) she will have to find her own means of paying tuition etc. My children have been given every advantage I could afford in life...but they also have had to show respect and appreciation for it.

By California Mom (Calmom) on Monday, June 10, 2002 - 04:58 am: Edit

Lamomw, I don't envy you. It sounds like you are having issues with your daughter that simply haven't arisen with my son. I mean, I've quit telling my son what time to be home, but my son isn't really doing anything at home or away that bothers or concerns me. He seems pretty normal and level-headed for his age.

I do want to say that if you get into a battle for control with an over-18 child, you will lose. Inevitably, the child wants and needs independence, and fighting will tend to push the kid away. I went away to college at age 16, and when I came home Christmas break got into a huge argument with my mother over the control/curfew issue. She told me that I was still under 18 and had to obey her rules. I told her, fine - she wouldn't see me at home again until I was past 18 ... and I stuck to that. I didn't come home even for a short visit for years. I was perfectly happy with that outcome... but I'm not sure it is what my mom really wanted.

Don't tie money and financial support to control issues like choice of friends or hours -- but it should be tied to issues like school performance. But I agree with Ohiomom - those issues ideally should have been discussed before she went away.

The reason I say don't tie the money to issues other than school performance is simply that you are opening up another can of worms that way, and you will end up fighting over everthing. Telling a college student that they need to maintain their grades at a reasonable level and make appropriate progress toward their degree is simply setting an objective bottom line.

But money/financial support to continue school is a different issue than the living at home issue. If it's not working well at home, you need to sit down with your daughter and discuss the areas that are causing conflict. I would suggest that if you don't get her cooperation, try to cope this summer, but tell her that she needs to make other plans for the following summer.

Good luck - it sounds like your daughter still has some growing up to do.

By lamomw on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 - 10:12 am: Edit

Ohiomom and California Mom: Thank you so much for your responses. Yes, my daughter does have much growing up to do; I failed to say in any posts that she is developmentally delayed by about two years and suffers from a learning disability (not retardation but a learning disability ADD/dyslexia). To look at my daughter you would not know any of this. She did wonderful in college her first year, even surpassing our expectations by receiving a 3.92 GPA, Academic Honors, and placement on the Deans List. We have never experienced any problems of disrespect by her nor has she ever showed an unappreciative attitude towards the things that she has been given in life. When I say she has been fed with a silver spoon, don't get me wrong, we are not rich by any means. It was simply rare when she wanted things (dance lessons, voice lessons, ministry trips, clothes, a car) that we did not provide. But like I said she was always appreciative of the extras that we gave. She has worked all of her teenage life (16) (so be it in the family business) but she has worked and was always very dedicated to it. I have to also share that she still is very dedicated to working when she is scheduled about 35 hours per week. She is a GREAT young adult that is very easily persuaded or milead to follow the crowd simply to have friends because they are very hard to come by for these type (kids with LD) kids. Because of this, I am concerned about her friends (drug users, drinkers, losers), the places she choses to "hang" with these friends (X-clubs), and the hours that she keeps with these friends. I should also tell you that our daughter was raised by good christian morals so this is very much out of character for her (and she knows it). If my daughter was simply staying out until all hours of the night with people I approved of I would not have such a problem. However that is not the case and there is more than our monetary investment involved here. There is a very deep love and a lot of emotional energy that personally went into helping her to be the person she is or was before she left for college 10 months ago. Of course all Mom's put a lot of energy into their children's lives but when you have a child with a learning disablity you honestly invest so much more time and energy, most of which is very emotional. So, I can understand why your responses would be steering me away from putting my foot down so harshly but on the other hand I feel deep in my heart, given all of the facts (which I initially failed to reveal), your responses might be a little different. Sometimes when our kids are doing really great academically we tend to forget about the other issues surrounding their lives. I do, however, appreciate your responses very much. My best approach, as has been in the past, is to seek the advice of a therapist that is trained to help both my daughter and me come to an amicable resolution to this issue. Thanks again for your posts and feel free to respond as you feel.

By Ohiomom (Ohiomom) on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 - 05:24 pm: Edit

Thank you for adding the extra information, it definitely goes a long way toward explaining your angst. As I don't have any experience with the problems your daughter has, I'm not going to even attempt to offer you advice on how to handle things. I think you're headed in the right direction by consulting your therapist and seeking her assistance.

I wish you and your daughter the very best and keep us posted. I'll send up a few prayers for you both

By Adad on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 - 06:29 pm: Edit

Lamomw, my advice is to decide which items are not negotiable. I've had to deal with a strong-willed kid from time to time, and any sign of weakness on a topic is an invitation to a battle.

It might not work with every kid, of course. But if you approach the topic with confidence & don't attempt to debate it, it may work out your way without as much resistance as you expect.

By California Mom (Calmom) on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 - 09:13 pm: Edit

Lamomw,

It sounds like you are having some problems letting go. Your daughter may be simply growing and exploring, but she also may be going through a little bit of rebellion -- if so, you need to make sure that you aren't fueling it by your response. (That is, if the fun in some of these friendships is the fact that it is pushing mom's buttons -- maybe it's better not to show your angst and disappointment).

My son is dyslexic, and I know that with learning difficulties it is easy to fall into the trap of being overprotectiven -- but the truth is that neither dyslexia nor ADD should be used as an excuse for poor judgment in friendships, especially not for a student who is able to do well in school. I can see how the high school dropout with low self-esteem will easily fall in with the wrong crowd -- but your daughter has made Dean's list. Whatever problems she has had in the past, she clearly has overcome them or learned to cope.

At the same time, choice of friends really should be something that is up to your daughter. You need to sort out the things that you have a legitimate need to be concerned about from those that are simply a reflection of the fact that your daughter is a different person than you are and is making some different choices.

I'm wondering if you are being overjudgmental about these new friends, who you characterize as being drug users, drinkers, "losers". Are they really all that bad? Or are these young people who drink and use common recreational drugs (like marijuana) casually, but otherwise lead ordinary lives, attending school or working? I'm not trying to excuse underage drinking or illegal drug use, but it is very common and many young people begin experimenting in college -- they aren't all "losers". It may be that you are making assumptions or passing judgment based on some unreasonable expectations on your part.

I think the key is your statement that if your daughter was spending time with people you approved of, you would not have a problem. Once your child is college age, I do not think that as a parent you should expect to be able have a role in "approving" of friends. If your daughter is over 18, then it is definitely her business, not yours, to choose her friends - especially as you say she is working 35 hours a week and doing a good job. If your daughter is under 18,(you seemed to indicate that she is 16 in a post above) then you really have to do some thinking about the choices that have been made already by allowing her to leave home and attend college early.

Good luck. I hope it helps to have a different point of view - I don't mean to attack you, only to point out that perhaps you need to look within yourself to better understand the problem.

By lamomw on Thursday, June 13, 2002 - 07:52 am: Edit

Thanks for all the advice. California Mom, I can understand your point of view to a certain extent. My daughter is 19, socially 16. That is the developmental delay. I agree that learning disabilties should not be used as an excuse for poor choices or bad decisions. However, it is the developmental delay that I fall back on. I understand each person goes through certain developmental stages in life and they are stages in developmental growth that either occur at chronological age or at a different age. My daughter is at the chronological age of 19 but like I said socially 16. She is making the choices that I would expect of a 16 year old instead of a 19 year old that has worked so hard to succeede to the point that she has academically. Yes, I have proof these "friends" are experimenting with drugs and alocohol and I wish it was the recreational use of these items that we experimented with in our youth. However, I am not talking about a casual joint or a beer. This is serious use of ecstacy, cocaine, heroine. Believe me I would not be as concerned otherwise. I must ask you, as a Mom, if your son was exposed to these drugs through the people he chose to be his friends, would you feel the same way? My daughter still takes an amphetamine for her learning disability to help her focus (not invert numbers, letters, etc...) This is of major concern to me.

As far as my way or the highway...we pay $30,000.00 in college tuition every year so that she can go to college to hopefully make a better life for herself. I can't see making that same investment next year because of her wreckless choices during her summer break. A parent has to draw the line somewhere. It is my opinion that if I continue to provide my daughter with a job, a roof over her head, a very expensive college education and she continue on the path she is, she is doing so because I am enabling her to do so. I contribute to the problem by not making her make some serious choices about her life. It is the same as if I was dealing with an adult alcholic. If that person that I might consider a friend continues to need help with money, food, etc. because they make the poor choice to buy alcohol instead, and because I am a friend, I continue to help them in those other areas...I am enabling them to continue being an alocolic instead of helping them.

I agree, I should not choose her friends. However, her choice of friends is my responsibility if I know for certain that by being with those friends, knowing what they do for recreation, could possibly lead to her death. Now that is a bit extreme because it is not at that point yet. However, it is something I must consider. Additionally, it becomes a reflection on me. We live in an extremely small town, we run a very Christian business, which supports her college education. Do you think our business will continue to prosper if our clientel knows that I know my daughter chooses to hang around people that spend their spare time doing recreational activities that do not glorify God? Hypocritical as it may seem I must too consider this scenerio.

I am in a Catch 22 situation. I either practice tough love or look the other way and pray for the best. I can feel the struggle my daughter is going through. She wants friends so badly and thinks these are the only people that will be her friend only because she has not looked anywhere else. Like I said, she looked for them, they did not look for her. What does that say about her self esteem? I still feel as a Mom, as ever so gently as I can, I must practice tough love. If she wants that kind of life don't expect me to pay for it either through providing her a job (which we do) to put a roof over her head, feed her, cloth her, or provide a college education for that matter. Personally, we agreed to a college education for a better life...not for a life of self destruction.

I know you are not trying to attack me. I have searched within myself and see a lot of me in my daughter. Although, I was 14 when I walked the path. Both sides of her family roots have Obsessive Compulsive Behaviors and addictive behaviors. I don't want her to wander the path of destruction that I have experienced in my life many years ago. It is called protection. Although I am still here, it took many, many years to become the person that I have today.

Thanks for your posts though and feel free to respond.

By California Mom (Calmom) on Friday, June 14, 2002 - 12:37 am: Edit

Lamomw,
Thanks for explaining the situation. One problem with these boards is that we really don't know one another, so I could not tell whether you simply were a naive parent. But obviously you have been through some rough times in your own life and you clearly have a reason to be upset with your daughter's choice of friends.

I really don't know what the answer is. The problem with cutting off college money is that it may be counterproductive, if your daughter is attending college some distance away. That is, perhaps it is only the local friends who are the drug users -- at college she may have a different set of friends, and so going back to college in the fall may be the best way to put distance between her and the unsavory friends she is spending time with now.

Also, you don't want to create barriers at the time in your daughter's life when she may need you the most. Ultimatums or threats might simply drive your daughter away.

Actually, given the seriousness of your concerns, I think you should try to get advice or counseling from someone local - the pastor for your church might be a starting place. I understand your concerns about your own reputation, but at the same time it is unfair to impose values on your daughter that are more restrictive than the norm because of it. That is, there is a middle ground between hanging around with junkies who are abusing heroin and cocaine, and only engaging in activities that glorify God.

Do you think your daughter is also using these drugs, or just hanging out with the kids who do? Have you asked her why she likes to hang out with these kids? If you can get your daughter to talk to you, I think opening up lines of communication and listening to what she has to say would be an important first step.

Please don't assume that your daughter's habits now mean that she is inevitably headed for a life of self-destruction. If you think that she is abusing drugs or alcohol you may have to step in to get help for her, but otherwise this could simply be a passing phase. I realize it is also a risky phase, but the problem with the tough love approach is there is no going back.

What doesn't make sense to me is the picture of the dean's list student, working 35 hours a week, at the same time falling into some sort of life of iniquity. I mean, somehow she is keeping her head well above water here. Something just doesn't fit.

You asked me whether I would feel the same if my son were "exposed" to the same sort of drugs through his friends. The word "exposed" is what raises questions for me. Quite frankly, it doesn't really bother me to think of what my 19 year old son, or my 14 year old daughter might see others doing -- but we live near a major urban area, so it's possible that this is simply because urban parents plan more for this exposure in their child rearing practices. I mean, we start talking to our kids about this stuff very early. "Exposed" is not the same as "doing" .... and I really don't know what your daughter's situation is.

Anyway, I guess in the end you have to make your own decisions. My main point is that you don't want to drive a wedge between yourself and your daughter that will make things worse.

By Dadster on Saturday, June 15, 2002 - 02:02 am: Edit

Sometimes kids seem to adopt different personalities at home... the capable, independent student reverts to less mature behavior when he/she comes home to mom & dad...

By AnonymommyCA on Sunday, June 30, 2002 - 03:11 pm: Edit

I haven't visited this board for awhile, but found this thread interesting. I have one daughter going away to college as a young 17 yo this coming August and another still in high school. We have had fairly strict house rules all along. My daughter is being allowed to go away to college at an early age with the understanding that she will follow certain rules while at college. She has always shown good judgment in choices in what she participates in, but not always good judgment in choosing friends. While we have been gradually loosening the reins, I think we will always have rules as long as we are supporting the girls.

I am in understand what LAMomW is struggling with. My kids have grown up in a semi-urban area of California and have been exposed to drug and alcohol use, meaning they know about it and have many friends who use drugs and alcohol, but they do not. It probably helps that their dad is a prosecutor. They have grown up hearing about tragedies in the lives of those youngsters (and adults) who overindulge in alcohol and use drugs. My husband and I are both proud to say that we grew up through the sixties and seventies without even trying marijuana. We believe in being a role model for our kids. In other words, we lived through a time when "everybody was doing it," but we didn't--so our expectations are high for them.

We also approach it from the standpoint of what is breaking the law. If there is a law against it, you don't do it. We will not flip out if our daughters, upon reaching the age of 21, want to have a social drink from time-to-time. It is abuse and lack of social responsibility that would upset us.

My daughters both have friends who seem to be able to party on a frequent basis and still maintain high grades. I imagine it will catch up with them eventually, but who knows how long it will take. Assuming that a student isn't overindulging or abusing because they are maintaining high grades and holding down a job is turning a blind eye toward a catastrophe waiting to happen.

LAMomW, your daughter is still young enough to be influenced by your guidance. I would never approach her while angry. Maybe you can sit her down and tell her why you are concerned or write down your concerns and let her read them. Ask her what her goals are. Ask her if she believes she will reach her goals by hanging out and partying with her current friends. Ask her what her friends' goals are. I think you need to have house rules that apply to her and if she isn't willing to abide by them, I would suggest she transfer to a college that she can afford. This is tough because I know you want her to succeed no matter what, but you may need to force her into becoming more responsible.

I also have experience with having an ADHD teen. I am assuming that when your daughter was diagnosed, her doctor explained what goes on chemically inside the brain that makes a person ADHD (sorry, that is a poorly constructed sentence). My daughter takes Adderall. One of the things that the neuropsychologist explained to her is that she should absolutely stay away from alcohol (staying away from drugs goes without saying). People afflicted with ADHD already have suppressed dopamine levels. Drinking alcohol suppresses the dopamine level even further--the results, according to her doctor, is someone "who gets sloppy drunk very quickly."

As for normal experimenting, it can have tragic results. I live in an nice, upper middle class neighborhood. In April, a 17 yo girl died at an Ecstasy party just around the corner from me. She was not a frequent partyer. According to her mother, they had had many serious talks about not using drugs. She died from the Ecstasy she took at the party, her first use of it. She felt ill, fell asleep at the party and was discovered dead the next morning.

I wish you all the best with dealing with your daughter. Your thoughts/concerns are on the right track, so hang in there. Please keep us posted about how things are going.

By Vamom (Vamom) on Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 04:21 pm: Edit

lamomw,
I just read this and am wondering if things are better now, I sure hope so. An important question - is she hanging around the same type of kids at school? If so I would seriously consider having her transfer to another college, especially since she is socially delayed - perhaps a christian one, there are several that have high academic standards.

By Darlene (Darlene) on Sunday, December 01, 2002 - 01:11 pm: Edit

I have enjoyed the conversation--especially the issues with children with ADD or dyslexia. Can you guys provide any suggestions for colleges if a child has ADD? Any region in the country would be great. What resources did you use? Any websites,books etc that you found helpful? How did you tackle the whole college process for your child with ADD. My child is using Concerta and has mediocre grades.

By just the mom on Friday, January 10, 2003 - 02:00 am: Edit

As Dadster mentioned, it is true. Our daughter does well at college, her second year but when she comes home and enters that front door somehow we become the parents and she is, again, our daughter in the household that we lived for 19 years with her and at times it gets uncomfortably familiar. There are times of maturity and it seems at Christmas she was home for 3 weeks, no work and really no great responsibility for this break. We allowed her a vehicle and paid for the gas and fed her and her friends that came over and showered her with Christmas presents for the only child that she is. As we have always been against drinking under age and tell her that although we do not agree with the partying that she does at college we feel that she will be responsible about her drinking and not getting into a car with someone who was drinking and is the driver. We would really be burying our heads in the sand if we were to think that she didn't drink and I asked her and she told me she did but she doesn't go crazy with it. I know one thing about my daughter and that is during the summer we tell her that she has to work and when she does get a job she is well liked, very motivated and shows great initiative at work. When she doesn't work she reverts into sounding like a spoiled kid that should be treated like a princess. Having a job really shows kids of all ages how hard it is to make money yet they feel good about themselves doing a good job and they grow mature with having to deal with responsibilities. It's the best thing you can do for your college kid or any working age kid besides making them choose a sport and staying with it during their pre-college years. Tell them that without a doubt that they have to get a job during the summer.