|By Angelflower (Angelflower) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 07:33 pm: Edit|
"The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves".
In my 9th year of schooling, I had an excrutiating time preparing myself for upcoming finals. I had 2 weeks to study and my procrastination was causing me immense amounts of anxieties. This stress ultimetly, led to more severe consequences that effected me both personally and physically.
My story goes back to the last week of my freshman year in high school. I had been intensly studying for a number of difficult finals. Time was catching up with me, so I decided to take some drastic measures. The last four days before my finals, I began to stay up all night for each of the four days, taking in caffine as my only source of staying awake. When the day of my finals finally approached, I felt groggy and tired during each final and, I wasn't able to focus. The next day, I began to feel an acute pain on the side of my stomach. Thinking it was nothing, I ignored it. By 5th period a second, but this time a more severe pain, struck my side leaving me unconscious. The next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed with three doctors hovering over me. After I got enough strength to utter a word, I asked what had happened. The doctors informed me that I had gotten an ulcer. And the cause was from the stress and the large amounts of caffine I had consumed.
Therefore, I had to stay in the hospital for three more days. Which caused me to miss my last day of school. The ulcer also prohibited me, to this day, from eating foods that I love. Also, a month after my diagnoses I recieved my final test scores. I was devestated to see that I had received two C's and a D on my finals. The result of my grades tainted my grade point average and lowered my chances to get accepted into an accredited college, that left me emotionally inept. So, because of my decisions to procrastinate I attained an ulcer that forever limited the foods I could consume and, also resulted in failing grades that left me emotionally depressed.
Please excuse typos and grammar errors I had a short amount of time to type this up. Please grade this from the scale of one 1-6.
|By Athlonmj (Athlonmj) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 07:56 pm: Edit|
I'd probably give it a 3.
You sort of digress from the main issue and you only use one example in which you start rambling a bit. Your can maybe alter your thesis to better fit the essay prompt. I suggest less storytelling - perhaps concisely summarize your situation and it's impact and then add some more concrete examples that relate to the essay prompt.
Just my 2 cents. Good luck
|By Zoogies (Zoogies) on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 07:41 pm: Edit|
I'm just wondering why you used so many unnecessary vocabulary words. It makes it sound more formal and takes away from the flow. It's not as if excruciating is an uncommon word, but phrases like 'emotionally inept' and 'forever limited the foods I could consume'...it just doesn't feel right for the type of essay you're writing.
And...'At the end of freshman year' would be a lot better than 'In my 9th year of schooling' IMHO. Your story reads like you used the thesaurus on every other word, so...I'll say a 3, too.
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