I'm begging you- Please rate my essay

Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

Discus: SAT/ACT Tests and Test Preparation: June 2004 Archive: I'm begging you- Please rate my essay
By Laurenh87 (Laurenh87) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 09:10 pm: Edit

This essay sucks, I know. It's my first one (yeah, I don't procrastinate or anything) and it is terrible. But please, if you can, give me some constructive criticism and suggestions for tomorrow. I would really appreciate any help at all! Thanks! (PS- the paragraphs aren't separated for some reason)

Topic: "The end always justifies the means"

* When faced with adversity, it often becomes necessary to resort to undesirable problem-solving methods. Be it the unfair treatment of an ethnic group or the suppression of civil liberties, leaders must sometimes sacrifice tenets in order to achieve a goal. However, despite the alledged importance of a goal, never does it constitute the reneging of ideals. This has been demonstrated time and again in the United States- a clear indication that “the ends do not justify the means.”
* In the midst of WWII, as fears grew greater and racial tolerance lessened, President Roosevelt made a crucial decision in allowing for Japanese internment camps. The tragedy of Pearl Harbor had created an atmosphere of extreme xenophobia, especially in regards to the Japanese. Ultimately, to quell the concerns about Japanese-Americans’ loyalty, Roosevelt authorized a massive relocation, in which thousands of families were forced to reside in camps. Roosevelt cited national security as reason for this action, however in retrospect, there was never a valid threat. Sadly, thousands of patriotic Japanese-American families were forced to abandon their lives and liberties and remain in these pseudo-prisons.
* Today, we are witnesses to another example of unjustified means for the purpose of a goal. As the war on terrorism wages on, the liberties of Americans are confined under the USA Patriot Act. While this act should ultimately augment national security, the damages it is causing now are permanent. Freedoms to privacy are suppressed, rights to free speech are compromised, and the very foundation upon which the country was built is being threatened. While the goal is noble, the means are unacceptable.
* In tenuous times, certain sacrifices must be made. However, as shown by the history of our country, there are limits to what means can be used to attain a goal. For in most instances, even the most dignified goal does not justify deplorable means.

By Curtisny (Curtisny) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 09:11 pm: Edit

meh...too wordy

i'd give it a 4

By Encomium (Encomium) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 09:14 pm: Edit

You guys grade too hard!

this would get a 6

By Encomium (Encomium) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 09:19 pm: Edit

If you see the essays they give 6's, many of them are pretty weak actually, I think this demonstrates strong competance...they only read it for like 2 minutes

By Laurenh87 (Laurenh87) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 09:21 pm: Edit

Thank you both for the feedback! The question said choose one example- are you supposed to actually only choose one or should I have done two? I'm so used to doing extra examples when I write. Do you always listen to the prompt about how many examples to use? Thanks!

By Satchamp (Satchamp) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 09:40 pm: Edit

im such a nice person!!

By Curtisny (Curtisny) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 09:41 pm: Edit

i was just kidding by the way...

This essay is certainly a 6. Basically if you nail all your grammar and write at least 4 paragraphs you'll get a 6

By Laurenh87 (Laurenh87) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 09:42 pm: Edit

LOL Curtisny- I completely missed the scarcasm. I feel a lot better now! Thank you all so much for the advice and for being (perhaps overly) kind!


By Conker (Conker) on Saturday, June 05, 2004 - 01:56 am: Edit

This essay would score a 5, maybe a 6. The writing style is sophisticated, and the structure is highly effective. There are very few errors in mechanics. And to top it off, the essay is eloquently written.

You used examples from history and current events, which is excellent, but it would be even better if you could find an example from literature or personal experience. Your first example is a tad weak. You admit that "there was never a threat", suggesting that the camps did not fulfill the ends for which they were originally instated. Try to pick examples where the effect is impeccable but the cause deplorable.

I think that you will very easily score a 10-11 out of 12. Slight improvements in content will help you attain that desired perfect score. :)

By Deor (Deor) on Saturday, June 05, 2004 - 02:38 am: Edit

I wouldn't really be able to judge your essay, but 'pseudo-prisons' seems to be not the word you meant.

By Silverstar (Silverstar) on Saturday, June 05, 2004 - 04:41 pm: Edit

at LEAST a 10.

I keep telling people not to fret about the essay portion of the SATII writing...I wrote six sentences and didn't use to the back side of the page, yet I still got an 8. (an 8 sucks, but considering how painfully short my "essay" was, its pretty damn good)

Your writing sounds good, you should have no problem scoring a 10+ provided you don't panic like I did.

By Amylase (Amylase) on Sunday, June 06, 2004 - 09:09 am: Edit

9 don't use words that you are not comfortable using just to impress the essay grader.

By Jarchivist (Jarchivist) on Monday, June 07, 2004 - 05:00 am: Edit

Considering the length of your essay, the background in paragraph two seems a bit long. I'd extend your essay a bit more.

Very nice choice of examples - good parallel between the situations but you should make that more clear with your topic sentence of the 3rd paragraph.

Reducing the number of prepositions that build on each other. Work on the clunkiness of some of the sentences.

The ending feels like it's dangling: stronger conclusions are good.

SAT II likes 5 paragraph, well-structured and developed essays.


Report an offensive message on this page    E-mail this page to a friend
Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.

Administrator's Control Panel -- Board Moderators Only
Administer Page