|By Teal (Teal) on Thursday, June 03, 2004 - 01:39 am: Edit|
First, I have a question: where can you write a rough outline before you actually do the essay? in the packet??
Essay - - please rate out of 6 and offer suggestions.
~~America has been the product of reform. Americans have always been passionate in bringing about change. They have sought to reform thier nation religiously and socially.
~~Prior to the First Great Awakening, religious fervor was declining in the United States. For instance, church attendance was lower. Therefore, zealous men like Johnathon Edwards and George Whitefield sought to change this situation. With divine eloquence, they preached with fiery emotion, awakening and revitalizing the people. Religion was finally alive in the Americans' hearts.
~~The Progressive Era also sparked massive reforms. The Progressives used thier creativity and talent to improve the nation. Jacob A Riis, a photojournalist, took pictures of the horrid conditions of tenement living, and thus opened the nations' eyes to the misery of poverty. Furthermore, Upton Sinclair disgusted America with his novel The Jungle where he described the carelessness and dirtiness of the meat packing industry. The Meat Inspection Act was passed as a result of Sinclair's passionate action.
~~These people in history first determined what they wanted to change and set about accomplishing their goals. They cared about the nation they lived in. With patriotism and passion, they produced enduring effects, improving the lives of many.
|By Tan125 (Tan125) on Thursday, June 03, 2004 - 01:44 am: Edit|
whats the topic of the essay?
|By Teal (Teal) on Thursday, June 03, 2004 - 02:21 am: Edit|
The topic is : to discuss either of these points:
"there has always been great passion to bring about change "(what i did) or passion to keep things the same.
Oh, and please answer the question above if you know.
|By Haruhara (Haruhara) on Thursday, June 03, 2004 - 10:37 pm: Edit|
good examples, but they aren't powerful enough... how about reform on a much larger scale, like the civil rights movement?
|By Hertish (Hertish) on Thursday, June 03, 2004 - 10:39 pm: Edit|
of course you can make an outline
that is if you have time!!
you can write anything on the booklet
they just see your answer sheet
|By Conker (Conker) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 03:01 am: Edit|
I think that this essay would score a 2-3 out of 6. Firstly, the examples are exclusively from history, which is never a good thing. Broaden your scope. Take examples from literature, from personal experience, from current events.
Not only did you focus on history, but you exclusively used American history. The question asks whether there has been passion for change in general, not whether such a passion has existed in America specifically.
The flow of your essay is also poor. Many of the transition words are also inappropriate, exacerbating the situation. There are quite a few, albeit insubstantial, in mechanics. Word choice is decent but not great.
That said, this is your first essay, and I think you realize that you have quite some room to improve. This is not a bad first attempt.
|By Jens (Jens) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 12:02 pm: Edit|
WOW I dont know if its just me but people on this board grade incredibly hard! If you compare this essay to the 2-3 examples that College Board releases it is obvious that this essay is much better. I disagree & say it is at least a 4.
|By Emily_Uk (Emily_Uk) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 12:04 pm: Edit|
I would have given it a 3. As Conker said it would benefit from a literary example, ideally one which you can use a quotation from. The paragraph length could be improved. Try the following format for your paragraphs;
P.E.C= Point, Evidence, Comment. It generally creates a stronger argument.
Finally I would suggest the use of the 5 paragraph structure; intro, support, support, support, conclusion.
There's potential; write a sample essay structure using the format tips above and any you are already aware of and try to apply them to future essays.
|By Kingroger317 (Kingroger317) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 01:15 pm: Edit|
its ok.. but it seem like u just studied for AP US and are using that info you know..
i don't know.. many people write about simple personal experience in 4 paragraphs and receives 11-12...
history, personal exp, lit is just a hyped thing that everyone thinks you need, but i think if you do that its just a safer way to get 12 if you ahve to knoweldge
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