|By Mingtsai (Mingtsai) on Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 06:01 pm: Edit|
Just to get an idea of what an essay would score:
Topic: Given the chance to pick from one to three items fora time capsule to be opened in a thousand years, what you you choose to represent the way of life in America today?
The way of life in America today revolves around two concepts, indulgence and wealth. Symbolizing these two aspects of American life perfectly are a candy bar and a dollar bill. Thus, I would chose these two items to be placed in a time capsule to be opened in a thousand years.
What has made America today such a world power? The gentle embrace by its people and government of capitalism. While the industrial revolution may have started in England, the full benefits of a modern economy were felt in the United States, with our adaptation of pro market polacies(sp.) such as low import and export tax. This current dominance in the world market fosters a sense of pride and admiration among American citizens. Thus, Capitalism is endorced(sp) and practiced by the public. It does, however, demand a currency in order to allow for an effortless transfer of wealth between parties. Therefore, the fundamental unit of US currency, the dollar, should be placed in the capsule.
Admiration of capital in this nation has led, rather unsurprisingly, to the reverence of methods to show off this wealth. Indulgence, much after the fashion of Veblen's -The Theory of the Leasure(sp) Class-, is therefore a defining characteristic of contemporary society. For example, when one goes to purchase food, he is bombarded at the checkout line with advertisements for sweets. Thus, the most typical sweet of all, the candy bar, should be placed in the time capsule.
A society built on the fundamentals of a modern economy and maintained by a reverence to said economy's effects is therefore best represented by the dollar and the candy bar.
Oh, and the handwriting is pretty poor, but legible. Also, are the MC questions in Barron's representative of the difficulty of the actual test?
|By Crypto86 (Crypto86) on Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 07:01 pm: Edit|
I would give you a high 4, with definite potential for a 5 and even a 6. I think you have very good points at certain areas in your writing (citing Veblen's "The Theory of the Leisure Class" is wonderful! It fits right in!) However, your arguement for indulgence is weak. Rather, I would focus on how Americans always love "big" things (monster SUVs, massive houses, expensive clothing) - to place that good of an American characteristic (indulgence) on just a candy bar doesn't do it justice. Your first body paragraph is good, except for several spelling errors, but those will fade in time.
Overall, your writing was effective in proving your points. I was quite surprised at your choices (as would be the readers), but that is a great thing! As opposed to being glib and choosing the normal American flag as a symbol of freedom and the norm, you went "outside of the box" and choose new and intriguing things to place within the capsule. Your sentence structure is clean for a 20 minute essay. Truly, I think the only thing that held you back from making a 5 was the several spelling errors you had (It's policies, endorsed, and Leisure) and a weaker than normal arguement for point number two. If you fix these things, you will definately get a 5 in my opinion and possibly even a 6 with really concrete examples and proof. Great job!
|By Physicskid123 (Physicskid123) on Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 09:01 pm: Edit|
Great job! I thought it was really good, 4/5. Mainly its just the spelling errors that are a hindrance. You provided pretty good examples, an original choice, and a well-developed argument for most of the essay. It is very good for 20 minutes, and Ming Tsai rocks! He is my favorite chef ever!
|By Mysticaura (Mysticaura) on Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 09:03 pm: Edit|
make each paragraph a little longer, 3 sentences each is too little
|By Mingtsai (Mingtsai) on Thursday, June 03, 2004 - 06:09 pm: Edit|
Ok, I took another (and hopefully my last) practice writing exam just now. This essay is from the 22 Sat II tests book (a great passion is required to bring about change):
Change in the socio-economic fabric of a society is always brought about by men or women who have been driven by a burning passion for change. Throughout history and literature, examples are provided, some of them leading to progress and some of them leading to ill.
Historically, consider South Africa's fight against the shackles of Apartheid. Nelson Mandela, after giving an unprepared, spirited, speed of three hours to the government that had sentenced him to a life sentence for terrorism, served his time for nearly three decades. While in prison, however, he did not falter in his support of his principles of socialism and democracy. Indeed, when he was finally allowed out after 27 years and appointed president, Mandela quickly kept on one of the men who had held him in prison for so long--as vice president. This act demonstrates clearly that, no matter what personal issues Mendela may have had with the man, he was able to overcome them through his passion for South Africa's future.
Camus' Dr. Castel, of -The Plague-, is an old man, but, due to his passion for his profession of healing, is able to stem the tide of increasing plague cases and deaths in the city of Oran. Though physically weak, Castel spends his days and nights developing a cure for the disease. Eventually, Castel is vindicated, and a small boy in the throws of bubonic plague is saved by his care. Castel's cure, while not completely stopping the growth of the plague, improves the moral of the inhabitants of Oran to such an extent that they are able to go about their lives; a town of thousands had its life restored by an old man's passionate efforts.
Clearly, without the passion of a select few, significant change in societal mores and structure is difficult to come by.
I know the conclusion is a bit weak, but I ran out of time. Thanks for your help w/ the last one. I tried to stretch the paragraphs and have larger 1st and 2nd examples.
|By Emily_Uk (Emily_Uk) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 11:58 am: Edit|
I would give it a 4 (the second). I think it's a good essay but you may benefit from a quote in one of the examples. Furthermore, the conclusion as you have stated needs improving and the essay could be improved using a 5 paragraph structure of intro, support, support, support and conclusion.
|By Mingtsai (Mingtsai) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 02:44 pm: Edit|
4, eh? I guess I'll have to do well on the multiple choice tomorrow to get >700. I don't know about a quote, but I guess it would always be feasible to make one up. Conclusions usually give me problems as well, because often there is nothing much to say. I suppose one could end an essay with something witty or general ("man cannot live by bread alone", etc.)
|By Emily_Uk (Emily_Uk) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 03:44 pm: Edit|
Look through a few Shakespeare guides online; they'll give you the themes on the plays and a few quotes. Memorise some of the quotes according to themes and manipulate them according to the essay.
|By Encomium (Encomium) on Friday, June 04, 2004 - 04:31 pm: Edit|
the people on here grade really hard-did you see the example essays for a 6? they're like terrible, you'd both get 6's
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