Can you guys score my writing sample, please?

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Discus: SAT/ACT Tests and Test Preparation: June 2004 Archive: Can you guys score my writing sample, please?
By Springfieldchri (Springfieldchri) on Monday, May 31, 2004 - 03:53 pm: Edit

Ques: "There has always been great passion to bring about change."

There has always been great passion to bring about change. Evidence supporting this statement can be found in all aspects of human life. The Civil Rights Movement was a historically important force for many societal changes. The current war in Iraq can be seen as a passion to bring about change. In my own experience, I have worked passionately to transform my school's newspaper into something more appealing.

In the 60s, strong African-American leaders advocated for social, economic, and political justice for African-Americans. It was a passion so great that leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X gave their lives for the betterment of the American people. Furthermore, their struggle to bring the black man to equality with his white brother can be seen as an extension of the fight to end slavery. A great passion helped end enslavement, and the passion of the 60s changed America for the better.

Right now, America is at war in Iraq. Despite the controversy, there is a genuine passion to stabilize that country and create a paragon for that unstable part of the world. Like the Civil Rights Movement, the passion to bring democracy to the Iraq is a passion to bring peace and end fear.

As a teenager, itis natural to want to bring about change. There are many things which I would like to see transformed. As news editor of my school paper, I believe I did so this year. I came in with the attitude that the image of the Torrance News Torch needed to change. Together with the staff, I accomplished the goal. The paper definately has a unique style this year, with new mast heads, lay out styles, and a new font. Seeing the tranformation has also inspired me to bring even more change and make the paper better.

Throughout history, there has always been a great passion to bring about change. In the 60s, discrimnated African-Americans fought for equality and justice. Today, the US is fighting in the Middle East to bring stability and peace. I, as well, have fought, albeit in my own little corner of the world, to make my school paper the best it can be. It is an inherent human quality that leads us to strive for the best.

By Vincesez (Vincesez) on Monday, May 31, 2004 - 03:59 pm: Edit

Wow.. nice

By Satchamp (Satchamp) on Monday, May 31, 2004 - 04:25 pm: Edit

whoa baby!!
u wrote that in 20 minutes??

By Springfieldchri (Springfieldchri) on Monday, May 31, 2004 - 05:11 pm: Edit


By Sprangbang (Sprangbang) on Monday, May 31, 2004 - 05:56 pm: Edit

umm, this is nice writing and all, but for me comparing such monumental movements as those for civil rights and the ousting of Saddam Hussein with a new look for a paper doesn't work. However, I suppose it is an interesting psychological insight, though a bit of a stretch, and your writing and word choice is top-notch. Just some constructive criticism.

By Sprangbang (Sprangbang) on Monday, May 31, 2004 - 09:30 pm: Edit

are, not is

sorry, that just shows how qualified i am to judge someone else's writing, ha

By Thepiskickass (Thepiskickass) on Monday, May 31, 2004 - 09:49 pm: Edit

Essay is holistically graded. I think this would get you a 12... No prob...

By Cherrybarry (Cherrybarry) on Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 01:38 am: Edit

Beautifiul. There some minor inefficiencies, but considering the time, this is excellent.

By Conker (Conker) on Wednesday, June 02, 2004 - 08:30 pm: Edit

This was a great essay, but don't restate your ideas in your conclusion, and especially don't restate your thesis word-for-word! It's repetitive and bland. This technique is helpful when you're writing something long, like a literary analysis.

I don't think I need to talk much about what you did well, but style, fluency, and mechanics were all top-notch given the time constraints.

You'll probably score a 10-11 for this essay, and a 12 if you fix up the conclusion.

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