|By Spright (Spright) on Sunday, May 30, 2004 - 05:38 pm: Edit|
I'm sort of at a loss for how to write a 'good' essay for the writing sat II (this saturday, no less), which is why I'm posting one that I just wrote...if anyone has constructive criticism, /please/ offer it...or if you want to save time and point me to some incredibly helpful website, then that's good as well. And if you want to say that this is "this is the worst piece of crap I've ever read god help you get a 210 on Saturday," then at least say why it's so horrible.
Here, written on a subject someone posted on a thread a while ago, "There is always a however."
....."I have good news, however..." The word "however" may seem insignificant, but it has the ability to turn any situation on its head. This conjunction has defined moments in areas as stratified as literature and history. Some of its strongest effects can be seen in Lily Bart's fall from social grace in /House of Mirth/, and in the development and use of the atomic bomb at the end of World War II.
.....In Edith Wharton's /House of Mirth/, the main character, Lily Bart, appeasrs to be the idea of Victorian feminine charm. Not only is she stunningly beautiful but she has wit enough to see herself included in only the most selective of social circles. According to Wharton, Lily was designed for this frothiest of worlds and all her energies go to maintaining her position in it. But while her life has been constructed around etiquette and calling cards, she cannot escape the "however" of this existence. She seemed in control of her situation, however, when her inheritance begins to dwindle, her group of friends is nowhere to be seen. She neglected to plan for the alternative unfolding of events, the "however" of high society, and is, as a result, sent on a downward spiral into destitution.
.....While Lily may not have acknowledged her personal "however" until is was too late, sometimes the full consequences of a decision are understood, such as in the development and implementation of the atomic bomb. After Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, an American naval base, in 1941, few Americans believed that winning in this new theatre of war would be so difficult. Japanese island bases, such as Iwo Jima and Okinawa, were expected by the public to fall quickly, but land attacks resulted in tremendous numbers of dead. President Roosevelt decided that peace would have to be brought by force. Scientists were set to work developing the atomic bomb, designed and used to bring the war in the Pacific to an end. As planned, the bomb brought both sides to the bargaining table and spared many lives which would have been lost had a land invasion of Japan taken place. However, more innocent civilians died in the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki than imagined possible by all but those working most closely on the bomb. Nevertheless, the tragic "however" of the atomic bomb was understood, and many have come to view the decision to use the bombs as necessary, if not ideal.
.....In both situations, one outcome was replaced with or accompanied by another outcome simply because there was a "however" involved. Although the many possible endings to a situation, the role of the "however," can rarely be fully avoided, the best that one can do is to understand might be found in the second clause of the statement, and to take steps to lessen what may come.
Yep, pretty bad. Especially my conclusion. Thanks for reading it, though.
|By Mysticaura (Mysticaura) on Sunday, May 30, 2004 - 06:10 pm: Edit|
stop using the word however so much it gets realyl awkward overall not bad really def a 4 possibly a 5
|By Spright (Spright) on Sunday, May 30, 2004 - 06:15 pm: Edit|
Yeah..it is pretty awkward...I felt like I should keep shoving the prompt in the readers' faces, heh.
|By Joshjmgs (Joshjmgs) on Sunday, May 30, 2004 - 07:26 pm: Edit|
My SAT tutors told me not to put details in my introduction...
Its not that bad, I mean you can be more compelling (I have problems with this too dont worry :P), but your grammar and usage seem fine. Youre organized and answer the topic well.
Also, I wouldnt put so much detail in your third paragraph, just use specific ideas and explain them.
|By Spright (Spright) on Sunday, May 30, 2004 - 08:24 pm: Edit|
okay...so in short:
- more concrete examples, less detail
- catchier opening
- one example to make it relevant...such as, eh...when I was allowed to volunteer at the zoo, a position I'd been wanting for a long time...but I had to start by cleaning tanks, nothing too glamorous.
Is it a bad idea to include a personal example if it just lets the judges know how dull your life is? .
What is one thing I could do to pull this up to a definite 5?
|By Mysticaura (Mysticaura) on Sunday, May 30, 2004 - 09:17 pm: Edit|
actually i wouldnt suggest giving too many tips...really just make it flow for example the catchy opening could hurt you because you think about jsut that for the first 5 minutes and ruin ur thought process
i took ap us history so im pretty good at writing essays...really just let it flow ride the wave man lol
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