Could someone grade my SATII essay

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Discus: SAT/ACT Tests and Test Preparation: May 2004 Archive: Could someone grade my SATII essay
By Epoh (Epoh) on Sunday, May 02, 2004 - 03:48 pm: Edit

“WANT TO GET AHEAD? TRY LYING” says a headline, with the idea that those who always tell the truth, or tell too much of the truth, are doomed to fail.
Does this statement accurately describe the way things are? Or is it a cynical distortion of the truth? Evaluate the validity of the statement according to your experience, observation, or study.

And here is my essay:

I strongly agree with the headline and think that it accurately describes the way things are. Most people all over the world lie as often as there is a proper occasion to do so. This is because by lying people succeed in their deals and keep their friendly relationships with many other people.

The way ahead is the way at the end of which lies the success from one’s íà÷èíàíèå. Sometimes it is very useful people to lie in order to win anything. Most people’s main aim is earning as much money as possible and this is often achieved by lying. The best example of this is tradesmen who lie their enemies and even their clients because they want to get ahead in their lives, and this is to earn money and to live in luxury.

By lying people can keep their friends. People often hide something from their friends and relatives. These are mainly things that can hurt somebody, but actually the act of hiding information is equal to lying. People lie their acquaintances because they do not want to hurt them and as a result to ruin a long lasting friendship. Moreover, when people have many friends they can rely on them and this will help people to go ahead in their lives.

Most people have witnessed different kinds of lies, but the two that keep people moving ahead are lying for money and hiding information. By lying people hide things that are ominous for their reputation and success. In my opinion, only by lying, or to say it otherwise – by telling only that part of information that helps them to success, people can move ahead.

By Epoh (Epoh) on Sunday, May 02, 2004 - 03:53 pm: Edit

The word in the second paragraph with the strange signs is: INITIATIVE

By Ubercollegeman (Ubercollegeman) on Sunday, May 02, 2004 - 04:14 pm: Edit

The intro paragraph makes you sound bitter and really cynical. It's not that this is bad--it's just a little awkward for the reader. Try to temper your argument a little.

"The way ahead is the way at the end of which lies the success from one’s initiative." <--Really hard to understand. I had to read it a few times, and that's never good. Your second paragraph's example is too general. Choose a specific example from history--there are millions of infamous liars. *Cough*Clinton/Nixon*Cough*

The third paragraph also suffers from the same problem. A personal example would have been much better, but an even better example would be one taken from literature. There are bunches of characters in literature famous for lies.

There's nothing really wrong with the conclusion. It pretty much does its job of wrapping up the argument.

I'd say 3, since there are relatively few stylistic errors. The argument is really weakened by a lack of hard examples though and just sounds more like a bunch of rambling than a coherent argument.

By Epoh (Epoh) on Monday, May 03, 2004 - 05:11 am: Edit

Thank you for the comments!
I really find them very useful!

By Anonym (Anonym) on Monday, May 03, 2004 - 06:51 am: Edit

its good for having only 20 minutes. those things are so hard.

By Crypto86 (Crypto86) on Monday, May 03, 2004 - 07:14 pm: Edit

I'd give it a 4. IMO, I think your second support paragraph has better support than your first one. It's one all humans can relate to. With that said, I think you just needed to add one concrete example of lying to keep friends - the good 'ole "do I look fat?" one would work perfectly. Many times people would lie not to hurt their friend's feelings - I don't know how one would "get ahead" but such an example, but a small connection would be to maintain the friendship. Personally, I think this topic is tough to think of several examples and write in only 20 minutes, and overall I think you did a pretty good job. Your ending sentence is a really good conclusion that strikes the reader with your full opinion on the prompt. Your diction isn't too elevated, but hey, you get 20 minutes and they aren't expecting you to write a novel here. The biggest thing that keeps you from reaching the 5/6 level is your examples - they need to be more concrete. Perhaps that lies with the topic you get. Overall, pretty good job.

By Imac7477 (Imac7477) on Tuesday, May 04, 2004 - 07:52 pm: Edit

I think it is great for SAT II standards...I do not think that the readers are looking for complex analysis of an issue...they just want to see if you can write an essay, structure it effectively, and write coherently. You are probably A LOT smarter than the average joe who takes it.

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