|By Kevinkleinz (Kevinkleinz) on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 05:49 pm: Edit|
Topic: "My life has been filled with good days, bad days, and days I no longer can remember, but one day I will never forget is _______"
It was ten o-clock in the morning. I sat on a shiny, metal chair at the bar of a restaurant called "The Buttery." The room was full of grey smoke, clouding it with a dense, grey haze. I threw a piece of over-cooked bacon into my mouth and chewed the sinewy piece of meat. All of a sudden, I felt a hand gently glaze my shoulder; my father had turned to face me and had proceeded to rub my back.
"Kevin, there's something you need to know." I stopped chewing the piece of bacon; a slight nuance in my father's voice suggested that whatever he had to say was extremely important. I turned to face him with an anxious look on my face.
"I am getting re-married. Ellen and I have both decided that it's what we want to do." He took a deep breath. "What this means is that I will be moving to New Jersey in a few weeks, so we will only see each other every other weekend from now on."
My heart sank. I loved spending time with my dad; going to movies, eating out, playing games - it was all very enjoyable. Now my father was telling me that all of this had to stop, and that I would be seeing him much less frequently from now on.
I immediately thought that my father was abandoning me for some woman that I barely knew. I therefore resigned to not answer my father and instead to resume masticating on my piece of bacon.
"Kevin," my father urged. "Kevin?" But I just kept chewing: my father didn't want me, so I didn't want him.
To this day the relationship between my father and me remains strained because of his relocation to New Jersey. Sure, I travel up there every other weekend; but I no longer feel as if I can run into my father's arms, give him a big hug and say, "How about a game of Scrabble?" Instead, he is much more like a respected, but distant adult, who advises, but does not love me. I no longer think of my father as "evil," nor do I consider Ellen as the stereotypical, conniving step-mother. Rather, Ellen and my father are two people who I see every once in a while; my mom and uncle, however, are my true family.
That day, so long ago, broke whatever bond existed between my father and me, and it removed any chance of me having a "normal" family. And as a result, I can still smell that hazy smoke and taste that horrible piece of bacon.
|By Christina167135 (Christina167135) on Saturday, May 08, 2004 - 10:28 pm: Edit|
use a comma instead of a semi-colon
I changed this sentence
I turned to face him, with a look of anxiety upon my face.
re-married, (use a comma instead of a period)
(change this sentence so it flows better) and that I would be seeing him much less frequently from now on.
I would suggest you stop using big words because they do not flow with the rest of your essay and it seems your using them in all the wrong places.
Also you need to use more commas to prevent run-on sentences.
I would cut out thye statement about having a "normal" family unless your going to go into detail about what a normal family is to you.
I could be of more assistance if I knew what English you were in. Because Ap English and Senoir English are very different. It would help alot if I knew you grade and class.
|By Andrew123s (Andrew123s) on Sunday, May 09, 2004 - 12:49 am: Edit|
I think this is a sample SAT II writing essay (graded from 1-6).
|By Silverstar (Silverstar) on Sunday, May 09, 2004 - 01:33 am: Edit|
Hey! That prompt is in the Kaplan '04 book ;D
|By Conker (Conker) on Sunday, May 09, 2004 - 05:40 am: Edit|
Christina, "bacon;" is correct. Replacing the semi-colon with a comma would render that sentence a run-on.
This essay would receive a 10-11, with a chance for a 12 (they aren't particularly hard graders). It's well-written, but there are flow problems in quite a few places. The most noticeable break in continuity is the jump in your second-to-last paragraph. The sentence about not viewing your father as evil doesn't fit in well with the preceding sentence.
|By Musefinity (Musefinity) on Sunday, May 09, 2004 - 11:14 am: Edit|
Umm...I don't know. It doesn't show much maturity, in my opinion. In some places the word choice doesn't fit well with the mood. Example: "My dad PROCEEDED to rub my back" sounds too swollen and formal to fit with the atmosphere you described. Just keep it smooth. Well, I understand that you're mad at your father but essays about parental relationships tend to irritate me. But that's just because I know people who have been raped by their dads and thus it kind of disturbs me when people bring up their parental woes.
|By Lisasimpson (Lisasimpson) on Sunday, May 09, 2004 - 09:44 pm: Edit|
gray dammit, not grey
|By Christina167135 (Christina167135) on Monday, May 10, 2004 - 02:12 am: Edit|
I'm in AP English, and I don't usually hear alot of people tell me I'm wrong. If possible would you ever consider peer editing my papers for me, I would really appreciate it. I have a hard time catching my mistakes.
|By Hackvet (Hackvet) on Monday, May 10, 2004 - 02:03 pm: Edit|
Yeah, all that plus change the bar full of smoke to desk dilligently doing your homework. Remember who the audience is.
|By Justwannahelp (Justwannahelp) on Monday, May 10, 2004 - 10:27 pm: Edit|
not EVERY noun has to have 4 adjectives attached to it.
|By Jason (Jason) on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 01:07 am: Edit|
This isn't really going to help you, but I love your use of the word masticating.
Man, that was haliriious. Especially in the context...
|By Dannyferizzle (Dannyferizzle) on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 04:39 pm: Edit|
|By Phyliciasteph (Phyliciasteph) on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 02:15 am: Edit|
i hated masticating. sometimes you have to learn that simplier words will fit better. It seems as if you were pushing this word too much, and also there is a connection between diction, subject, and mood. Firstly, you are a child that was just crushed and if you wanted to really express that i would suggest:
My father abandonned me. As my gut clenched with deep pitted anger and sorrow, I could do nothing but turn away with a look of stern resignation. He continued to speak, but his words became dampened and distant as I methodically chewed on the increasingly distasteful bacon.
I really dont like the bacon part in either of our examples, but eh..i tried to make it fit.
Also..."my father didn't want me, so i didn't want him"... sounds too colloquial. i think your essay needs a bit more complexity. however i've never taken this test before so i'm not sure what they're grading criteria is.
|By Ndbisme5 (Ndbisme5) on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 07:30 pm: Edit|
|By Kevinkleinz (Kevinkleinz) on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 07:43 pm: Edit|
Wow. I posted this on April 30th and just now it's getting some attention
Anyways, already took the Writing test. 800
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