|By Shaka (Shaka) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 05:58 pm: Edit|
I just finished the real SAT2 writing test on that blue book. I need some opinions on my essay tho...please dun be cruel, just be realistic and constructive. Please rate 1-6 based on the SAT2 writing test critera
Throughout the history of mankind, there has always been a great passion to bring about change. The world in which we live today is dramatically different from the world millennia ago. This is because humans have always had a passion to bring change. From historical and artistic examples, our passion for change is clearly demonstrated.
First, examples from history demonstrate that there has always been great passion to bring about change. One example of this passion to bring about change can be observed in the volatile political structure of China. During the end of 1800’s, China’s imperial dynasties were plagued with numerous dilemmas, such as poverty of the populations and invasions of trade by western nations. The people’s passion for change took control and created a new Nationalist government. This government managed to keep the wealthy comfortable, but did not pay much attention to the peasants. As a result, the peasants’ passion for change led to the creation of a Communist China. These changes in leadership demonstrate people’s passion for change.
Second, artistic values of what we perceive to be art is ever changing. When the Renaissance began, a plethora of religious artwork, such as “Creation of Adam” by Michelangelo, poured into the art world. These realistic art forms were replaced by the impressionists like Van Gogh, who hardly captured the realistic look of a starry night. Now, contemporary artists compete furiously to create changes in the art world. This demonstrates the people’s passion for change.
In conclusion, people have always had a passion to bring about change to our world. From the historical political reforms and the everlasting changes in styles of art, it is clear that our world is impassioned about bringing about changes.
|By Shaka (Shaka) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 05:59 pm: Edit|
oh, and the topic is "There has always been great passion to bring about change" and it asks for supporting evidence etc..
|By Frenchfries (Frenchfries) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 06:11 pm: Edit|
The phrase "passion to bring about change" gets kind of repetitive. And started paragraphs with the words "first" and "second" is not the best technique, since there are better transitional words and devices. Also, there are a few grammar errors, like in the sentence "Second, artistic values of what we perceive to be art is ever changing" <-- subject/verb agreement- values ARE. I guess I would give it a 4? I'm not sure. Keep practicing and I'm sure you'll do well when test day comes
|By Shaka (Shaka) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 06:13 pm: Edit|
yea...i tried to remind myself and relate back to the thesis with that repetitious phrase...guess that's not a good effect?
I have a list of connectives...i shall study them closer
|By Astrobobocop (Astrobobocop) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 07:16 pm: Edit|
I agree with Frenchfries, the repetitiveness is a little much. You really don't have to start paragraphs with "First" and "Second". State what you want. Clear and Concise are what they are looking for.
It was good to bring in two different aspects of change in the world, makes the essay not too obtuse to a grader who might not be familiar with one thing or another.
All in all I would give it a 4
Good Luck and Keep WRITING!
|By Shaka (Shaka) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 07:23 pm: Edit|
ahh so no repetiveness and no cliched connectives
i should use connectives tho right? my AP eng teacher told me that it seems more organized to graders when i use connectives
|By Lahlahlah (Lahlahlah) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 08:44 pm: Edit|
i give it a 6
i think you guys are grading too hard...
good thesis, change in art, change in history, okay conclusion
few gramatical errors
|By Mehere (Mehere) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 08:58 pm: Edit|
yeah its definitely more than a 4... i'd give it at least a 5. but i'd say 11/12 good job. =)
|By Shaka (Shaka) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 09:06 pm: Edit|
thanx for the support guys
|By Crypto86 (Crypto86) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 09:25 pm: Edit|
I would give it a 5. I think you have some pretty good examples. Showing that change in the arts was not just evident, but drastic, was really good. Some minor things in there (like sentence structure) hinder it a little, but it is definately pretty good. Keep up the good work!
|By Shaka (Shaka) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 09:33 pm: Edit|
yea, i wanted to incorporate more details on the styles of art...but i blanked out and couldn't think of particular styles and artists...
i am an art portfolio student who spends a great amount of time drawing...occasionally i would hear about the styles of art from my crazy art teacher (who is totally against my studying for the SAT!! he think it's wasting time when I should be doing my art portfolio)...so i guess i was lucky in this topic that i had some stuff to relate to...(as for the historical references, i am chinese, so i know history of china like the back of my hand)
|By Geoff912 (Geoff912) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 10:55 pm: Edit|
i'd give it a 3/4
The problem with your essay is the repetitiveness, it is simplistic and unsophistocated, get rid of this repetitiveness or you sound like your still in middle school. Also the use of obvious transition words shows clear organization, but again lacks sophisticated tone, it laacks any hint of eloquence because of it simplicity. The readers look for eloquent developed writing, you need more elevated diction, you seem to have a good grasp on language so use more of it, just stay away from the aforementioned immature techniques.
|By Shaka (Shaka) on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 11:22 pm: Edit|
yea, the thing is, the NY english regents messed me up. for those, it was important to keep the reader informed of the point made by every example; therefore, the repetitiveness was needed...since we assumed that the reader's stupid
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