|By Lateralus (Lateralus) on Thursday, May 01, 2003 - 04:16 pm: Edit|
I'd appreciate it so much if you could give some feedback for my essay, I've had a lot of trouble on the essay portion of the Writing SAT II and I have no idea where I'm at. Thanks in advance for reading!
The prompt is "There are many things we all take for granted, but one thing I have learned never to take for granted is _____"
-----We wake up everyday at 6:00 AM. We crawl grudgingly out of bed, and stumble into the shower. We dress, eat breakfast, and drive unenthusiastically to school. Everyday I complain about my workload and lack of sleep. "What is this all for?" I ask. But one day I saw a homeless man at the beach. We engaged in a deep conversation about politics, religion, history, and life. I was surprised that I was even able to hold my ground; this man was brilliant, he belonged in medical school!. Why had he no home? He answered solemnly, "I dropped out of school." I never realized the importance of schooling until this point. Education is one's future. This is why I take many things for granted, but one thing I have learned never to take for granted is my education.
-----Different people have realized the importance of education at different times and for different reasons. The Puritans, for example, enforced universal education to all children 200 years before the world would copy its system. The Puritans believed that education was key to fighting off the temptations of Satan, which is expressed in their "Old Deluter's Satan Law". The Puritans believed that with a good education, one could fight off the evils of Satan through one's new found knowledge. Only with an extensive education would one find God.
-----Education also walks hand in hand with democracy. Thomas Jefferson, one of our founding fathers, said that he believed in a nation ruled by the people -- given that the people are educated. He believed that universal education would precede complete democracy. His beliefs are also reflected in his actions -- He studied 20 hours a day.
-----All of these reasons for education have one thing in common -- They hope to fight off ignorance. I value education for the same things. Education enhances my life greatly and provides for me a future. This is easily worth getting up in the morning for.
This essay was 44 lines, 2 pages exactly.
i know of course it has lots of errors, but what do you think it would earn on the writing test, thanks!
|By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Thursday, May 01, 2003 - 05:29 pm: Edit|
I am not an expert but some comments would be:
1. Avoid subjects that include references to religion. I think that Satanism is not too good and if the reviewer happens to disagree with you, he will grade accordingly. Does your essay really need the discussion about religion?
2. Is the essay believable? Did you really meet that guy on the BEACH? Would you really have started a conversation with a homeless? Maybe, you could say that you met him the shelter while helping the poor people.
|By Lateralus (Lateralus) on Thursday, May 01, 2003 - 05:49 pm: Edit|
haha, perhaps you are right, but the story is partly true, my friends and i go down to the beach at night and often there are bums. i probably should have used a better example but i couldnt think of anything at the time
|By Lateralus (Lateralus) on Thursday, May 01, 2003 - 11:18 pm: Edit|
|By Dwayne_Hoover (Dwayne_Hoover) on Friday, May 02, 2003 - 07:01 pm: Edit|
Xiggi, you are totally missing the point, he was not making a value judgment of satanism, he was just using the Puritans who valued education SO MUCH that it they believed it as a method for keeping away Satan...He's just using that anecdote to emphasize the importance of education for difffernet sects of people.
This is a great essay in my opinion, if it was written in 20 minutes...i'd give it a 6 -- (12 total)
|By Heythere (Heythere) on Friday, May 02, 2003 - 09:17 pm: Edit|
that is a very good essay in such a short amount of time...Xigii...they really don't put that much depth of thought into grading them
Report an offensive message on this page E-mail this page to a friend
|Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.|
|Administrator's Control Panel -- Board Moderators Only|