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and so i was dwelling on this subject the other day for a while...

well, as i came out of high school, I lost all my friends, (stupid stuff), and now basically I don't have anyone.

when I was with my girl I felt comfort and security.

but, when I am with my friends, I feel so different. They really do light up one's world. When I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of them, I get so anxious inside. Anyone feel this too or am I over sensitive?

Screw girlfriends, screw boyfriends, heck, screw marriage, okay well maybe not marriage because true love can exist....but friendship in my opinion is the most valuable and treasurable gift in this life.

someone who has had a good girlfriend or boyfriend, and very good friends, you have the power to express which bond you thought was more stronger and more valuable, so please, do tell now.

when i transfer to a university next year (i'm 19 now), I know I will meet people in my dorms, at parties, that will be lifelong college friends. it's so weird that you know a future lifelong friend is "out there" waiting for you right now. WHAT is he/she doing as of this moment? Because this person will eventually speak to you and be your good friend..

I wonder why God won't give me a new set of friends. I'm trying so hard but I guess I just have to wait longer (like it's long enough, been waiting three years..)

sigh.

By Joseancer (Joseancer) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 03:38 pm: Edit

All I can say is the only reason you feel friendship is more important is, and forgive me if i offend your relationship with your girlfriend, you haven't found the right person yet or you haven't yet realized how to appreciate love for what it truly is. For males the latter is quite common during adolescence (girls, I’ve observed, learn love far earlier, which sometimes unfortunately results in their being hurt).

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 years, and I wouldn't give her up for the world. Yes, we have very different personalities, and sometimes we argue, but there is nothing that I could ever compare my feelings for her to.. the only thing that comes close is the love I have for my family, but they fall in such different categories.
I'm not a very poetic person, but holding the hand of a girl and seeing her eyes light up just because you grabbed her hand is such a beautiful feeling.

Most people my age (18) when i speak to them about love, don't understand what I am talking about, and its quite easy to understand way. In most cases, adolescence is a time of exploring and seeing new things. You don't want someone to bond in a way... that I would call "spiritual", you want people who share your interests and to have fun with. Once this time passes, I think most people realize the true importance of love.

I've just always observed the "fun" and partying and social-scene that defines adolescence as something that never really interested me.. so clearly i'm the deviant, not anyone else.

Love isn't about what you like or what your partner likes, or how you all "match", its about being a totally normal person and then just meeting someone who makes you feel so wonderful about yourself, that you can’t possibly imagine a life without them anymore.

Oh god.. I’m sounding like a really really cheap Ralph Waldo Emerson. My point is you value friendship over love because of what you want out of life right now, but the time will come when you will see differently.

-Jose

oh and by the way, the best relationships come from those who were very good friends before, and learned to love one another. Like my own

By Chavi (Chavi) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 04:26 pm: Edit

Rarely do you find a friend that you stay close with the rest of your life. Friends often change as your life changes. College friends fade away after graduation, then you make work friends, then when you get hitched you make other couple friends, then after you start having kids you make friends with other couples with kids, then you make friends with the parents of your kid's friends, and so on. Friends are great and the most important thing right now in your stage of life. You're too young to worry about finding the love of your life yet. Wait till you graduate and start working. But realize that you may have to take the initiative and seek friends, just use good judgment. Get involved in activities and be "friendly".

By Limon (Limon) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 04:54 pm: Edit

In general, friends are chosen for those values and interests you share, and relationships are chosen for the person as a whole. If you no longer hold the same values, no longer think the same way, no longer appreciate things in the same way as you once did with a friend, you drift apart. This sort of companionship, this connection, this feeling of going through life with the same insight, the same search and the same sort of goal is what's amazing about friendship. On the other hand, relationships consume, you don't want a person, you want that person. Why? I don't know. There's something that makes you believe that person is right for you, something that makes you desire them regardless of what beliefs you share. Can you say divorce? Yeah, a lot of times, if you disagree on fundamental issues. You can also say the truest sort of worldly love.

(Someone who read C.S. Lewis's The Four Loves last year but can't seem to remember the chapter on Eros)

By Anglophile (Anglophile) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 07:41 pm: Edit

Joseancer-- I just wanted to say that you wrote a beautiful post, and it is appreciated. You have a very lucky girlfriend.

By Zantedeschia (Zantedeschia) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 08:10 pm: Edit

Yea that was really nice Jose. I'm glad there are other "young" people out there in love. People always seem to dismiss your relationships when you're young but it's totally possible.

I had a three year relationship with someone who I didn't love, but I was trying to convince myself that I did. It hurt me a lot and I even lost some friends because of it. And now I'm with someone who I know I love, there isn't a doubt in my mind (or heart). I don't think friendship could have ever made me feel this way. It's indescribable really, but you do just know. At the same time I have great friends and I think that a good relationship will give you enough space to have deep, strong friendships as well.

By Bballerd7 (Bballerd7) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 08:17 pm: Edit

Jose - that was a nice post.

Don't apologize. What I'm saying is that I, as a 19 year old guy, find it more important to be with my "buddies" than my girlfriend.

You and me, like anyone else, have different lives. You may prefer your girl because of the relationships with your guy friends may not have been that strong, or it was, but you just found love to be more your of your type.

I am the polar opposite. I do believe in love. But nothing can grasp the concept of friendship more. If you do the exact search of "friendship is more imporant than love" on the web, you will get several results, as opposed to "love is more important than friendship", which will not in turn give you that many.

I picture it as this: If I had to pick between my girlfriend of 3 years or my best friend of 3 years (if I still had one), I'd pick him; but because he is basically a brother to me.

It's just so hard to explain. If I had to pick between my future wife and my best friend, then of course my wife, because then what's the point of marriage?

You know my urge is just so strong to have friends right now. God they can make you feel so happy. I mean what is a stupid chick gonna do for me?! Kiss my lips? Don't think I am gay, I love hot ladies very much, but I just think the bond that a male should have with his "buddies" is far more important.

Ask many people; would you give up your girlfriend or your very best friends? No way would I sacrifice best friends...I mean, they are a treasure...but then again, so is marriage.

Friends to come and go, but all you need is one or two (or even three) VERY good friends and then you CANNOT go wrong. A whole group may come and go, but one, two, or even three SOLID, good, true friends, (that are literally like brothers/sisters to you) can account for so much..

BUT, let me say this, LOUD, BOLD AND CLEAR:

MY FAMILY IS THE NUMBER ONE ASPECT OF MY LIFE. However, this may not be true for so many other people, as they can prefer friends more. But, it all depends, esp. considering the way you were treated when growing up in a family.

It should be you guys' too. Your family is the most important thing ever. Then friendship. But, they work together, as a force, not an opposite force (although some people can tend to engage in that as well...)


Geez, I just wish God would tell me what's wrong with my life.

By Zantedeschia (Zantedeschia) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 08:21 pm: Edit

I don't have any best friends. You may need only two or three solid friends, but I only need one love.

By Joseancer (Joseancer) on Saturday, October 09, 2004 - 05:05 am: Edit

"I mean what is a stupid chick gonna do for me?! Kiss my lips? Don't think I am gay, I love hot ladies very much, but I just think the bond that a male should have with his "buddies" is far more important."

Find happiness where you can, but its quite clear that right now you just don't really.. understand what love is really about. Its not so much about.. something additional to your life, but more like a completion of it.. but you'll never appreciate it until you have a desire for that completion.. and please keep in mind this is totally independent from how "hot" the lady is. The appetitive desire for sex can really bar someone from ever experiencing the far greater pleasures of love.

Its good that you are able to find such happiness in your relationships with males, I've never really held a very good feeling toward the "bonds" of male friends. My relationship with most males has been as follows:
Why don't you like sports?
Why do you listen to that gay music
Gardening? oh my god you are weird
And the biggest one of all:
You can't possibly be serious about "wanting" to stay faithful to your girlfriend.

Yes, it is so true.. the 1 thing that a girlfriend should view as the greatest threat to her relationship with her boyfriend is his friendships with other males.

But clearly, my observations only reflect the kind of males that I've encountered in life. I'd say the 1 person that has influenced my view of relationships the most has been my own father, who basically since I was a small child told me that fidelity was pretty much a purely decorative aspect of marriage.. My parents divorced when I was in about 6th grade and after gaining knowledge of my father's infidelities, my mother became severely depressed/suicidal.

I can think of very few things that are worse than telling a person that you love and cherish them and then having them realize 15 years later that your actual definition of "love and cherish" is far from what they had in mind.

-Jose