Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

OK, I totally need you guys' help - I moved to states, not knowing English like three years ago. I have huge grammar problem, and writing issues. I just suck, and I need someone to look it over for me. It's ten dollar essay for JHU early.

Any kind of feedback is appreciated.

Thank you:

With ten dollars in my hand, I am planning on doing something daring, so bald, that will knock people’s socks off-watching a movie with my dad. Ok, maybe it doesn’t sound so scary or appalling. But it surely does to me, since I have never tried that ever in my life.

I will go to the Blockbuster across the street, and pick up $7.99 previewed movie, the ones with actions rather than romance, the kind of movie he likes to watch. At least I think he does. Then I’ll pick up however many numbers of popcorns I can buy with what’s left of ten dollars, to have something to stuff in my mouth just in case things get awkward or too quite.

It goes long way back, me and my dad. I don’t ever recall going to a movie theater or even having a friendly conversation with him. It’s always been about either my grades or how I could be better in every things I do. Sure, we’ve done some things together, but they were all by obligations, not for our enjoyment as a father and a daughter. Thinking back, we’ve given nothing but feeling of hatred and disappointments to each other, regardless of what our real intentions were.

We yelled and screamed. I cried and hated him. He demanded, I obeyed. He asked, I answered. I remember the endless days of crying and being depressed. So isolated and lonely, I even thought of doing something extreme. I believed I hated him, and couldn’t wait to leave so I wouldn’t have to see him everyday. But lately, things have gotten little different.

First, there is tennis that he started teaching me. He might be a unkind father, but a wonderful teacher. We run, swing, sweat, and sometimes laugh. Also, there is my car, Toyota 4Runner, loved by both my and my dad. We talk of engines, car maintenance, and how better my car is than my mom’s Elantra. I feel like I finally found ways to bond with him, but it’s almost time for me to leave.

With ten dollars in my hand, I am planning on doing something daring, so badly that it’s going to knock my own socks off, not to mention my dads’. I will sit on a couch next to him, translating movie words by words, scene by scene. Maybe we will laugh, and I wouldn’t have to stuff popcorns in my mouth to break the silence, instead it will be for my enjoyment. There’s no guarantee that it’s going to work, but maybe, this ten dollars will open a new beginning of relation between my dad and me. Just maybe.

By Socalnick (Socalnick) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 02:17 am: Edit

curious, what do u mean by ,"translating movie words by words, scene by scene".

By Justperfect (Justperfect) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 12:00 pm: Edit

"so bald," its bold, bald means you have no hair

By Chavi (Chavi) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 04:30 pm: Edit

I love it! Get someone to edit it for you to improve your spelling and grammar a little. I would hope that's considered ethical.

By Yugekorb (Yugekorb) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 05:17 pm: Edit

So isolated and lonely, I even thought of doing something extreme.

I assume that you mean suicide, or at least that's what I thought. I heard that any mention of this is an automatic rejection. But except for that, I thought it was a good essay, and a very good topic. Work on the grammar.

By Xasuke (Xasuke) on Saturday, October 09, 2004 - 01:03 am: Edit

In just three years, you've made quite an improvement! Goob job!

The composition is great: it provokes strong emotions. Just have somebody touch up the errors(there are quite a few), and you're all set. Good luck!