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I've been having a really hard time with many of my friends, or exfriends lately, which has gotten me really stressed out. I just want to know your opinion on and advice you might have for the chaos and anger that have been going on for the past few weeks (especially this week) becuase it REALLY SUCKS.

The problem:
One of my four best friends has had a boyfriend for about 5 months and I seriously think he controls her. Before these few weeks, he was my friend too. I didn't really have a problem with them being inseparable all the time, I dealt with that. But my two other best friends and I decided to branch out this past weekend and drink a little and go to parties and stuff.

The boyfriend confronted me about it and said how he sees me now as a completely different person who he does not want to be around, how if his girlfriend EVER drank, he would break up with her, how what I do affects who I am as a person, how I had really bad judgment that could harm a lot of friendships, etc. I just really don't agree with that. He's always making comments about how it's unhealthy, what would happen if we got caught, joking about me drinking when I'm more energetic than usual, etc and then saying that he's making those annoying comments to think about the decisions that I have made and to remind me not to drink again. Plus, he knows that I've drank before and I guess supposedely I told him that I wouldn't again. Now it seems to me like he's controlling my friend (who by the way, never really talks to me or my other friends any more because she's always with him).

I'm just pissed beyond any other feeling that I've had towards another person. I'm usually good about keeping my negative emotions and feelings about others down, but right now, I've argued and told him I'm pissed and how I don't care what he thinks and I really would like to be friends again since we were pretty good friends before this all happened. And he said that he's be irritated by me and my poor decision making for at least a month. I seriously just want to shove a million shots down his girlfriend's throat so they will break up. It just seems to me that he's not letting her do stuff with her friends.


And other things about other "friends" are a mess right now. I'm just really worked up about it and I'd really appreciate it if you left some advice or input on this. The only advice I've recieved is to beat all the people I'm annoyed with up and I just don't really think that I'm very good at beating people up and I haven't really had any experience, or else I probably would. It just makes me so mad and I don't ever think I've been this mad or outspoken towards a friend before.

By Joev (Joev) on Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 11:23 pm: Edit

Just drink up and the situation will pass. Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but true friends will be your friends until the day you die. If this moron is controlling her by saying she can NEVER drink, by all means take your friend out for a couple of Bud Lights and she will realize the err of her ways. Anyone who puts an ultimatum on a relationship has caused the relationship to fail before its even started. Good Luck!!

By Joseancer (Joseancer) on Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 11:55 pm: Edit

"Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but true friends will be your friends until the day you die."

Hmm... this certainly contrasts with the view I've always held. I have noticed that to most people, boyfriends and girlfriends are people who "come and go"... but I've always felt that the purpose of dating is to eventually find that special someone to spend the rest of your life with. I guess I'm old fashioned.

Perhaps its just that my experience with friends has been more of the "come and go" variety.

"But my two other best friends and I decided to branch out this past weekend and drink a little and go to parties and stuff. "

Just a little "innocent" girls night out? not likely. I've always felt that when it comes to remaining faithful in relationships, don't go looking for opportunities to be unfaithful.(if only most men would heed this advice)

I won't cast a judgment on the whole situation, as I don't think you've provided enough information, but I think any boyfriend who is seriously emotionally invested in a relationship would have a problem with his girlfriend going to parties to drink "and stuff".

If you feel your friend is competent enough to hold her own, then I think she's capable of deciding for herself whether he's too "controlling" or not.. but to try to break her away from a relationship that she's prefectly happy in just because you want to go out for some drinks, would be horribly selfish.

-Jose

By Calla66 (Calla66) on Thursday, October 07, 2004 - 12:01 pm: Edit

Jose:
Sorry if I did not provide enough information to make the situation clear. I'm not bothered that my friend with the boyfriend isn't drinking. That's fine with me if SHE doesn't want to. What I'm bothered by is what is she does want to, but doesn't because she IS thinking of their potential breakup. I would never force anyone to do anything.

I also agree that "the purpose of dating is to eventually find that special someone to spend the rest of your life with" but I feel as if there's something really messed up with their relationship. Everytime I call to talk about this to her, he's always there and I always end up arguing with him over the phone while she has nothing to say. Whenever I call, there's a tiredness in her voice and I KNOW he's over and he is (bc I ask her if he is). If she hangs out with us (which has not been happening lately), he's there. If I tell her something, somehow he just seems to know.

And this is the thing that happened that got me fired up about everything: Last Saturday was the night of the school play in which one of our best friends is in and it was the only night she was in it since it was double casted. We were all planning to go to dinner before and then to the play. The boyfriend really really was craving a Thai restaurant 20 minutes away and so I drove, thining we would make dinner and the play on time. Only the waitress started getting our orders at 6:45 and the play started at 7:30. Obviously, if we ate, we'd be late. So we asked the waitress how long she would think it would take and she said it was really slow that night. And I wanted to leave and get to the play on time to see it and to show the actors that I appreciate their time and effort spent into it. This was what My friend w/o the bf and I wanted to do. And the boyfriend just said he wanted to stay and eat. Meanwhile, his girlfriend said NOTHING. Nothing at all. I asked her what she wanted and she just said, "i don't care." it made me mad that she didn't care about seeing her best friend in the play or going to the play on time. She just looked at her boyfriend and that's all. They knew I was mad and ended up going to dinner anyway and coming to the play 10 minutes before intermission. I just think that seeing you best friend in a play that she's been working hard for would be more important than satisfying your boyfriend's craving for Thai. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just feel like what they did was rude to the whole cast and crew of the play.

I don't think she's happy. Or maybe she is, but when and if she does realize what's going on, she won't be able to break away from him.

He says that what you do affects who you are. And sure that's true but where that comment crosses the line is when he said, "If you drink, then you are a drinker. If you smoke, then you are a smoker. blah etc. blah." But how does that make a drinker or smoker a bad person? Especially since he wasn't there and really doesn't know what happened.

Funny, because he didn't sit by me in calculus today (as I was the only friend he had in there since he's the only junior) and sat himself next to a huuuge smoker and drinker.

By Joseancer (Joseancer) on Thursday, October 07, 2004 - 05:18 pm: Edit

Calla,

Thanks for the clarification on things. I totally agree that saying "if you drink, then you are a drinker"... although in its strict definitions seems logically valid... it does imply that just by drinking you are "bad"... and I don't think anyone can say objectively that drinking itself is morally wrong, perhaps just the activities that many individuals do when they are drunk (and even thats a tossup). And certainly one can drink without getting drunk... although in my experience, with college students at parties, that seems to be more the exception than the norm, but thats irrelevant anyways.

I think really the only thing you can do is try to talk with your friend.. away from the boyfriend and make sure she knows that you are concerned about her and not necessarily the relationship between the two of you (otherwise the boyfriend or your friend will just claim that you are jealous and won't listen to a thing you say). Because he spends more time with her than you do, arguing with the both of them together will only give him arguments to offer to her for why you are a "problem" when you aren't around.
I think the main objective should be to find out CLEARLY what your friend is feeling and work from there. But make sure you come on more as the "concerned" friend instead of the "jealous" one, as the first post, to me, sounded like more of the latter kind.

Good luck

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Thursday, October 07, 2004 - 09:29 pm: Edit

Awww, poor baby. The poor girl can't get a suckle of Grandpa's cough medicine even though she wants it so.

YOU are wrong, not the boyfriend.