|By Mimi (Mimi) on Sunday, September 26, 2004 - 01:36 am: Edit|
I'm entering a writing contest for science fiction and need honest opinion. Haha.. actually.. I'm not completely sure what science fiction is, but I have an idea.
"A blast of the suns' flesh rushes through from the sky, quicker than the speed of light, running down and pushing through as if it were an ant rushing for its life. The red beam reflects back like a mirror, shines like a neatly trimmed sword, glitters like the ocean under the sun, pulling through so violently through the earth that makes the stones crack, the ground spilt, blindly killing anything in its way. A shriek of laughter descends from this light, pulling it back as if it were a strip of cloth, and laughing hysterically, slowly climbs down as if on invisible stairs. The mutant flickers and grins, blinkly slyly, and brining its black claws up near its face as if for performing. Its green and red hay-like hair stands striaght up like elctric shock. Its long and black robe touches the ground and flaps with wings of a crow.
"Crow-claw, one day you'll pay for all of your wrongdoings!" boomed crow-claw's opponent. He wore a blue silky robe that shined its riches as if it were a grem itself. The stripes of blue, red, and green in his hair reflected dimly against the dawning sun.
"Hee hee hee" screeched crow-claw. His shrilly eunuch voice was so high, it piereced right through his opponent's ear.
"That one day will have its time to come, but meanwhile, I rule, and you, Blue Jay, will worship me soon!" Shrilled crow claw as he reached his claws out and out splurted a long series of black nails, each second extending longer and longer towards blue jay."
So... any suggestions? Comments? Changes? QUestions? Please reply!!! Greatly appreciated!!
|By Seleucus26 (Seleucus26) on Sunday, September 26, 2004 - 06:19 pm: Edit|
I'd work on it some more
in science fiction arbitrary defiance of the laws of physics are not good (faster than the speed of light)
"The red beam reflects back like a mirror" - not sure what this means. reflects back implies the action of reversing direction, but i think you want it to mean that it is reflective.
Ur description of the beam is repetitive. reflect, shine and glitter all mean the same thing essentially.
"pulling through so violently through the earth" pulling thru the earth so violently
"that makes the stones crack" making the stones crack
"A shriek of laughter descends from this light, pulling it back as if it were a strip of cloth, and laughing hysterically, slowly climbs down as if on invisible stairs."
huh? the shriek of laughter laughs hysterically and climbs from the ship?
"as if for performing" as if performing
"long and black robe" long, black robe
"that shined its riches as if it were a grem itself" gem? shone as if it were a gem, u cant really shine riches.
THe first paragraph is all in present tense, the second in past. choose one.
"boomed crow claw's opponent" cmon, something more creative than crow claw's opponent
for that matter, Crow Claw and Blue Jay? cant see a serious fight coming from those 2
if ur serious about this work on it a lot more
|By Mimi (Mimi) on Sunday, September 26, 2004 - 08:51 pm: Edit|
Thanks for the suggestions and for reading!!
How is the opening? Right now I'm trying to think of some way to catch the readers' attention.
Which birds do you think would make good opponents? I didn't give the fighters much thought, but I want them to be birds. I actually don't know much about birds.
They said they didn't want it to be too violent. Not too violent right?
And I'm thinking of writing about dragons and powers and such. Would that be considered science fiction??
Once again, thanks!
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