Boyfriend following daughter to college

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Discus: College Confidential Café: 2004 Archive: Boyfriend following daughter to college
By Karendvdsn (Karendvdsn) on Monday, September 06, 2004 - 11:55 pm: Edit

My daughter is at school about four hours east of here(Iowa).She is a sophomore. She met this guy in August through other friends. They have been hanging out in a big group of kids and she had a different boyfriend up until three weeks ago. I found out two days ago that they are a couple from my friend who saw them. He is a junior but is three years older than her because he had to go to a rehab for a year. I was agonzing about what to do when yesterday she tells me that he is going to transfer to a school twenty minutes away from her. Anybody go through this? Am I overreacting? Any advise I can mull over?

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 12:13 am: Edit

I used to work in the substance abuse field, and I would be concerned, too. The recidivism rate is very high for people with substance abuse problems. This particularly can be true for young people.

I don't blame you for being concerned. I do advise you, however, not to express to your daughter your concern about her boyfriend. If you do that, it may encourage her to demonstrate her independence by clinging to him more tightly.

My advice would be to be a very good listener and thus encouraging your daughter to talk about this young man. If she raises any doubts, then try to repeat her own words to herself to help her reflect upon her own concerns.

Keep in mind that the relationship is only a couple of weeks old. They barely know each other. His plans to transfer may never happen. It also takes a while to transfer, and he may change his mind in the meantime. Also, in a few weeks, he and your daughter may be history. It may be just a summer romance.

By Any1can (Any1can) on Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 08:12 am: Edit

Very good advice Northstarmom-esp with substance abuse aspect. My son's girlfriend of 1 1/2 years is at a CC 8 hours away. She was going to transfer to be close to him where ever he ended up so she could try and get into his school as a tranfer. She went so far as to get an apartment and enroll in classes. Two days before she was supposed to move, she had the feeling it wasn't the right thing to do so it never happened. I love her but it wouldn't have been good for either of them and luckily she "woke up" and made a very difficult decision. My son felt this way to but was in denial I think. They are still together so to speak and their attitude is that if it is meant to be, then it will work in the end. I'm very proud of them. I however had to bite my tongue and gave advice only when both of them asked, very difficult for me LOL!

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