|By Destinypath (Destinypath) on Saturday, August 14, 2004 - 12:20 pm: Edit|
I have a problem and it's driving me insane.
This kid has a crush on me. He thinks he's going to marry me someday and talks about life being an empty shell if I don't marry him. He IMs me every time I'm online and has multiple screennames I don't even know about so that when I block him, he gets suspicious and IMs me with yet another sn. He emails me every other dayish and asks me to call him all the time.
The guy is driving me crazy. I want to forget he exists, but I (sadly) am also a compassionate person (in other words, a sucker) and I know him so well (how can I NOT!) that if I were to say "leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you," he'd be severely depressed for months and even angry.
What the heck do I do?
|By Girlforever101 (Girlforever101) on Saturday, August 14, 2004 - 12:32 pm: Edit|
Just tell him, but tactfully, you don't have to be overtly mean about it.
|By Annakat (Annakat) on Saturday, August 14, 2004 - 01:26 pm: Edit|
just tell him nicely. if that doesn't work, don't worry--once school starts, he'll meet other women who are more interesting to him than you are, then he'll forget all about you. it's inevitable.
|By Vancat (Vancat) on Saturday, August 14, 2004 - 05:29 pm: Edit|
Alternate solution: Kick his ass?
|By Savedbythebell7 (Savedbythebell7) on Saturday, August 14, 2004 - 06:10 pm: Edit|
just keep telling him how good of a FRIEND he is. Perhaps tell him you like another guy...
|By Purgeofdoors (Purgeofdoors) on Saturday, August 14, 2004 - 10:07 pm: Edit|
Eh, sorry... but it was in order.
|By 1212 (1212) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 12:06 am: Edit|
i second the motion to kick his ass, or acting pregnant would work too i believe
|By Chavi (Chavi) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 12:07 am: Edit|
Destinypath, don't take any chances with this guy. This is called stalking, and he sounds potentially dangerous to me. You need to inform your parents and possibly his parents, and the authorities, and let him know in no uncertain terms that you are not interested and to stop. Do you know him personally, and does he know where you live? Do you have stalking laws in your state? This guy may need serious help and with all the crazy stuff that seems to happen these days, don't take any chances.
|By Vancat (Vancat) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 12:21 am: Edit|
stalker? eh...I don't think so.
best way to find out if he's a stalker is by the way he looks. usually, boys who are acting like this and are grimy and have big lips are generally NOT stalkers. They are just lonely. And clueless.
Now if the guy is built, shady, or mysterious, THAT could be considered stalkerish characteristics.
|By Sarahbcd (Sarahbcd) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 12:30 am: Edit|
|By Koopatroopa (Koopatroopa) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 12:53 am: Edit|
And girls wonder why I laugh at them when their boyfriends treat them like garbage.
|By Eyesclozedtight (Eyesclozedtight) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 04:09 am: Edit|
chavi, get real. this sounds like a crush, not a stalker.
i'd say your best bet is to go with the friends route. tell him about a guy you like. that should do the trick.
|By Chavi (Chavi) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 03:31 pm: Edit|
Get a clue. This guy is self-destructive and possibly suicidal, at least. He says life is "an empty shell if I don't marry him". He hardly knows the girl and is desperate for her to marry him? He gets "suspicious" if she blocks his IM's? He continues to e-mail her every other day and asks her to call him? Maybe she is doing something to encourage this, but if not, the kid has a serious problem. This is not normal crush behavior. I still say at a minimum, get some adults involved.
|By Takiusproteus (Takiusproteus) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 09:39 pm: Edit|
Give him a chance.
|By Foreignboy (Foreignboy) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 09:43 pm: Edit|
Get one of you friends to pose as a boyfriend.
|By Myway (Myway) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 11:12 pm: Edit|
Link him to this thread, and say something like "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is how I feel. I didn't know how to tell you directly."
Or better yet, just email him your post. There are a few replies here that he might find harsh, lol.
If this guy wants to go suicidal or crazy just because you don't want to be with him, that is HIS problem and not yours. Your job is to be honest with him, and to be careful in case this does turn out to be a serious stalker issue. Hopefully it's not, but just be careful!
|By Alongfortheride (Alongfortheride) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 11:25 pm: Edit|
As a mom, my first inclination was with Chavi. Be careful! If he can't get the message, maybe someone else does need to step in.
|By Alphamom (Alphamom) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 11:31 pm: Edit|
Tell him this is the time of your life where you are focusing on becoming the best person you can be through education. A relationship would be way too distracting from this goal. After you have your life in place in five or more years you will be looking for someone as accomplished as you are. This will seem like an eternity to him and he may get discouraged
|By Vancat (Vancat) on Sunday, August 15, 2004 - 11:54 pm: Edit|
Just wondering: What if this this clingy dude posts on CC and is reading this thread right now? Then what?
|By Calkidd (Calkidd) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 12:43 am: Edit|
I don't think this guy is dangerous, although if he ever does anything that makes you physically uncomfortable, you should warn him and then let someone in a position of authority know about the problem. To me, this sounds like the case of a 15 year old geeky Trent Reznor type who has a first crush. It's probably necessary for you to be meaner than you'd like in the process of telling him "I don't want to go out with you and don't ever want to marry you. Get on with your life."
In the ideal situation, he will be angry with you for awhile (1-3 months), then get over it, develop a more normal picture of the dating process, and hopefully be a happier person. He may even thank you for not leading him on. To this guy, anything that you do that is remotely kind may be misconstrued as your being romantically interested, which you clearly don't want.
|By Pookdogg (Pookdogg) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 01:13 pm: Edit|
I say, pretend you're a lesbian. That will hopefully get him off your back. If and when you do get a real boyfriend, tell your stalker buddy that you like your new boyfriend for his feminine traits, and that your stalker buddy was just too masculine for you. As long as he doesn't go Gigli on you, you should be fine.
|By Mrbesch (Mrbesch) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 06:05 pm: Edit|
Tell him you aren't interested and that you're sorry. If he keeps it up, tell your parents, and see if they can talk to the boys parents, and maybe talk some sense into him. Hopefully this can all be resolved without having to get a restraining order or anything, but do what you need to in order to stop him.
Calkidd's analysis is probably right, but I wouldn't be needlessly mean, just make sure its clear u arent interested.
Oh, and watch episodes of Miami Vice. Ask friends and relatives if they have episodes on tape.
|By Vancat (Vancat) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 06:43 pm: Edit|
Question for DestinyPath: is the reason why the guy keeps on hanging on to you is that he is ugly and friendless and wants girls to be with him? How would you describe yourself?-hot, average, above average?
If this guy is hanging on to you because of your looks, you need to start acting "manly" for about 1-2 weeks. I mean stop showering, eat greedily, watch football nonstop, and wear the same clothes over and over again. THEN we'll see how much that guy wants you.
|By Destinypath (Destinypath) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 07:39 pm: Edit|
lol he's not ugly, but is a bit lonely. I don't know why, because honestly he could get friends if he wanted them but he keeps to himself except for me and another guy... And I don't know how "hot" I am. I have good days and bad ones. My bro and guy friends tell me I'm hot. ::shrug:: But I'm surely not buck ugly...
I have told him nicely to back off, and he got it and is "trying", but now I'm acting touchy about it and it's really bugging me more on a subconcious level.
He's not a stalker, if I were really that worried I'd tell my parents yesterday. He just drives me nuts. And darn me, I'm always the "nice person" and don't want to hurt people's feelings, but lately I've been sharp and blunt with EVERYONE because of the emotional wear of someone trying to "posess" me. Which means I've been kind of feminazi and a couple of my friends are wondering what the heck is wrong with me!
(but turning into a butch or lesbian...HAHAHA my friends would die laughing if I tried or think I was suicidal because, while I'm not "pink girly", I'm definitely feminine. In fact, just the mental picture that conjures makes me crack up.)
|By Savedbythebell7 (Savedbythebell7) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 07:47 pm: Edit|
your brother calls you hot??? What small town in Indiana do you live in again..hehe only kidding.
|By Marlgirl (Marlgirl) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 08:17 pm: Edit|
You need to tell him you're not interested. The longer this goes on, the worse it will get. The "I can't live without you" type is incredibly scary... in fact when celebs have stalkers this is the worst type, even worse then the "I will come and kill you" type. If he really couldn't live without you, that could lead to scary, super dangerous situations. Firmly tell him you're not interested, but not in public. If you think he's odd/dangerous maybe have a friend or two nearby-ish. Say something like "You are a nice guy, but I am not attracted to you in what way. I don't want to be your girlfriend and I won't even want to be your girlfriend. I'm sorry if I've led you on. I hope you will understand and respond accordingly." Seem harsh? It is, but it's also necessary. Whatever you do, do NOT make conditional statements " I don't want to go out with you now... I'm too busy... " etc., cuz then you're just giving the poor guy hope. And consider telling a couple of adults if you suspect this could really be a problem. The most compassionate thing you can do is to call it off before he gets more attached. In an ironic way you've almost shown a *lack* of compassion for letting it go on to this point. Hope that helped.
|By Stephenpmi (Stephenpmi) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 09:43 pm: Edit|
Fix him up with another girl...it works.
|By Appliedmath (Appliedmath) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 09:46 pm: Edit|
I think this guy doesn't know how to meet chicks properly, well shame on him but he'll learn.
|By Paulhomework (Paulhomework) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 10:29 pm: Edit|
I don't think the guy is a criminal as Chavi is suggesting. I just think he's very lonely/depressed and has nothing better to do w/ his life (such as studying). but here are a few tips:
1)acting like a lesbian will surely turn him off. But maybe you're not willing to make that sacrifice
2)tell him you love some other guy.
3)tell him that you're too busy w/ your education
4)tell him to get lost!!!
|By Poison_Ivy (Poison_Ivy) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 10:42 pm: Edit|
^ 1. Honestly, not you start a discussion but... some guys actually are attracted to that.
Anyways, this boy needs help. Just tell me, "Leave me alone, I don't like you," or hook him up with another girl. Don't give him a chance, that will only screw yourself further.
|By Fyre (Fyre) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 11:02 pm: Edit|
Boy, do I have similar problems...
Perhaps one of you could shed some light on what I'm doing wrong with this boy:
Similar situation, but instead of "I can't live without you" its "I would take all of your sorrow and lay down my life if it meant that you would be happy for one moment."
What do you say to that??????
|By Disappear_Here (Disappear_Here) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 11:08 pm: Edit|
tell him you're gay.
|By Foreignboy (Foreignboy) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 11:23 pm: Edit|
"Fix him up with another girl...it works."
It's true. This will really work.
Otherwise, tell him you're a lesbian, maybe do some girl-girl making out (just for show of course), and e-mail me some photos.
Aw come on...
|By Rbc13 (Rbc13) on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 11:27 pm: Edit|
LOL, I second that.
|By Chavi (Chavi) on Tuesday, August 17, 2004 - 01:41 pm: Edit|
Destinypath - It's sounding more like this guy is depressed and could have some suicidal tendencies. You can't take his emotional health upon your young shoulders. I would imagine you are afraid of being too firm with him because you fear he will fall apart, and your anger stems from feeling guilty about hurting him. The whole reason he is obsessing over you is because you are so compassionate and you probably listen to him, unlike most other girls who won't give him the time of day because he comes across kind of weird.
Try talking to his parents (or have your parents talk to his parents), or at least talk to his other friend. He might need professional help. There is a high suicide rate among teenage boys like this. You can't solve his problems for him, but at least you can try to get him some help. Maybe he can talk to someone at his or your church? But you can't continue to encourage his obsession with you, because it is doing him no good and keeps him from having to face real life. Maybe he's not a physical threat to you, but I still really feel that some kind of intervention is necessary.
|By Appliedmath (Appliedmath) on Tuesday, August 17, 2004 - 02:14 pm: Edit|
"Otherwise, tell him you're a lesbian, maybe do some girl-girl making out (just for show of course), and e-mail me some photos. "
That's probably your only option at this point
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