The Full Proof Way to Get into an Ivy





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Discus: College Confidential Café: 2004 Archive: The Full Proof Way to Get into an Ivy
By Janeeyre (Janeeyre) on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 01:09 pm: Edit

I've compiled a list of to dos in order for you to have at least a .0000000001% chance of possibly being accepted into one of these Ivy Leaguers



Test scores: Now, be sure to get a 1700 (though the perfect SAT score is only a 1600) on the SATs. 1700s are extremely rare...you'd have to get extra credit on a non extra credit test, but if u've got the Ivy Leaguer in you, you're bound to find a way to do so.

Grades: You must never recieve anything below a 100%. Bucko, if you've got a Heaven forbid B anywhere on that report card or even a low A such as a disgusting 95, you're screwed. Your chances of getting in are now down to .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 %

and that's if you're lucky.



Teacher reccomendations-Now, here these colleges get a bit exreme about acceptances. They want your teachers to basically, simply write a epithitical biography about you and your life achievements that would be considered a candidate for a Pultzer Prize...Now that's a bit extreme. As hard as it is to believe, teachers do have a life and I think that they should only require your teachers to write you a shining 15 page essay about your achievements. Now, that shouldn't be too hard. I mean really, they just have to practially worship you as some sort of deity in it.



Essays-Need I say more...they want a freaking AUTOBIOGRAPHY I tell ya! that is of course worthy of at the very least a Nobel Peace Prize. The people of the world should bow down to your greatness.



And lastly



The extraciriculars:

Honestly, this is probably the easiest category to satisfy them. You've only got to go out there and do something extremely eccentric. Possible ideas (that I find are quite good) follow:

raise llamas in the Himalayas (thanks Willy Shakes for that one)

live in a grave yard for a year (a plus if for that whole year you write a novel about self discovery or if you bury yourself alive in a coffin for a year (of course, this won't work so well if your'e dead))

be the next Ghandi or MLK

know how to do the flamboyant cha cha well

learn to knit electronic devices (now that's what I can do, but i still have to perfect my DVD knitting skills)

live in Walden woods for the year and write essays taht will bore fellow students to death

start your own religion that will have at least 1 million followers

count the world population

write an epic series (like LOTR ) that must be on the NY Times best seller list for at least 10 weeks, 5 of which (yes i know, they're slacking) must be at number 1

win a few (only 5, and of those only 2 of them must be gold medals, how easy...) Olympic medals

discover an important archeological find (must be at least the greatest find of the centry)

come up with an important, revolutionary new scientific theory that must best even Newton's 3 laws

etc. etc.





And lastly, if all else fails, I hope that your parents are rich, very rich. See now, if you're dad or mom were to build a good part of the school (such as half of it at the very least), you're chances of getting in will increase to a whopping "gasp is it really true" .05 %. Awesome how money speaks huh?

Yea, yea, the old fashioned way to get in to colleges may not be open in the next few years though presenditial elections will still be done in the same manner.

By Geodude666 (Geodude666) on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 01:32 pm: Edit

you mean fool, not full

By Neene (Neene) on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 01:53 pm: Edit

I dont know about all that. I got accepted to Cornell without even taking the SAT. I used my ACT score of a 27 instead. I had two B's in some AP classes. Besides the usual academic clubs, I wasnt in anything special. Im not saying it isnt extremely hard to get into an Ivy, but each application is looked at individually.

By Noodleman (Noodleman) on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 01:59 pm: Edit

I'm sorry it took you so long to come up with all that.

It wasn't particularly funny. :(

By Tropicanabanana (Tropicanabanana) on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 02:02 pm: Edit

yeah, it would have been funny if it hadn't been done before so many times. in fact, it seems like you just copied and pasted from one of the other posts.

By Janeeyre (Janeeyre) on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 03:15 pm: Edit

Neene, sorry for the confusion. This was just supposed to be a harmless parody (as a few of you so graciously pointed out, and btw this was ORIGINAL work (if this appears to be like other parodies you've read, it was unintentional) of the application process/those people with really great grades and numerous awesome ecs that are panicing over getting accepted into schools.

By Noodleman (Noodleman) on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 04:08 pm: Edit

Minds think alike.

By Neene (Neene) on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 05:25 pm: Edit

Oh, I thought you were serious.

By Chamonix (Chamonix) on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 08:38 pm: Edit

I think we're seeing some reverse parody here, folks.


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