Bill Brasky

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Discus: College Confidential Café: 2004 Archive: Bill Brasky
By Flyinillini82 (Flyinillini82) on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 10:37 pm: Edit

Anyone know anything about this guy, I heard He goes around 7'8", 530. Didn't
Bill Brasky eat a live chicken and make a deer say his name? Bill
Brasky once gave me a videotape of him sleeping with my wife, and
it was the most beautiful darn thing I ever saw!

By Lisasimpson (Lisasimpson) on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 11:22 pm: Edit


By Flyinillini82 (Flyinillini82) on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 11:34 pm: Edit

Its from an old saturday night live sketch about a guy everyone tells these crazy stories about, each one more rediculous. The a modern day Paul Bunion.

I even have another story with brasky at my daughter's wedding.
Brasky's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony.
He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Brasky! Well,
long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! We
spend the weekend in the Poconos - he loves me like I've never been
loved before!

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a
month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me
curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

By Hunter1985 (Hunter1985) on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 12:06 am: Edit

Second Friend of Brasky (Will Ferrell): Hey, do you fellas know a.. a guy by the name Bill Brasky?!!

First Friend of Brasky (John Goodman): Yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He's a 10-foot-tall beast man, who showers in Vodka.. and feeds his baby Shrimp Scampi..

Third Friend of Brasky (Baldwin): Best damn trader on the Bull Market!

First Friend of Brasky: He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF.. and Smith & Wesson.

Third Friend of Brasky: Brasky went public with his own buttocks.. and made $7 million.

Second Friend of Brasky: [ holds glass in air ] To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky went hunting?!

Third Friend of Brasky: [ interrupting ] I masturbate to the Teletubbies!

[ silence ]

Second Friend of Brasky: Anyway.. Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits! He stomps and chews every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives.. except.. Fleagle!

First Friend of Brasky: We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake.. before we could tell him there was a stripper in it..

Third Friend of Brasky: Brasky once hosted the Grammy's, and gave every award to Corey Hart!

Second Friend of Brasky: He has a toenail on the end of his •••••!

First Friend of Brasky: Brasky got his wife pregnant.. and she gave birth to a delicious 16 oz. steak..

Third Friend of Brasky: The afterbirth was sauteed muchrooms!

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong!

First Friend of Brasky: Brasky ranked 18th.. in the AP College Football Poll..

Third Friend of Brasky: [ thrusting glass in the air ] To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Woman (Ana Gasteyer): [ walking up ] Excuse me, do you know where the payphone is?

Third Friend of Brasky: •••• off, sister! And get us some pretzels!

First Friend of Brasky: [ waving her off ] Yeah!

Woman: You guys smell awful. [ walks off ]

Third Friend of Brasky: [ unaffected ] Did I ever tell about the time Brasky was in a production of "The King & I"?

Second Friend of Brasky: [ interrupting ] Every morning I crap the bed!

[ silence ]

Third Friend of Brasky: Anyway.. on opening night, Brasky chloroformed the entire cast.. and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours! The production got pretty good reviews..

First Friend of Brasky: He breast-feeds John Madden!

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na! They did not want to be called that..

Third Friend of Brasky: If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds".

First Friend of Brasky: They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium!

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in heels!

Third Friend of Brasky: He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom!

First Friend of Brasky: All.. the Yes album covers.. are Brasky Family photos.

Third Friend of Brasky: Darryl Hawkins has a summer home in Brasky's groin!

First Friend of Brasky: [ almost tossing glass into the air ] To Bill Braskey!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Brasky taught his son how to drive?

First Friend of Brasky: [ interrupting ] I'm.. legally.. retarded!

[ silence ]

Second Friend of Brasky: Anyway.. Braskey taught his son to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked, and died. Brasky said, "It would have happened sometime!"

First Friend of Brasky: Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human!

Second Friend of Brasky: Like the guy in "Terminator 2"!

First Friend of Brasky: Brasky still believes in Santa Claus! And he wants to put him in porno films..

Third Friend of Brasky: He thinks Iron-Man is gay!

First Friend of Brasky: He framed Roger Rabbit!

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady..

Third Friend of Brasky: The character Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky.. except for the part about planting appleseeds and not raping men!

First Friend of Brasky: He gave a hand job to a mannaray!

Second Friend of Brasky: [ screams something unintelligible ]

Third Friend of Brasky: I hear ya', buddy.

First Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Big Booming Voice: [ comes from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle ] I'M BILL BRASKY, AND I JUST CORNERED THE MARKET ON BOOZE! WHO WANTS A DRINK?

[ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Bill Brasky ]

Together: Bill Brasky!!

By Flyinillini82 (Flyinillini82) on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 12:08 am: Edit

Hunter, you rock

By Hunter1985 (Hunter1985) on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 12:23 am: Edit

Yes, yes I do indeed rock:

"Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"He conjured Neville Chamberlain!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

By Hunter1985 (Hunter1985) on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 12:33 am: Edit

Yes, there is more to know about the man, the myth, the legend...BILL BRASKY:

First: Have you fellas ever worked with a guy by the name of Bill Brasky?

Together: Bill Brasky!? YEAH!

Second: Sure have, and I'll tell you one thing. Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch.

Third: Best damn salesman in the office.

Fourth: You know he goes about 6' 8" 340 pounds.

Second: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman's bikini around the office?

Third: God, I love this story.

First: And I'd love to have sex with your wife.

Second: Anyway, Brasky tears off my clothes and makes me wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing a woman's bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily. But at the end of the quarter, I'll be damned if my sales hadn't tripled.

Fourth: To Bill Brasky.

Together: Bill Brasky!

First: He goes about 7' 10", 590.

Second: He'll eat a homeless person if you dare him.

Fifth: Hey, are you guys talking about Bill Brasky?

Together: We certainly are.

Fifth: I know Bill Brasky!

Second: Then let me buy you a round.

Third: You fellas know about how I like to steal loose change and valuables from your houses whenever I'm over...anyway here's a Brasky story. One time I asked Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children; you know Jacob and Christina?

Fourth: Sure they're dumb as rocks and they always have dirty feet.

Third: Yeah, that's them, that's them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa reaches into his bag and says: I've got goodies for you kids. He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says: There is no Santa 'cause I ate him.

Second: Brasky's a son of a bitch.

Together: To Bill Brasky!

Fourth: You know Brasky goes about 9' 8" 790 pounds.

First: Oh, you know he sheds his skin once a year.

Second: I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansbury.

Third: Did I ever tell you about the time I went horseback riding with Brasky, but there weren't any horses around? Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well wouldn't you know it my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeders Cup, right? Under the name Turkish Delight. And I'm running in second place, and I'm running and I BREAK MY ANKLE.

Together: [Laughter]

Third: So anyway they're about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, God bless him, don't shoot him he's a human.

Fifth: Hey, I lost money on you.

Second: I like you a lot...

Fifth: Hey is this guy going to hurt me?

First: No he likes you. He likes you.

Third: To Bill Brasky.

Together: To Bill Brasky!

Fourth: You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

First: Like an alligator he can fully digest a turtle shell.

Third: His favorite TV movie is The Boy in the Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta.

Second: He'll gorg hullaghas then [gurgling noises]...

Together: To Bill Brasky!!

Big Booming Voice: Gentleman. I'm the new bartender. Who wants a cocktail?

Together: BILL BRASKY!

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 12:53 am: Edit

I hate SNL (except for the Carvey/Farley/Sandler era), but I do remember one Bill Brasky quote:

"I heard Brasky donated his foreskin to be used as a tarp on the football field for when it rains."

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